


The Other Things

by Glasssneaker



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Asexual Character, Character Development, Demisexual Character, Dialogue Heavy, Eventual Romance, Light Angst, M/M, Melancholy, Mild Hurt/Comfort, POV First Person, Pansexual Character, Personal Growth, Romantic Comedy, Sexuality Crisis, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, really slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2019-06-24 00:55:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 89,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15618873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glasssneaker/pseuds/Glasssneaker
Summary: A direct continuation from where the original series ended. Features the development of the relationship between Kuroko and Kagami. As the name suggests, this isn't about basketball. This is about... everything else. Mostly relationships, but also other things that never really got to be on screen in the original series. Be prepared for lots and lots of dialogue and introspection.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ansa_atir](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ansa_atir/gifts).



> Hello, everyone.
> 
> I suggest you read this before deciding whether or not to devote your time to this ridiculously **long piece of fan fiction**. If you're looking for the following, this story will **not** be your cup of tea:
> 
> \- explicit sex  
> \- fast-paced plot  
> \- something quick, easy and sweet
> 
> If you don't feel like diving deep into the following topics, you will probably get bored:
> 
> \- sexuality  
> \- identity  
> \- personality  
> \- worldview  
> \- other psychological jazz
> 
> If you enjoy these elements, this fic might be for you:
> 
> \- SLOW pace  
> \- SLOW romance  
> \- character-driven  
> \- depth  
> \- drama  
> \- dialogue  
> \- slice of life
> 
> If it still sounds good, let me add a few more things.
> 
> The characters fall clearly on the IC side. However, I take a LOT of freedom in how I interpret the clues we have about their internal life and past experiences in the original story. Everything is generally based on the original story, but you might (and probably will) disagree with my interpretation of it (at some point).
> 
> The aspects of drama and idealism will probably live up to the original series. In addition to that, however, this story is also aiming to be **slightly more realistic**. (Expect me to blur the lines between the most black and white elements of the original story.) I think the original series is very good with the use of different personalities as inspiration for the most ridiculous abilities and maneuvers on the court. This, the individuality and the interaction between all these different people is my main source of inspiration, but the purpose of my fan fiction is to focus more on how these personalities manifest in **everyday life** , and to dive deeper into the characters' minds.
> 
> Also I just love Kuroko and Kagami and they deserve to have a long, deep, and meaningful love story. (Off court. I think that was already covered well enough.)
> 
> A few more things:
> 
> \- I'm aware that I'm writing this story from a very **western mindset**. I'm trying to take Japanese culture into account but I'm not going to go out of my way, because, while I'm going for a more psychologically realistic story, the setting is not the focus of this fic (and frankly, doesn't interest me too much). So, think of it like historical fiction: it doesn't have to be probable, just possible. And okay, even if sometimes I manage to be completely ignorant, just try to ignore it and focus on the story's merits as a story.  
>  \- Characters who are barely more than a name, or even less, in the original story, are going to appear in this one and **I'm going to be writing the personality and background of the less known characters as I please without shame**.  
>  \- If you didn't notice already, I write this in **first person POV** , which seems to be quite rare, so, that might be weird for some people, but it feels more natural to me.  
> \- **I'm totally writing this for myself** (and ansa_atir), so I'm not going to compromise my vision to make it more readable to more people. (I already do that everyday, because I write traditional publishing in mind as well. So this fic is my relaxation, my playground.) That means this story is sometimes going to be unnecessarily lengthy, the plot might just disappear or get a little convoluted, and it's likely to suffer from "I just really wanted to write this scene" -syndrome.  
>  \- I'm a discovery writer. Also known as pantser. So, be prepared.
> 
> I have a LOT to post. The first "chapter" is more like a prologue, but the other chapters will be long. I will update as I have time.
> 
> If you're still in for the ride, I hope you enjoy yourself.

# First: Victory

# Kuroko

The moment you become too aware of how perfect everything is, how this is initially what makes anything worth believing in, how this is it for you... That's when the spell dissolves.

Feelings are pouring from your eyes, but suddenly it's just some liquid to keep your eyes from going dry. The pats on the back, the hugs, the cheers, the celebration... It's just loud, sweat, hectic, hot, noise, pressure and loud. You search the changing room floor for balance but all you see is that it's made of old cell phone cases, which doesn't mean anything to you.

Of course this is not how you really feel. You've just burned out from feeling so much everything.

Even though you know exactly how much all this means to you, how you've given absolutely everything to get here... Suddenly you're too aware of how all of it could mean nothing. How easily the world can be deprived of all meaning.

As if it really is just leather that everyone is tossing in the air. Without all the feelings attached. Nothing to fight for, nothing to almost lose your sanity over.

Even though you don't really think any of that.

Even though that's your antithesis.

You know this is not you. But you're tired, and overwhelmed, and you keep tuning out.

Someone, just put another spell on me.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Get ready for Seirin's victory party.

# Second: No one should fall in love with me

# Kagami

We're finally outside. Maybe this is when some people would feel like stepping out of a dream, into reality, but there's no shaking off this high. We just won. Nothing's going to screw up this night.

I have no idea what time it is but it's late. It must have been hours before we were in the changing rooms, by ourselves. Well, mostly, anyway. Some people's families tried to sneak in, and at one point that Ogiwara guy came to pull Kuroko away. I have no idea what they talked about, but Kuroko looked like a buddha when he came back.

Running into the Miracle guys wasn't as irritating as you'd think. I was sure that idiot Aomine would come to say something annoying but instead he seemed weirdly... tamed. Which was annoying on its own right, and weird, when he suddenly just wanted to go home and drag that Momoi with him.

After all that, it's really quiet here in the street. The stadium is still looming behind us against the night sky.

– We're so not going to sleep tonight. I'll make sure no one falls asleep!

That voice behind me would be Koganei.

– Yeah, right... By falling asleep first, under the table, Coach says, almost giggling, and grabs his ears for some reason.

– Isn't it fine as long as everyone is celebrating until we fall asleep? Kiyoshi says. He, and Coach just smile at each other. Beside him, Captain seems to squint, before he turns to me and says:

– Hey, we're celebrating at your place, right?

– Uh, sure.

Where else, I guess?

Suddenly I realize I don't see Kuroko anywhere. After searching for a while, I spot him at the back, the most logical place, even though I'm sure I already looked there twice. Is it just me, or does he seem even more transparent than usual? His eyelids are only half open. It looks like he's only half here, and it bothers me. Right now, his mind should definitely be nowhere else but here, now if ever. So I drop to the back and grab his head, but I don't actually want to annoy him, so I release him right away.

– Come on, why are you so quiet?

He blinks.

– I'm not, any more than usual.

That noncommittal tone bugs me more.

– Seriously, right now is anything but ”usual”.

That does bring some life into his eyes and he smiles a little.

– You're right, he says.

Maybe he's just tired. He was full of energy, like, fifteen minutes ago, so maybe it's just all somehow gone now. I've never seen him laugh or cry so much, so I guess it shouldn't be weird if he's drained now. Or maybe he's sad because he didn't want Aomine to bolt like that. It's obvious he still cares about that idiot, no matter how annoying he is. Oh well, I'm sure Kuroko will be better once we've got the party going.

We decide to divide for a while, so everyone can go shopping and bring what they want to the table. I decide to drag Kuroko with me, maybe I can kick some energy into him.

– Wait a sec, Kagami, we have a job for you, someone whispers behind me. It's Koganei again, with Mitobe and the captain beside him. I think they're all grinning mischievously. It makes me frown.

– What are you whispering for?

– She would not approve, says Captain.

– Coach?

I look behind the senpais and see that she's already going away with Kiyoshi. Somehow, I thought Captain would go with them.

– Let's go, Captain says, and they all grab my arms.

– Hey, what the heck?

– Just around the corner, he says. I sigh, but let them drag me along. Kuroko follows silently. Behind the corner, I see it's just a store.

– What is this? What do you want!

Captain smirks.

– Now, Kagami. You're going to get us all drinks. We've got the money.

– Huh?

– Mitobe thinks it's a good idea too! Koganei says. Mitobe actually nods.

– You guys...

– As much as it pains us to admit, you look the oldest, Captain says.

– Just look angry, and no one will think you're under 20. Should be easy for you, says Koganei. – Totally fool proof.

– Oh yeah, well what if it isn't!

– Don't be a coward, Kagami.

– Yeah, don't you dare let us down tonight. Do we need to remind you we just won?

That's true.

I scratch my head. And sigh.

Fuck yeah, I'm gonna do this.

– Okay.

– Okay??

Their faces light up. Something makes me glance at Kuroko, and his eyes have narrowed. Somehow, I'm not surprised he doesn't seem pleased with me. But what the hell. I already agreed. The others push me toward the doors but run away before they open. There's no turning back now.

And... it's easy. Well, surprisingly easy. I'm not telling anyone I was terrified. But once I realized the cashier was going to let me past, just like that, it all became just too much fun. The rise of adrenaline made me relive the best moments of the game again. So, I'm sure I had a wide grin on my face when I got out of the store. The others waited behind the corner and gave me a silent applause, not to draw attention. Except for Kuroko, of course. He just stood there, expressionless, but I swear he was glaring at me under those half-closed eyelids.

Finally, the others go to their directions. I've already prepared for the celebration (figured we'd have one, whatever happened), so I drag Kuroko toward home with me before he can disappear somewhere, because his silence is pissing me off. He really didn't like what I did, huh?

– If you have something to say, just say it, I blurt, when the silence has gone on long enough. He barely looks at me.

– Hmm, he mutters. I let out a sigh. Then he says:

– Say, Kagami-kun, is that something you do often?

– What? I've never done that before in my life!

– Really? I would certainly think you've had practice.

He just sounds distant but somehow, I can tell he's angry. He only gets so cynical if he doesn’t like something.

– Say what you really want to say!

He glances at me, and then keeps his eyes on the road.

– Why is there a need to drink tonight?

If I wasn't carrying eight-packs, I'd slap him on the head.

– Are you listening to yourself? We just won! I really didn't think I'd need to remind _you_ about that.

He squints slightly.

– Exactly. We just won. You'd think tonight would, at the very least, be worth to be sober for.

He still doesn't look at me. And I'm sighing way too often for tonight.

– Kuroko, there are three words I've secretly wanted to say to you for a while now...

He actually looks at me. I stop, so he does too.

– You're a prude.

We stare at each other in silence for a while.

– Kagami-kun... That's technically four words.

– Whatever.

– And I don't find it funny. This is illegal.

– Prude.

– You are not helping.

– Pruuuuude.

– Kagami-kun...

I bump him lightly with the other eight-pack.

– Seriously, try to loosen up a bit.

He sighs, and begins walking again.

– I... don't want to ruin anyone's mood. That isn't what I want, at all.

– Then just chill. No one's going to make _you_ drink. And there's not enough in these packs to get the whole team drunk.

He's silent for a while.

– You're right, he says then.

We fall silent again, but he doesn't look irritated anymore, so that's good. I don't want to be pissed of either. I want us to celebrate. After everything we’ve been through, I really want to celebrate with him.

– Hey, I say after a while. He looks up. I grin.

– We won.

Finally, he really smiles.

When we get to my place, Kuroko seems normal to me again. I figure it's going to take a while for the others to get here. I have an idea, so I push him toward the kitchen.

– Sit there, I say and point to the kitchen table. He gives me a long look, but does as I say.

– Why?

– Because I'm making you a shake.

He stares, and his eyes appear wider.

– What? I say, because that look irritates me.

– Kagami-kun... You're a good person after all.

– Haa haa.

Okay, he's definitely normal now. I take out the ice cream.

– Do you ever drink anything but vanilla?

– Sure, sometimes.

– I have strawberries and chocolate sauce, and stuff... but, I'm guessing you'll just have your favourite.

– You are weirdly prepared.

– I just happen to have them, I lie. I'm not sure why. I open the fridge to take out the milk.

– I think it's better to have something safe tonight, he says.

– You find strawberries threatening?

That gets the tiniest snort out of him. Then he just shrugs. Weird answer to a weird question, I guess.

– Vanilla it is, I say.

I mix the ice cream and the milk, and throw in some vanilla sauce to make it tastier. For some reason, I note that it's probably something he can guess I wouldn't normally have. Suddenly, I'm uncomfortably aware of him watching me. Huh. As if I'm doing something weird. I try to put the thought away. When the shake is ready, I decide to make one for myself, with all the random ingredients I have. Strawberries, chocolate and caramel sauce. It turns out pretty grey. I fill two tall glasses and take them to the table.

– That can't taste good, Kuroko says when I sit next to him.

– At least it's not as plain as yours.

– This isn't plain. Sometimes simple is the best. Yours looks like a mess.

I take a sip.

– It's not that bad.

– Really?

– Try it, I say, pointing the straw at him. He does. He gulps once, slowly. I grin. He looks up.

– Kagami-kun... This is terrible.

– I know.

– ...

– What?

– You're mean.

– Nah. That one is great, right?

He drinks his shake silently.

– It is, he says. – Thank you.

His eyes shift to the glass of grey.

– Are you really going to drink that? he asks.

– Of course. After all, we just won.

– You are drinking that mess because we won?

– Yes.

And I gulp down almost half of it. It's not that terrible. Just… weird. Really sweet. Sometimes a sugar overload feels great.

– You're an idiot, Kagami-kun.

– Whatever. Tonight, everything is because we won.

– Of course.

I swallow the rest of the grey mess, and leave Kuroko with the shake. I'm just going to make some easy food for tonight. I know the others are going to appear with bags full of junk, so I didn't bother with that. I'm making cream cheese filled mushrooms in the oven. They'll probably go cold too soon, but I'm sure the oven will be too busy with mini pizzas and stuff once the others get here, so whatever, these are good even if they're cold.

– You're making a salad, too? Kuroko asks when I take out greens.

– Yeah, so?

– That's healthy.

I don't appreciate his stare.

– Figured someone might want a change after eating themselves sick with chips.

– …

– What? What were you expecting?

– Like, deep fried hamburgers, maybe?

Actually, that makes me laugh.

– Hey, I don't even eat that much hamburgers.

He blinks.

– Compared to who?

– I mean I don't eat junk at home.

– I see.

– Why are you still looking at me weirdly?

– Because, Kagami-kun, you could have made something as dumb as deep fried hamburgers ”because we won”, but you're making a salad instead.  
I frown.

– What? You have a problem with that?

– No, I like that.

Now I stare, and for whatever reason, nothing comes out of my mouth. I just stand there like an idiot, until I realize there really is no comeback forming in my brain. I turn to the fridge and take out the rest of those strawberries. Might as well throw them in the salad too.

– Whatever, I mutter, which I realize sounds pathetic but it's his fault for saying embarrassing stuff. But he doesn't say anything more either, just finishes his shake in silence.

I keep my eyes on the salad while I mix it. Next, I'm frying marinated cherry tomatoes. Suddenly, I find myself wondering if this is going to make Kuroko think I'm some kind of hippie. Which is completely stupid. Since when do I care what anyone thinks of me?

I don't usually mind silence, but right now it's making the air in the room seem oddly thick. I wonder if he feels it too, but maybe it's just me. I can feel him watching me, so now I'm wondering if he can tell it's bugging me. Damn it, I want to get out of this self-conscious loop, but even as I'm trying to focus on what I'm doing, and keep my eyes on the frying pan, my attention is where he's watching me from. With those eyes, that are both dreamy and lazer sharp, which is confusing. You can tell he can tell all this stuff about you, and you can never guess what it could be, but you can tell he's taking notes about you. I guess it just feels kind of embarrassing. But I wonder why I feel it so strongly tonight. Everything is just weird tonight I guess.

I need to break the silence, so I tell him to taste the tomatoes I've left on a plate, while I turn to take the mushrooms from the oven. I hear him stand up, and walk, and then... almost choke.

– I-idiot, it's hot! I turn to shout at him, then drop the tray on the stove and pour him a glass of water as fast as I can. His eyes look red when he gulps it down.

– Did you burn your tongue?

– I... think so.

Seriously, this guy who gets praise for perceptiveness can be absolutely mindless, too.

– Where the hell is your head tonight?

I take the glass from him and make him drink another one.

– Now, show me, I say, and I grab his chin and force his mouth open.

– Doesn't look bad to me, I say with relief. He steps back and covers his mouth.

– It still hurts...

– Well it's your own fault. I can't even fathom your stupidity right now.

– Yes...

– Just drink more water.

– Yes...

I can't help but snort.

– I don't think this is funny, he mutters.

– Yes, it is. For you to be so stupid...

That's when the door bell rings. I go open the door, and Coach marches in, announcing the party has begun. She's followed by Kiyoshi, and then I see Captain has now tagged along too. Coach is soon concerned about why Kuroko looks weird, and gives him a well-earned slap on the head when she hears. Then she makes a fuss about why nobody else has gotten here yet, but we don't have to wait long, everyone is here in the next twenty minutes, among them... Alex. Of course she's here. But she's carrying...

– Here! I figured I'd treat you guys!

She tosses two plastic bags of cans and bottles to me.

For a moment I'm speechless. Apparently, I'm so much more of an idiot than everyone says, because I honestly didn't expect anything like this from her.

– You bought alcohol for high schoolers! I get out. Her eyes widen as she smiles.

– You're one to talk! I already know all about your little stunt.

Of course, since she came in with Koganei and Mitobe. Must have run to them on the way.

– It's so much worse when it's an adult!

– Says who? she chuckles.

– Argh...

– Okay, well it's all for me then, and your friends will just steal some without me noticing anything, will that make you happy? What's the big deal, anyway? Don't most people do this? Just don't call the cops, and I won't rat about you either.

– You-

That's when the ”big deal” comes from behind me. Of course, I notice him because I was just hoping he wouldn't appear before I could manage to hide these bags in the kitchen. Kuroko looks at the bags in my hands in silence. Then he looks at me coldly.

– Kagami-kun, you're a liar.

– What! I swear, I didn't know about this!

– Sure you didn't, he says, and crosses his arms.

– I honestly didn't!

He starts to walk away.

– I will no longer be your shadow.

– Huh? Now you're making fun of this?

– No, I'm serious.

– You're so annoying!

He walks away and Alex chuckles all the time behind me.

– You're so easy to provoke, she says and giggles.

– Well I can't tell if he's angry now, or not! He really didn't like this earlier!

She just giggles more, and walks past me towards the living room, as she says quietly:

– He's so got you around his little finger.

– What? I gasp. – No one's got me around anything!

But she doesn't answer, or look at me, which annoys me even more. I exhale loudly and drag the bags to the kitchen. No use hiding them now. I wonder what will become of tonight.

Soon everyone's having fun. Sure, the alcohol seems to be the main event for Koganei, Captain and even Furihata. Coach nags about it at first, but soon she's way too interested herself. I suppose underage drinking is way more common in America, because I'm so much less fascinated, even though I've never been drunk either. (Not _really_ , anyway.) Also, I don't want anyone throwing up around the walls. Alex actually promises to see that no one drinks too much. I notice that Tsuchida is bonding with Kuroko, because he's against drinking as well, so I guess they're having fun in their own way. Someone has brought a Twister, and soon I'm challenged by Kiyoshi. How could I refuse?

– That's so gay! says Koganei, when we're in the middle of the game. He sits on the floor close to us, with a beer, and a stupid grin. Kiyoshi frowns.

– Actually, it's very inappropriate to say that, he says.

– Blaah. What I mean is, it's a lame game, Koganei goes on, squinting dramatically.

– Then choose your words more wisely, Kiyoshi says.

– Go piss off someone else, if you think it's lame, I say. – Next colour! I yell at Mitobe who's spinning the pointer for us. My arm is really starting to hurt.

– No way, Koganei says, smirking. – I'm playing against the winner.

He's gulping the beer down, and I think it's too fast. When Kiyoshi moves again, my arm gives out, and my elbow touches the floor, just for a second.

– Kagami, you slipped! he says, when I try to cover it.

– No I didn't!

– Yes, you did. Grow up.

– Well, it's his fault for spouting nonsense and distracting me! I say, looking at Koganei. Kiyoshi rolls his eyes.

– Now, that's lame.

– Argh, fine, whatever! I say, and roll onto the floor. – This game is such a pain anyway!

They're both laughing at me when they start a new round, but whatever. I sit up, and watch for a while, but Koganei loses so quickly I'm certain he's drinking too fast. Then Kiyoshi plays with Izuki, but it's not really a very interesting game to watch, and I'm hungry, so I go to the kitchen, and see that someone's really brought mini pizzas, so I gobble down a couple of them, and a few big mushrooms. I look around the room. I realize I'm scanning for Kuroko, but I don't see him anywhere. For some time, I figure it's just that, I just don't see him. But no, he really isn't here. So I go look for him.

Soon I've searched every room, but haven't found him. The bathroom is empty too. I check every place again, to make sure. Where is that idiot hiding? Why does he need to do this? I scan the living room once more. It's no use.

Suddenly, I remember the time I found him alone on the balcony. Or got startled by him, whatever. I haven't thought of the balcony because it's cold outside, but now that's the only place left. I open the door, and there he really is in the corner, in his winter coat, leaning on the railing, eyes closed. He turns to look, when I close the door behind me.

– What are you doing out here?

I'm trying not to sound annoyed.

– I just... needed some air.

– Hmm...

He doesn't say anything more, just turns to look at the city below. I sigh, and grab the railing beside him.

– Hey, are you really still mad about the drinking?

He shakes his head slightly.

– No, Kagami-kun, I have accepted that. I _was_ joking earlier.

– Then what are you hiding for?

– I am not hiding. It's just very noisy out there.

– Huh. Of course it is.

He doesn't answer. I struggle to come up with something to say.

– Sometimes, you're kind of a loner for someone who preaches togetherness so much, I blurt. And it's a mistake. I see his eye twitch. It's slight but obvious. Oh crap, I meant it as a joke. But really, when I think about it, it’s so obviously a bad joke.

– I... am aware of that, he says quietly.

Craaap. I actually managed to hit something I shouldn't have.

– Look, I didn't mean-, I mumble. What the hell do I say now?

– I'm an idiot, okay? I... that was meant to be funny, but I don't know what I was thinking. I probably don't think, that's what they keep telling me, anyway.

Great. Since when do I babble like this?

– Oh, he says, and I think he's smiling just a little. I sigh, for the thousandth time tonight.

– Kagami-kun...

– What?

– You don't need to be so worried about me.

– Who said I was worried?

– I don't need a babysitter.

– Well, good!

– You have barely let me out of your sight tonight.

– What, so you're hiding from me?

– No, idiot. I'm here because my head is buzzing from the noise.

I just look at him for a while.

– Really? I ask.

– Yes. It has been a very noisy day.

– That's true...

He looks down and I'm not sure what to do, or say. Should I just leave? Maybe. But apparently, I don't. I’m not sure why. So, I open my mouth to see what comes out. Sometimes I think better out loud.

– Look, it bothers me, if you're not having fun, I say. – Everyone should definitely be having fun right now. It's weird to be out here alone, and I can't understand why you seem down on a night like this!

He sighs.

– I really am not. This is the night when everything is perfect, right? No matter what might happen tomorrow, only tonight counts, doesn't it? This is our happy ending.

– Eh. That's a bit dramatic.

– But it's true. This should be, like the happiest night of my life, and I should be out there celebrating with everyone, but instead I am too tired to even function properly.

– Oh.

I blink a few times. I don't get why he looks so serious.

– So you really are just tired? Why didn't you say so!

– ...

– What?

– Because it makes me feel bad. Nobody else is tired, he says, glancing toward the living room. – They are all ready to be up all night.

– Eh. Well, they're all idiots anyway, I say, as if that wouldn't include me too.

– Am I not? he says, raising his eyebrows slightly.

– Um... you're a different kind of idiot.

But it’s like he didn’t expect me to answer, because he says right away:

– I hate being weak.

He says it calmly, but coming from him, it somehow seems like a big confession.

– That's stupid. You're not weak. You're... something else, but not weak.

It's definitely true, but the word I’m looking for just doesn’t appear from my brain. It's not a negative word. I can't find it, but I think I've finally figured out the basics here. And it's not even complicated. God, he's so much work.

– So, you feel bad because you'd like to be over there, but don't have the energy to clown around like the rest.

– Um... I suppose.

– That's idiotic.

– Thank you, that's a nice perspective.

– Argh, do you _like_ making things so complicated?

He sighs again.

– Kagami-kun. I only want you to stop worrying about me and have fun like you should. I said earlier that I don't want to ruin anyone's mood.

– You're worried that you being tired is going to ruin someone's mood?

– I did make you angry.

I don't even resist the urge to facepalm.

– What the hell? That's because you didn't say anything! Give me a bit more credit than that!

He blinks.

– I mean... It's understandable to be tired, I say. – Why make a big deal out of it?

He looks down.

– I was trying not to.

– You really are an idiot if you thought it wouldn't bother me... everyone else, if you just disappear.

– ...

– Come on, it's our victory party. You need to be there too. Otherwise, it doesn't make any sense. Why do I even need to say this? If the noise is too much I'll find you earplugs or something.

He gives me a long look.

– I was going to come back, of course. After I gave my ears a rest, he says then.

– Eh. Right. Of course.

Another long look.

– So... It's Kagami-kun who is making a big deal...

I slap him on the head.

– How am I supposed to figure you out when you don't talk! It's your fault for acting so mysterious!

– That's how it looked?

– Are you going to come back in or what? I snap. – I'll make you another shake.

– Oh?

– You'll get more energy from a sugar high! I say, as I yank the door open.

– And then lose it rapidly...

– Whatever.

I open the door. The situation in the living room seems to have somewhat evolved. Alex is showing them how to mix some drinks. I'm really starting to doubt she's actually watching anyone's drinking. Whatever, I guess. Izuki seems to be exploring the stereos. Coach wants to dictate the music choices.

– Hey, what were you two scheming by yourselves? Koganei calls out to us. – Come play _Truth or Dare_ with us!

I stare at him blankly across the room.

– If you think _Twister_ is gay...

– Oh, shut it!

– Koganei-senpai, come have shakes with us instead. Kagami-kun's shake bar is open all night, Kuroko says. I frown at him.

– Haha, I have a different kind of bar here... still have many things to taste!

– You're already drunk, I say.

– No waay! Just a tiny bit buzzed!

I shrug and turn to the kitchen. If I'm not wrong, the stereos just started spouting some very techno Korean pop.

I end up being dragged into that hackneyed party game anyway. I try to pull Kuroko with me too, but he's quick to sit to the living room table just behind me, with his shake.

– I'll pass, he says. Near by, Izuki seems to prick up his ears.

– Potential pun! he gasps.

– It wasn't, Kuroko says. Izuki looks heartbroken. Suddenly, Kuroko seems to frown at his shake.

– Hmm, Kagami-kun... This tastes weird.

– Huh? It's the same as last time.

– It doesn't taste the same.

– Well, that's because you burned your tongue, right? Your fault.

– Right..., he mumbles.

I don't get much out of this game. Its name should be changed into _Stupid People Do Stupid Shit_. I'm bailing as soon as I think Koganei, or someone, won't make a fuss about it. Hope it won't take long. Right now, he's pointing at Coach, and telling her to kiss Alex. She's drunk enough to go for it, but Alex grabs her neck and keeps her at an arm's length.

– Haha, it only works the other way around! she says. Most of them boo. I just sigh.

– Hey, can we at least decide on _some rules_? I say. They blink at me.

– Like what? Coach asks.

– Like, no kissing and groping and stuff?

– Whaaaat. I didn't know you were such a bore, says Izuki.

– I can't see what's so amusing about it. Two random people kiss. Where's the joke?

– I kind of agree, says Tsuchida.

– You're not even playing, so you don't get to say! shouts Captain.

– Pfft, Kagami, you're missing the whole point, Koganei giggles stupidly.

– What point!?

Kuroko elbows me from behind.

– Kagami-kun, I think this whole game was invented by people who wanted to kiss random, or specific people, but were too shy about it.

– Isn't that version called _Spin the Bottle?_

– Hmm. This version was probably developed by those who tried to be more discreet about it, so they needed the variety as an excuse.

Kiyoshi bursts out laughing.

– Kuroko, that's too cynical!

– Argh, whatever, I'm out! I say, and get up. – I don't want to kiss anyone in this room.

I get more boos.

– Actually, that's a shame. I was looking forward to Kagami-kun's embarrassing secrets, Kuroko says, and holds up his glass. – While you're up, this is empty.

I frown at him, but take the glass anyway.

– Like I would have told any. I'd just lie.

– So... you actually _don't_ get the point of this game.

– Damn right.

I'm walking away, but then I glance back at him.

– Did it still taste weird?

– Yes... but I think I got used to it.

So, I spend an hour or so with Kuroko and Tsuchida, watching the others embarrass themselves and apparently getting something out of it. When Captain is asked if he likes anyone in this room, he coughs, and says he ”tolerates everyone”. When he's pressed to answer if he likes anyone romantically, he says that's two questions, and moves on. Next, Koganei is asked to share an embarrassing moment, and he starts telling embarrassingly enthusiastically how he was caught by his parents in the shower, doing you-know-what. I wonder if he's too drunk to remember it tomorrow.

– I so did not need to hear that, says Tsuchida.

Just when I'm getting completely bored, Kuroko figures he and Tsuchida should see how many cheese puffs they can fit into my mouth. I do my best to impress them. Kuroko actually seems relaxed now, though he looks tired, more than before. Both of them already seem amused enough, but I keep forcing cheese puffs behind my teeth, which turns out to be stupid, because I almost choke. I cough everything on the table. They laugh of course. I'm not sure I've heard Kuroko laugh quite like that before, not even earlier today. There's something odd about it, though I'm not sure what. It's good he's having fun. Plus, he's tired so it's probably just that. He tells me that now I have to eat all the puffs on the table. I really don't feel like it, anymore, so I just go get a trash bin. When I get back, I find Kuroko on his back, on the floor, his head on one of the sitting pillows.

– Hey. Are you okay?

I leave the bin and sit beside him.

– He said his head hurts, Tsuchida says.

– Hey, what's wrong?

I wave my hand in front of his eyes.

– Don't be stupid Kagami-kun, I can see your hand.

– Then answer me, damn it.

– Mm, I just feel weird and sleepy, he mumbles.

– Weird how?

– The room... was kind of spinning.

I frown. He closes his eyes. I put my hands on his face. I didn't notice before but it looks red and it's a bit hot.

– Hey, open your eyes.

He does. His pupils are really small. For a moment something is forming in my head, and then my eyes shift to the almost empty milkshake glass on the table. I grab it, and smell. And blink, and smell it again.

– Um.

That's all I get out, for a moment.

– What? What's wrong? Tsuchida asks. Kuroko looks at me with dizzy eyes.

– Ehm. Kuroko, don't freak out now, but you're drunk.

He just looks at me without reaction.

– What? he mutters then. – I can't be drunk, Kagami-kun. That's silly.

He said earlier the shake was weird. What the hell-

And then I'm looking at the culprit. He's not even looking at us, probably hasn't even noticed what's happening, but it just plain can't be anyone else. Nobody else could be this irresponsible. I feel my nostrils flare. I stand up and go grab his shirt from behind.

– You- you... I- can't even come up with a bad enough word to call you right now!

Koganei just smiles and stares at me like a cat.

– What? Did you miss me?

– You put something into that shake!

His eyes light up.

– Oh! I did! All of them!

– WHAT?

– While you weren't looking! Wasn't it great?

He dares to sound so proud.

– What the HELL did you think you were doing!

Others are looking at us now, too.

– The bottle is right there!

He points at a liquor bottle on the kitchen table and smirks.

– Thought that would be fun, cheer him up! Kuroko, are you having fun? Why are you on the floor?

I drop Koganei and go to the kitchen. At least, I hear some of the others scold Koganei as well, but I'm too worked up to pay much attention to them. I grab the bottle from the corner of the table.

– You... fucking idiot! This is almost 50% stuff!

– Huh, do you think a cider shake would make anyone drunk? Koganei chirps. I know it's no use even talking to him in that state, but-

– You're obviously begging me to knock your teeth out! I yell and pull my fist up.

– Kagami-kun...

Of course, that voice from the floor stops me. I sigh, and leave the others to watch Koganei. Actually, Alex seems to be doing a good enough job at scolding him right now because he isn't smiling like an idiot anymore. I go sit next to Kuroko again.

– Please, don't make it worse, he mumbles. I exhale deeply to calm down.

– How many did you drink again? I ask.

– Three...

– Unbelievable. How did you not realize?

– I knew it was weird... But how could I tell, I had no idea what alcohol tastes like, and the burn... you said so too.

– Right. How do you feel?

– Weird.

– Well, at least your speech makes more sense than that dumbass's, I say and glare at Koganei.

– What an achievement...

He sounds defeated. I'm not sure if sarcasm is a sign he's not about to pass out, or if that's just the last thing to leave him.

– Hmm. Actually, I'm kind of disappointed, I say, now that my fury gives way for some thought too.

– Why…?

– You do look pretty drunk, but you're still... well, you, I guess.

He frowns.

– Yes. You should be very disappointed that I am not spicing up other people's drinks.

– Haa haa. I just thought maybe you'd be just a little bit crazy, I say. Then I quickly add:

– Not that I've been picturing you drunk. Why would I.

– Mm, he mutters, and I don't say more since he looks too tired to talk. Okay, now I actually won't let him out of sight tonight. Probably not hard anymore.

The others have managed to resume their stupid game of _Truth or Dare_.

– Aren't you running out of questions already? I say, but doubt anyone hears. I also don't think they scolded Koganei enough in the end, but maybe it's better to leave that until morning... when everyone's hungover and has back pains from sleeping on the floor, since I don't see them getting anywhere from here tonight.

I notice Tsuchida looking at me.

– What?

– Nothing. Just didn't think you would be the only other sober person here tonight.

– Uh, I guess...

I'm kind of hoping Kuroko would just fall asleep, but I see him opening his eyes every now and then. At some point Tsuchida doesn't know what else to do, so he joins the game, muttering something like "ugh what the hell ever yolo".

I go get food. Try to make Kuroko eat too, but of course he won't. I force him to drink water.

I haven't been listening to what's been going on for a while, when I see that right-now-complete-waste-of-space Koganei creep on the floor near Kuroko.

– Get away from him, idiot, I spat.

– Blaah. I need to ask someone a private question!

– Your game is going too meta.

– Whatever. Kurokoo, do you have someone you like or someone who likes you?

– Mh. Of course not, he says quietly.

– Boring! Koganei laughs.

– Leave him alone. Ask me if you have to.

– No need, since he answered, dummy.

I'm surprised he's satisfied with that, and soon back at the circle on the floor. Something bothers me now though. I know it's none of my business, but I find myself asking:

– Why did you say that?

– Hm...?

Kuroko doesn't open his eyes but I assume he's listening.

– Just sayin'. There's Momoi. Or are you blind or what?

I suppose Koganei just forgot about her. Weird. Now Kuroko looks at me. And frowns. And sighs.

– What? I spat. – Even I can see she's crazy in love with you or something.

He sighs again.

– No, she isn't.

– Oh, please.

– There's someone else for her, and anyone who doesn't see that, they are blind. She will always choose that person first. Even if she feels something for me, it isn't anything that matters in the end, not really.

– Huh?

I blink.

– Hey. You are not talking about...?

– I'm not saying anything more about it.

– Hmm...

I suppose it's better to leave that person's name unspoken, then.

– Because you wouldn't have said that if you weren't drunk? I say instead. He doesn't answer.

I suddenly remember I have the trash bin near me. I start sweeping the cheese puffs in there. I stop still when I hear him mumble:

– It's better that way anyway. No one should fall in love with me. Really... I wouldn't wish that for anyone. I would feel sorry for them.

I frown.

– What the hell? Where is that nonsense coming from?

He doesn't answer.

– Kuroko?

I look at him, and reach out to poke his arm.

Of course. Now he's asleep.

And that's when Koganei throws up.

I wake up at noon. It's the noise of certain people having a fight over who did and didn't do what last night. It's mostly Coach, Captain, and yes – Koganei. Those three got the most drunk in the end and there they are, up already.

I slept on the floor of my room, so it might be the back pain that woke me up, too. I know it's dumb but I was feeling kind of guilty about what happened to Kuroko, after all, it was me who called him a prude and said no one would make him drink. So, I carried him to my bed. He's still asleep, so I just leave quietly.

Tsuchida is calmly going over what actually happened since he's the only one who's memory can be trusted to be accurate: No – Coach didn't kiss Captain – she almost kissed Kiyoshi. Yes, Furi did kiss Mitobe. Yes, Koganei put his pants on his head and yelled pervy things from the balcony. Most of them don't like what they hear at all, of course. Now I kind of see Kuroko's point, because I doubt this was exactly the way anyone planned to spend last night. It could have been worth to be a little bit more sober for. Oh well, I guess. Some of it was fun. But no, I don't want to have this kind of party here again.

Koganei wants to wake Kuroko up so he can apologize, but of course I stop him.

– The least you can do now is let him sleep.

It should be obvious, but he just looks disappointed. At this point, I kind of hope everyone would just eat breakfast or something, and leave.

My wish starts to come true in about half an hour. Coach leaves first, dragging Captain with her, but no Kiyoshi this time. I realize I’ve been paying attention to them for some time now. I guess I'm starting to wonder if there's something... complicated between those three. Could be my imagination I guess. The others follow the example at their own pace. Pretty soon after everyone has left, I'm having coffee in the kitchen, and Kuroko crawls out of my room. He doesn't look any less tired to me.

– Wow, I say when he comes to the kitchen. He instinctively tries to smooth his hair.

– You _don't_ have a bedhead, I say. – You must have slept so deeply you didn't turn once.

– To be honest, I still don't feel completely awake. But good morning.

He sits next to me and leans on the table.

– Morning's long gone. Want coffee?

– Yes, please.

I go get him a mug.

– Feel like throwing up? I ask.

– ...I don't know yet. Did everyone leave?

– Yeah. Alex's still sleeping in the guest room. Were you awake earlier?

– Yes...

– Avoiding that squinty-eyed bastard?

– ...I forgive Koganei-senpai, of course. I just... would rather talk to him when I'm... feeling normal.

– Yeah, sure.

– You didn't have to give me your bed. But thank you, he says. I just shrug.

– Um... how much of that did I actually drink? he asks, looking at the bottle that's still on the corner of the table. It's more than half empty.

– I don't know, I say, and shrug. – Not _that_ much of course. It can't have been full when he started.

After that he's mostly quiet, which isn't surprising, and eats next to nothing. Still, he's ready to go home way sooner than I expected. He's almost at the door when I remember something. I'm not sure why I don’t stop myself, because it’s stupid, but:

– Do you remember what you mumbled last night?

He turns to me, and looks serious for a while.

– About Momoi-san? Please, Kagami-kun, don't ever mention to her I said something like that.

– Huh? Why would I?

– I don't know. I just... need to make sure. It isn't something she needs to know, and it would just hurt her feelings.

– Right. Of course I won't. I have no need.

– Thank you.

– Um. Do you remember what you said after that?

He blinks and tilts his head. Can't seem to remember.

– Uh... some crap about... like no one should fall for you or something.

His eyes fix on me and his mouth opens slightly.

– I said that...?

I feel a sudden need to explain.

– Yeah, well, it sounded really weird so I was just wondering why anyone would say something like that.

– Oh. I really said that? Of course you would be...

He's looking down for a bit. Did I make him embarrassed? It's hard to tell since he doesn't exactly emote strongly. I probably should've just let it be. People say much weirder stuff when they're drunk. It's not like it makes sense half the time. Why would I worry over this? But...

He looks up. I don't think he looks uneasy.

– Well... It's not a secret or anything. But it's also not something I like to talk about. Not right now, at least. Hmm.

Okay, so apparently it wasn't just nonsense to him.

– Basically... I think that, what I said, because I just don't think it would work out, he says, turning to the door. – That's all. Have a good day, Kagami-kun.

– Um...

But then he's gone. I just stare at the door for a moment. Then I feel the need to kick a shoe. It hits the door and drops kind of awkwardly onto the floor.

 _Yeah, right!_ That explains it! All clear now! I'm so much more confused than I was before.

And he _so_ ran away just now.

Well... I guess it's my fault. I really did make him uncomfortable. Of course I did, duh! If it's something he wouldn't have said sober, of course it's something he wouldn't want to talk about. I really shouldn't have pressed it. Good job. Really excellent.

I sigh, and go back to the kitchen. It's still a bit of a mess. (The others cleaned the living room, though.) I'm making Alex take all the empty cans and bottles out.

I sit, and listen to the silence.

Kuroko was right about something. I was worried. I was watching over him. And now I think I failed miserably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have some music I used for inspiration I'd like to share. I always have songs I listen to, when I'm thinking about the next chapter. Sometimes it's because the lyrics are spot on, sometimes it's because the general message of the song is good, (even if the details don't match), and sometimes it doesn't make any sense, the general feel of the song just fits in my head for some really subjective reason that is a mystery to even myself. (Generally, I do like songs with fitting lyrics, though, so there's going to be the most of that.)
> 
> My inspiration music for this chapter was:
> 
> Looks like we made it - Amy Diamond  
> Wonders - S. J. Tucker  
> Verge - Owl City  
> Long Live - Taylor Swift


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valentine's Day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of a **disclaimer**. I've been debating whether I should put this chapter out there for a long time, because... it turned out a little weird. It's completely different from the previous chapter. Well, it should be, since that one is from Kagami's POV and this one is from Kuroko's, and they're obviously very different kind of people. But I didn't mean the general feel of it to turn out this different. (I guess I've managed to tone it down a bit in the later chapters, though.) I'll try to explain what you're about to read a little bit.
> 
> So, writing from Kagami's POV felt like fun and games from day one, when I started this fic. The way I see him, his head is always very much here and now and his main concern is with concrete reality. So I think it was his character that pushed me to write about "what is actually happening". That kind of focus always brings up situational comedy, and generally a lighter feeling when I write. (And I feel like his inner life is mostly about his immediate feelings about things, but you'll see more of that in later chapters.)
> 
> Kuroko's chapter didn't turn out remotely like this. In my mind, his reality is completely different, and so the emphasis in this chapter went to different things, like his inner world and symbolism (so much of that). And this kind of focus obviously made the story very different. I think it has a heavier feeling to it, and so much less plot.
> 
> But the main issues is really this: There isn't _that_ much of anyone's inner world depicted in the original series, so writing from that kind of viewpoint practically forces me to take liberties. So, while the Kagami chapter didn't have too many things happen outside of canon, this chapter is completely my own interpretation of everything, from the start to the end, and I think this chapter might change the sense of what this fic is about, completely.
> 
> There's one more thing I need to warn you about: This chapter has a story inside a story that takes quite a lot of space, and it turns everything pretty much into metafiction. The intertextuality gets kind of out of hand. (But I sure had fun writing it.) I'm just saying, because otherwise it's probably going to come out of nowhere and it's still probably not going to make any sense to some people, since it's really just very subjective musing from me. But it has a purpose, so I'm not taking it out.
> 
> I'm allowing myself to write whatever I feel like in this fic in general, and I think this chapter is a prime example of that. So be prepared, but also don't worry too much, since most of the later chapters are way more coherent and accessible.
> 
> Oh! One more thing: Kuroko's grandmother. I said in the first notes of this fic that I interpreted the characters that never appeared in the original series whichever way I pleased. She's the ultimate proof.

# Third: Of course I know I'm not interested

# Kuroko

Once you let something to the surface of your consciousness, you can no longer unsee it.

I know it seems paradoxical. If I can say that, then it means I already know it's there, which means it's already in my consciousness. It means it's something I choose to put away. I don't look at it, I don't name it, and I, most of all, do not talk about it. That way, I don't know exactly what it looks like for me, or what I would call it exactly, or how to talk about it. That way, I can only ever express a general idea. So, when I see it in someone else, or someone else names it, or talks about it, it doesn't ring any wrong bells in me. That way it's never about me, and I don't have to react to it. I can keep my mind from leaking.

To knowingly trick yourself, must be one of the most curious things human mind is capable of.

This is not really what I'm thinking as I sit alone at the crowded café. People are up early, because Valentine's Day is a Sunday this year. This is one of the especially good days to watch people. If the variety of emotions could be seen as colours in the air, there would be so much more than just different hues of red. I know that kind of thought doesn't do so well in daylight, so if anyone asks, I'm only watching for misdirectional purposes. To be honest though, it feels too technical for this kind of atmosphere. I would only be distracted. Today is better for letting my mind wander, take in anything I please, tune into the energies around. Live in someone else's story for a little while.

Not that something like this doesn't happen frequently on an average day. People are far too interesting to only look at from one angle, and I don't really need a practical reason.

Excluding a few groups, the tables are filled with girl-boy and girl-girl pairs. Most of the latter are probably friends but sometimes it's hard to tell. Two girls can easily come to a place like this on Valentine's Day, too, and no one will bat and eyelash. It's curious how just being a girl is the perfect cover.

So far, I haven't seen anyone familiar, which isn't that surprising, since I have never been here before. I didn't pick this place myself this time either. I'm not just here to watch people. I'm meeting Momoi-san. But I did come more than an hour early, so I could watch people. Usually I like to do it in less crowded places where you can hear some of the conversations, and people stay longer. But this is good enough.

For a while now, I've been following these two girls, who could potentially be here for a reason other than meeting with a friend. I can't see the other one's face, but the one I can see, is having a hard time looking the other girl in the eye. She smooths her hair quite often, tucks it behind her ears even when there isn't anything to tuck. Her elbows are pressed to her sides while she cuts small pieces of the pie in front of her. She smiles very small and quick smiles, and while she talks, her hands are almost always on her lap. The other girl talks more, and I can see from her cheek that she's smiling wider, and her hands illustrate her talking naturally, but they, too, seem a little stiff.

I know all of this could be their general behaviour as well. I know people who act timid and shy like the other girl in most situations, and people who seem to repress the extend of their extroversion like the other. But I don't think this is the case here, not completely at least. They seem too nervous to me. Both of them sit very still, even if their hands are moving, as if they were glued right in the middle of their seats. I think either they are relatively new to each other, or the situation is new, or both. And it seems a bit unlikely to be meeting a new friend on Valentine's Day.

And then again, it could be just my imagination. Even though I don't know why I would want to imagine it. If there isn't anything, why would I want to see it there?

Then I hear the voice, like a small bell, from behind, and I remember again that I'm here.

– Tetsu-kun!

She hurries beside me.

– Momoi-san. You found me.

– Well, that's because you said fourth table by the window! Sorry I'm almost late!

I only realized to tell her that in advance because it was so crowded. Sometimes, I seem to forget how hard it is for people to see or remember me. Or rather, I just somehow manage to leave that out of the equation pretty often. Which I realize is ironic.

– You are on time, I say.

She's slightly out of breath, and smiling brightly like she usually does when nothing is bothering her.

– You haven't ordered anything?

– I was waiting for you.

– We have to go separately, or we'll lose the table! she says and looks around.

– You can go first.

When we're both back, she runs her fingers through her hair on both sides and wipes it back a little.

– Oh, I must look like a scarecrow now! I made lots of chocolates this year, and was still finishing packing them in the morning, didn't realize it would take so long! So, I had to run a little...

– Won't you be running the whole day, if you're going to meet all those people today?

– Oh well, just those who live near enough! Some will be at school tomorrow anyway...

She stops, then looks quickly at the two girls on the nearby table, and then back at me. She says quietly:

– Where you just looking at those two?

I give a nod. She smiles curiously.

– Do you think there's any chance they could be on a date?

I’m surprised she would bring something like that up, and so casually. But, I never would have thought Momoi-san to be too prejudiced to do that, if I had thought about it.

– Do you think so? I ask.

– Yes, because! I've seen that other girl before. She's so outgoing, she whispers. – One of her friends goes to our school and I've heard her complain she’s so loud it’s annoying. But she isn't like that now, it's like she's trying to give an especially good impression. She must not know that other girl too well. And it would be weird to meet a new friend on Valentine's Day in a place like this, right?

That makes me smile a little. Momoi-san seems to know something about everyone. If she wanted to, she could excel in gossiping. I'm glad she doesn't. It's just personal curiosity for her. For that, I've always felt a certain kinship with her. She comes to it from a different angle, but still we both can't help noticing people and taking mental notes about them. It may be that it's more like a map for me, and for her maybe more of a storage, but it's still similar. This time, too, we ended up with the same conclusion.

– To be honest, I was thinking that too, I say. Sometimes I think we could connect much more than we do, if only it weren't...

– Here! Happy Valentine's Day!

...for this. She has taken a box of chocolates out of her bag and puts it in front of me on the table.

– Thank you, I say.

I could pretend it's a _giri_ chocolate without any... ambiguity. I could tell her ”you didn't have to”. But that would put her in an awkward position. So, as always, I don't do anything, just let it go. I stare at the pink ribbons for a moment, and say:

– You always put so much effort into these.

She blushes a little bit and smiles widely.

– Well, yours is special!

Right, that would allow her to say that. I feel a sting of guilt for not being able to be thrilled about it.

– Oh, and don't worry, these are absolutely edible! I made them with a friend who practically held my hand through the process. And I tasted them!

– I'm not worried. I'm sure they're great.

She blushes more.

– So, you can't stay long? she asks, tilting her head.

Another sting of guilt. I just can't spend the whole day with her. I can't even be her main event. Because she will allow herself to read too much into it. Normally, I don't like the idea of letting that kind of thing stop me from spending time with my friend. But today... Well, Valentine's Day just has implications that are a little too hard to ignore, no matter how far I'm usually willing to go pretending I don’t even realize they exist.

– No, I say. – My grandmother wants me home.

– On Valentine's Day? she says, blinking.

– Yes, we have... traditions.

– Oh, it must be nice, being so close to your grandmother!

I try to smile. It's not a lie. I'm just not mentioning that she wouldn't ask me to come home if I really wanted to be somewhere else.

I guess, what's worst is that I would like to be here. A bigger part of me would like to sit here and just talk about all the people around us, watch them with her in the way no one else I know can quite understand. But I listen to the smaller part of me.

 

When I get home the familiar bitter and sweet smell of chocolate has filled the rooms. There's something unfamiliar mixed in it too, maybe some new fruit. I think there's a faint scent of chili in the air as well, and other vaguely familiar things I can't name or separate. None of this is surprising from Granny, whom I find in the kitchen, hovering around the trays of truffles in her white-grey bun of hair, oversized sweater and slightly ripped jeans. She's humming something upbeat to herself.

– I'm home. Do you want any help? I ask from the kitchen door.

– No dear, I'm fine! Just come sit and talk to me.

I do as she says. I know she likes to have complete control over the outcome, and that's why she doesn't want help, but I feel like asking anyway. It's not like she always has to have that, but right now she does look too excitedly focused on frosting white truffles with pink. She seems to be in her meticulous mood.

– You were home alone? I ask.

– Oh, for a while now! Those two love birds went ”shopping”. I'm sure they're on a date. Are they ever going to grow up? she says, smiling, and rolls her eyes. I just smile and shrug.

Maybe my parents may be silly, but it's a hundred, a million, an infinite number of times better that way. Maybe someone would find it embarrassing, but I'd rather have them act exactly as lovey-dovey as they want, because they could be fighting and hating each other instead. I know Granny is actually glad too, that they still seem to be in love.

I note that at this rate we'll still be eating these chocolates in June. I thought she made a lot last year. For Granny, things are usually better grand.

– So, did you have fun? she asks.

– Yes, sure, I say. But she looks at me knowingly, so I add:

– You know that it's complicated.

She nods slightly.

– Because you don't return her feelings.

– I... She's a friend to me. An important one.

– Yes. But what's really so complicated about that? She should be thrilled to have you as a friend. There's nothing lesser about friendship. Some friendships are so much deeper and more meaningful than some romantic ones. I could say that about some of mine too!

She turns to the stove to melt more chocolate, but continues:

– She's lucky to have your friendship. Anyone would be.

– You are supposed to think like that. But thank you, I say. She smiles sympathetically.

– I'm sorry if I'm rambling. There's no use going on about what she should realize if she doesn't, right?

– Maybe. But it doesn't mean I'm not glad you think all that.

She stirs the chocolate around, her gaze stopping when she ponders something.

– To be honest I kind of thought you'd eventually warm up to her, she says, with that absent-minded look, before she turns to me quickly and adds:

– I don't mean you should! You know I don't think that, right?

– Yes, I know.

I'm only a bit surprised, because she hasn't said she thought so, not so clearly before. But, that doesn't mean I didn't know it. After all, that's what would usually happen, I guess. So, I admit:

– To be honest, at some point I... kind of hoped I would, too.

I've never put that into words before, but of course Granny would get it out of me. She gives me a quick glance while she pours the chocolate into a bowl.

– Why would you? she asks.

– I... suppose I thought it would be easier.

She knocks the spoon on the side of the bowl.

– You know that's nonsense, right? You'd just be trading one set of problems for another. And the bottom line is, you don't have to feel that way about her. It's okay not to feel that way about anyone at all, ever, if that's just how it is, you know that, right?

– I know. I promise I don't think like that anymore.

– Good. Now, if you want, you can help me dip these hideous almond balls in pretty chocolate frosting.

 

At sunset, we sit on the balcony, wrapped in blankets on the small sofa, with chocolates and hot cocoa, and wait for the stars to come out. I can tell there's already a bustle going on in Granny's head, before she asks:

– So, which one do you want to hear this year?

Granny's stories. My main event of the day, of every holiday. I pretend that I'm thinking, even though I already know.

– Cupid and Psyche, I say, and she chuckles.

– Again? But I would've had a great rumour about the less well-known Valentinus, I don't think you've even heard it before...  
I shrug.

– It's going to be different from last time anyway.

She laughs, and puts a chili truffle in her mouth. Then she winces.

– Remind me to put less chili into these next time. Okay, so Cupid and Psyche. I can go with that.

She gulps some cocoa and leans back on the sofa. Her eyes move along the horizon while she gets her thoughts in order.

– Granny?

– Yes?

– Try not to change it too much.

– Hahaa. I'll see what I can do.

I pull the blanket tighter around me and turn to face Granny. Half of the story is about watching her tell it.

– So, there was Aphrodite, the goddess of beauty and love and all the crap that comes with them. Still is, if gods are immortal, she starts, smirking. She takes a sip of cocoa before continuing.

– Like usual, she was about to cause trouble for people who had done nothing to deserve it except be born. It started with nothing of significance. Aphrodite, obviously, had an obsession with her beauty, and this dumb routine... every morning she would ask her favourite mirror: ”Mirror, mirror, on the wall...”

– Granny... You took that from Snow White.

She raises her eyebrows, smiling.

– How do you know the Grimm brothers didn't steal it?

– It wasn't there the last time?

– I may have forgotten. In any case, it's perfectly logical... see, Aphrodite asked the mirror, like she did every morning: ”Who's the fairest of them all?” Obviously just to point out the fact that the goddess of beauty is flawless just woken up. Anyway, that morning, instead of Aphrodite's own reflection, the mirror showed her a human girl, Psyche.

Needless to say, Aphrodite was furious. She needed to take revenge on Psyche, because no way was she going to let some low human be prettier than her, without consequences. Human as she was, Psyche still wasn't worth of getting her own hands dirty. How lucky Aphrodite had a son, Cupid, from one of her drunk nights with Ares, the god of war. A perfectly fine boy to do her dirty work for her.

So, Cupid was a wild, half love, half war boy. May have been diagnosed with ADHD by this day and age. An unbeatable archer, and in love with the sea. When he wasn't shooting people to make them fall in love with their worst nightmares, or, on a good day, best friends, he was riding the waves on dolphins...

– Are you making that up? You must be.

– Haha, no! Cupid really is depicted riding dolphins in some art of the later centuries...

– Hmm. Okay.

– So, Aphrodite told him to go shoot this little princess to make her fall in love with something deadly, a dragon or something, when he'd have a free moment from all his very important messing around, which Cupid knew, meant right away, or he wouldn't be riding any dolphins for a couple thousand years. So he said: ”Okey-dokey Mum!” and was off to a far away land, to the castle of Psyche's father, the king. However, things didn't go quite according to plan. Stupid Cupid messed up, and scratched himself with his own arrow before he even reached the castle. It was a tragedy for him, he was not supposed to fall victim to his own spells. To avoid falling in love with the first person he would see, Cupid had to hide. He couldn't find his way home blindfolded, and he couldn't see anyone ever. In panic, he escaped to the nearest forest and wandered there, avoiding any living creature. Finally, he found an empty castle and stayed there, all hope lost.

– This didn't happen last time.

– No?

– No, I'm sure Cupid did reach the castle.

– Really? Anyway. Cupid honed his brooding skills, sunk deeper and deeper into his angst. Meanwhile, Psyche had trouble in her royal bubble, and solved the situation in the mature way so typical of teenagers: she fled. Psyche wandered aimlessly in the woods for days...

– Please, don't let her find a house full of dwarfs.

– ...until she found herself at the entrance of an abandoned castle.

– Good.

– So, that's how they met. But neither of them could see each other, since Cupid's excessive angst had made it so dark inside the castle, even during the day. Cupid didn't have the heart to drive a lost girl away, but he also wanted to be left alone, so he avoided her in any way he could, while Psyche tried to make him talk to her. Eventually he gave in, and both told their stories. Cupid didn't mention whom he was sent to curse, and couldn't believe it when he found out the girl he'd been talking to in the dark the whole time, was none other than princess Psyche, who had run away from home after watching all her sisters marry men they didn't love, and deciding she couldn't do the same.

– Is this going to be Beauty and the Beast?

– Hush, now. Then Psyche added that she still didn't understand why Cupid would rather choose to be completely alone than to fall in love with a stranger. Cupid stated there was no way a human could be worth falling in love with. He didn't belong to this world, and gods didn't fall for humans. Humans were all the same: weak. All he wanted was to get back home.

”Then why haven't you tried asking for help?” said Psyche, at which Cupid merely snorted, because gods have way too big egos, and asking for help from a puny human would be almost as bad as falling in love with one. Cupid refused to talk about it, and Psyche let it be for a few days, while they talked about other things, and, almost without realizing it, got to know each other better. Cupid discovered that the seemingly weak and helpless princess was also surprisingly witty and knowledgeable. Psyche grew more conscious that the pissed off god was all cotton inside.

Finally Psyche said to him: ”You say that humans are so weak they're not even worth to ask help from, but here you are bound to this lonely castle because you can't even muster up the courage to face one. Well. Lucky you, I'm willing to help you.”

Cupid laughed. ”How could you possibly help me?”

Psyche smiled. ”I can be your eyes.”

”And how is that supposed to help? You can't fly, can you?” And Cupid flexed his wings in the dark.

But Psyche continued. ”In my castle, there's a secret door to the realm of gods. Every night, my sisters and I would go through, and dance the night away with nymphs and satyrs. But since they were married off, I can no longer go there. It would only open if we were all together.”

– So... this is the Twelve Dancing Princesses now? I ask.

– Oh no, it's just Psyche and her sisters, Granny says and laughs. – So, Cupid could merely blink. Then Psyche said: ”But you. You’re a god. I'm sure you could get through.”

Cupid decided to believe the princess' unbelievable story. But he wasn't convinced yet, since Psyche couldn't go home either. How was she going to get both of them past the king and the queen and the guards and whoever? Psyche told him there was a way, but she would only tell him once they reached the city. Cupid would have to agree to come with her first.

”What do you get out of this, then?” Cupid asked.

”Once you get us through the door...,” said Psyche, pondering. ”Maybe there are other doors to my sisters' castles. Maybe I can find them, and then we can see each other again, and dance.”

And so, Psyche tore the hem of her dress to make a blindfold for Cupid, and the next morning they were off. Psyche couldn't help being curious as she finally saw Cupid step outside of the castle, into the light. As Psyche had expected, the young man looked human, except for the pair of white wings on his back. But she said nothing about it as they started searching their way through the forest.

– Granny...

– Yes?

– This is completely different from the last time.

She smirks.

– Does it bother you?

I can't help smiling a bit.

– No, this version is interesting.

She smiles.

– The journey took a long time, because it isn't so easy to be someone's eyes or let someone be yours. That kind of trust isn't build over night. But they had nothing but time, and in that time, Cupid grew less and less angry and frustrated, while Psyche became more and more relaxed and open. They may have felt like they were forced to share every minute of the day, at first, but soon they were enjoying each other's company. By the time they reached the borders of the city, each knew they never would have made it alone. That kind of knowledge tends to draw people closer.

Granny pauses to ponder for a moment. Now I honestly have no idea where this story is going.

– But that wasn't all, not at all. Cupid had grown fond of other things in his companion. Maybe, because he couldn't see her, he discovered faster how much there was to hear. The same was true for Psyche, because she couldn't see all the things his eyes would tell without the blindfold. So, they grew together in conversation. Finished each other's sentences. Couldn't wait for the next thing the other would say.

But now they were there, on the outskirts of the city, and Psyche knew she had to tell Cupid the rest of her plan. She stopped walking, dramatically, like only a true princess can. Shame Cupid couldn't see the whole impact, he just heard her stop, so he stopped as well. Psyche turned to face Cupid. She took a deep breath.

”I was... I was going to ask you to pretend to be my husband. I know, why would a god marry a human, right? But I was sure that would distract my parents long enough, if I said we eloped, they wouldn't dare to try to stop a god, even a blind one, from going with me to my bedroom, that's where the way to the secret door is...” Her voice faded away. Cupid was confused.

”What's the problem? I can do that.”

”I know...”

They were both silent for a while, then Psyche gathered up all her courage. She wouldn't back down now that she had decided to say it all at once.

”You should look at me.”

”What...?”

”You should look at me, and fall in love with me. If you have no other choice than to hide the rest of your life, or to fall in love with someone... then, you can just look at me.”

Cupid seemed frozen in silence.

”I can look at you first,” Psyche continued. ”You can shoot me with one of your arrows.”

Cupid still didn't say anything.

”That's a million times better destiny... for both of us,” Psyche said.

Cupid finally found his voice: ”You would choose to fall in love with me?”

”Yes,” Psyche said, noticing that Cupid was already drawing his arrow. ”I choose to fall in love with you.”

Cupid shook his head and snorted, as he moved the arrow point to rest on Psyche's shoulder.

”Will you choose to fall in love with me?” asked Psyche.

Cupid nodded. ”I guess I already had, when I let you drag me out of the darkness.”

Then he scratched Psyche's shoulder with the arrow, as lightly as he could. She didn't flinch. She raised her hands to remove Cupid's blindfold. They looked at each other in the eye, for the first time.

Cupid stared. He didn't quite understand his mother at the moment. Why would she compare herself to Psyche? They were truly from different worlds. While Aphrodite was gorgeous and colourful, like a flower from a paradise, Psyche was ethereal, pale as a lily and fragile as a snowflake. It was obvious he had never seen anyone like her before.

But that was it. Nothing happened. Cupid didn't feel any different. His stomach didn't drop to his knees, the centre of gravity didn't shift.

From the silence, from the confusion in Psyche's eyes, he could tell she was probably thinking the same.

But neither of them knew, that Aphrodite had been watching them. She'd asked from her mirror about Psyche every morning, and noticed the princess with her son. She thought Cupid was waiting for a monster to appear to make Psyche to fall in love with, like she had ordered, and she was enraged to see what had just happened. With all her godly mightiness, she decided to transport Cupid home the very second.

– What a deus ex machina, I let out. Granny smiles and pokes me lightly with a finger.

– Hey, don't try to be smart when you're totally moved, she says. – Psyche was devastated. She didn't know Aphrodite was behind Cupid's disappearance, but assumed Cupid had left her. She scolded herself for wishful thinking. She remembered how Cupid had said humans were not worth falling in love with. She should've just accepted that. What had she been thinking?

But holding her son captive was not going to satisfy Aphrodite. She wanted to see Psyche suffer for her arrogance, for trying to claim a god as hers. So, she transported Psyche to her realm as well, where she would have to go through tasks, each harder than another, if she wished to see her parents and sisters alive again.

– Now we get there.

Granny smiles and raises her eyebrows.

– Psyche's trials? That's your favourite part?

– Yes.

– Oh my. Let's see what happens then. Psyche has to fight monsters, find missing artefacts, sort out seeds in an impossible time, find a near extinct flower, collect fur from a zombie sheep, steal a dragon egg, play dice with trolls, etc.

– But she doesn't have to do it alone?

– No, of course not. Remember when Psyche and her sisters danced with the nymphs and satyrs? That's when Psyche made many great friends in the realm of gods, and the mystical creatures loved the sisters so much they promised to be there any time they needed help. And… What Aphrodite didn't realize was that the secret of Psyche's beauty was in her genuineness, her innocence, her good, and strong will. She inspired trust in others, because she herself would rather trust than doubt. That was why she was perceived ”beautiful”, not only for her looks, but the demeanour that expressed her kind heart. So, when Psyche had to cross a stormy sea, she called for the dolphins Cupid had told her about, and introduced herself, and they carried her across the sea. When she had to steal a rose from a giants' garden, she befriended him and he helped her with pleasure. She was able to remove both figurative and literal sticks from a monster's ass. When she needed to make a bargain with a god who had stolen jewellery from Aphrodite, the nymphs cut their hair for her and she traded them. The satyrs gave her their magic fur to protect her from the flames of a dragon. Aphrodite thought it would've taken less to get rid of a weak human girl.

– I'm glad you keep this part similar. What was the final task?

– Psyche's own home castle. You see, the secret door was not only a path to the realm of the gods. It was also a door to the underworld. The door itself, enchanted as it was, was the one that had told Psyche and her sisters how to get to the realm of gods. So, Psyche went home and declared to her happy and worried parents that she had come to her senses and would marry the prince of the far away land. At night she went to the secret door and persuaded it to let her to the underworld. The door warned Psyche, she didn't know anything about the underworld. Only the most daring of the gods would ever go there, and there was a price to pay for everyone who went there. Psyche didn't care, she would pay any price, she was going to complete Aphrodite's last task: steal the box of Proserpina, which contained the secret of godly beauty.

While Psyche wandered in the underworld, Cupid managed to get free from where his mother had kept him a prisoner. But he had to wait until Aphrodite's attention was away from her mirror for a moment, to sneak in and find out where Psyche was. Cupid was enraged to see what his mother had done, but didn't have time for her, so he took off and flew to Psyche's castle as fast as he could.

Meanwhile, Psyche, a silent girl as she was, had successfully sneaked up on the queen of the underworld and stolen the box. Still, when she made it back to the secret door, she couldn't quite believe what had happened. All that was left, was to take it back to Aphrodite. But as soon as Psyche stepped out of the shadows of the secret pathway, into her room, as the daylight from the window touched her, she fell into a death-like sleep.

That was right at the moment Cupid had reached Psyche's window. He flew in and tried to shake Psyche awake, but in vain. He cursed his mother's name. In a moment of desperation, Cupid took Psyche in his arms and kissed her. That's when the curse was lifted, and she opened her eyes.

– I thought he woke her with ambrosia...

– Oh, but a kiss is a classic.

– You mean a cliché.

– It's romantic. You can't argue with that. Or... would you like the story to end here?

– No. A kiss is great, genius. What happened then?

She chuckles.

– Cupid grabbed Psyche by the shoulders.

”What were you thinking, you idiot? How could you be so stupid as to go to the underworld? I don't think _I_ could survive it!” he shouted. Psyche blinked her still sleepy eyes. She couldn't quite believe Cupid was really there. Had he really come for her?

”The goddess... would've harmed my family,” Psyche mumbled.

”If she wants to, she can do that, regardless! You can't really believe you beating her tasks really has any value to her!”

”I know...” Psyche said. ”But... there was nothing else I could do. And... maybe...”

”Maybe what?” Cupid pressed.

”Maybe I thought... if... I was able to complete the tasks... you could accept me.”

”You're saying you were trying to prove yourself to me? Why?” Cupid yelled in confusion.

”Because you left.” she said, unsure.

”No, idiot! I was taken away by my mother.”

”Then, because you didn't fall in love with me. Because you were right, I wasn't worthy of you. Because I'm just human.”

Cupid stared at her in silence. Then chuckled.

”Did you?” he asked. Psyche frowned.

”Did I what?” she asked.

”Fall in love with me when I scratched you?” Cupid said. Psyche thought about it in confusion.

”I figured... maybe I wasn't even worthy of that,” she muttered.

Cupid shook his head and gasped in frustration. ”Don't you get it? I couldn't fall in love with you. I was already in love with you. How could I fall for your looks, when I was already in love with your soul?”

Psyche could do nothing but stare.

”Didn't I say I already chose you when I let you drag me out?” Cupid said. ”Didn't you say you chose to love me?”

Psyche blinked.

”Can you really... choose something like that?”

”Apparently you can.” said Cupid. ”You made me believe that. Don't you dare say you don't believe it now.”

”But...” Psyche started. ”You can see fine on your own now. You can fly where I can never reach you. You don't need me anymore.”

”Yeah, so?” Cupid almost laughed. ”You don't need me either. You didn't need me in order to get here, through all my mother's crap, and you can go deeper to the underworld I ever could. Isn't that awesome? We don't have to be together. But I would still choose to be with you.”

Psyche was speechless.

”Will you choose me, again?” said Cupid, frowning, almost frustrated again, extending his hand. Psyche smiled. She put her hand on his.

”Yes,” she said. Cupid grinned wide, then grabbed her face, and kissed her again. She kissed him back. And they kissed, and kissed and kissed, and-

– Yes, I got it, Granny.

– And then they stepped through the door together and they refused to give the box to Aphrodite unless she would let them get married and they held a grand wedding where all Psyche's many sisters were invited and they could all dance until morning the end.

Granny takes a deep breath, relaxes her shoulders and smiles. I find myself doing the same.

– Thank you for that ridiculously idealized love story. It made my day, I say. Granny turns to me with her smile.

– Now, how much are you being sarcastic and how much serious?

– About 15 % sarcastic, 80 % serious.

She laughs.

– And what is that 5 % for?

– Wondering whether or not you were trying to teach me something.

– Hahaa. Well, if you find yourself thinking of Cupid and Psyche when you face a future crisis, then I have taught you something.

– But I can never tell if that's your intention.

– Oh, hon, neither can I sometimes.

She winks. And then frowns.

– I didn't just teach you to run away from home, did I? Or to elope with a god. Do not elope with a god, alright?

I laugh, and she does too, while trying to maintain her frown.

– Then, what do you think I may have intended as the moral of the story? she asks.

– Hmm... Maybe... that the kind of love that matters is the kind you choose?

She looks pleased.

– Why not. If that's what you take with you from it, I've done some fabulous grandparenting today.

We fall into silence for a while.

– Why do you have a soft spot for Psyche? she asks then. I look at the sky.

– I didn't say that.

She rolls her eyes.

– Oh, come on.

I have to think about how to put it, for a while.

– Well... She's an ordinary human girl without any magical powers. But even so, she has the more active part in the story. She goes through all those trials like any epic hero, while Cupid, the more traditional option for that role, is being held captive. Of course, that kind of narrative isn't uncommon anymore, but it's nice to find something like that from the ancient Greeks. In the original story, Cupid is little more than a seducer: a more traditional female role, which is interesting too.

– Yes, valid point, Granny says.

– And each time you tell it, you come up with a different attribute that helps Psyche through those trials. I think that shows how narrow the traditional concept of ”power” is. I know it's often unrealistic on purpose, like the last time you told it, when she was able to just talk her way through anything. It's too black and white to work in real life. But it's still inspiring.

– And here I thought I was just so good with romance!

She grins.

– I'm not saying I dislike that part. I... probably liked this version of their relationship the most so far.

– Really!

– You always say that Cupid's arrows are ”the perfect excuse for insta-love”. But you avoided it this time. That was nice.

– Figured they needed a new twist!

– It worked.

She hums to herself in satisfaction.

– And I liked what you did with Psyche's name. It means a spirit, or a soul, doesn't it? I suppose that was why you made her kind of... intangible. Why you blindfolded Cupid and made him fall in love with her soul.

– Haha, you got that. I'm glad.

We are silent for another while. Then she turns to me.

– So... Are you done dwelling on those two?

I look at her, and have just enough time to guess what she'll say next:

– How about I still tell you another tale about Valentinus...

There's nothing wrong with Valentinus, but I don't even remember the end of the story, because for some reason, I'm more than half way asleep when it ends.

 

In the morning it's raining heavily. So, it's not a good day for reading on the way to school, but I've just started a promising book so I can't resist peeking at it. At first, I thought it was the numbing kind, where the protagonist insists on having lost all interest in everything, without actually being depressed. But he was called out on it on page five, and the narration didn't make that other character seem stupid or naive for doing it, so now I really want to know what happens. It's growing in a hopeful direction, when I reach the school grounds.

And then she's hit by a car. I'm so dumbfounded I stop still, right in front of the doors of the school. My eyes scan the rest of the page rapidly. I only stop when someone shoves my back.

– Yo. I almost walked over you.

I look up.

– Oh. Good morning, Kagami-kun.

– When someone does, I hope the book is worth it.

– …

– What?

– The character who made it worth reading just died, I say, and close the book.

– Oh.

He blinks and tilts his head as we walk in.

– Eh... I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say about fictional people dying.

Then he frowns and looks a bit concerned.

– You're not one of those people who don't come out of their house for a week when their favourite TV show character dies or something, right?

The alarm in his voice makes me chuckle a bit.

– No. And I wasn't that deep into it yet anyway.

– Okay. Good, I guess?

He seems so out of his element it's kind of amusing, but I think it's better to change the subject.

– How was your Valentine's Day? I ask. He raises his eyebrows.

– That was this weekend? Oh, right. I didn't look at the calendar.

– You must have been inside the whole day to miss it.

– Yeah, pretty much. Not my thing, anyway.

I suppose that's not surprising.

– In that case... you probably have not prepared mentally for today.

– Huh? What's today?

We are just by the lockers.

– Hmm. You'll probably realize soon enough.

– Realize what?

We only have to take a few more steps before he stops to stare at his shoe locker intensely. I can see at least five neatly packed boxes there. I give him time to take the sight in. His eyebrows start to look glued together.

– ...the heck? he gets out. – Is this a joke?

– Hmm... I suppose that's not impossible. But on a more general note, it would be expected that the popularity of the basketball club would increase after the Winter Cup, wouldn't it? I'm pretty sure you're not the only one...  
He seems a bit flustered when he shoots me an angry look.

– Your locker is totally empty!

– It wouldn't extend to me, of course.

– ...lucky bastard..., he mutters, turns his head around, and attempts to cover the chocolates.

– What the heck do I do with these?

– Um, it would make sense to eat them. Traditionally, you would also be obligated to give a return gift on White Day.

– Like hell I will!

He looks a bit paranoid when he shoves the boxes into his bag.

– Kagami-kun, you really haven't noticed that lately, people look at many of our members differently?

– Hell no!

– We are at school. Please, stop swearing.

– When you stop that nonsense!

– I only said what I thought was happening.

– Argh! Whatever. Let's go.

Kagami-kun turns to go, but then stops and turns back to me.

– Hey... not a word about this to anyone, okay?

I look at him and my head seems to tilt on its own. I feel an urge to ask why he is so embarrassed about this, but I know it would make him unnecessarily angry, so luckily, I manage to hold my tongue.

– Sure, if that's what you want, I say. His brows finally relax a tiny bit, and he turns away.

– It's not even Valentine's Day anymore, I hear him mumble, mostly to himself, when we walk away from the lockers.

– Technically, maybe. But at school, this is the day.

He mumbles something inaudible, and when we reach the classroom, he opens the door with unnecessary force.

The math class isn't helping Kagami-kun's mood, obviously. The mystery x has a tendency to stay a mystery in every problem. I'm not good at it either, but he's whining to me all the time, so I try to help him. Soon he turns his chair to my desk completely and we try to solve the problems together. When not one x still matches after four problems, he sighs dramatically and looks like he's giving up.

– You suck at this, he says.

– Kagami-kun... You suck so much more.

– Whatever. You're supposed to be the smarter one.

– Don't put that kind of pressure on me.

He puts his arms on the desk and drops his head.

– Ugh. So boring... Tell me something entertaining.

He's starting to be annoying, so I decide to interpret that in any way that suits me. Something pops up in my head.

– Hmm, okay. You were in my dream.

He looks up fast.

– No, this can't be good, he mutters. – I still remember the last nonsensical one...

I have no intention of sparing him now.

– You had grown a pair of wings and you got so excited shooting baskets from the air that you flew too high and hit your head to the ceiling.

He drops his head again.

– You really do see me as an idiot, don't you? Where the heck did the wings come from?

– Probably from a story my grandmother told me. They sometimes get weirdly mixed with reality.

– Your dreams are totally weird.

– Aren't yours?

– Mm, I guess I don't usually remember them.

His limp form on the desk is begging me to tease him.

– Maybe you don't see any dreams at all.

– Huh, why?

– Well, dreams are a sign of brain activity.

He hits me with his notebook. Yes, I was asking for it.

– Enough, alright? he says, and drops the notebook lazily on the desk.

– Look, maybe we should try another problem, I say. He glances at me, frowning, then sighs, and says:

– Whatever, I guess.

It seems to be his word of the day.

 

After school, it's a hassle in the club room, before practice. Almost everyone really has gotten more chocolates than they expected, whether that means one, or ten. Koganei-senpai insists on making a popularity chart, even though he's not on top of it, but Kagami-kun still refuses to tell how many chocolates he got, so it's not really working. To everyone's surprise, Hyuuga-senpai says loudly that Koganei-senpai's idea is completely childish. He looks defeated, but recovers quickly enough to start asking me, for the second time, how it's possible I didn't get any chocolates today.

– Koganei-senpai, you don't have to be worried, I really don't mind, I say, but of course I should know that saying that isn't the way to stop him from pressing this.

– How can you not mind! he says with a blank, but kind of excited look.

– It's just not that important.

Then he slaps his forehead.

– Right! It's because you already have Momoi-san!

– That's not exactly the case...

But he isn't listening to me anymore. Part of me thinks, again, that it's actually better that way, let him and everyone think just that, it's so much less complicated.

But then, again, this is the kind of day that makes you think about things like these more carefully. Or if it doesn't, I think you have to be rather thick headed. So, of course it gets to me a little bit. It makes me wonder... What are the chances, that Koganei-senpai, and everyone else, would just accept it, and let it go, if instead of ”It's not that important”, I would say: ”I'm not interested”.

And then, again, why would I bother saying that? It isn't that important, or interesting, and the conversation it would most likely evoke is probably not one I actually want to have.

Even Kagami-kun said ”really weird” and wondered ”why anyone would say something like that”, back then.

That's not something I like to think about. Luckily, soon enough I don't have time for it, because, in the gym, both Hyuuga-senpai and Coach want our attention. They're quarrelling about which one has to tell us something.

For a moment I'm puzzled. One would at first assume that it would have something to do with basketball, but when I look at their faces, it doesn't fit. This is just personal. But I can't seem to grasp it just from their expressions...

And just when it hits me, Hyuuga-senpai gives up, and says:

– Fine. We decided we would get this right out of the way, so we don't have to discuss it later or have any of you claim we should have told you. So...

Now I'm sure I know what he's saying. He looks as tense as ever. He clears his throat. Multiple times.

– Just say it, Coach whispers and pokes him. She is flustered.

– Fine! We just want to inform you that we are dating. And not one of you is allowed to give us any crap about it. That is all.

The gym falls utterly silent. If everyone wasn’t quite focused a moment ago, now every single pair of eyes is fixed on the two of them. That's when they both turn so impressively red I'm having trouble keeping the corner of my mouth from twitching. No one still says anything. They just stare. Hyuuga-senpai is starting to look like he's about to explode.

I'm sure no one wants to give them ”any crap about it”. But since he said it like that, everyone is having a hard time deciding how to react.

So, I start clapping my hands. That breaks the stalemate. Most profiles I see, relax a bit, and then, everyone starts to clap, one by one. Coach and Hyuuga-senpai don't look any less flustered, but there's relief in their eyes. Then Izuki-senpai yells:

– Finally!

He goes to pat Hyuuga-senpai on the back, and is followed by others.

– Congrats!

– Congrats, Captain!

For a moment, Hyuuga-senpai is grinning widely, and Coach looks pleased beside him, too. Then she starts to frown. For a while, I think I can see a vein pulsing in her forehead, before she loses her temper.

– Hey! Why is nobody congratulating me?!

Smiling faces turn to her.

– Because we appreciate his choice more than yours, says Izuki-senpai.

– Yeah, what is there to congratulate you about? Koganei-senpai says.

For a moment she blinks at their double-praise-double-insult.

– Hey! Hyuuga-senpai snaps, and tries to slap Koganei-senpai on the head, but he dodges.

– Argh! That's not a compliment! Coach exclaims. – You're not only insulting Hyuuga-kun, you're questioning my taste too!

 

I've just had the time to move beside her. I poke her shoulder, and she turns.

– Congratulations, Coach, I say. Her rage seems to disappear, and melt into a faint blush.

– Oh, Kuroko-kun! I should have known I could trust you!

She looks moved, and actually throws her arms around my neck. Then the others come to pat her back as well.

– Hey, you didn't take that seriously did you?

– Of course we congratulate you too!

– We were only joking!

She releases me, and hugs everyone else in turn.

– You better be! Idiots!

She might be tearing up now.

Then I hear Kagami-kun muttering something behind me.

– What did you say? I ask, turning to him. He glances at me, and scratches his head.

– Well... I'm just confused. I though she and Kiyoshi-senpai would-

I elbow him to the side.

– Hey!

– That's ancient history, Kagami-kun. Keep up.

– What? How am I supposed to know? Why is it so damn obvious to you?

– I pay attention.

He just frowns.

– The least you can do is to not remind them about something in the past today, I whisper.

– Agh, like I said, I didn't know!

– Can you turn your voice down?

– You're insufferable today!

– That would be you.

He shakes his head and turns away. That's when I hear Tsuchida-senpai say:

– Wait, you said you wanted to get this right out of the way? Could that possibly mean you got together on Valentine's Day?

That earns Coach and Hyuuga-senpai another long stare from everyone.

– Th-that's none of your business! Hyuuga-senpai says, too strongly. So, it's revealed. Everyone stares, and grins.

– Laaame! yells Koganei-senpai.

– Eeenough! Coach bursts. – Another word and you'll all be doing nothing but push-ups for the next hour and a half!

I don't have anything against Valentine's Day. Even so, I'm glad the ”second one” this year is over soon. I'm glad it makes people happy, I'm glad it inspires the courage in some of them to confess and be happy together, like Hyuuga-senpai and Coach. I'm glad it brightens up people's everyday life. I've never had any apathy towards a day for romance. I'm caught up enough in other people's feelings and it's only rare occasions when I realize the lack of personal interest. It only gets to me, when someone manages to pull me down from my observer's point of view, and requires me to have an opinion about my own relation to these things.

Both today, and yesterday, were kind of like that. So, I can't help but be a little glad that it's almost over. I'm sure Koganei-senpai won't remember the chocolates tomorrow, and the next time I'll see Momoi-san, I'm sure the atmosphere will be more relaxed.

The practice lightened Kagami-kun's mood of course, so he's not annoying anymore, when we walk to the shoe lockers.

But then, there's more chocolate in his locker.

He stops, and stares. Then he sighs heavily, and leans his arms on the lockers and covers his head in them.

– Remind me..., he says. – to be sick the whole week this time next year, okay?

– Maybe we'll screw up in the Winter Cup next year, so our popularity will drop, and you won't have to.

He throws his arms in the air and exhales loudly.

– What is it with you today? Are you trying to make me miserable?!

No, that was just a seemingly lame attempt at giving him perspective.

– No, Kagami-kun. We'll win of course. And I'll remind you to be sick. I'll even eat your chocolates for you.

– Geez, he mutters. He takes his bag again, and shoves the chocolates in.

– Kagami-kun?

– Hmm?

– Why don't you like Valentine's Day?

I'm prepared for the question to make him more angry, but he just looks at me and sighs.

– It's just... pointless, I guess. No, it's annoying. The whole thing pisses me off. Guys having popularity contests and girls trying to woo guys they don't even know. I don't need this kind of attention. I don't get what's so interesting about this.

– Oh.

I suppose I didn't think of it that way, even though, I think I understand, now that he said it. It's weird, because I can kind of relate... to something I haven't ever felt the need to think about in that way.

– At least it was different in America. No such limiting rules about who's supposed to give what to who.

– Right. It's true you didn't really grow up with these traditions...

To my surprise, he kind of glares at me.

– I'd like to think I wouldn't be a fan of this even if I had.

– Hmm... why?

He squints his eyes.

– Don't you think this is messed up?

– Um. Not really. Traditions can be nice. I think it's good that people have a day to use as an excuse to convey their feelings to someone. Maybe it's the only day when some shy person can muster up the courage to do that.

Now he frowns deeply. I think I've missed something.

– Yeah, right! Or maybe it's exactly the kind of thing that discourages some people even more! It's all about girls giving guys chocolates. What about those people who can't relate to that? Where do they fit? Are traditions like these really worth it?

For a second, I'm so surprised I can only stare. I... didn't realize we could be talking at this level at all. I didn't think he thought at this level.

When it sinks in, I'm kind of ashamed about it. He has every reason not to look pleased with me now. He shakes his head, and says:

– You're supposed to be all about inclusivity. Don't tell me it doesn't even extend here?

I blink.

– No, that's not it. I... Somehow, I just didn't expect you to be so... aware.

He snorts.

– You think so highly of me sometimes!

– No... Kagami-kun. I'm sorry. It seems I really wasn't thinking. Everything you said... is absolutely right.

Now he blinks.

– You _do_ think so?

– Yes... I mean. I don't think Valentine's Day is the big bad here. But it should be able to include more than one way of interpreting the tradition.

He sighs through his nose.

– Yeah, okay, I suppose that would work too. Easier said than done, though.

– It's not like no one is doing it. Guys giving chocolates to girls is a thing. And girls to girls and guys to guys.

– Yeah, but they wouldn't get crap about it if such stupid rules didn't exist in the first place.

– But it's people who can change it.

– Yeah, alright, he mutters, and rubs his nose with his finger tips, between his eyes. – I didn't mean to turn this so serious. It got a little out of hand. I was just pissed off today, so... Well, these are real reasons to hate Valentine's Day, for anyone, regardless of... anything!

– Yes, I understand.

– It wasn't even personal, not like that, he mutters. – I don't have anyone to give chocolate to.

– Yes, I suspected that.

– And it's not actually my thing to blow up about this equality stuff.

– No, it's not. Why do you think I was surprised? But... I'm happy you did.

He raises his eyebrow.

– Uh, cool?

– I didn't mean it, but the way I talked about traditions was inconsiderate. And the thing is, I never would have expected to be called out on it. So... Thank you. I... think I needed that reminder, especially today.

His frown seems to gain a bit of embarrassment to it. Maybe I was smiling weirdly when I said that.

The thing is, the whole time, I've been having this conversation on a purely general level. It's only now, that the full extend of the reminder he's given me, hits me. He has no idea how many things he just said to me, but it doesn't matter. He still got me.

I'm one of the people who can't personally relate to Valentine's Day traditions. But I always forget that. It didn't cross my mind once during his speech. I've been so tuned into the general atmosphere, I've completely ignored that fact, once again.

But that isn't the point. What he just made me realize is, that focusing on the people who get something out of today, getting something out of this myself through them, and ignoring my own, inherent feelings about it... makes me ignore so many other people who are like me.

– Please, what nonsense are you spouting, again, he says.

– Hmm, Kagami-kun, you missed something, I say, eyeing his shoe locker. He turns, and sees it as well. He pulls the pink card out.

– You have got to be kidding me. This is the last thing...

But his voice trails off. I peek at the card. He glances at me, sighs deeply, and says:

– There's just a time and a place and the sender's class.

– ”An admirer”, it says? Kagami-kun, it looks like someone wants to confess to you.

That makes him wince.

– I think I'm going to be sick the whole month next year, he says quietly.

– So... You're not going to meet them?

– Huh! No way!

And he scrunches the card in his hands. He walks away from the lockers and tosses it to the nearest trash bin. The corridors are almost empty, as I follow him towards the front doors, and outside.

– Why not? I ask. He glares.

– 'Cause I'm not interested, that's why!

– Do you... think you know the person?

He seems to be walking faster.

– No way, I don't know anyone from that class!

– Then... How do you know you're not interested?

I know I shouldn't be asking this. I wouldn't want to be pressed about it. But... as weird as it sounds, that's kind of why I can't seem to stop myself.

He snorts.

– Of course I know I'm not interested. There's no way I could be interested in someone I don't know.

– Oh...

– What? Did I already tell you how annoying you are today?

– Sorry. It's just... an interesting way to think.

– Huh? Isn't that just normal? he says, just as we come to the school gates. – Anyway, I'm off. Haven't been so eager to leave school for a while.

– Sure, see you tomorrow, I say, as he turns his back and waves.

No, it's not the typical way of thinking. That much is evident everywhere around us, wherever we turn.

That's when the thought escalates in my head. That it's not just a way of thinking.

It's a way of _being_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have some music I used for inspiration I'd like to share. I always have songs I listen to, when I'm thinking about the next chapter. Sometimes it's because the lyrics are spot on, sometimes it's because the general message of the song is good, (even if the details don't match), and sometimes it doesn't make any sense, the general feel of the song just fits in my head for some really subjective reason that is a mystery to even myself. (Generally, I do like songs with fitting lyrics, though, so there's going to be the most of that.)
> 
> My inspiration music for this chapter was:
> 
> Waving Through A Window - Owl City  
> Monsoon - Rachel Rose Mitchell  
> My Name Is Love - Amy Diamond
> 
> (I'll add a list to the previous chapter too.)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Riko knows no mercy.

# Fourth: I said you can't start slacking off

# Kagami

The day isn't getting any better. Because I'm in my head way more than I like. Things I can't figure out piss me off, they feel way too much like school work. The only difference is you can't just put them away like a math book, when you've had it. I get stuck and I can't even figure out why, which pisses me off more, and the circle is complete.

Shooting baskets usually helps, but apparently not today. They just go in way too easily. Why do they, when my head is just stuck? Why won't outside and inside just match? And it's so dumb to think it would be somehow easier to accept that even basketball would suck today, just because everything else sucks. It doesn't even make any sense to want the world to work in so simple ways. And I don't. That would be idiotic. It's just that sometimes my head seems to want to fit everything together even though I know full well it doesn't fit.

What a stupid loop to spend the evening in. It's totally Kuroko's fault for asking so many stupid questions. Who is he to pry on all that stuff? He's so damn secretive about himself. I just didn't think about that when he was grilling me!

Stupid. So stupid losing it like I did. He probably thinks I'm gay now. And, no, it's not like I give a damn about what he thinks, it's just stupid I didn't throw his questions right back at him.

And, no, it's not like I _care _what his deal is. It's just that he's all ”no one should fall for me” and doesn't want chocolate from anyone, and then he thinks it's weird when I don't, and goes asking me all these questions without the slightest intention of answering them himself!__

__I just hate that kind of double standards, that's all! And the fact that I let him get away with it pisses me off the most. I talked so much when I had no reason to, and he still gets to be all secretive. Damn it._ _

__It's not like I need to know. Like, what would I do with that information? Nothing! It's just about the secretiveness being so annoying. Why couldn't he have just answered in a way I could understand, back then? Of course I'm going to try to figure out what he meant when he says it so weirdly, even when I don't want to!_ _

__He's my friend, right?_ _

__Right. Isn't it just normal to be weirded out when your friend insists on being all mysterious and doesn't even intend to make any sense, just to avoid answering questions that you're only asking out of concern?_ _

__I'm not getting anywhere. Better go home and see if there's something on TV that will make me even stupider._ _

__I spend the night procrastinating online instead. Yes, I should do my homework at some point too, but it's not even late yet. Or I could even just scribble something in the morning, who cares if it's all nonsense? (Coach would hang me of course.)_ _

__Suddenly, the night gets better: There's a video call from Tatsuya. I click the green button before I have time to think: Yeah, screw homework._ _

__– Hey! I'm glad I caught you online, that's rare! he says. I roll my eyes._ _

__– You are never online._ _

__– Well, I'm busy._ _

__– Who says I'm not?_ _

__We keep in touch now. A thought enters my head that I probably owe at least a bit of that to Kuroko, but I shove it away because I'm still mad at him._ _

__Tatsuya chuckles. He seems to be in a good mood. Maybe it's because it looks like he's alone in the dorm room. I still keep thinking he's lying when he says it doesn't bother him at all to live with that glutton._ _

__– Anyway, how was your Valentine's Day? he asks._ _

__I lean my forehead to my fist._ _

__– Not you too...! What the heck is the big deal with that stupid day?_ _

__He just laughs._ _

__– Okaaay... To be honest I was just trying to steer the conversation so that I could brag about all the chocolate I got._ _

__– Even you would do that..., I mutter._ _

__– No, I don't, that would be tasteless. So, the only person I could brag to, is you, but... Did something happen today?_ _

__He raises one brow. I shrug._ _

__– Nah, not really. I just don't get all the fuss._ _

__He just laughs at me more._ _

__– I have a hunch you take it too seriously, he says. – It's just one weird tradition. Use it to your advantage._ _

__I frown at him._ _

__– Oh yeah? How's that going for you, then?_ _

__– Are you kidding? Have you forgotten who I'm living with? Now I have enough homemade chocolate to keep the guy on a leash for at least a month._ _

__– Right. You just have to keep it all behind locked doors. And swallow the key._ _

__He laughs._ _

__– Yeah, I'll do that._ _

__Then he seems to study me._ _

__– You seem tense._ _

__– Hmm._ _

__I wasn't going to ask anyone's opinion, of course. I was going to stop thinking about the whole thing. But now that Tatsuya is there... Well, it can't hurt, can it? Maybe he can make me stop thinking about it._ _

__– Come on, what are you thinking so hard about?_ _

__He tilts his head and smiles._ _

__– Is it that obvious? I ask._ _

__– Sure it is._ _

__I sigh._ _

__– Okay. Say, what do you think it means if someone says no one should fall in love with them?_ _

__He blinks._ _

__– Well, I suppose that could mean many things._ _

__– Nothing makes sense to me._ _

__– Hmm, then what have you got?_ _

__– Uh, nothing, actually..._ _

__He laughs._ _

__– Well. First things that come to mind... It could be bad experiences. Or self-esteem issues. Or just not being ready for a relationship? Who knows. You aren't giving me any context. I guess you're not going to say who we're talking about?_ _

__– Uh, well, just a friend._ _

__– Okay..._ _

__– Right, he also said he would feel bad for them, if that happened._ _

__– Hmm, then I suppose it would be self-esteem issues._ _

__– Really?_ _

__Something about that makes me frown._ _

__– It would seem... as if he thinks he'd disappoint people._ _

__– Hmm. I'm not sure that's it..._ _

__– But you're worried, he says. – If your instinct says there's something to worry about, then it might be close._ _

__– Mm. Nah. I'm not really worried. There probably isn't anything to worry about. I just don't like it when people talk in riddles._ _

__– Okay. So... Did you ask him about it?_ _

__– He said he didn't want to talk about it._ _

__– Well... I can't really tell you what to do then. I've told my guesses. If it's important, just try to make him talk, I suppose._ _

__– Nah. It's not really important. I was just wondering 'cause it sounded weird._ _

__– Hmm. Okay. Well, don't take my word for it, he's your friend, after all._ _

__– Mm, right._ _

__For a moment he looks at me with this concentrated look, like he might say something more about it, but then his face relaxes._ _

__– So, anything new?_ _

__I'm glad he doesn't get back to it. Did I mention it's stupid to be so stuck with something like this? It's not like it even crossed my mind for like a month, it's just this stupid day's fault. I'm sure I can put it behind me, like I should have already. It's not even my business anyway._ _

__

__The week gets better completely out of the blue._ _

__We're having a practice game with Too._ _

__It also makes me angry. They just barge in to our gym._ _

__– Why the heck did nobody tell us in advance?!_ _

__– It seems Coach arranged it that way with Momoi-san, says Kuroko. Apparently he was behind me._ _

__She hears us._ _

__– You can't prepare for everything. You need to train for that too, she says with a smirk. – They didn't know about it before today either._ _

__– Huh! That means they've had time to prepare all the way here!_ _

__– What are you whining for? she says, frowning. – Get over it. I didn't want you to prepare, so you have no choice but to accept it._ _

__She turns her back and goes to greet their coach._ _

__Momoi runs across the gym and throws herself at Kuroko, again. They stumble to the floor._ _

__And the conceited blueberry head follows right after her. He and his annoying face stop in front of me._ _

__– Bakagami._ _

__I'm going to kill the person who told him about that._ _

__– Ahomine._ _

__He still smirks but his eyes narrow a bit._ _

__– Let's see how much of these months you've been wasting on celebrating your luck at the Winter Cup._ _

__– Yeah, let's see how much time you've been wasting on crying about yours._ _

__He smirks more, and then, it's almost like his face relaxes a bit._ _

__– I had a head start, he says._ _

__I blink. The fact that he would rather joke than be provoked, kind of makes it seem like he actually acknowledges our victory._ _

__– M-momoi-san, I'm having trouble breathing..._ _

__Right, Momoi is still hanging on Kuroko's neck. Aomine turns to look too, and rolls his eyes._ _

__– Come on, Satsuki, that's embarrassing._ _

__Before Momoi reluctantly releases Kuroko, something odd occurs to me. I feel like I’ve been watching this scene a million times, but something in the back of my head makes me pay more attention this time. And suddenly it looks completely different._ _

__It's not like I gave any thought to it before, but I guess I assumed that Kuroko was just damn oblivious. Which is dumb, because he's never oblivious. He always has an idea about what's going on with people. But that's what I must have assumed anyway, when he never seemed to react to Momoi's behaviour at all._ _

__But now, it hits me. He's not damn oblivious. He's damn passive-aggressive._ _

__After what he said about her back at the party, it's so obvious now, that her behaviour bothers him. Because, it's like... When she comes to him crying about Aomine or something he doesn't have any trouble comforting her, but when she throws herself at him like this, he doesn't do anything._ _

__Why doesn't he just clearly tell her no? Is he really that concerned about hurting her feelings? What a stupid reason. It really pisses me off when people are spineless like that._ _

__Before I have time, Aomine reaches to pull Kuroko up from the floor. That's when I remember that this idiot factors into this too, somehow._ _

__I just stop to look at those three for a second. I feel exhausted right away. I guess I really just don't get people. If I was Kuroko, I would have punched Momoi by now. And those other two... ugh, I won't even try to guess what their issues are. Why do people make things so complicated?_ _

__And why am I here, wondering about their stupid love triangle or something? Ugh, give me a break. Why the heck is everything around me about someone's love life these days?_ _

__

__– She was merciless afterwards. We only lost by two points._ _

__– She also said you and I were perfectly in sync._ _

__I glance at Kuroko with a frown._ _

__– Yeah, and she said it didn't help._ _

__– Yes..._ _

__– She's totally just trying to prove she can be more ruthless than ever._ _

__– Maybe._ _

__Kuroko made me come along to walk Nigou. I only agreed so we could stop somewhere and practice more. Coach is kind of right actually, I feel like nothing went wrong in that game and we still didn't win. It's really frustrating, and makes me feel I need to figure out how we could've done more._ _

__– So, what did that guy say to you? I ask. He looks at me._ _

__– Aomine-kun?_ _

__– Yeah._ _

__He smiles._ _

__– He said that since going to half of the practices seems to be enough to win, maybe he'll go to all of them now so he can double our score._ _

__– That bastard..._ _

__– Then he said: ”The only one who can beat me is me... if I practice.”_ _

__– Huh._ _

__– Momoi-san seemed really pleased._ _

__– He's still as conceited as ever._ _

__– Hmm, maybe, he says, and smiles softly. – But it seems like there was room for some self-irony in the things he said._ _

__I can't disagree, since I kind of thought so earlier too. Must be why Kuroko seems so... relaxed, even though we lost._ _

__We stop at a familiar park with a hoop._ _

__– Hey, don't let that thing loose, I say, when Kuroko crouches beside Nigou. He looks up._ _

__– Kagami-kun, don't tell me you're still afraid of him?_ _

__– Hah! I'm afraid _for _him. I might step on him if he's running around.___ _

____Kuroko turns to pet the dog._ _ _ _

____– Did you hear that, Nigou? Kagami-kun is worried about you._ _ _ _

____– Yeah, right! I just don't want you tormenting me about it if I kick him._ _ _ _

____– Don't take that to heart, Nigou, Kagami-kun is just too shy to admit how much he likes you._ _ _ _

____– Would you quit that? I want to play._ _ _ _

____– Nigou wants to play too. I can throw the ball and you can take turns fetching it._ _ _ _

____I can't help but sigh, and rub my forehead._ _ _ _

____– Can't you be serious?_ _ _ _

____He's still ruffling the dog's fur._ _ _ _

____– Sorry, Nigou. It seems Kagami-kun needs to be given attention right now._ _ _ _

____– Haa haa. Is the joke over?_ _ _ _

____Then he releases the thing._ _ _ _

____– Hey, I said don't let him run around!_ _ _ _

____– Kagami-kun, you don't need to worry. Nigou is smart enough._ _ _ _

____How am I supposed to trust that a dog is smart enough? Animals are unpredictable no matter how ”smart” they are. They might get hit by a car as soon as an interesting butterfly flies into their view. It's weird for Kuroko to be so trusting of that dog... but I suppose I just have to believe he understands the thing._ _ _ _

____– Fine, I'll take your word for it, I guess._ _ _ _

____It's true though, that he has spent the most time with that dog. When you spend enough time with someone, be it human or animal, you'll just know them, I guess. Not even on some rational level that you can explain. It doesn't always make much sense, but you'll get a feel for them. I guess you could call it intuition, or instinct. Some people might call that kind of thing bullshit, but I just know those feelings are to be trusted. Okay, they're often vague, but they do point you in the right direction._ _ _ _

____Maybe that's why Tatsuya said: ”He's your friend”._ _ _ _

____I think I know Kuroko. Maybe not the way he knows people, maybe not the way he knows me, too. But you know, that's just how he is. I don't spend time actively thinking about what other people are like, the way he does. But I sure as heck have spend enough time with him this past year to know him enough._ _ _ _

____What I mean is, yeah, he really is so private and secretive I might not know a lot of very specific things about him, even if I did pay more conscious attention to people. But that doesn't mean I don't know anything, and it doesn't mean the things I know don't count. I know him in my way. I know how he feels like to me, even if I can't put that into very useful words._ _ _ _

____Whenever we play, now too, I feel it the strongest, that I know him. That I'm connected to him. And heck, we've been doing this all year._ _ _ _

____I just don't think I wouldn't notice it if there was something seriously wrong with him. That's the feeling I get. That I don't need to be worried about him. I may have been puzzled about the things he said after that party, but I'm not worried. There's no need._ _ _ _

____I think I know him enough to know this._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____Aaand, we're in for another surprise, the next afternoon._ _ _ _

____Coach barges into the gym with a big box full of some kind of long ribbons, and on her face the grin that can only mean something scary for us._ _ _ _

____She starts making this speech I'm having trouble following at first._ _ _ _

____– After yesterday's game it's been haunting me... the feeling that we need some new perspective. I couldn't sleep last night, trying to figure out where to look for it. Okay, at some point I must have lingered somewhere between dream and reality, because I clearly remember thinking we should get everyone a brain scan so I could see the potential of that organ..._ _ _ _

____Her voice trails off, and I hear some uncomfortable mumbling around me. Trying to guess what she's getting at would be a waste of time and energy._ _ _ _

____– Then I finally fell asleep in the morning, and in that short time, guess what I saw in my dream? Conjoined twins!_ _ _ _

____She hits her fist to her palm excitedly._ _ _ _

____Everyone stares in silence. She smirks in that self-assured way that makes everyone just more uncomfortable._ _ _ _

____– At first I thought it was just a random, weird dream... but then it hit me it had to mean something. So, in short, I'm tying all of you together for a day!_ _ _ _

____– Whaaat?_ _ _ _

____– Why??_ _ _ _

____– All of us?!_ _ _ _

____She snorts._ _ _ _

____– In pairs of course! It's a cooperation exercise!_ _ _ _

____Mumbles of objection fill the gym._ _ _ _

____My brain just refuses to take in what I'm hearing yet._ _ _ _

____She takes a ribbon from the box and flexes it in her hands._ _ _ _

____– Now, everyone, listen! she yells with that commanding voice, so everyone seems to figure it's better to just fall silent._ _ _ _

____– At the Winter Cup, we won because of our teamwork. That's our strongest point, and it shall remain so. That being said, it's obvious that next year we have to be even stronger at it. We have to be able to take it to yet another new level._ _ _ _

____She pauses, and leans her chin to her fingers._ _ _ _

____– So, consider this muscle building. Just like you need to do a certain amount of other physical exercise to get stronger at basketball, you also need to know your teammates on a deeper level, outside of basketball, for your team to get stronger. This is what today's exercise is for. Get to know someone in different contexts. Get to know the other things._ _ _ _

____Of course, no one can argue with her. Argh. Even I know she has a good reason for every stupid stunt she makes us pull... but I want to object to this one. Or, I want to want to. But..._ _ _ _

____– This is groundwork for next year in every way, she says. – I'll make you do this again with the new first years, of course, when the time is right._ _ _ _

____I guess I don't argue, because I already know I'm defeated, and can't do anything except suck it up and do this. What a bother._ _ _ _

____– So, when you go home today, you'll be tied to someone until next morning, when we'll meet in front of the school. That's when I'll release you. Don't whine about how hard it'll be. Don't make excuses. There are none. As my dream kindly reminded me, some people _live _like that. Let that be a reminder to you as well, about what true teamwork is. This exercise is supposed to be hard, and if you don't know that, you're morons. Don't ask me how you'll get through the day. I don't care. Figure it out. That's what this is all about.___ _ _ _

______Who can fight her, with a speech like that?_ _ _ _ _ _

______– It is in the nature of this task, too, that I won't be able to watch over you. I won't know anything about it if you cheat. You have the freedom to do that. Once you're out of here, only you two are responsible for what you do._ _ _ _ _ _

______She pauses and looks around, before she nails it down:_ _ _ _ _ _

______– However, just remember that whether or not you stick through this, is directly proportional to how serious you are about basketball._ _ _ _ _ _

______Yeah, who can argue with her?_ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _ _ _

______– Of course she would put us together, I let out with a sigh, when I'm walking away from school, with Kuroko. Coach tied us together by the waist. The maximum distance is probably not much more than one meter._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Didn't you realize that the moment you saw the ribbons..., Kuroko says quietly. I ignore it._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Well, I guess I could be tied to Koganei instead, so I suppose there's no need to complain. With you, there's always a slight chance I'll forget you're even there._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Please, don't forget me around traffic._ _ _ _ _ _

______I feel a sudden need to stop. Kuroko turns to look._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Are you okay?_ _ _ _ _ _

______– Ugh. I just need to... gather myself before we get out of the school grounds. Damn it, do you see this thing? We'll look like absolute buffoons._ _ _ _ _ _

______I'm not even exaggerating. The ribbon is bright red. We're like fucking Christmas presents._ _ _ _ _ _

______– We just need to remind ourselves that it's all for the team when we have a weak moment, Kuroko says._ _ _ _ _ _

______– I know! Let me just be against this for a couple of seconds!_ _ _ _ _ _

______– Okay._ _ _ _ _ _

______I take a deep breath. And another._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Okay, so. We'll go to my place, I say._ _ _ _ _ _

______– You can't just decide that._ _ _ _ _ _

______– I'm not going to yours. Your folks are home, right?_ _ _ _ _ _

______– Yes..._ _ _ _ _ _

______– I'm not doing this stupid exercise in front of people._ _ _ _ _ _

______– You'll have to, if you want to get anywhere from school._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Yeah, and that's enough._ _ _ _ _ _

______– I want to go home too..._ _ _ _ _ _

______– You know, I _can _just drag you along.___ _ _ _ _ _

________I start walking. He's too weak to put up any significant resistance._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Kagami-kun, you can't really drag me all the way._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– We'll see about that._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– You're being unfair._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I sigh, and stop._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Why do you want to go home, anyway?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– ..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Talk._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Granny was going to make her special for dinner. I wanted to eat that._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Huh. For that kind of reason. I'm sure they'll save you some._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– It won't be the same tomorrow._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– What is it, if it's so special?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– You'll find out if we go there._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Hah!_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________We stare at each other in silence for a few seconds._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– If you come to my place, we can have shakes again, I say. He frowns._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– That's low, Kagami-kun._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Is it working?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– No._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Come on..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– ..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– What?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Fine. I'll go to your place, if Nigou can go too._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I'm about to shout: ”No way!”. Just about to. But I don't, for some reason. Maybe because I'm close enough to getting my way. Can't I handle the dog for one night?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Fine._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Good._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Yeah, whatever._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Besides, we have homework from history for tomorrow. My notes and books are at home, so we have to go that way in any case._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Yeah, I'm not even sure if I got my way anymore._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________When we finally reach my place, I'm exhausted._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Please, just take your shoes off fast, I need to sit._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– You don't need to whine, Kagami-kun, I'm tired too._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Yeah, well, hurry up then._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– I need to let Nigou out of the leash._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________When he picks the dog up, I start dragging him toward the sofa._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Kagami-kun..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– What?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– You don't need to be so forceful just because you can._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________That remark almost makes me stop, but instead I manage to just slow down my pace. It's not like I was trying to make him uncomfortable. I wasn't taking my irritation out on him, or anything, but it's true I also wasn't considering him at all._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Sorry, I mumble, without turning._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________And then I kind of hate that he said it like that, because now I'm forced to consider his perspective. I'm forced to think about what it would be like if I could be dragged around against my will. And I'm forced to feel guilty about it. Damn it, as if it's my responsibility just because he's weaker._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I was going to just fall on the sofa, but now I can't, because I'd be dragging him down with me, which doesn't even make any sense to make a big deal about, but now I can't do it anymore. Agh. What a bother, taking someone's pace into account every second._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Well, I guess we can just try to be happy we're not conjoined twins, I say, when we sit on both ends of the sofa. Kuroko is holding Nigou, and not looking at me, but I hear a ”hmm” from him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– What?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Nothing... I was just thinking that I'm sure there are amazing things those people get to experience because of how they are. Things that wouldn't even come to our minds because we take our life style for granted._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I frown at him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– You do realize that's not going to make me feel better about this exercise in any way._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Yes. After all, it's always possible that what I said didn't have anything to do with Kagami-kun at all._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Well it should._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________That actually makes him raise an eyebrow._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Everything I say today should have something to do with Kagami-kun? Everything has to be about you?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Wow, he's actually starting to get irritated. Well, he probably has been irritated too, since the beginning of this stupid thing. He's not all zen, not throughout. I know that. He's just better at hiding everything. But now I can see it. I can't help being a little amused by that, but, for some reason, it's apparently also just what I need to realize that I can spend the rest of the day making both of us miserable... but what would I do that for?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Yes, I say. – That's the whole point of this exercise._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He blinks._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– It is?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Yeah. The point was to focus on each other. For you that would be me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He sighs through his nose._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– So, here's a deal, I say. – I stop thinking about myself, and start thinking about you, and you stop thinking about some hypothetical conjoined twins, and start thinking about me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Now he can't help a tiny smile._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– That sounds fair, he says. Then he rubs the dog's head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– But, I have to think about Nigou, as well, he adds. I snort a bit._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Yeah, we'll both think about Nigou, too._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Did you hear that? he mutters to the dog with a smile. – I told you that Kagami-kun likes you._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I think Nigou woofs happily. What do I know, though._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Would it shut you up if we made food and watched something? I say._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– I am starving._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Yeah, me too. Let's just wok something, it'll be fast._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________We walk to the kitchen, and the dog follows of course._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– You'll have to tell me how to help, Kuroko says._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– I trust that you know how to peel and slice carrots._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– How thick is a slice?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Is that a real question?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– All I know is, that's not a real answer._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I sigh._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– So, you really don't know how to cook._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He frowns._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Kagami-kun. I'm an only child of a three-adult household. Of course I don't know how to cook._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Huh. I suppose. How are you going to survive when you move out?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– I'll learn then?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I chuckle._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Ever thought about learning in advance?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– You can teach me now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I try. The questions someone who doesn't know anything can come up with, are truly amazing sometimes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Other than that, the whole thing, this stupid exercise doesn't seem to be that hard to get through right now. It doesn't feel so new that he's here, after all, even if it's forced. It's not like we've never done anything other than play basketball together. Maybe not too much, but anyway. I can imagine we won't be the most stressed out pair in the morning._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________That being said... I really hope this stupid ribbon is long enough to reach from the hallway, all the way between the closed bathroom door, to the toilet seat._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The history homework actually isn't so bad with Kuroko. He seems to know how to look for answers for even the most roundabout questions. I guess the ”point” of the question is just clear to him from the start. I always give up, because I tend to get that point only after I've been circling around it for long enough to have answered with a dozen unrelated things, and then I'm just too exhausted. And I'm not always sure, even then. But looking at his answers, he seems to make complete sense out of these tricky questions._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Why don't you have higher marks in history? I ask with a frown. – It's not like you don't understand this shit._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– I'm not so good with all the dates._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Right. I hate that stuff too. But I can't say I like the other stuff either._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He smiles._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– I suppose the ”other stuff” is a lot like any fictional story, even if it's not fictional. I think that's why it's easy to follow. It's like any other book._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Right... so not something you can just teach me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Hmm..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– ”Hmm” what?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– So, you think you are bad at history, because you don't like reading?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– I guess. It's you who said it's like a story._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– But, Kagami-kun, you still like stories, don't you? You watch movies._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Uh, yeah._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– So, it's a question of form. Our study materials are not your preferred way of getting into a story._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Huh. I guess I never thought of it that way..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Have you tried watching documentaries about what we are studying?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Uh. No. Seems like so much work, finding them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Hmm._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He goes silent, and then suddenly continues:_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________\- Yes, it takes extra work to find an alternative way of doing something. In a way, it may be easier to keep doing it the way you are ”supposed to”. Then you get to prove yourself right over and over again, that you're just bad and won't get better. But... if you really gave a chance to a change of perspective, tried doing it another way... Yes, it might be a lot of work at first, but it might also pay off in the end._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I sigh._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Geez, I don't need a prep talk. Easy for you to say, what do you even kno-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Oops. It's not like that, nothing could be farther from the truth._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Uh, I guess you do know what you're talking about, I say._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He smiles._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– You are thinking about basketball now?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Um, yeah..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He shakes his head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– No, you're kind of right, actually. It's not the same, being desperate to get better at something you already care about, and trying to get interested in a subject you don't care for._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– I guess._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– If it was, I would have figured out how to do math, by now, he says._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Yeah, okay, but what you said... It does make sense, okay. Watching a documentary instead of reading a book might be worth it, I might remember it better. If I have to study anyway, it might make sense to try a possibly less boring way..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– If a documentary is intimidating, you don't even have to start there, he says with a hint of a smile. – It's the Second World War we're studying. You could start by watching movies about it. I think the facts are usually right in those, even if the story has been dramatized a lot._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Uh-uh. I'll think about it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– …_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– …_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Actually, maybe we could find one online now? I say._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The endless barking makes it clear who doesn't like the movie._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– How can you watch TV with that thing?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– He's just not used to the gun noises. Nigou, it's okay, they aren't real._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________As if it helps to tell him that._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– So, no one ever watches war movies at your house?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Granny does, but only on her laptop, with headphones._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Huh. So, your grandmother seems pretty modern._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Yes, she's a genuine eccentric._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________We get to a slower part of the movie, and the dog shuts up too._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– So, you don't like war movies then? I say. I get a glance._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Hmm, I guess I just like quieter movies better as well, Kuroko says, and pets Nigou._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– You know, we can do something else if this is too boring._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He shakes his head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– It's not like I can't watch them. This is you studying, isn't it? I won't disturb you._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Hm, he probably will, again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– He'll learn._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I shrug._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– If you say so._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It turns out the movie is one of those overly dramatized ones, and it covers such a short period of time there doesn't seem to be that many facts to gain from it. So, school-wise it's not what we were looking for, but... the more I watch it, I can't help being drawn into the story. We're following a couple, separated by the war, the man putting everything into staying alive and getting home safely, and the woman working at worst possible pits, trying to make a living. What I find interesting, is how in the middle of all that, they both manage to find unexpected ways to improve the other one's situation. So far away. Pretty much blindfolded._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________One thing makes me sigh out of frustration._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Hey, if these two are this amazing at making a difference, how come their letters can never reach the other?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Kuroko seems to glance at me with some amusement._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– It's just a narrative element to make the audience frustrated. To make us feel like the world is unfair to the protagonists._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I blink._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Okay, that was cold._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He blinks in turn._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– No, that's just how this story was written to make a certain impact, he says._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– So, you're saying if I wasn't dumb enough to be tricked by the movie I wouldn't think that? That sure as heck seems cold to me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He frowns, with a ghost of a smile._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– No, Kagami-kun, I didn't say that at all._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I roll my eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Sure sounds to me like you're trying to disillusion me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He chuckles a bit._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Kagami-kun, are you disillusioned?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– What?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– If you were feeling frustrated for the characters, did what I said make that feeling go away?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I just stare at him for a while. Then I switch my eyes to the screen, even though I know without looking. No, it didn't go away. Everything is unchanged._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I glance at Kuroko just for a second, to see that he's smiling._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– See, that's how stories are, he says quietly. – It doesn't matter whether you know ”the trick”, or not. You won't be disillusioned. You can know all the mechanics behind it, and still be amazed. Isn't that great?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Uh..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– And that's because... stories are not mere illusions. They represent something real. That's why they can't lose their meaning._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I have no idea what to say. I guess this is one of the times I get a glimpse of how differently his mind works from mine. But... I guess this is him revealing something about himself to me. So I should probably listen. After all, it's hard to get him to talk this much._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Maybe that's why the love of stories is so universal to humans, he says. He's just smiling that soft half smile, and stroking Nigou's fur. Somehow, for a little while more, he seems completely unself-conscious._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It occurs to me that he was able to get comfortable enough for that to happen, even though I'm here._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I still can't come up with anything to say, so it's no wonder he looks at me, and his eyes turn more alert._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– But... I'm still sorry, if I said something weird._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Nah..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I shake my head. My mind resists, but... He's just making me feel so much like I need to confess something in return. So, before I can even really wrap my mind around the words, I say:_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– I suppose I was just a little alarmed when I thought I was the only one feeling anything about the movie._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________His eyes might widen just a bit. No wonder, I'm surprised I said that too. But it's there, so whatever. Then he smiles, and not even in a way that would make me embarrassed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– No... That's not how it was, he says._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He doesn't say anything more and I definitely can't come up with anything to say anymore, so we just watch the movie in silence. Seems like Nigou won't bark anymore. He looks like he's sleeping._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Sometimes the movie gets a little slow paced for me. For some reason I notice that's when it seems like Kuroko is looking at the screen the most closely. Go figure, I guess. I'm just getting sleepy at these parts. My eyes start to wander..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________For some reason, they often stop at the dog. He's breathing soundly on Kuroko's lap, eyes closed. I guess that thing never looks so peaceful awake. Kuroko is still stroking the dog's fur, on the head, behind the ears, on the back. Sometimes he pokes at the dog's nose lightly. And sometimes it looks like he's drawing circles on the fur with his fingertips._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I don't get it, but I suppose there's something soothing about it, because my eyes start feeling heavy._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I turn my attention back to the movie. There isn't so much left, it should be soon, that the guy finally gets to go home..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It's not five minutes before I sit up like a stick, staring at the screen._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– What is this? Hey, don't tell me..., I mutter. Kuroko looks at me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– I'm afraid it's..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– No! He's going on a fucking suicide mission!_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– He's doing it for his wife..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Like that's the way to love her? What the heck! This whole thing was about getting back home to her!_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Kagami-kun, she's doing it too._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– What?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– A suicide mission. She'll do it too. For him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– How can you know?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– It's obvious she will..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– This movie is messed up._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– I think it's about showing how in sync they are, despite the distance, without knowing anything about each other._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– That doesn't make any sense! If they love each other so much, they should be doing everything to be together again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– They seem to be thinking they're going to give each other a better chance in life by doing this. Isn't that love too?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– No way! That's just being stupid. They're both idiots._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I grab the remote and turn the thing off._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– We're not watching these idiots kill themselves._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Okay, that's fine..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– I'm too tired anyway. Let's go to bed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________My eyes turn to the dog. Kuroko clutches the thing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Nigou will come too._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Argh..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I'm regretting not asking Dad for a wider bed when I could have. How the heck am I going to fall asleep with him and the dog so close to me?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I realize I've pretty much flattened myself to the wall._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Hmm, Kagami-kun? Are you really still afraid of Nigou?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Kuroko is laying on his back on the other edge of the bed, and the dog is settling on his chest._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Hmph! There hasn't exactly been a dog in my bed before! Excuse me, if I'm a little alarmed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– ..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– What?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Suddenly he's looking at me seriously._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Kagami-kun. I'm sorry that I've been teasing you with Nigou. But do you realize I wouldn't do that if there was any real reason for you to be scared of him?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Uh..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Relax._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– I-I can't! I let out with a sigh._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Why?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Because that dog is always looking at me weirdly! Like he's plotting something! And jumping at me!_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Kagami-kun..., he chuckles._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Look, he's doing it now! Look at those eyes!_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I stare at the dog. Kuroko looks at me calmly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Don't you realize he's only doing that because he wants you to hold him?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I blink._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Yeah, right..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– It's true. He's wondering why you won't do it. He doesn't think he's that scary._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I sigh deeply, but somehow manage to settle on my back. I see the dog moving, and I flinch. Damn it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Kagami-kun, you're safe. Nigou is safe, Kuroko says, quietly. Softly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Argh. You don't have to talk to me like I'm five._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– He won't bite you._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The truth is, it's soothing. His voice. Like the way he was with that dog earlier._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Why are you pressing this? I mutter, but I suspect I'm only saying it so that he would keep talking._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Because you could have told me not to let him sleep here, if you'd really wanted to, he says._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I know that it's true. I would have. It's not like I need to prove anything to him. Not really._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– So, I thought, he says. – Maybe you should let him get to know you better._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________When he sits up, the dog in his arms, I can't even say I'm truly alarmed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Nigou is half asleep. He won't jump at you._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He looks at me, and I know what he'll do next. I have all the time to stop him. But I don't. I let him put the curled up dog on my stomach._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Then the dog opens his eyes, and looks at me. For a passing second, my throat feels tight. But the dog's eyes are peaceful. He just looks at me. And Kuroko is there, stroking his head. Maybe that's how he knows to behave._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Maybe his eyes are not creepy. Maybe he isn't plotting anything. Maybe it's all on me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I reach out and touch the dog's ear. Then I stroke the fur on the back of his neck. He closes his eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Nigou is peaceful. And warm._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Kuroko lays down next to me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– See? He likes you, Kagami-kun, he says._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Okay, I mutter. I keep petting Nigou, and I can feel Kuroko's eyes on me. I glance at him, and say:_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Maybe I can like one dog._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He smiles. Then he closes his eyes. I do too, and let my hand fall to my side. I guess the dog can stay. I'm tired enough to fall asleep. Then I hear Kuroko's voice again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Kagami-kun?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Mm?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– So, you don't like sad endings?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– ..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I hear him turn to his other side. There's a silence._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Me neither, he says, and yawns._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Then we sleep._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________A couple of days later some of our team is still complaining about the ribbon exercise._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Huh. I kind of managed to mostly forget about the whole thing already. But I guess it left some people a bone to pick with each other. Some of them are just dreading what Coach will come up with next. Okay, I admit that's a legitimate fear._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Now that I think about it, I wasn't even tired the next day. I slept soundly even with Nigou there. I guess he really is okay. For a dog. I didn't freak out when I woke up and that thing was right between me and Kuroko._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________So, okay, I have to admit that something good may have come out of that idiotic exercise... But that doesn't mean I'm not worried about other things Coach will put us through. It doesn't mean I'm not suspicious, when one day, I see her in the corridor, and she's carrying another big box._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Oh, Kagami-kun! So lucky running into you, she chirps. And she thrusts the box to me without more of a warning._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Hey, what am I, a workhorse? This is actually heavy..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She stretches herself and sighs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Yeah, my back was cramping so much. But you can always use the exercise._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– That's your favourite excuse, isn't it?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She frowns and flicks my head with her fingernail._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Now, shut up, and just help me take it downstairs! You don't get to whine, you're still our ace, you can't start slacking off just because we won!_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I'm not in the mood to listen to more scolding, so I follow her. At least there can't be more ribbons in a box this heavy..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Then I stop. Something clicks in my head completely out of the blue. I can almost hear the clicking sound._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She turns to look._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– What now?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– ...what did you say to me just now? I ask._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She looks at me like I'm a total dimwit._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________– Huh? I said you can't start slacking off! Are you sleepwalking? Come on..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She shakes her head. I follow her again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It doesn't even make any sense. I wasn't thinking about the whole thing anymore. I haven't been thinking about it ever since..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Ace._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I can't think of one reason why I picked that word up now, completely out of context. The fact that words have multiple meanings is in no way a reason enough._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________So, I have no explanation. But I just know. I just know now. It just makes complete sense, and I know, somehow, that it can't be anything else. Now everything does fit together._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________So, that's what his deal is._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Oh, well. It really isn't anything to be concerned about. Or any of my business._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My inspiration music for this chapter was:
> 
> State of Grace - Taylor Swift  
> Two Birds - Regina Spektor


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just Kagami and Kuroko being idiots.

# Fifth: Just hold on

# Kuroko

That afternoon Kagami-kun gives me an unusually long look without an explanation.

He's slightly late for a physics class, he's walking towards his seat, and that's when his eyes stop at me, but not like he's about to say anything. On the contrary, it makes me think he's decidedly not saying something. The only idea that look gives me is that he has confirmed something by looking at me.

Other than that, I'm lost. He could be thinking anything. Somehow... that look is so casual he might as well have confirmed something really mundane. Like, that my eyes are blue, or that I'm wearing our school uniform. But that's just what is weird about it, what makes me notice it. Because that kind of thing doesn't need confirmation. That look doesn't seem to fit anything that could need confirmation. Or, at least, I can't seem to come up with anything like that.

He sees I'm staring back, of course, but he's late, so he would assume that's why I'm looking.

– I got cornered by Coach, he says when he sits in front of me.

I don't answer. If I do, then it's like I'm giving him a reason not to say what he was thinking just now. Even though... I know he doesn't intend to tell me, and I know that I'm not going to ask.

The moment is over anyway, when the teacher starts talking about an assignment. I'm a bit disappointed, but I have to let it go. It's not something I feel I could ask later. And I'm pretty sure he would tell me I was imagining it, anyway.

The assignment is for concluding what we've been studying about astronomy for the past weeks. We'll have to do observation on constellations, and one planet, in pairs.

– You'll do it with me? Kagami-kun says, turning his head to me.

– Sure... But are you sure it's okay? Neither of us is good at physics.

To be honest, I'm somehow... kind of surprised he would want to do it with me. He was just stuck with me, literally tied to me, for more than 15 hours, only a couple of days ago.

– Nah... I doubt this one is so difficult, he says.

– Okay, if you think so.

I guess it really doesn't bother him them. Either of those things.

He rolls his eyes.

– It's just watching, and taking notes, isn't it? No math. It's gonna be fine.

– I suppose you're right.

He turns his head back, so it's decided.

I guess I was prepared for him being angry afterwards, anyway. I feel like I pushed him quite a bit, with Nigou and everything. I didn't plan to... It just somehow went that way. But apparently, he isn't angry.

It still makes me smile that he let Nigou sleep in the bed the whole night.

That afternoon, in the clubroom, the others are still talking about that day.

– Is it true that Hyuuga-senpai and Tsuchida both had a date that night?

– Huh? But that would mean with Coach, for Hyuuga...

– It's true.

– Yikes. So you cancelled?

– Was anyone mad?

– Coach couldn't be mad. The whole ribbon thing was on her, she couldn't be that cruel, could she?

– We still went.

– What?

– You split for it? Then I'm sure Coach was mad!

– No.

– We both went on both dates.

– Whaat?

– Seriously?

– Yes. We thought about cancelling at first, but...

– Then we thought about conjoined twins.

– Huh?

– We googled stuff, and many of them still date, even if they can't be separated.

– And they date different people.

– So we thought, if they can make a whole relationship work like that, everything that a relationship includes...

– We sure as heck can make it work for one night.

– Woah. That must have been weird.

– Well... It turned out more like three people just hanging out, than a date, so... not so weird in the end.

– Oh, but Fukuda was going to some family party, right? How did that go?

– Well, Koganei-senpai wasn't there to translate Mitobe, so...

I hear Kagami-kun snort quietly to himself behind me.

– So much drama, he mumbles.

The more I hear, I have to agree that our night was surprisingly quiet. We were lucky neither of us really needed to go anywhere.

I suppose the whole thing had its funny parts. At least my family had fun with it, when we stopped by. Dad laughed so much he was having trouble standing, and Granny wanted to take a picture. It was Mom who told them to behave and said it was good we showed so much dedication in our hobbies.

Still, after all that, Kagami-kun seemed so stressed out I was sure the day would only get much worse than it was. I was pretty tired too, when we got to his place. People stared at us so much on the way. I'm not used to being stared at that much. It felt heavy, and I think I felt the impact for the rest of the day.

But then, I was surprised how fast Kagami-kun calmed down. It's a little weird to admit, but maybe I was being too pessimistic about his mood.

I guess I have to think it was other people's attention, reactions and staring, that stressed him out. Not so much me.

 

The next week I get surprised by something that must have never happened to me before.

I'm in the corridor, when someone I don't know literally pulls my sleeve. It's a girl with very long brown hair, and round glasses. The kind that often makes people look over the top geeky, like either they're trying to hide their face, or like they just aren't very self-aware. But on this girl, the glasses actually look tasteful, in an old-fashioned way. And somehow, I'm sure she knows this.

For some reason, this detail catches my attention. Maybe it's because despite the confidence that the glasses hint on, there's a blatantly shy and soft looking face behind them. Her unusually round, dark eyes point at the floor. Her chin points slightly to her chest, and one could actually believe that was her head's natural position.

– Excuse me, you're a friend of Kagami-kun's? At least, you're always with him, so..., she says. The sharpness of her voice seems curious in contrast to the softness of her face.

– Yes. Are you looking for him?

She averts my eyes by glancing at the near by classroom door, as if trying to make me believe there is something there to look at, and then drops her gaze back to the floor.

I wonder if it's weird that all I've seen of her so far, gives me a somewhat positive impression of her?

– No, see, I'm here for a friend, she says, and now her eyes stop to the classroom door, like she's looking for a focus point to help her think. – Well, she gave him a note on Valentine's Day, and, well, I'm supposed to ask you if he got it. I'm sorry if I'm bothering you.

– No, you are not...

– Good, because you seem to be ridiculously hard to catch, she says, and now there's almost a smile in her voice, and she looks me straight in the eye for a passing second.

– Sorry about that..., I start.

– No, I'm sorry I'm babbling, she says, looking at the floor again. – I'm just not sure how to say this without making my friend seem like some creepy stalker.

That makes me smile a little.

– I don't think Kagami-kun thought the note was creepy. That's not why he didn't go see her.

Now she looks up.

– Oh good, so you know about the note. That helps, because I'm supposed to ask you why, too, which is kind of embarrassing... So, wait, he only got one note like that on Valentine's Day, then? Ah, sorry, I really suck at being discreet.

– No, it's okay, you don't have to be embarrassed. But it's not really my place to answer on his behalf...

She nods.

– Right. Of course it's not. I don't know what I was thinking. Sorry I bothered you.

– No, you don't have anything to apologize for. Maybe just... remind your friend that the reason Kagami-kun didn't go see her, couldn't have anything to do with her. After all, he doesn't know who the note was from...

She's still looking at the floor, but her brows rise briefly.

– You think I haven't? she mumbles.

– That's good, then.

She nods.

– Thanks, though, she says, then turns around fast, and...

Yes, that's just when Kagami-kun comes to the corridor, from behind the nearby corner.

I can see from the girl's ear that she blushes heavily, and storms past him so fast that Kagami-kun looks almost startled. He blinks and frowns after the girl. Then he shrugs, and takes a few more steps before he notices me.

– Oh. Hey, you happen to have a guess on what that was about? he says and nods toward the corner. – I think I just scared some random girl...

– Hmm... I'm sure it's not the first time. Even Coach seemed rather... uncomfortable the first time she saw you.

He frowns.

– People are weird.

– And you can be intimidating.

He opens his mouth like some kind of defense is forming there, but then he stops, and frowns deeper.

– Wait, you where there back then? Where exact... Actually, never mind I guess.

He turns towards our classroom and I follow him. He looks over his shoulder.

– Oh right, we should probably start thinking about that physics assignment.

– That's true.

– How about my place tomorrow night?

– Okay.

For a moment longer I'm considering telling him about the girl, but... then I decide that's also not my place. And, I'm pretty sure it would do nothing but bother him.

When the sun starts setting the next day, we are doing our homework on Kagami-kun's balcony, and waiting for the stars to come out.

– Damn it, it's still too cold for doing something like this, he says, even though he's wearing a coat and half gloves, and we are sitting on pillows.

I feel the urge to tease him a little, but then I decide it's not worth it right now.

– Then, why don't we make hot chocolate or something?

He glances at me.

– Actually, that's not a bad idea.

When we come back with the steaming mugs, he says:

– Do you think our planet just ran across the sky while we weren't looking?

– That's not how it works...

– I know, he says, rolling his eyes.

– So... that was supposed to be a joke?

– I'm just suspicious about everything in this subject.

– It's true though, that Venus should come out soon.

– You checked the time?

– Yes. So, you didn't look it up?

– Nah. Figured we'd just notice when a planet pops up on the horizon.

– I guess... But I looked anyway, and Venus is the brightest planet this time of the year. It should come out before the stars.

– Okay. Scanning for Venus then.

We finish our homework, and there's still no Venus.

– Is that a star already? Kagami-kun says and points.

– No, it's moving. Maybe a satellite or something.

– Right.

It seems that he's getting frustrated now that we're just waiting. He moves once in a while, like he's having trouble focusing on anything.

– Do you need a stress ball, Kagami-kun?

He frowns at me.

– Shut up, it should come out any minute, right?

– Yes.

He looks around, and then stops. He stands up and goes to the other side of the balcony.

– Now, that's definitely a star!

I go look. There's a bright light above the horizon.

– You're right, it must be.

– So, did we really miss the planet?

– Maybe we just have to wait a while longer. It's only the first star, right?

He shrugs.

– Okay.

He sighs when we sit back on the floor.

– How long do we have to wait? he mutters.

– I don't know about the planet, but we have to wait for the dark to see the constellations, anyway.

– Agh. Right.

His gaze lingers on the textbooks on the floor.

– Why don't you read aloud from whatever book you're carrying?

I blink.

– You want to listen?

– It's not like I have anything better to do, do I?

I reach for my bag, and take the book out. He squints when he looks at the cover.

– ”Schindler's List”?

– I guess I was kind of inspired by the movie we watched.

It doesn't look like he sees any link between the two.

– Kagami-kun, you really don't know this book?

– Why would I know a book? he says frowning.

– Because everyone does. It's probably the most well known World War book ever.

– Oh.

He squints more.

– So, what's it about?

– A German business man who saves hundreds of Jews.

– Oh. So it's a death camp book.

– More or less...

– Okay, never mind then. It's just going to make the night more depressing.

I put the book away.

After a moment's silence, he asks:

– Why would you read something so depressing anyway?

– How do you know it's depressing without reading it?

He sighs with frustration.

– It's a death camp book! What could be more depressing than that? It's about, like, the lowest of the lowest humans can go! Why would anyone want to remind themselves about just how cruel and horrible things humans can do to each other again? Like, do you not have enough depressing things in life?

It's like he's pointing his words to the sky instead of me. I'm struggling to suppress a smile.

– Because... it's something that really happened. I think... avoiding it increases fear. And fear increases hate. Aren't those the things behind why the death camps happened, in the first place?

He rolls his eyes.

– I hope it was a bit more complicated than that!

– I know. It's just... Isn't that true in general? Unwillingness to deal with things that scare us leads to hate, and hate leads to horrible things.

– Sure, I guess, he says, shrugging.

– So... In any case, it's better to try to understand why something horrible happened, than avoid it?

– So what, you would read a death camp book to, what, empathize with the killers? That's totally crazy.

– I haven't even read a death camp book before, though.

He squints.

– No?

– No.

– Then what the heck are you spouting?

– I was just thinking why people would read them.

He shakes his head.

– So... Was that even your own opinion then? he says, scratching his forehead.

I'm not expecting that kind of question, so I'm not sure how to answer right away.

– What do you mean?

– Like, is that how you really feel or was all of that just about ”trying to understand”?

I blink. The question still seems weird.

– Well... I don't think it's bad if that's the reason someone reads that kind of books.

He sighs again.

– Why does it matter? I ask.

– Because if I'm arguing with you, I want to at least know it's _you _I'm arguing with and not some hypothetical feelings of some hypothetical people in your head!__

__I stare at him, because I'm letting it sink in._ _

__– Oh._ _

__That's all that comes out of me. He looks at me like I'm draining him of mental energy._ _

__– Never thought of that? he mutters._ _

__That was sharp of him. I'm still comprehending just how sharp it was. And it's not even the first time. I don't think he's ever said it in a way that hit the nail as blatantly as now, but... It's happened before. Many times before. He has a way of doing that... pointing it out when my thinking gets so broad and complicated that... I'm actually just avoiding the question._ _

__He's so straightforward. I know people like to tease him about being simple minded, and I do that too, but moments like these... Well, I think a simple way of thinking is just another type of intelligence._ _

__– Soo...? he says._ _

__– Hmm?_ _

__– Get back to what I asked first. Do you actually want to read death camp books or not?_ _

__– That's not what you asked._ _

__– Yes?_ _

__– No, you were wondering why anyone would read them..._ _

__– It was before that!_ _

__– Then it doesn't apply anymore..._ _

__He slaps my arm with a textbook._ _

__– Whatever, you should have known I just meant you!_ _

__– How come...?_ _

__Now I think he's being more of a moron, again..._ _

__– Why would I care about people who aren't here? he says, and shakes his head again. – So, do you?_ _

__I suppose I find it funny he's pressing me to answer that so much. So, I let the question linger in the air for a bit._ _

__– No, I say then. – Not in general._ _

__He nods like he's almost relieved. Curious._ _

__– I do think that understanding different perspectives is important, and it's not like I avoid heavy topics, but... I don't want to dwell on them. I want to enjoy what I read.  
I look at him._ _

__– Is that a good enough answer?_ _

__He nods. Then his eyes shift to my bag._ _

__– Why read that book then?_ _

__– Because... it's more hopeful than depressing, I think. It's not about murdering people. It's about saving people when their death is... as horrible as it sounds, more of a status quo than something to dwell on._ _

__– It still sounds depressing._ _

__– I know, but... I think, because of that, it's good to be reminded, that there's hope. That even in a time like that, some people were saved. Miracles happened.  
He shrugs._ _

__– I guess._ _

__– Most death camp books are probably about that... death. But I think this one is about life. And... It's true, what you said about the worst things humans are capable of. But when something brings out the worst in someone, I think it almost always brings out the best in someone, as well._ _

__He sighs._ _

__– You better not start talking about some self-sacrificial crap like in that movie..._ _

__I shake my head._ _

__– No, I wasn't thinking about that. I think, in the movie it was something the characters couldn't avoid. But in this book... There's a person of privilege. He's more or less safe. He doesn't need to fight to survive. He just decides to use his privilege for the sake of other people. He doesn't need to do that. But he does. I though that was interesting. That's mostly why I picked it up._ _

__– Okay. Fair enough._ _

__Kagami-kun looks around._ _

__– Um. Okay, it's dark enough but it doesn't seem like we'll be able to see all the constellations from here, he says._ _

__– Yes, that's true._ _

__We try anyway._ _

__– Is that one them...? This one? he says, and points._ _

__– Where?_ _

__– There?_ _

__– I can't even figure out where you're pointing._ _

__– Look, just above those buildings._ _

__– How high above?_ _

__– Uh, pretty high..._ _

__– Mm. I think I see it, but it's missing a star._ _

__– Maybe it's covered by a cloud?_ _

__– Are you being serious?_ _

__– I have no idea!_ _

__After what feels like an hour, we've found maybe two._ _

__– I had no idea it could be this hard, Kagami-kun says._ _

__– Me neither, I guess..._ _

__– Look, are we even looking at this chart the right way?_ _

__– To be honest, I'm not entirely sure._ _

__Then he slams his hands on his face._ _

__– And why didn't we think of going to the rooftop?_ _

__– Uh... That's a good question._ _

__– We're both morons, aren't we?_ _

__– Probably._ _

__I have to head home before it's too late, so we decide to continue at the rooftop another day when I can just stay over._ _

__– This is going to be more work than I thought, Kagami-kun mutters when I'm leaving._ _

__– Maybe we just didn't prepare enough. It's probably not that difficult if we do it right, I say. I'm not sure what else I could say._ _

__– Yeah, okay, let's try. But not tomorrow. I've had it for a few days._ _

__

__After a lot of ”I won't waste the weekend for something like this!” Kagami-kun agrees to get back to the assignment next Saturday night, but ”only if we play basketball first”. He says it as if those conditions would be somehow hard for me to agree to, which is funny. I decide it's better not to bring Nigou over this time. Even if Kagami-kun's tolerance for him has increased, I can't be sure how it would affect his mood when he's out of his comfort zone already. And, to be honest, I would like to just get this assignment out of the way rather sooner than later. There are exams coming up, and if it comes to priorities, I'm sure astronomy homework doesn't even make the list for either of us._ _

__So, on Saturday we are sitting on a blanket on the rooftop of Kagami-kun's house and doing our homework again. This time we are better prepared, we have the real-time star chart on a laptop and I brought binoculars._ _

__– So, how do these work? Kagami-kun asks, glancing through the binoculars a couple of times, frowning._ _

__– You turn it around the lenses... There should be a switch for zooming and focusing._ _

__– Which one is which?_ _

__– I don't know without looking. I just borrowed it from Mom._ _

__– She watches stars?_ _

__– No, birds._ _

__– Okay, I think I figured it out._ _

__But there isn't anything to watch yet. At least now we have a better view of the sky, even if some higher buildings block out some of the horizon._ _

__The binoculars don't do any new tricks, so Kagami-kun is already bored, of course._ _

__– Remind me how this helps our education again?_ _

__– To be honest, I don't have any idea. I suppose it's just common knowledge._ _

__– Yeah, like, as useful as parabolas._ _

__– Might be. But you know, someone in our class might actually get interested and make a career in this field, so I suppose it has its place._ _

__– By that logic they should also teach us circus and pearl diving._ _

__– Okay, I think we can agree that not everything in our curriculum will be useful in the future. Which things would you take out of it first, then?_ _

__I just say that to give him something to think, and rant about._ _

__– Well, this, obviously!_ _

__He extends his arms around._ _

__– Okay, what else?_ _

__– Lit._ _

__– Are you serious?_ _

__– Don't worry, I wouldn't have anything against you nerds getting extra credit for doing it or something._ _

__– Okay... I suppose we would face some big changes during the reign of Kagami Taiga, the minister of education._ _

__He throws a pencil at me._ _

__– You bet! The whole system is fucked up. All these dumb sciences have their own individual place in our time table, it goes as far as dividing physics and chemistry. Why would you do that? When there's only one subject, physical education, that's supposed to cover all the sports!_ _

__He's actually smiling, when he continues:_ _

__– So, heck yeah, during ”my reign” the situation would be reversed! Basketball and surfing would be obligatory subjects, and there would be only one science class. Called ”science”. Hah. If someone wanted more than three math, or physics classes a year, there would a club for that._ _

__He kind of snarls to himself, as if to conclude, but then he adds:  
– Oh, and those failing even one sports class would not be permitted to participate in the science clubs, of course!_ _

__I can't help it, I start laughing quietly behind my biology textbook._ _

__– See, I'm a genius! Kagami-kun says, and lays down on his back._ _

__– You're an idiot, I chuckle._ _

__– At least I'm entertaining you._ _

__– Kagami-kun... You would... You would actually be able to bring the human race to its destruction in one generation._ _

__Now I'm shaking._ _

__– Kagami-kun, you're killing my stomach._ _

__He grins._ _

__– Yeah, that's the beginning of my evil plan, you'll be the first one to die. From laughter._ _

__I lay down on my stomach and take a deep breath._ _

__– I totally win this debate, he says._ _

__– Was there one?_ _

__– Of course, we disagreed about literature._ _

__– Okay. How exactly did you win then?_ _

__– During my reign you would win any school debate by making the opponent laugh._ _

__– Why laugh?_ _

__– Because it's either that, or cry, and I'm not a bully._ _

__I shake my head._ _

__– I can't seem to follow your logic tonight._ _

__He's in a good mood now. It makes me smile. I catch myself thinking, that this is nice. All of this, here, just talking and lying under the orange and pink of the evening sky. It's relaxing. And him being in a good mood, without it having anything to do with a chance to beat someone, is just... nice._ _

__– Uh, where's north again? he asks. He's playing with the binoculars again._ _

__– That way._ _

__I point._ _

__– You sure?_ _

__– I would say, about 70%._ _

__– Haah._ _

__He's looking around with the binoculars. Then he puts them down._ _

__– Hey, there's that bright star. Heck, did we miss that damn planet, again?_ _

__He's right, it's there again, clear as day._ _

__– We couldn't have._ _

__He looks at the star with the binoculars again. He adjusts the lenses._ _

__– Hey! Look, it's round! Maybe that is a planet. Here, look through these._ _

__He hands the binoculars to me. I look. It takes me a while to find the star, but when I do... it's obvious what's wrong._ _

__– Kagami-kun, it's not round. This is just out of focus. You just messed up the zoom._ _

__I hand the binoculars back after adjusting them right. He takes them with a frown. His face drops when he looks._ _

__– Oh. A star then, I guess._ _

__– Yes, definitely._ _

__So we wait. We wait, and we wait, and it isn't helping. We watch the sky lit up with stars. As it gets darker, I realize he must be right. We really have missed it, again._ _

__Neither of us has said anything for a while. I start looking at the star chart on the laptop again. Kagami-kun just sits there, shoulders hunched, not really looking anywhere, I think. He's growing a deep frown._ _

__It's silent for a long time. So silent, that it's starting to feel heavy. Kagami-kun feels heavy to me, sitting there, sulking. I keep looking at the star chart in the hopes that something I haven't noticed before will pop up and solve everything. Something I just haven't realized before._ _

__Then something does come to my mind. But it's not what I'm hoping for._ _

__– Kagami-kun... I don't think this is working, I say. What else can I do?_ _

__He snorts._ _

__– Yeah, I figured that out myself._ _

__– I mean... the rooftop. It must be that the planet appears so close to the horizon we can't see it from here. There are just too many high buildings._ _

__He looks at me for a while. Then he sighs, and gets up._ _

__– Unbelievable, he says. – Let's just go._ _

__He pulls at the blanket, so I close the laptop and get off of it, and start gathering my books. He grabs his, and starts walking, dragging the blanket behind him. I decide it won't do any good to argue with him at this point._ _

__When we get inside, he just throws the blanket to the floor, along with his textbooks. I follow him to the living room, where he just stops and stands. I sense a storm coming... but I still say:_ _

__– What about the constellations? We could still..._ _

__– Look, I really don't care right now, he mutters, his back to me._ _

__I get that he hates this assignment, and that it tires him, but I think he's being unreasonable._ _

__– I was hoping we would get this done tonight, I say. That's when he turns around and..._ _

__– Yeah, well, maybe you could've figured out sooner that we were wasting time! he yells. I blink._ _

__– Couldn't you have figured that out as well?_ _

__– It wasn't me reading those damn charts!_ _

__I frown, and say:_ _

__– Well... You could have._ _

__– Why would I, when you seemed to have it under control!_ _

__– I... I didn't do it because I thought I had it under control. I just thought you didn't want to do it._ _

__– Why didn't you say something then!_ _

__His arms rise out of frustration. I don't know what to say._ _

__– Argh. Did you even know where north was either, then?_ _

__– I told you I wasn't completely sure..._ _

__– I thought that was a joke!_ _

__His hands shoot to his head like he doesn't know if he should pull his hair out._ _

__– You talked about Venus like you knew what we were doing, from the beginning! he shouts._ _

__– But... I only looked those things up to help us get started, I say._ _

__And I hate how small my voice is. I think he's being unfair, but I can't shout at him like that. I don't know how._ _

__– I didn't know what I was doing, any more than you, I say. – I just... I just thought you wouldn't want to do any preparations. You said from the beginning it couldn't be so hard. I just tried to make it easier... That's why I looked for the charts, and everything._ _

__He snarls._ _

__– So it's all my fault! That's what you think?_ _

__– No, Kagami-kun, I didn't say that..._ _

__– You think I didn't want to get this over with tonight!?_ _

__– No, that's not..._ _

__– Whatever!_ _

__He raises his hands in a gesture that says only: Stop._ _

__– I just... This isn't working. I need sleep. You do whatever you want._ _

__And just like that, before I can think of anything to say, he walks past me, and in a moment, I hear the door of his room slam closed._ _

__I just stand there for a while. I feel kind of numb, before I realize my heart is pounding. Then my face starts feeling hot. Then it goes cold, and I feel sweat on my forehead._ _

__I don't know how I was able to make him so mad._ _

__To my fright, my eyes start to well up. I blink fast, and make it go away. I know no one is looking, but I still feel embarrassed. I just wasn't expecting him to flare up like that. And I can't figure out what exactly it was that set him off._ _

__I just know it must have been me._ _

__For a moment longer I stand there, not knowing what to do. I take a deep breath. I remind myself that I have a tendency to take situations like these too seriously. If that's true, then it might be that he'll forget this in a couple of days, and we can start over._ _

__I entertain that thought, and try to decide what to do based on that assumption. It's better to let him cool his head before we talk again. Then everything will be easier. So, me being here isn't going to help._ _

__I decide to go home._ _

__

__Sunday goes slowly._ _

__I mostly spend the day reading in bed. That should be relaxing, and I've been trying so hard to feel that the fight with Kagami-kun was nothing, but... It doesn't work. It never works like that. I can't just think it into nothing. I have to admit, for the thousandth time in my life that I'm not wired that way. I'm wired to worry._ _

__So, instead of getting immersed in the book I'm reading, I'm playing his words in my head over and over again. I haven't texted, or called him. I'm afraid that will just make him more mad. He would call, if he wanted to, I think. We can't avoid each other at school, so I suppose that's when we'll have to talk, at least a little bit. We have to figure out what to do with the assignment. There aren't too many days left for it._ _

__I hate it, but I can't stop feeling heavy._ _

__I tried to hide that anything had happened from everyone when I came home, but, of course Granny cracked me up in five minutes. She just knows me too well. So, I've been told over and over again to call Kagami-kun._ _

__That's why I keep thinking about it. But I don't let go of the book I'm reading, superficially, so I can keep just thinking about it._ _

__In the afternoon I'm taking a nap with Nigou. He's mostly at home with me now, not so much at anyone else's house. At some point it just happened that way._ _

__It's not like I mind._ _

__I'm startled awake when Granny comes to the room, opening to door loudly enough for it to echo in the walls._ _

__– Up now, sleeping beauty, or you won't get any sleep at night._ _

__I'm just rubbing my eyes awake when she walks to the window. I look at her, and see her smile. She glances at me._ _

__– Now, isn't that your knight in a shining arm-, er, on a rusty bike, on our street._ _

__I blink._ _

__– What?_ _

__– He seems to be looking for pebbles to throw at your window. Funny guy..._ _

__She chuckles to herself._ _

__– Granny, it's not April Fool's Day yet._ _

__– I'm not making this up._ _

__I stare at her. Then I get up and go to the window._ _

__Kagami-kun really is there. With a bike, and a back bag, indeed looking for something on the ground._ _

__– I think you should go down there, Granny says with a grin._ _

__– Yes..., I mutter._ _

__Kagami-kun has found a small stone and is just about to throw it at my window, when I come to the street. He doesn't see me yet. I can't help but call out to him:_ _

__– Kagami-kun, you know, our front door is still working._ _

__He flinches, and the stone drops to the ground. He looks at me. He doesn't look angry. That's why I can say:_ _

__– I also have a cell phone, in case you forgot._ _

__He scratches his head._ _

__– I... I thought, he starts, and coughs a little. – That I didn't want to explain myself to your parents. And that you might be angry, and not pick up your phone._ _

__I blink._ _

__– So... You figured that throwing pebbles was a more convincing way?_ _

__– I thought you'd come down if you saw me! You aren't usually _that _angry!___ _

____– I'm not angry, Kagami-kun. You were angry._ _ _ _

____He sighs, and rubs his forehead._ _ _ _

____– Look, when I woke up you were just gone! I turned the whole place upside down before realizing all your stuff was gone. What else am I supposed to think about that! You didn't even text._ _ _ _

____– Neither did you._ _ _ _

____– You know, I fully expected you to stay, and wake me up once it was dark enough to see all the constellations!_ _ _ _

____That stops me still, and I just stare. He stares back. Then I say:_ _ _ _

____– But... You didn't say anything like that._ _ _ _

____– I thought that was obvious!_ _ _ _

____– It really wasn't._ _ _ _

____He shakes his head, and sighs._ _ _ _

____– You can't just disappear because I'm being a jerk! You have to fight back!_ _ _ _

____I couldn't. But I can't say that. I already feel ashamed that I couldn't._ _ _ _

____He exhales loudly._ _ _ _

____– You know, I thought about it, and I don't get it, he says. – You have no problem picking a fight with random guys just because they're being unfair to someone else. You've also punched me, in the face, when I was just too out of it to listen to anyone. So why can't you do any of that when I'm being unfair to _you _?___ _ _ _

______It's different. It's different when it's just me._ _ _ _ _ _

______But I can't say that either. I turn my eyes to the ground._ _ _ _ _ _

______– I... I just didn't want to make it worse, I say. – I thought you needed to calm down._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Yeah, for like, ten minutes!_ _ _ _ _ _

______– I didn't know that. I thought I had really made you mad._ _ _ _ _ _

______– You didn't make me mad! That stupid assignment made me mad!_ _ _ _ _ _

______– I know it was that too..._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Look, I'm sorry!_ _ _ _ _ _

______I look up._ _ _ _ _ _

______– I'm sorry I yelled like that. I said unfair things. I just got mad because I realized I'd let you do all the work, and it turned out it wasn't even because you got it better than me._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Oh..._ _ _ _ _ _

______– I just can't understand how you took it so seriously._ _ _ _ _ _

______I look at the ground again._ _ _ _ _ _

______– I... Well... You were pretty mad. I... guess I just overestimated the time it would take you to calm down._ _ _ _ _ _

______He snorts._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Yeah, big time._ _ _ _ _ _

______He really isn't mad anymore. I feel stupid, because that's the only thing that really gets my attention. I'm just happy he isn't angry._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Next time, if you can't win me in a shouting match, maybe just throw your book at me or something?_ _ _ _ _ _

______That makes me smile. Then my chest feels tight. My eyes start itching. I bite my teeth. I'm not going to cry for this, in front of him. I'm just not. I tell myself I'm not. It helps. I let out a breath._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Books are not for throwing, I say. – I'll just throw a basketball at you._ _ _ _ _ _

______He grins._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Yeah, sure way to distract me._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Exactly._ _ _ _ _ _

______I look at his back bag._ _ _ _ _ _

______– So, um... What is all this?_ _ _ _ _ _

______He smiles._ _ _ _ _ _

______– I'll take you somewhere where we can see that troublesome planet._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Right now?_ _ _ _ _ _

______– Preferably, yeah._ _ _ _ _ _

______– How did you find a place like that?_ _ _ _ _ _

______– Ugh..._ _ _ _ _ _

______He avoids my eyes. That sure makes me curious, so I just keep staring at him. Maybe that works, because then he sighs, and says:_ _ _ _ _ _

______– Fine. I... was thinking about who to ask, and... only that carrot of Shuutoku came to mind._ _ _ _ _ _

______I can feel my eyes widen._ _ _ _ _ _

______– You called Midorima-kun?_ _ _ _ _ _

______– Yeah, after I called Coach for Momoi's number, and her for that guy's._ _ _ _ _ _

______I just stare at him._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Don't look at me like that!_ _ _ _ _ _

______– Kagami-kun, I can't believe you didn't just tell me to call him._ _ _ _ _ _

______– I thought you were mad, remember!_ _ _ _ _ _

______– I know. It's just..._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Whatever. Turns out he did know quite a bit about stuff like this. He told me about this hill where you can see Venus clearly at this time of the year, and the constellations are bright. It should be a good weather tonight._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Kagami-kun..._ _ _ _ _ _

______– What?_ _ _ _ _ _

______– I'm sorry I didn't think about calling Midorima-kun._ _ _ _ _ _

______He snorts._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Yeah, you better be, 'cause do you know how many times I was called a moron during that phone call? Better not count. Anyway, the place is about 20 kilometres away, so we have to get going._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Are we... going there on your bike?_ _ _ _ _ _

______– Yeah._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Are you sure you can do that? With me at the back?_ _ _ _ _ _

______– Hah. Don't underestimate me. Without you it would be just too easy._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Even though it sounds like it's uphill?_ _ _ _ _ _

______– Let's just go, he says, and there's a hint of his fighting look in his eyes._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Um..._ _ _ _ _ _

______– What?_ _ _ _ _ _

______– I have to convince my parents to let me go, somehow._ _ _ _ _ _

______He frowns._ _ _ _ _ _

______– What's the big deal? It's not that far._ _ _ _ _ _

______– No, but it's going to be past midnight when we get back. They were already angry I came home so late at night yesterday, and didn't stay at your place._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Huh?_ _ _ _ _ _

______– Um... They can be a bit... hysterical._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Yeah, he says, rolling his eyes. – Like what do they think will happen?_ _ _ _ _ _

______I shrug._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Dad says that guys get attacked too, in the dark corners of the streets._ _ _ _ _ _

______He raises his brows._ _ _ _ _ _

______– His words, not mine, I say._ _ _ _ _ _

______– So, your parents are totally overprotective._ _ _ _ _ _

______– I guess you can put it that way..._ _ _ _ _ _

______He nods, glancing at the sky._ _ _ _ _ _

______– What it is? I ask._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Nothing, just... Explains a lot about you._ _ _ _ _ _

______I can't come up with anything to say to that right away, and then he just waves his hand and says:_ _ _ _ _ _

______– Whatever, go convince them. They've seen me, right? As if you're going to get attacked when you're with me._ _ _ _ _ _

______I smile._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Yes, I'm sure they will be convinced._ _ _ _ _ _

______I get back sooner than I'm expecting, and Kagami-kun is waiting, on his bike, ready to go. He hurries me on the rack. Then he sees what I'm carrying._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Wait..._ _ _ _ _ _

______– I'm not going to bike without a helmet._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Well, I am._ _ _ _ _ _

______– No, you're not. These are my parents' conditions._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Are you serious..._ _ _ _ _ _

______I step closer and put one of the helmets on his head._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Kagami-kun, I like your head. Don't put it in danger._ _ _ _ _ _

______– What the heck?_ _ _ _ _ _

______– I'm just quoting my dad._ _ _ _ _ _

______He just leaves the helmet hanging open, so I snap it closed for him._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Every real cyclist wears a helmet, too._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Why would I care...?_ _ _ _ _ _

______– I'm just quoting Mom now._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Okay, quit quoting, and hop on. We have a planet to catch._ _ _ _ _ _

______I snap my helmet in place, and get on the bike. Kagami-kun turns to glance at me._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Just hold on.  
 _ _ _ _ _ _


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still being idiots. And Kagami has a weird dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to post chapters 5 and 6 together because they just aren't complete separately.
> 
> Disclaimer: the following might not be interesting 
> 
> I have a confession to make. The astronomy stuff in the previous and the following chapter is based on a true story. When me and my girlfriend took an astronomy class in university, we were almost as dumb and clueless as Kagami and Kuroko in this chapter. (Almost. I made them just a bit more clueless.) So almost all of their mistakes were made by us. I normally don't write anything autobiographical but it somehow just happened with this. (And there's no deep meaning. I was just lazy.)
> 
> We thought astronomy class would be so cool to take, and then we didn't even listen there. Turned out it was like 90% math which we both hated. Suddenly felt like I was back in high school doodling the math class away. Also, I failed the test and never took it again. So, these chapters are a testimony to my only failed course in university. xD
> 
> Nothing else in these chapters is real though. Just the mistakes they make with their assignment. Not any of the drama surrounding it.
> 
> Carry on.

# Sixth: Don't need an excuse

# Kagami

Okay, fine, I'm exhausted.

It's just that it's been uphill almost the entire way. I had to stop a few times to drink. But now there's only a couple of kilometers left. I think.

I still have this annoying knot inside of me. Because I made Kuroko run away from me. 

Okay, I know he kind of explained it wasn't exactly like that, but... Even so, that's what it feels like to me. Besides, back there in front of their house I'm sure he was gritting his teeth at one point, so maybe he just wouldn't say that he was angry.

I feel like I should be thinking: So what? It's his fault if he takes things too seriously.

I wonder why it doesn't work like that. It should be a normal way for me to think. But somehow, thinking that doesn't help. The knot doesn't go away. Is this just guilt?

I hope to bike it away before we get to the hill.

Kuroko has been quiet behind me most of the way. Well, I would be out of breath soon anyway, if I tried to talk.

Then the hill appears before my eyes.

– Yeah, we found it! I let out.

– So... You weren't sure? Kuroko says.

– Nah, it's just... It's finally there.

– Kagami-kun... Let's just walk the rest of the way.

– No way, I'm not giving up now! Just let me focus.

– It's too high...

I'm forced to admit that he's right. I'm just too exhausted already. The wheels just give out when the hill gets too steep. I get my feet under me before the bike falls down. Kuroko grabs my back bag, so he doesn't fall.

– Okay, okay, I gasp. – We'll walk.

I'm still a wreck when we reach the hilltop. I lay down on my back on the grass. Kuroko sits next to me.

– Two hours! I say, between breaths. – I can't believe it took two hours to get here...

– It's okay, the sun hasn't set yet.

– Still, two hours...

– If it makes you feel any better, a whole day wouldn't have been enough for me to do that, with someone on the rack....

– I'm going to freeze when I cool down.

– Did you bring your winter coat?

– 'Course I did. Did you bring those binoculars?

– Yes. And food. Are you hungry?

– Obviously. I brought food too.

So, we eat sandwiches and watch the sky go red. When I'm not starving anymore, I start looking around.

– Hmm, okay, so that guy said the planet should appear right above a row a bushes... So I suppose it's there.

The ground is still cold, but I've brought a blanket, so that helps. It's not long after we've sat on that other side of the hill, that I notice it again. I'm sure it's the same. I've seen it every time now. I look at Kuroko and I know he sees it too.

– That's the star..., I say. He looks at me.

– It is right above the bushes.

– And there's nothing else on the sky yet.

We look at each other for a while. Then we look at that bright light.

– Do you think...

– It couldn't be...

I take out my phone.

– Let's just google what Venus looks like.

It doesn't take two seconds to figure out it looks exactly like a star from earth.

– So...

– That's Venus.

– We saw it every time.

– We just didn't think... Except maybe for that little while. But that was because of a mistake...

We look at the star... planet, again, and then at each other.

I lay down on my back and cover my face with my hands.

– I can't believe we did all this work for nothing!

Kuroko lays down too.

– Yes, we should have done more research.

– What did you think a planet looks like?

– I'm not sure...

– Well, I thought it would be, like, round!

– I suppose I did too.

– Like, a faint orange ball above the horizon!

– Pfft. Basically... You were expecting a basketball to pop up on the sky?

– Yeah, like, totally!

We look at the sky for a moment. I turn to him.

– I said we were morons, didn't I?

– You were right.

Then, we can't do anything but lie there and laugh.

After we calm down we take out our notebooks and the questions. Turns out it takes quite a bit more research to answer them in any way that seems to make sense. Apparently, we still have to know exactly were north is. But it's not too difficult. Once you stop avoiding the work. Yeah, I know I should have done that sooner.

Now that we're here it doesn't make sense to leave before it's dark, and we can finally find the missing constellations.

– It's still amazing how much it took for us to figure this thing out, I mumble. We're finishing off the food, which means I've eaten maybe three times what he has.

– We better get a good grade for this, I say.

– I don't think this weights too much in the overall physics grade.

– Still.

– You should write down how many unpleasant phone calls you had to make, and how many hours you had to bike to find this place.

– Yeah. Let's not mention we could've seen the planet from my house.

The sky is deep blue on the other side, and purple-red on the other. We're still going to be here for a while. I wonder why I didn't bring a basketball with me. Or, I don't know, fucking playing cards. Anything. I guess I was just too worked up to think that far.

– Oh yeah, how's that book working for you?

The moment I let that out, I feel like sighing. Great. So I'm bored and I figure, hey, let's talk about a book, even better, a death camp book, just so no one gets too cheerful.

– You mean Schindler's List? Kuroko says, turning to me.

– Yeah, that.

– It was okay.

– Oh, so you finished it already.

– Yes.

– How long does it take you to read a book?

– An average length book, usually a couple of days, if I'm not busy.

– Right. Fast.

– Kagami-kun, it's not really even fast. I could read it in one sitting too. You just don't have perspective.

I roll my eyes.

– Last time I tried to read a book for school, It took me a month to read half of it. There, have some perspective.

He tilts his head.

– Last time you tried?

– I've just been watching the movies since then. Turns out there are usually many of them.

– Shame on you, Kagami-kun.

I grin.

– What? Wasn't it you who suggested watching movies instead of reading?

– Obviously not, when reading is the whole point.

– Yeah yeah...

– There are so many things a movie can't grasp.

– I'm sure there are so much more things a book can't grasp.

– You're wrong.

– Like, sight. Faces. Movement. Colours. Sound. Noise. To put it simply.

– No, a book can definitely do all that, and a lot more.

– Well, I can't get any of that from a book. It's just dull paper and dull ink, in dull rows.

– Well, I can.

I shrug.

– Fine. You be happy with your imagination.

– Thanks, I will.

He looks at me in silence. Then he says:

– Tell me, was it in America... when you swore off books?

– Huh, yeah, I guess. Why?

– Okay.

He turns to look at the sky.

– Hey, finish that thought out loud, maybe?

– I was just thinking, maybe you should try again. In your first language. Might help.

I sigh.

– You know what doesn't help? Not reading so much Kanji for years. Really doesn't help.

– Fine, he says. – It's up to you whether you want to catch up.

– Whatever. So, what was wrong with Schindler's List?

He looks at me.

– Nothing... I guess the narration just wasn't that engaging. I still liked the themes, though.

– Okay.

That's doesn't tell me much, really, but I don't feel like asking for clarification either.

– And there's a good quote in it, a famous one.

– Hmm?

– ”Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire”.

– Oh. I've heard that.

That makes him smile.

– See? I told you it was weird you didn't know that book.

– And I said I don't know books.

– You know, it's a movie too.

– Whatever.

He lays down on his stomach and starts fiddling with the dry grass.

– I like that quote, he says.

After a moment, I say:

– Yeah, me too.

He looks up.

– Really?

– Yeah, really.

– ...

– What?

– I was... just wondering what it means for you.

I frown.

– You tell me what it means in that book instead.

He turns back to the grass.

– Well... There's this idea that, hypothetically, one person will have children with someone. And those children will have children. And their children will have children. The number of children will keep multiplying and so... if you save one person, the number of new lives that act makes possible is infinite, if you look further and further enough into the future. So, in that sense, you do save the whole world, saving one person. And that's why the worth of one life should never be questioned.

– Huh. Now I'm not sure I like the quote that much anymore.

He turns to look at me.

– Then, what did you make out of it?

He looks at me, waiting. Fine, if he wants to talk deep shit, then let's talk.

– Well, I just... basically thought the world through one person's eyes is already a whole world. Because, uh… That’s the only view of the world you’ll ever see. So you save someone's world, you save... ”the world entire”. For them.

I put my hand over my eyes.

– Don't laugh at me, I know it must be dorky, I mutter.

He doesn't laugh.

– I wasn't thinking that. Not at all.

I look at him, and he doesn't look like there's anything funny about it.

– I... I think I like your version better, too, he says.

– Yeah?

He nods.

– Why? I ask. It's his turn to make confessions.

He keeps his eyes on the grass again.

– Because... while I like the book's idea, about how important an individual link is in the large scale of events... I think it doesn't fully grasp the subjective meaning an individual's life has. On its own, just because they are there, experiencing it... Just... Just because.

He smiles faintly.

– Right. I get that, I say.

– Why didn't you like it, then?

– Uh, something similar, I guess.

– Hmm?

He's looking at me, pressing me to answer, with that persistent stare.

– Ugh, fine. It's just stupid, all that focus on having children. As if your life somehow means less if you don't procreate, for whatever reason.

He doesn't say anything. Just smiles. I'm not sure why I feel the need to explain.

– Like, the world is overpopulated already, not everyone needs to have biological kids! In fact, everyone should just adopt one from China before making more!

He's still just smiling.

– Like, everyone would benefit from that... Hey, what are you smiling for?

He blinks.

– I was smiling?

– Yeah, like I'm some kind of idiot.

He smiles again, and looks at the grass.

– Well... I guess you are. But I like how you think. I like the simple way things are in your head. It seems peaceful there.

I frown.

– Okay, now I can't honestly tell how much you're mocking me and how much you're serious.

– I seriously think the world would be nice, if your ideas worked.

– Right, they don't, I get it.

I lay on my back, and stretch my arms.

– Well... It's not like I really spend my time wishing the world was different, I say.

– Never? he asks.

– Okay, sometimes. If I'm really pissed off.

He sits up, and starts searching the sky.

– We should be looking for the stars by now, he says. I take out my phone to see the chart. There's still a bunch left to find.

A couple of them we find easily now. We write answers to the stupid questions with our phones as flashlights. Then we lie on our backs and search the sky. You can really see it well from this hill. In the dark, it looks even more infinite than in daylight. You feel like you could just drown in there.

People say that space makes you feel insignificant. I don't know if the fact that we just talked about the meaningfulness of one person is behind it, but at this moment, I think it's bullshit. I don't think the space makes people feel insignificant. I think it just makes them feel stupid, because it's too big for them to comprehend, and they're just trying to come up with a fancy word for it.

Now that I'm lying here, not saying anything, it occurs to me that the knot inside me is gone. It's not like I've even thought about it, so it's probably been gone for a while, but I just notice it now. It must have dissolved somewhere, in all that talking.

Also, I wonder when I stopped feeling bored. I don't know. Somehow, it feels stupid now, that I even felt that way.

It's not boring, being with Kuroko. Talking with him like this. You think he's quiet, but once you're with him for long enough... he's actually really easy to talk with. A lot of things I don't really talk, or think about, not that much anyway, come out of me pretty easily when I'm with him for a long enough time. And he turns less secretive. I think. Okay, it still seems like he's never saying anything quite to the extend he could. (I don't know how else to put it.) But he still tells me real thoughts, talks about things he cares about, with ease.

And, it seems I can also make him laugh. I mean, without just being the one being laughed at. I guess that's a new enough realization.

I know that getting mad last time was my own fault. It was because I was too focused on getting this assignment done fast, with minimal effort. I hurried too much.

But I'm not in a hurry now. It's a bit weird I guess, but I don't feel like hurrying anywhere. I don't feel like going anywhere. I'm good here. I haven't even been searching for the stars for a while now. Because... it's just nice, being here. It's relaxing. Being with him.

Besides, there's only one constellation left. Neither of us seems to be able to find it.

Kuroko gets up from the blanket. Okay, he's still trying then. I suppose that's what he's doing, when he goes to the centre of the hilltop, looking at the sky. He's checking the chart on the phone once in a while.

I turn on my stomach. I watch his face, in the phone's light. There's a faint smile. Then it seems he starts looking around the sky, randomly. The phone's light still reaches his face, and his light hair. The wind blows it just a bit. It's as faint as his smile. He turns around, and round, slowly. So, he's not looking for the constellation anymore.

Well, neither am I. I'm just looking at him. I wonder why.

Then he looks at me. It doesn't seem like he's aware that I was staring at him for so long. He just smiles.

– Kagami-kun?

– Yeah?

– Thank you, for bringing me here. It's beautiful.

– Yeah...

He keeps looking at the sky, and I keep looking at him. I still don't know why.

– Oh, he says, and turns to me. – I think I found the last one.

He looks at the phone with a slight frown.

– You could never guess from this chart that it was that low.

So he comes back to the blanket, and we answer the last questions.

Then we're ready to go home.

I catch myself when the feeling of disappointment has just settled in my stomach. I can't believe myself. Yeah, okay, it's nice being out here. He's right, the night sky is a scene worth watching. But still. I was so against the work. And now I wouldn't want to go home.

Sometimes I don't get myself.

– It's a shame you didn't bring a tent, really, Kuroko says, out of the blue. I look at him in surprise.

– Well, it's such a nice view, he says. – Don't you think it would have been nice? It's too cold to sleep under the stars yet.

Is he reading my mind now, or what?

– We have school tomorrow, I say.

– I know.

– Yeah, well, you can come back and sleep under the stars in the summer.

– Why do you say it like it's dumb?

– It is dumb. So, I'm coming too.

When he smiles, his eyes open just enough for them to catch some light.

– Yes. Let's come back.

The way home is all downhill. So easy. Sometimes the streets are so quiet, it feels like it's just me and him.

 

The week goes by fast. It seems Coach is really going through some experimental phase. She breaks all the routines we've ever had, and I'm actually tired after every practice.

At home, I have trouble relaxing, which is weird. I can't focus on studying either. Well, that's not new, of course.

One night, I almost call Kuroko and tell him to come help me study, but I realize it's late and then again, he isn't even that much better than me in most subjects. So why would I even think of him first? I'm ready to come up with excuses, like, Coach wouldn't even let me breath, and Izuki's puns would distract me, and Captain... well, he might just bring Coach with him.

But... It's dumb. I know I thought of him first, because... he's just the first person to come to my mind in general. What's wrong with that? Why would I need to excuse it?

But it's not just that. What's bothering me. What's been bothering me the whole week.

It's that he isn't here. That he hasn't been here this week at all. Somehow, it's just become too normal to me. There was that ribbon thing, and the physics assignment, and even before that, I feel like there was often a reason for him to be here. And now there hasn't been any.

So, I guess it just feels empty here.

It's really dumb. Despite some people's disbelief that's not how I feel about living alone. I don't mind it at all, I like it, even. I need my quiet alone time, too. I don't think that I normally would've paid any attention if no one came here the whole week, or more.

So that's why it's really dumb.

 

I dream about the stars.

I'm out there. There's no hill, just the sky, just the stars, above and below. Everywhere.

I'm just there. Not exactly floating, but not really walking either. I'm still moving. But it feels directionless. I'm not really going anywhere.

Maybe I'm not the one moving. Maybe it's the stars moving around me. Or maybe it's a trick. Like, it could be either way, depending on what I think it is. The stars are moving, because I think they are. I keep thinking. It's like they move a little faster. It could be my imagination.

It's all very beautiful, sure. But they're just flickering lights. Thousands, millions, an infinite number of them. Each looks like the next one. I'm not here for the view.

– I'm not here for the view, I say out loud.

– No, you're here for me, Kuroko says behind me. I turn. For some reason, he's wearing our black team uniform. And he's barefoot. But then it seems just natural here. I notice that I'm wearing the white version.

– Can you see me? he asks.

– Of course I can, I say. – You've been here the whole time.

He shakes his head.

– No, can you _see _me?__

__I don't understand his question. It's better not to answer. It's better not to go near it. Better let it linger in the air, live its own life. In this place. In this space. Somewhere, and nowhere. The space can't be about us._ _

__Now I have to say that. But it comes out wrong._ _

__– The space can't be about me._ _

__It makes me rub my forehead._ _

__– Of course it is, Kuroko says._ _

__– How?_ _

__– You said it, didn't you?_ _

__– What?_ _

__– The whole world is about you._ _

__– When did I say that?_ _

__– The world through your eyes is a world entire._ _

__It sounds familiar._ _

__– That wasn't my point. It means the whole world is about you, too. Your world, through your eyes._ _

__– But we're not in my world._ _

__– Why not?_ _

__He chuckles._ _

__– Of course not. Look at what you're wearing._ _

__I glance at the white uniform again._ _

__– Right. Of course._ _

__He starts swirling around in that emptiness. Emptiness filled with twinkles._ _

__– There are so many stars, he says._ _

__I don't say anything. I watch him turn like a spinning top. He moves up and down in the emptiness, but stays close to me._ _

__– Why are there so many stars, Kagami-kun?_ _

__– I thought you liked the stars._ _

__That's the only answer I have. He smiles._ _

__– They're beautiful, he says._ _

___You're beautiful _, I think. Does that mean I have to say it now? It's his fault, for spinning around like that. Starry eyed. The starlight flickering in his hair.__ _ _

____Is it wrong to just think that? I just think that. It's just thinking._ _ _ _

____– It's just thinking! I say. He looks at me._ _ _ _

____– Yes, he says and looks down. – Beauty is in the eye of the beholder._ _ _ _

____He thinks I'm still talking about the stars._ _ _ _

____He starts spinning again. He goes further now. Bigger circles. But comes back. Then he goes below my feet, and stays there._ _ _ _

____– Hey, come back here, I say._ _ _ _

____– Why?_ _ _ _

____I just look at him, and the endless space below, for a while, before I answer._ _ _ _

____– I'm afraid you'll disappear down there._ _ _ _

____– Then, why don't you come down here? he says, smiling._ _ _ _

____I don't answer. I reach out my hand. He sighs, and takes it. I pull him up._ _ _ _

____– You know, it's not really ”down”, he says, when he's in front of me, still holding my hand._ _ _ _

____– What do you mean?_ _ _ _

____– It just looks that way, from where you're standing now._ _ _ _

____I frown._ _ _ _

____– Isn't that what makes it ”down”?_ _ _ _

____– There is no up or down in space, Kagami-kun. Those are just concepts made by people who only look at life from one perspective._ _ _ _

____– Aren't we those people too?_ _ _ _

____He smiles faintly._ _ _ _

____– We don't have to be._ _ _ _

____I sigh._ _ _ _

____– You make it sound like it's so easy. What do you even kn-_ _ _ _

____He smiles more._ _ _ _

____– I guess you do know, I say._ _ _ _

____– Yes, Kagami-kun. I know all about perspectives._ _ _ _

____– That's not what I mean. I mean- what you are..._ _ _ _

____He tilts his head._ _ _ _

____– What I am?_ _ _ _

____– You're different from me. But you count. I just wanted to tell you that. You should know it, but..._ _ _ _

____– Kagami-kun, I don't understand what you're saying. Let me give you some perspective._ _ _ _

____And then he starts pulling my hand, and I start turning. He pulls me until we're both upside down in the emptiness. I look into his eyes, and he looks into mine._ _ _ _

____So what, if I'm upside down? What could be wrong with that?_ _ _ _

____Then he points to the direction our heads are. Down, I guess._ _ _ _

____– That could be ”up”, he says._ _ _ _

____For a moment longer it feels just ”down”. But then... I seem to lose that sense. What did it feel like, being upside down, again?_ _ _ _

____Now he's just pointing up. We're just normal. Everything is just normal. For a moment, I think there's a trick. Like, he pulled us back up, and I just didn't notice. But..._ _ _ _

____That smile. I can tell from his smile, that there's no trick._ _ _ _

____– See, he says. – This is just how your brain works._ _ _ _

____I can only look around, and wonder how... just how normal it feels this way around._ _ _ _

____– The space is... a wonderful place, I say quietly._ _ _ _

____– Kagami-kun, it's not about space, he says, tilting his head. I look at him._ _ _ _

____– It's not?_ _ _ _

____He shakes his head._ _ _ _

____– No, it works the same way on earth. If you walked on your hands for a day, by the end of it, it would feel normal. The ”down” would become ”up”. You just wouldn't be upside down anymore. Because it's all about perception. Human brain is really adaptive._ _ _ _

____I blink. He grins._ _ _ _

____– You should know, Kagami-kun. You know how to walk on your hands._ _ _ _

____I sigh. Deep._ _ _ _

____– So... It's not about being up or down. It's about what other people think, I say._ _ _ _

____– Yes, he says. – If you walked on your hands, you would never even think there was anything odd about it, if you never saw the rest of the world walking on their feet._ _ _ _

____He smiles sadly. I don't want him to be sad. I think of reaching my hand out towards him, but... Then I realize we're still holding hands._ _ _ _

____– Why am I holding your hand? I ask._ _ _ _

____– Yes, why are you?_ _ _ _

____– I don't know._ _ _ _

____– That's fine._ _ _ _

____I just look at our hands for a while. Then I look him in the eye._ _ _ _

____– I'm scared, I say._ _ _ _

____– There's nothing to fear. You're safe. I'm safe._ _ _ _

____– Look, I haven't exactly been here before, so excuse me if I'm a little alarmed._ _ _ _

____– Where?_ _ _ _

____– Well, I don't know!_ _ _ _

____– Why don't you know?_ _ _ _

____– I don't know!_ _ _ _

____It's just silence then. I have no thoughts. He doesn't say anything. He doesn't look at me like I have to say anything. He's not pressing me for answers. I'm not sure he even has questions. It's not like he started this. I did. These are all my questions._ _ _ _

____And I have to answer them, somehow._ _ _ _

____– Look, I say, and breathe. – I'm just a little lost here._ _ _ _

____When I look at him, he's smiling._ _ _ _

____– Kagami-kun, you're not lost._ _ _ _

____– How do you know I'm not?_ _ _ _

____Suddenly he's holding my hand with both hands._ _ _ _

____– Because, you're with me._ _ _ _

____I can't say anything. He's right. And I don't have words for that._ _ _ _

____But then he looks sad, again. His eyes are cast down. He smiles the faintest smile, before looking up to me._ _ _ _

____– Kagami-kun, you said I was different._ _ _ _

____– I... I did..._ _ _ _

____– So, this isn't really the way for me._ _ _ _

____– What do you mean?_ _ _ _

____– I was just giving you perspective. So, I'll give you more._ _ _ _

____He moves. He doesn't let go of my hand, but he flips in the emptiness, and stops, when he's horizontally in front of me. He points to the direction of this head. The direction that's above his head, for him. To my right._ _ _ _

____– What if my ”up”, was there?_ _ _ _

____I frown. I flip myself so that our heads point to the same direction again._ _ _ _

____– Then mine is, too._ _ _ _

____He shakes his head, with that sad smile on his face._ _ _ _

____– No, you don't understand. This is hypothetical._ _ _ _

____He turns the same way again, and leaves me the way I am._ _ _ _

____– Now, again. What if my ”up” was there? Yours would still be where it is now._ _ _ _

____That just makes me frown more._ _ _ _

____– But why? It doesn't make any sense, I say. – I can turn whatever way. There are no rules. I'm totally flexible._ _ _ _

____– I know, he says. When he doesn't say anything more, I flip myself again, so that I'm facing him._ _ _ _

____He sighs._ _ _ _

____– Kagami-kun... I tried to tell you._ _ _ _

____– What?_ _ _ _

____– This turning in space that you can do in every direction... I'm just not in that space at all. I'm not here._ _ _ _

____– What do you mean? You're here._ _ _ _

____– No, he says, and smiles. – I'm just here to hold your hand._ _ _ _

____There's a silence. He looks like he's searching my eyes for something._ _ _ _

____– Do you remember, when you said you were afraid I was going to disappear?_ _ _ _

____Yes. I'm not sure I need to answer. But I need to answer._ _ _ _

____– Yes, I say._ _ _ _

____That's when he disappears._ _ _ _

____For a moment I'm just empty. Dumbfounded. Then I hear his voice:_ _ _ _

____– I told you, Kagami-kun. I told you I wasn't an option._ _ _ _

____Liar._ _ _ _

____– Liar, I say._ _ _ _

____– Kagami-kun. That's not appropriate._ _ _ _

____– No, you said you weren't here. Liar._ _ _ _

____– I'm not._ _ _ _

____– Yes, you are. I can still hear you._ _ _ _

____– But I'm not here._ _ _ _

____– Kuroko?_ _ _ _

____He's silent. I sigh through my nose._ _ _ _

____– Remember when I said you've been here the whole time? I ask._ _ _ _

____– Yes..., he says quietly._ _ _ _

____– Well, you have. You're here. You're just invisible._ _ _ _

____That's when I realize I'm still holding his hand. He's still holding mine with both of his._ _ _ _

____That's what makes me reach out my other hand. I find his face without trying. I smile._ _ _ _

____– Look. Here you are._ _ _ _

____He doesn't say anything. So I do._ _ _ _

____– Look, you said it yourself. It's not about ”ups” or ”downs”._ _ _ _

____I hear him sigh._ _ _ _

____– It wouldn't extend to me of course, he says._ _ _ _

____– Why not?_ _ _ _

____– Because that's when everything is about ”ups” and ”downs”._ _ _ _

____– Not in my world it isn't._ _ _ _

____– The world would be nice, if your ideas worked, he says._ _ _ _

____– Fuck that, I say. – This is my world. You said it yourself. My ideas work._ _ _ _

____There's a silence again. But I still know he's here. My hand is holding his. My other hand is on his face._ _ _ _

____– Kagami-kun..._ _ _ _

____– Yeah?_ _ _ _

____– I told you I was only here to hold your hand._ _ _ _

____– Yeah?_ _ _ _

____– That's all I can do._ _ _ _

____– That's fine._ _ _ _

____– Are you sure?_ _ _ _

____I exhale, and take a breath. How are we breathing? Oh, never mind._ _ _ _

____– Look. I'm saying it's fine. It's all I need. You do count._ _ _ _

____He doesn't answer._ _ _ _

____– Hey. I told you. There are no rules for me, I say._ _ _ _

____I can hear him breathing. He doesn't say anything. There's nothing more to say. There's no answer. Because that's where all the things I think I know, end. And Of course I know that all this time I've just been talking to myself in my head._ _ _ _

____I don't even know what the big question is anymore._ _ _ _

____I just keep holding his hand._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____– Ugh, why don't I have anyone tall in front of me?_ _ _ _

____– What are you whining about, Kagami-kun? – There's no one taller than you in our class._ _ _ _

____I glare at Kuroko behind me._ _ _ _

____– I need to sleep._ _ _ _

____– What did you do so late then? he asks, not glancing up from his textbook._ _ _ _

____– Nothing. I slept._ _ _ _

____– Okay?_ _ _ _

____– But then I had the spookiest dream in the entire universe! It's still giving me chills._ _ _ _

____– Oh? What was it about?_ _ _ _

____– Wish I could remember! No, wait. I take that back. I really don't want to._ _ _ _

____– But you remember it was spooky?_ _ _ _

____– Well, yeah! I woke up out of breath and couldn't shake that creepy feeling... I couldn't sleep after that at all._ _ _ _

____– Poor Kagami-kun. Maybe you were running from big bad ghost dogs who only wanted to hug you. Next time, let them catch you._ _ _ _

____– Haa haa. I doubt it was that simple. Somehow..._ _ _ _

____It definitely wasn't. I have no idea what it was about, but it left a really strange feeling. Creepy or spooky may not be the best words to describe it but I can't come up with anything too much better. But the dream drained me somehow. Twisted my brain into a knot. Like I had been looking for answers but got only more questions, more problems. Yet, there was this small feeling of resolve somewhere... Like a twinkle. Like a star. Were there stars in my dream? I don't know. I saw an overload of stars last week, so it could just be my mind filling in blanks in any random way._ _ _ _

____But it's not like it's really worth thinking about it. I wonder why I'm hung up on this now. I've figured that the reason I don't usually remember my dreams is that there's no need. There's nothing in my subconscious that needs resolve. So why would I spend time remembering random, useless stuff that my mind generates?_ _ _ _

____Yeah, maybe I just ate something bad last night. That must be it._ _ _ _

____Coach is in a nagging mood the whole afternoon. And, I get most of all that, of course! She's so damn particular about some minor things these days. And it's not like I'm having a bad day. It's not like I'm having a bad anything! It's just her... Her and her compulsive need to find those new angles or some crap she talks about. I wonder if she just feels too much pressure and is losing her mind. She even makes me stay after everyone else has left and goes on and on about things she needs me to do which I don't see a point in. She's usually so good at making me see it, at some point anyway. Maybe she's really just having a bad day._ _ _ _

____When I get to the clubroom door, I hear talking through it._ _ _ _

____– Maybe you could just call her?_ _ _ _

____That's Kuroko's voice._ _ _ _

____– It doesn't feel like ”just”..._ _ _ _

____That should be Furi._ _ _ _

____I decide it's better to just go in right away than stand here as if I'm eavesdropping._ _ _ _

____There's no one besides them in the clubroom. They say hi to me, but then Furi turns right back to Kuroko._ _ _ _

____– I just don't know... I've been stressing over this for two weeks..._ _ _ _

____Apparently, I'm not disturbing it then, whatever it is he's venting about._ _ _ _

____– Furihata-kun, I think you might be overthinking it._ _ _ _

____– Is this something you even can overthink?_ _ _ _

____– I think you don't need an excuse to spend time with someone you like, Kuroko says. It seems to get Furi's thoughts going again, because he doesn't answer immediately. Furthermore... Something about his words seems to catch... I don't know, something, in my mind too._ _ _ _

____That's when Kuroko turns to me._ _ _ _

____– Kagami-kun, do you need an excuse to spend time with someone you like?_ _ _ _

____I blink._ _ _ _

____– Uh, guess not._ _ _ _

____He turns back to Furi, who sighs._ _ _ _

____– But I don't even know if it's that kind of like, or not!_ _ _ _

____– Why do you need to know that? Kuroko asks, at which Furi raises his brows._ _ _ _

____– Of course I need to know that!_ _ _ _

____– Don't you think it will become clear to you at some point?_ _ _ _

____– Uh... I guess... But that's not... Well that's just not what you do! You don't just hang out, undecided!_ _ _ _

____– But, Furihata-kun... From what I gather, she hasn't asked you out. Not like that. So, what do you need to decide on?_ _ _ _

____– Uh..._ _ _ _

____Furi frowns deep, and slaps his face with both hands._ _ _ _

____– I don't know!_ _ _ _

____Kuroko smiles, and exhales lightly through his nose._ _ _ _

____– Furihata-kun, tell me... Are you overthinking this because someone you like spending time with... just happens to be a girl?_ _ _ _

____Furi blinks and stares at him._ _ _ _

____– I... Guess... If you put it that way..._ _ _ _

____I can't help a snort. Furi turns to look at me, so I guess I have to jump in now._ _ _ _

____– You're an idiot. You don't have to date someone just because they're a girl. That's messed up._ _ _ _

____Furi frowns, but then his face relaxes and he looks kind of defeated._ _ _ _

____– I guess you're right._ _ _ _

____– Damn right I'm right._ _ _ _

____– You don't have to call me an idiot, though. I get your point either way._ _ _ _

____– Fine, sorry, I mumble._ _ _ _

____Furi turns to Kuroko again._ _ _ _

____– But what if she wants to date and I don't? How pathetic I would be..._ _ _ _

____– Then you will tell her how you feel._ _ _ _

____Furi sighs dramatically._ _ _ _

____– As if that's nothing, and then we can just keep being friends?_ _ _ _

____– No, it might not be easy._ _ _ _

____– Don't you think it's sad if that's the way it ends?_ _ _ _

____Kuroko shrugs, and says:_ _ _ _

____– I think... What's sad is, if you avoid making new friends just because there is a chance that your feelings for each other might differ at some point._ _ _ _

____Furi squints as if he wants to disagree, but can't anymore. Then he sighs._ _ _ _

____– Yes, you're right, he says. – Maybe I am making it too complicated. But you know, everyone kept asking me if she was my girlfriend, like, as if there was no other way. Of course I would overthink it..._ _ _ _

____– Well, those guys are idiots, I say. Both Kuroko and Furi give me a long look._ _ _ _

____– Kagami-kun... You can't win an argument by calling everyone an idiot._ _ _ _

____– Yeah, Bakagami._ _ _ _

____– Shut up... It's not even an argument. These are just... facts._ _ _ _

____Furi gives a laugh._ _ _ _

____– It's true, though. I don't need and excuse to hang out with her! he says, with a new kind of determination in his eyes. – Did I really think that?  
Then his eyes light up._ _ _ _

____– Actually, I might still catch her now! he says, and now there's almost Koganei-like anticipation on his face._ _ _ _

____– Good luck, Furihata-kun, Kuroko says._ _ _ _

____– Thank you! For everything! Furi says, grabs his bag, and then he's out the door._ _ _ _

____I can't help but shake my head._ _ _ _

____– People and their drama, I mutter. Kuroko shrugs._ _ _ _

____– I think everyone needs a little perspective sometimes._ _ _ _

____Perspective... why does that word suddenly make me feel weird? Like almost a de ja vú kind of feeling._ _ _ _

____I must have been staring blankly, because Kuroko leans his head forward and waves a hand in front of my face._ _ _ _

____– Kagami-kun, where did you go?_ _ _ _

____Where did I...?_ _ _ _

____– Oh. Nothing... Uh... I just remembered a little bit of that weird dream, I guess._ _ _ _

____– Hmm? Okay, it really must have been quite a weird dream if you're still thinking about it._ _ _ _

____– Yeah..._ _ _ _

____– So, what did you remember?_ _ _ _

____– Um. You were there, I guess._ _ _ _

____He looks at me with a hint of confusion in his eyes._ _ _ _

____– Was it me, who made you so uncomfortable?_ _ _ _

____– Haha, no..._ _ _ _

____I shake my head._ _ _ _

____– That was something else, I'm sure, I say. – You were just there to... give me perspective._ _ _ _

____– Hmm? On what?_ _ _ _

____I shrug._ _ _ _

____– I have no idea._ _ _ _

____I just remember something about walking on my hands._ _ _ _

____– Well..., Kuroko says. – I hope I succeeded, anyway._ _ _ _

____I know he's not being serious. That's why I wonder if I'm still in some wacky dream world, because I feel the need to say:_ _ _ _

____– Yeah, me too._ _ _ _

____He doesn't seem to look at me weirdly. Maybe that didn't sound so weird, then._ _ _ _

____– Kagami-kun, do you need to go anywhere?_ _ _ _

____– Hmm, right now?_ _ _ _

____– Yes._ _ _ _

____– Why?_ _ _ _

____– Do you want to play more basketball? It seemed like Coach was giving you a hard time, so... Maybe you could have more fun?_ _ _ _

____I grin._ _ _ _

____– Yeah, totally._ _ _ _

____Yeah, there are so much better things to do than spend my time wondering about some lunatic dream._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____On Sunday I'm bored._ _ _ _

____It's one of those days when nothing just goes your way. The fridge is emptier than it's supposed to be, the weather is colder than it should be, the remote goes missing, and when you find it, there's nothing on TV of course._ _ _ _

____And you can't even find your damn socks._ _ _ _

____I think about calling Kuroko. But then I don't do it._ _ _ _

____It's a boring day that's not getting any better, so I do boring stuff. Like laundry. I go shopping for food but forget to buy cooking cream. Soon enough I find myself flicking through the TV again. Then I get so bored I feel like falling off the sofa._ _ _ _

____What is my problem?_ _ _ _

____When this place feels empty, I think of Kuroko._ _ _ _

____When I'm bored, he comes to mind again._ _ _ _

____So why the heck don't I just call him? Do I need a reason to... Right. I don't. I don't need an excuse. Why the heck would I need one?_ _ _ _

____So, I get on my lazy feet to look for my phone, which is missing, too. And when I finally find it, I call him._ _ _ _

____And I know I don't need an excuse, but..._ _ _ _

____– Hey, can you come over and help me study?_ _ _ _

____His breath on the phone sounds like he's suppressing a laugh._ _ _ _

____– What? What's funny?_ _ _ _

____– I thought you didn't waste the weekend on school work, he says._ _ _ _

____– Well... Considering how Coach is, I suppose I just have to suck it up and suffer when there are exams so close._ _ _ _

____– That's probably true._ _ _ _

____– And it's not like I won't be quick to give up if it's too boring, I say. – Then we can do something more interesting._ _ _ _

____– Okay. But it seems like it's going to rain soon. You probably don't want to play basketball in the rain?_ _ _ _

____– We can do something else. Like.. Um... I can teach you more cooking._ _ _ _

____– That sounds good, actually._ _ _ _

____– Great. And..._ _ _ _

____– Hmm?_ _ _ _

____– You can bring the dog._ _ _ _

____Whether I'm going to regret that or not, only feels like a passing though._ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My inspiration songs for chapters 5 & 6:
> 
> We're In This Together - Amy Diamond  
> Clocks - Coldplay  
> When Can I See You Again? - Owl City
> 
> I think my music is just going to get cheesier and cheesier.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A hangout at Kagami's. Those things always seem to go so well...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I have to apologize, because I'm getting so self-conscious about how I've only managed to explore Koganei's annoying side in this fic. But I guess you can never do complete justice to everyone.

# Seventh: It's not weird

# Kuroko

It's a quiet afternoon in the school library. There isn't anything unusual about that. I can count on being left undisturbed whenever I come here between classes. This is the place of peace and silence where I can recharge. Even if it's been a noisy day, even when it's so bad that not only my ears and eyes feel tired and overwhelmed, but even my skin... this is where it all wears off.

This is one of those days.

I'm not sure what makes some days different from others. And I don't know why most people can take all the bustle around them from day to day like it's nothing. I don't know why crowds never make them feel disoriented, or why all the noise doesn't make their head feel heavy on their shoulders. And I don't really know why it happens to me so easily sometimes.

But, I know how to deal with it by now, of course, and most days it isn't really even noteworthy. Even on a day like this, just a little time alone makes all the difference. Of course, I'm not the only one in the library, but it feels enough like it, because you are supposed to leave everyone to their own devices here.

I've been just looking out of the window for a while. It's somehow relaxing, looking at things, and people, from afar. Everything seems a bit more still then, and you can notice details you won't see when you're close.

I still have some time left before the next class, so I start reading the book I'm carrying.

Soon, I hear the library door open, and slam closed. I hear someone's hurried steps get closer behind the bookshelves. They stop right behind me, and pull the chair next to me.

The girl who likes Kagami-kun sits in it. Of course, I can only assume the note was really from her, and not a friend, but I'm pretty sure I'm not wrong.

She looks the same as the first time I saw her, glasses and everything. She's not looking at me, but at the direction of the door. It's obvious she's running from someone, but I don't want to pry. So, instead of commenting on it, I just say:

– Hello.

She flinches, and turns to me, fast enough for her long hair to fly from her back to her shoulder. She just stares at me sharply, motionless, before she says:

– Oh. It's you. Sorry, didn't see you there.

– That's okay.

– Didn't mean to disturb anyone's reading.

– So, you are not here for books, I say.

She kind of snorts.

– Haha, no, unless maybe if it's a non-overdone play, she says, still trying to see the door.

I wonder if she's in the drama club. Considering there is something kind of artistic, even a little bit dramatic, about her confidence and shyness, I wouldn't be surprised.

Then she glances at the novel in my hands.

– I mean, no offense, she adds. – I'm just hiding from my annoying friend. Figured he wouldn't come looking for me here.

– I see.

– Sorry, I'm disturbing your reading after all.

– No, it's fine, I have to go soon, anyway.

– Yeah, I guess me too. I just want to wait until I'm sure he's gone back to class too.

She turns her back at the door and sits facing the bookshelf in front of us, crossing her arms.

– Also, sorry for last time, she mumbles. – To be honest, it was quite humiliating for me.

– It really is okay, you don't have to worry about it.

She covers her face with a hand.

– If only it was just that..., she says with sigh. – But now she keeps pressing me about... Um, no, why would you want to know about that. I already decided not to look for you again. It's so ironic I bumped into you like this. Forget I said anything.

She seems so troubled, I can't help feeling sorry for her. If her question is something I feel I can answer, I would like to be able to do that much for her, so I say:

– So, your friend wants to know something more about Kagami-kun?

She sighs heavily.

– Well, yeah, I'm supposed to ask you if he's already dating someone. But I feel sick about it, I just don't think it's her business.

She really seems to feel so conflicted about this that I'm surprised. But, she did reveal her question quite easily, too, so I suppose she really wants to know.

– He isn't, I say. – I don't think that's a secret.

She glances at me, and sighs again.

– To be honest, I... was kind of hoping he was. So my friend would have a reason to let it go.

Her shoulders really seem to hunch a little bit, like she's disappointed.

– So... It really is bothersome?

– Wouldn't you think it was bothersome, if your friend wouldn't shut up about some random person they don't even know and probably don't have any chance with? Don't you think it would be a bother, putting up with all that hopelessness?

She seems to be really hard on herself, and definitely a bit dramatic.

– Maybe... Um, it could be that your friend just needs understanding.

She rolls her eyes.

– Or maybe a good doze of reality is what she needs!

She sounds bitter, and a little defeated, I can't help but think that. I find myself wondering about just how shy she is under that toughness, having to go this far pretending.

– Oh, I guess we both really need to get back to class, she says then, and gets up fast, heading towards the library door. I get up, and follow her, and once she turns to a different direction at the door, I can't help but call after her:

– Excuse me, would you mind telling me your name?

She stops, looks over her shoulder, and says:

– It's Tomie.

She starts to turn, but then adds:

– I know who you are of course. My friend keeps me updated on everything and everyone about your club.

She turns, and gives a lazy kind of wave.

– So, good day, Kuroko Tetsuya. I hope I don't need to bother you again.

She goes.

Something about her just puzzles me. I just don't have a single idea about what it could be.

 

– Where did you disappear again? Kagami-kun says, turning at the creaking of my chair when I get back to the class.

– I was at the library.

– You could have said something, he mumbles.

– Were you looking for me?

– Nah, not in particular. Just wondering.

– Okay.

I think about pointing out I go there quite often and it's not like he asks where I was every time. At least he didn't before. But, actually I don't want anyone to start looking for me there. Not even Kagami-kun, since library is a place where I go, when I actually need to be alone for a moment. Not that he couldn't figure out it was a logical place for me to be, if he wanted to, I'm sure. Maybe it's just far enough from our class, so that he wouldn't bother?

Kagami-kun has his back towards me again, but I see him glance over his shoulder quickly.

– I guess you just seemed a bit weird earlier.

I look at him in surprise, but it's his back that I'm looking at, again.

– I did?

– You were just... quiet I guess. Well, you are usually. Maybe it's just, like, as if you weren't really listening either, he says, scratching his head. – I guess that was weird.

– I'm fine, Kagami-kun.

– Yeah, okay, just checking, he says, and shrugs.

What's weird is, I suddenly feel a little uneasy. For him to pay that much attention. He's right, I probably wasn't listening properly, before I had the chance to be alone for a moment in the library. I wonder why it would make me uneasy. It's just... a little odd, I guess. It's new. I'm used to no one noticing if I'm in my head for a while, or just go away for a moment.

It feels odd, yes, having to explain. Him noticing I may not have been at my best. I have to admit: Almost like an invasion of privacy.

That kind of thought doesn't seem to make any sense. I don't think I should be bothered by something like that. He didn't mean anything like that with his questions, he was just asking. Just checking, he said. There's nothing in that to be bothered by, is there?

I just want to put the feeling aside.

Soon after the class has ended, when we are still sitting at our desks, the door opens, and... It's Koganei-senpai barging in, followed by Furihata-kun, Kawahara-kun and Fukuda-kun. There's a familiar gleam in his eyes. One can only wonder what kind of a novel thing it is he's seeing in front of them in his mind.

They all hurry beside Kagami-kun, who's just packing his bag, and looks up with a raised brow.

– Kagami! We're coming over to your place, okay? Koganei-senpai announces.

– Huh. You're inviting yourself, just like that?

– It'll be fun! I have this new video game everyone wants to play!

The rest of them look excited as well, nodding behind Koganei-senpai.

– Please, Kagami-kun, it's crowded at everyone else's homes, says Furihata-kun.

– I don't even play video games..., Kagami-kun says with a frown.

– It's okay, we'll bring everything that's needed, says Fukuda-kun.

– Huh...

– It's not like we have practice today, you can't have anything better to do, Koganei-senpai says. Kagami-kun raises his brows.

– You're saying it like I don't have any kind of life outside basketball.

– Well, there's no proof you do! Anyway, I swear it'll be fun! Did I mention it'll be fun?

– Oh, hey, Kuroko is here too, Furihata-kun says, and everyone turns to look at me.

– Right! Koganei-senpai says, blinking. – Kuroko, do you have anything to do?

– Hmm? Not really, I suppose...

– Great, then you'll come too.

– Um...

– Kagamiiii? Koganei-kun almost meows.

Kagami-kun shrugs.

– Uh, fine, whatever, I guess.

– Yeah! Koganei-senpai yells and throws his hands up in the air.

– Great, Kagami, thanks!

– You won't regret it!

– I'm sure you'll be a gamer by the end of the night!

– Uh...

The four of them hurry to the door and tell us to go ahead, they'll show up after picking up ”everything a good gaming night needs”.

Kagami-kun looks at me.

– Video games are probably not your thing, either?

He looks kind of skeptical. Maybe he already regrets agreeing to something Koganei-senpai suggested. It seems that lately, Kagami-kun has decided those things don't usually end well. I can't completely disagree.

– Hmm, I guess you could say that.

– You still wanna try?

I shrug.

– I don't have anything against it.

He purses his lips and says:

– Okay, let's go then.

 

I feel like I've been at Kagami-kun's especially lot lately. After home, and the school gym, it must be the place I've spent the most time at, this past month. He even lets me bring Nigou over. He has suggested it, even, which still sometimes surprises me. Maybe he has really started to like Nigou that much. He wouldn't say that of course, but I think if that's the case, it's really nice.

He also seems to have developed this unexpected habit of asking me what I'm reading every few days. He wants me to tell him what it's about, and what I like about it. Sometimes it's hard for me to summarize meaningfully. Isn't the point of a book exactly that some things can't be expressed with a few sentences? What surprises me, is that he really seems to want to know. I know Kagami-kun isn't much for small talk, maybe even less than me. So it shouldn't surprise me that what he asks, he wants to know.

I also know that he may not always be completely honest when he says he doesn't like, or isn't interested in something. But even knowing that, it seems too weird that he would suddenly develop an interest for both, dogs and books, which never were his thing. Besides, when I once said I didn't want to spoil a plot for him, he just raised his brows and said: ”Doesn't matter, 'cause it's not like I'm gonna read it”.

All this doesn't add up well in my mind. It's impossible for me to figure out what's going on with him.

We are in the middle of the book talk again, when the others arrive. Kagami-kun has left the door unlocked for them, and it's Koganei-senpai, of course, whose voice carries clearly to the kitchen, where we are waiting.

– There has been a little change of plans! he calls from the door with his cheerful voice.

Kagami-kun immediately looks worried.

The others appear then, Koganei-senpai wearing an excited smirk, the others behind him eyeing him with anticipation, so it appears he hasn't told them what the change of plans is, either.

– No worries! It's just more fun for us before the video games! Koganei-senpai says with a laugh. Then he starts searching through his bag. Fukuda-kun tries to peek inside it.

– Patience, guys! Koganei-senpai says. Then he seems to find what he's looking for, but doesn't pull it out yet.

– You'll never guess what I found in my sister's closet, when I was searching for some games she had been hoarding...

And then he pulls it out. Everyone stares.

– Tadaah!!

I'm looking at a DVD case, with a picture of a man, lying on what seems to be an office desk, and a woman, who is pulling at his tie, wearing an outfit that is... not much of an outfit.

– Woah! Is that... what I think it is? says Furihata-kun, leaning closer to the DVD, wide eyed.

– Haha! Well I guess that depends on what you think it is...

– You are the best! Koganei-sama!! exclaims Kawahara-kun.

– Why does your sister have porn? asks Fukuda-kun, with eyes just as large and round as everyone else's...

– Heh! Well why do you think people usually have it?

….except for Kagami-kun. I glance at him, and he doesn't look excited. He's squinting his eyes, and biting his lower lip. To me, his expression seems to say something more like, he should have known Koganei-senpai was trouble. I'm not sure if I'm surprised. I guess I'm not. It's not like I've ever thought about it, but if I had, I probably wouldn't have pictured Kagami-kun being the first in line for something like this. At least not in a group. Maybe I just think he's more private than that.

– You can't watch it, Kagami-kun says then.

Everyone's heads turn to him at once.

– What? Why?

– That's because... I don't have a DVD player.

– Huh? Why don't you have one?

– I just save movies from TV, or download...

– No worries! Fukuda-kun says. – My console works for DVD:s too!

– What are we waiting for then? Let's set it up!

– Hey, wait a sec..., Kagami-kun says with a hand on his forehead, like he's having a headache. – You're not going to have some moronic orgy in my home.

– Pfft! Orgy? It's just one video! Koganei-senpai says.

– What's wrong with you? Kawahara-kun eyes Kagami-kun as if he might turn out to have the flu.

Kagami-kun frowns.

– Nothing's wrong with me.

– Don't you want to see it? Furihata-kun asks with a smirk.

Kagami-kun squints.

– I think I can live without it.

– Hah! I never thought you were so boring! Koganei-senpai says.

Then he turns to look at me.

– Kurokooo, you want to see it, don't ya?

– Um...

– Haha, is this one of those times when your face says nothing but you're actually really excited? Kawahara-kun says.

– That's...

– Come to think of it, you were never into peeking at girls with us, says Koganei-senpai.

– I thought you were just being polite! says Furihata-kun.

– Are you gay?! asks Fukuda-kun.

– No, that's not...

But I don't think they are actually even listening to me.

– Idiot, there's a man in this too, so that's an irrelevant question, says Kawahara-kun.

– Whatever way you look at it, doesn't he look just way too innocent? Koganei-senpai says, squinting at me.

– Hey, shut up already! Kagami-kun raises his voice, but Koganei-senpai ignores him.

Okay... this is uncomfortable. I probably knew there was always a possibility I might end up in a situation like this, around these people. Or any people. Most people. Yet, somehow I didn't expect it to be this uncomfortable. Or did I? I don't think I'm processing the situation very well.

– Poor innocent Kuroko! Let me show you the world!

And with a laugh, Koganei-senpai grabs my arm, and starts pulling me to the living room.

– Um... Koganei-senpai...

That's when Kagami-kun strides beside us and forces Koganei-senpai to let go of my arm.

– You... That's enough! First you make him drink, and now...

Koganei-senpai makes a suffering face.

– Uh, Kagamiii, I have apologized! I know that was stupid! But this isn't anything dangerous...

– This is actually illegal, too, Kagami-kun says.

– Yeah, so what? So are our video games. Do you really care about that?

– Ugh, whatever! I don't care! Watch your porn, just stop bullying Kuroko.

– Huuh? I wasn't bullying. Kuroko, I wasn't bullying you, right... Hmm, where did you go?

He looks in the direction of the kitchen.

– I'll just be here, reading, I say from the living room where I've already moved to sit on the floor, leaning against the back of the sofa. I couldn't think of another compromise Koganei-senpai might accept without a fight. I'm still technically with them, if they are watching the TV in the other side of the sofa.

Koganei-senpai and Kagami-kun turn to look at me. Furihata-kun, Kawahara-kun and Fukuda-kun have already moved in front of the TV, to set it up.

– Beats me why both of you are so boring! Koganei-senpai says, but shrugs. – I was only trying to educate you!

– This book is educating enough for me, I say.

– Okaaay, suit yourself! Koganei-senpai says, and then he pretty much leaps across the living room, where the others are crouching in front of the TV.

Kagami-kun lets out a deep sigh.

– Sorry, he mumbles.

I blink.

– What do you need to be sorry for?

– Uh. I was just saying. Because... all the trouble.

– Maybe they will all be satisfied if you just let them have their fun.

– I guess.

To be honest, he's making me a bit uneasy as well. It probably doesn't make much sense, but I'm a little bothered by it, that he felt like he needed to stand up for me, and put up a fight with Koganei-senpai. I wasn't being helpless. I wasn't just being dragged around. I would have let him pull me to the living room, but I was only waiting for the right moment to slip away, once his attention was not on me... It's not like Kagami-kun needed to... protect me?

I guess that's what it felt like. And now I'm bothered that it bothers me. Why should it bother me?

Also, it means he noticed again. That I was uncomfortable. Why does that bother me too?

– Okay, guys, hold onto your seats, this might be wild ride! I hear Koganei-senpai yell.

Why couldn't Kagami-kun just ignore me like the rest of them, go watch porn, and not make a big deal out of it. Because now he's making me feel almost as if he was only bothered about the video because of me.

But that's silly. He wouldn't know.

– Woah, guys, this escalated quickly.

Besides, now he is sitting there, on the arm of the sofa, not looking completely fascinated like the others, but not uncomfortable either. Now I'm being left alone. So...

I better just get immersed into the book and block out the noise before it's too much to concentrate.

It works out fine for a while, but... How could anyone completely concentrate on something else with all that noise from the video? I'm not that ”innocent”, or thick headed. But... It's still better if Koganei-senpai thinks I am. So, I'm not going to complain about it.

After another while, I'm starting to wonder if I could just disappear. They are all so fascinated by which ever complicated and unnatural position it is they are seeing now, that I'm sure there is no way they would notice.

But just then, Koganei-senpai remembers me. He turns to look over the back of the sofa.

– Hey, Kurokooo... You have at least taken a few peeks from there, right?

– Koganei-senpai, you should probably turn back to the TV. You might miss something interesting.

– Haha, so you have! Knew you couldn't resist!

I suppose it's better to let him think that.

– Now, have your eyes opened to a whole new world? he goes on.

– Koganei-senpai, I think you are exaggerating.

– Haa? Still holding back, are you? I'm getting curious now, do you have any experience-

– Shut your useless mouth, Koganei.

That's Kagami-kun. Again.

– Huuh? Is that a nice way to respect your senpai?

Koganei-senpai squints at Kagami-kun. Kagami-kun stares back.

– We are not at school, this is my home, so you're not my senpai.

– You're just being annoying, Kagami...

– No, you're being annoying. You wanted to watch this, so watch it, and leave other people alone.

– Of course I'm watching this!

Koganei-senpai has turned back, and isn't looking at me anymore. I glance at Kagami-kun. He doesn't look back at me, but keeps his eyes on the TV too. He does look annoyed. But maybe I'm reading him wrong. Maybe he's just too proud to admit he's into this thing, and Koganei-senpai was just ruining his mood, or something. Maybe I was being self-conscious over nothing.

But... To be honest, I am feeling a little sick now. It's just so... unnatural, I guess. All those noises. So... over the top, exaggerated. I think anyone can tell that even if they don't have any "experience". I can't comprehend what aspect of this is appealing. I always think I understand, in theory. Just like everyone else, I have grown up in a world where people generally think this type of thing is interesting. But somehow, this is different. I haven't been in a situation before, where I see so clearly just how into it people I know can be. Their flustered faces. How enthusiastically they react to some details when I can't even understand where they're coming from.

It's not my best day to begin with. I already needed to disappear to the library earlier, because I was overwhelmed. It's better to disappear now, before it's again because I need to.

I slip out of the living room. It's still noisy in the corridor too, so I decide to go into Kagami-kun's room. He probably won't mind, I'll just be reading there, anyway. I sit on the floor, leaning my back to his bed. But I only read for a while, before my eyes start to get heavy. Strange. I didn't even realize I was feeling tired at all.

I'm just going to put the book away for a while...

 

I'm startled awake, when the door opens.

– Here you are, Kagami-kun says from the door. – I called for you.

The room seems darker. I have to squint my eyes at the light coming behind him, from the corridor.

– Nn? Sorry, I must have dozed off for a while. How long has it been...?

– Well, the movie ended, he says.

– I see...

I notice my neck feels sore. I really must have slept for a while, in this awkward position. I try to rub my eyes awake, when Kagami-kun walks over and sits next to me.

– The idiots are lined up for the bathroom, he says.

– Okay...

I fail to supress a yawn, while I glance at Kagami-kun. He frowns.

– What?

– Mm... I was just wondering whether you went first or are just acting tough.

He slaps my head.

– Are you unusually frank, when you've just woken up? he asks.

– I'm normal.  
– Ha. Anyway, I'm not that weak! he says, crossing his arms and sticking out his chin.

– I don't think it's usually considered a weakness...

– Whatever, it's more like the movie just wasn't that impressive.

– Oh?

He turns to me with a frown.

– What? It's not like you were impressed by it either? Why else would you run here?

– I was tired? And I didn't run.

– Yeah, you clearly are.

– ...

– What?

My thoughts still seem kind of hazy, probably because I was startled awake. I don't really think about it, I just find myself asking:

– Why wasn't the movie impressive?

– Why are you asking?

– Just... wondering.

Are my eyes still not working properly, or does he suddenly look flustered?

– It's just not my thing, he says, looking away from me.

I blink. My eyes still feel heavy.

– Hm? Why not?

He sighs, and covers his face with a hand.

– Okay, but don't laugh, he says, and squints in an angry manner.

I just look at him. He rolls his eyes.

– It's cold, he says.

I'm not comprehending. How is it so hard to wake up now?

– What is?

He sighs with frustration.

– Porn, it's totally cold. It's... emotionless.

– Right, I say, and nod. – I suppose it must be...

I blink at him.

– That isn't funny. I thought you were going to say something funny.

He slaps me again, but I don't think he actually looks mad.

– Well, I was kind of counting on you not finding it funny. Or embarrassing.

– That's not embarrassing, I say.

He kind of smirks a little.

– Yeah. I figured if anyone here could think that, it would be you.

Then he turns his eyes at the door.

– Sounds like the living room is about to be conquered again, he says.

– Hmm, I suppose.

He looks at me.

– Are you awake?

– Yes.

– Wanna try those video games?

– ...

– Not?

– Probably not, but maybe I'll watch.

– Okay, let's go, before Koganei comes up with something troublesome again.

– Yes, that would be good.

I think I'm only really awake, when we come to the living room, and it hits me, that Kagami-kun probably just told me something that would be considered really personal. I did ask, but...

For some reason, now I'm still wondering why he answered.

 

I end up at the same place, in the same position as I was during the video. Koganei-senpai challenged Kagami-kun to play against him, so after a lot of arguing it seems he's fired up after all. Maybe Fukuda-kun was right, and they can turn Kagami-kun into a gamer in one night, if they just keep challenging him to beat them.

What they are playing now, is some kind of a battle game and it's no wonder it's not considered appropriate for people under 18 years. I don't want to watch people having their heads, arms, and legs blown off, even if it's just a game. I tried, but it was too detailed. Much worse than the video. Exaggerated moans are one thing, but exaggerated innards... Well, they really make me feel sick.

I'm sure that on a normal day I could have managed. I wouldn't have enjoyed it, but I could have tolerated it all. This just isn't a normal day. I wonder if today would happen to be my unlucky day according to Midorima-kun. Not that I believe in horoscopes.

Everyone else is indifferent to what they see. They enjoy porn and are indifferent to violence. Or maybe even interested in it. I think that is, in a nutshell, what bothers me. Even if I know that it wouldn't overwhelm me on a normal day, even if I know that I can manage even when it does... It doesn't change the fact that I would never feel like them, no matter how normal a day it was.

And that's why I'm sitting here, and everyone else is over there.

I actually shake my head to make that thought go away. It's pathetic, to let a thought like that slip. It's not like there is some magical line separating us. I'm just not there right now. It doesn't mean anything. I'm still here.

I don't like self-pity. There isn't anything for me to be sad or sorry about. It's not like there's anything unusual or abnormal about this situation. It's not like it really bothers me.

That's why I don't want Kagami-kun suddenly starting to act as if it does. As if there's something wrong with me.

 

I must have dozed off for a bit again, because I'm startled by Koganei-senpai's yell.

– Yeah! That was a great night! Thanks, Kagami! Maybe you'll beat me next time! Haha...

It's coming from the front door. Everyone is at the front door already. I get up, and then the door closes. Kagami-kun walks into the living room.

– Phew, they finally left, he almost whistles.

– I guess I'll just go then, too, I say. He tilts his head.

– Really? If you're so tired that you fall asleep, maybe you should just sleep here.

– I'm not really that tired.

– You're not? Then you might as well stay, and help me, he says, walking towards the sofa.

– Hmm? With what?

He grabs the remote control.

– I've been watching more World War movies, you know. But there's this one that seems to be a little too much about books. I'll need you to explain it to me.

I blink.

– You want to watch it now?

– Yeah, why not? It seems like something so slow paced and boring is gotta be great after that noisy bunch and their noisy hobbies.

– …

I don't understand what has gotten into Kagami-kun now. He looks tense. Maybe it's just Koganei-senpai pissing him off again?

– Here, that's it, he says, flicking through the saved movies. – _The Book Thief _.__

__– Oh. I have read that book._ _

__– How many World War books have you actually read?_ _

__– Not that many, really._ _

__– Was it good?_ _

__– Yes, very good._ _

__– So, do you want to see the movie then?_ _

__I never got around watching it, because I just never seemed to be in the right mood for something so sad. I'm not in the right mood now. But... Somehow, I can't seem to come up with a good enough excuse. And maybe... after everything today my nerves have just dulled down._ _

__– Okay._ _

__I guess what's weird is that he wants to see something ”slow paced and boring” so much. But he really seems to. The movie is already starting, so I go and sit next to him on the sofa._ _

__– Maybe this is more interesting than video games, Kagami-kun says._ _

__– Weren't you having fun?_ _

__– Okay, maybe a little..._ _

__Suddenly he starts frowning. He leans a bit forward._ _

__– What the hell is this?_ _

__– It's narrated by Death._ _

__– Yeah, I got that much!_ _

__He frowns at the screen for a moment, then his brows rise in a way that probably means something like ”Whatever, I guess”, and he leans back at the sofa._ _

__It's soon that I discover my nerves are not dull. Everything from the book comes rushing back to me. There's Liesel brought to life. Even thought this movie looks more like a portrait, than life. The book Liesel had messy hair. This Liesel looks perfect from every angle. The book Liesel was feistier. But... It's still somehow the same character._ _

__Kagami-kun doesn't ask any more questions. He still seems tense. I can't tell if he's really drawn into the movie or if it's something else. I can't seem to read him well today. I probably haven't been reading anyone well today. It's days like these when it just seems somehow... hard to see anything clearly. My senses feel dull but my nerves don't._ _

__My mind is running ahead with the story. We are not half way through it yet, but I can't stop it from coming back to me, piece by piece. I didn't realize I had forgotten so much, and I didn't realize I really hadn't._ _

__That's when I remember every time I teared up during the book._ _

__When Liesel read to everyone in the basement. When she yelled and ran after Max in the crowd, in vain. Every time the part of the Death as an observer, never a part of anyone or anything, seemed too lonely. When Rudy..._ _

__Why did I agree to watch this movie again?_ _

__Now I have to bite my tongue so I won't cry. How is it that something like this seems to have happened so many times lately, when I'm around Kagami-kun? I don't really get it. It doesn't feel like I've ”let my guard down”. Because I wasn't really aware of guarding anything. Maybe a situation like this is just something I avoid so naturally that I don't even know I'm doing it. And that's why I don't end up like this, in such embarrassing situations. Except lately._ _

__Maybe I've been around him too much._ _

__That's a... completely silly thought, isn't it?_ _

__But nothing is enough after a day like this. If I bite any harder, my tongue is going to bleed. I press my fingers together and try to focus on that. I try to do the same with my toes. I try to pinch my leg where Kagami-kun can't see. But it's all useless in the end._ _

__Because the bomb goes off and everything and everyone shatters to pieces. Except Liesel._ _

__– I'm just going to get water, I say and get off the sofa. I go to the kitchen, and I don't think Kagami-kun will notice me wiping my eyes._ _

__But what I don't expect is, that he pauses the movie, and follows me. I find a glass fast and get some water so I have something to do._ _

__– Are you... okay? he asks, and stops beside me. I don't want to see his expression, and I don't want him to see my eyes. I drink the water and put the glass on the table._ _

__– Look, Kuroko..._ _

__I can't take that. That softness in his voice. Why is he speaking to me like that? If there's something that bothers him, why isn't he just shouting like always, or grabbing my head or shaking my shoulders?_ _

__I want him to stop acting so concerned, so I just turn to look at him, and say:_ _

__– Fine, Kagami-kun. I'm just weird, okay? I don't like porn, I hate violence, and I cry for sad movies. That's just what I'm like. I know it looks pathetic, but I know how to deal with it, so you don't have to take care of me._ _

__That came out with a lot more frustration than I intended. I'm surprised I said it like that. I'm surprised I said all of that._ _

__He looks surprised too. He blinks. Then he sighs. He looks... relieved._ _

__– That's it?_ _

__I don't understand his question. He almost gives a laugh._ _

__– So, are you saying you were only acting so weird, because you were trying to hide all that? he asks._ _

__I just blink._ _

__– I..._ _

__I don't know what to say to that._ _

__He shakes his head._ _

__– Kuroko, you're an idiot. It's not weird. It's not embarrassing. Is that what you're thinking?_ _

__I look down. He tilts his head._ _

__– I've seen you cry before, you know._ _

__– Saying that really doesn't help._ _

__– Well, sorry, he says, and shrugs. – I just thought something really was wrong with you. But it looks like this is our victory party all over again._ _

__I look up in confusion._ _

__– Well, you got angry at me back then too, because I was concerned about you._ _

__Now he admits it._ _

__– There wasn't anything wrong with me._ _

__– But you were hiding that you were tired._ _

__– You didn't need to be concerned about it._ _

__– But you don't speak! Of course it bothers me when I don't know why you're acting weird!_ _

__But he isn't supposed to notice me acting weird. I'm not supposed to _be _acting weird.___ _

____He sighs, and closes his eyes for a second, then looks at me seriously._ _ _ _

____– Why did you stay today?_ _ _ _

____– What do you mean?_ _ _ _

____– You were, like, so bored that you fell asleep! You could've just said it's not your thing, and left. At the party you could've just said you were tired and needed some air. Why can't you just say a simple thing like that? Why do you need to just disappear? I don't get it! Are you really that embarrassed about things like these?_ _ _ _

____I let out a sigh._ _ _ _

____– You can make it sound really simple._ _ _ _

____– It is really simple!_ _ _ _

____– You... really don't think it's weird?_ _ _ _

____– Huh?_ _ _ _

____– Because most people would think it is weird. What I'm like._ _ _ _

____– Then they are just morons._ _ _ _

____– Kagami-kun, I say with a sigh. – You know how Koganei-senpai and the others acted like, earlier._ _ _ _

____– Them? he says, and rolls his eyes. – They were just being idiots! I'm sure they wouldn't have tried to force you to watch anything if you just said you didn't want to._ _ _ _

____I drop my gaze to the floor._ _ _ _

____– Sometimes, I do wonder if it really is as simple as you say._ _ _ _

____– Look, idiot, it doesn't surprise me one bit that you don't like porn or violence. Of course you don't. You're the vanilla shake guy. You like things like a million stars, and sunsets, and kittens and puppies. Or a sinister force like Death made into a lovable person who gently watches over a sad little girl._ _ _ _

____I stare at him. He stares back._ _ _ _

____– I'm not sure if you're trying to make me sound like an idiot, or..._ _ _ _

____– My point is it's not weird! You're not weird. What's weird is that you seem to think you are. You're fine as you are! People are different. You're just... sensitive. You're just more sensitive than those four thick heads._ _ _ _

____His words feel like a grip inside my throat. I look away, and cross my arms._ _ _ _

____– Fine, Kagami-kun. I'm sensitive. Can you leave it alone now?_ _ _ _

____– Huh?_ _ _ _

____He leans forward, like he's trying to catch my gaze._ _ _ _

____– What are you whining about? he asks. – Isn't it a good thing? Isn't it exactly why you are so much more perceptive than most people?_ _ _ _

____His brows rise. Then he says:_ _ _ _

____– Wait, you really are self-conscious about this, aren't you?_ _ _ _

____That's when my face suddenly gets hot. It surprises me. Even if I am sensitive, I don't often get flustered. Why now? It really doesn't help the situation..._ _ _ _

____Kagami-kun is looking at me too much. With too much intensity. With too much of what seems to be like curiosity._ _ _ _

____I can't help myself, I just need to cover my face in my hands._ _ _ _

____– If you can see it, why are you pushing it, Kagami-kun? I manage to say. – Why are you poking at me like this?_ _ _ _

____What I see of him, seems to straighten up a little._ _ _ _

____– Sorry. It's just that... It's stupid to be embarrassed over nothing. It just... It really bothers me, if you think you can't be yourself around me. You don't have to hide disliking stuff most people like, and you don't have to hide being moved by things. None of those things surprise me. I've been around you almost daily for a year. Heck, I've been around you more than anyone else for a whole year. I would have to be a real thick head if I didn't have any idea what you're like, already._ _ _ _

____I don't even know how his words make me feel. I just know they seem to go straight through me, as if he could touch me on the inside._ _ _ _

____Kagami-kun is not really a word person. I've always known that he isn't. He seems to struggle with finding exactly the words that describe what he means, way more than most people. So, how come can he suddenly say something like that? Something that seems like... As if it's exactly what I needed to hear._ _ _ _

____My arms drop to my sides but I'm still having trouble looking up. Now it's just embarrassing to be embarrassed._ _ _ _

____Kagami-kun moves a little, like he's uncomfortable._ _ _ _

____– Um... Did I say something stupid?_ _ _ _

____I shake my head._ _ _ _

____– No, Kagami-kun. You are just making _me _feel stupid.___ _ _ _

______– Oh. Um... good? Or, sorry?_ _ _ _ _ _

______That makes me smile a little. I glance at him, and he's making his embarrassed face now. He glances into the living room._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Do you still want to watch the rest of that movie?_ _ _ _ _ _

______I nod._ _ _ _ _ _

______– We don't have to if it's too sad, you know._ _ _ _ _ _

______– No, I want to see it. It gets happier in the end._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Right. It would, wouldn't it._ _ _ _ _ _

______– ?_ _ _ _ _ _

______– Well, you liked the book. And you only like happy endings._ _ _ _ _ _

______I'm surprised he remembered that. It's something I said to him once, and we were nearly asleep._ _ _ _ _ _

______Before we go back to the living room, he grabs a tissue from the table and hands it to me._ _ _ _ _ _

______– It's really okay to cry, you know._ _ _ _ _ _

______He says that without looking at me._ _ _ _ _ _

______So, of course I cry again, even though I was thinking maybe I wouldn't anymore. But there's no helping it. We paused the movie in the middle of the bombing, so the worst parts are coming right now. And seeing Liesel kiss cold Rudy for goodbye, actually sets tears rolling down my face._ _ _ _ _ _

______I'm still blaming it on this day._ _ _ _ _ _

______Kagami-kun doesn't look at me or comment on it._ _ _ _ _ _

______When Liesel and Max are reunited, I just press the whole tissue on my face._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Um... Do you want another one? Kagami-kun asks then. I shake my head behind the tissue._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Okay. Just asking._ _ _ _ _ _

______– I... I don't usually cry this much, you know. It's just... I think it has been... not my best day._ _ _ _ _ _

______He sighs._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Like I said, it's fine. You don't need to explain._ _ _ _ _ _

______I feel like I need to. But... then I guess I don't anymore._ _ _ _ _ _

______We're just quiet, and I manage to dry my face during the end credits._ _ _ _ _ _

______– It's late, Kagami-kun says then. – We should probably just eat something and go to bed. You get the other room this time. And I know my pyjamas are too big for you, but you can borrow them..._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Thanks... Oh._ _ _ _ _ _

______– What?_ _ _ _ _ _

______– I forgot to call home._ _ _ _ _ _

______Luckily, it's not that late yet, so I don't get scolded._ _ _ _ _ _

______Then Kagami-kun tries to force me to eat like a horse._ _ _ _ _ _

______– I don't get how you eat so little!_ _ _ _ _ _

______– I eat normally. It's you who eats ten times what a normal person can._ _ _ _ _ _

______– No, I'm normal!_ _ _ _ _ _

______– You don't even believe that yourself. Besides, it's not good to eat too much before going to bed._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Let me guess, it's something your grandmother says._ _ _ _ _ _

______– She does, but it's common knowledge, too._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Yeah, right._ _ _ _ _ _

______– It is. Ask anyone. Ask... Coach, maybe._ _ _ _ _ _

______– Nah._ _ _ _ _ _

______No matter how weird it was, crying in front of him like that, I guess everything just feels normal again. Like… I lost it, and… somehow, nothing bad happened?_ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _ _ _

______It's not until I'm alone in the guest room that I start feeling weird again. I sit down on the floor, against the closed door, because I need to... process._ _ _ _ _ _

______I realized half way through the movie that Kagami-kun probably didn't save it because he wanted to see it, or because he thought it was useful for studying. It was because he thought I would like it. He brought it up because he wanted to cheer me up after seeing I was uncomfortable with Koganei-senpai and the others' activities._ _ _ _ _ _

______I don't know how that makes me feel._ _ _ _ _ _

______In that light, everything else he did today, that I thought was weird, seems to come to place. He told me he found that video cold, so I wouldn't feel like the only one who wasn't into it. Yes, he yelled at Koganei-senpai because of me too, just like I thought. And earlier in class today... when he asked if I was okay, maybe he didn't believe me. Because it was one more time that I ”didn't say anything and disappeared”. Maybe that's what started this whole thing. Maybe that's why he felt like he needed to be concerned about me today. I was right, he was protecting me._ _ _ _ _ _

______I don't know how that makes me feel._ _ _ _ _ _

______But I feel... seen. I feel so seen. And I don't know if I like it or not._ _ _ _ _ _

______It's no use thinking about it, so I slip into Kagami-kun's pyjamas, that are indeed very big, and get to bed. I close my eyes and try to fall asleep without thinking anything._ _ _ _ _ _

______In a moment a realize I'm sniffing the sleeve of the pyjama. It smells like detergent, and... Kagami-kun. It still smells like him._ _ _ _ _ _

______It makes me feel... safe._ _ _ _ _ _

______He made me feel safe today. And... I hated it. I hated it, because... it means I wasn't as fine as I said I was. It means I didn't manage things as well as I thought I did._ _ _ _ _ _

______That's why I'm feeling like this. It wasn't his fault, of course it wasn't. He was just being kind. He fights, and yells, and explodes over nothing, but... He's actually just a very... gentle person._ _ _ _ _ _

______I bury my face into his scent._ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My inspiration music for this chapter is pretty limited, I only listened to one song and it's Finnish...
> 
> Yksinäisyys - Johanna Kurkela


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kagami is in his head.

# Eight: I want to see it myself

# Kagami

Okay, I do suck at comforting people, I know that. I try to cheer someone up, and everything ends up worse than it was. And sometimes when I try to think about it afterwards, I can't even figure out what it was that I did wrong. I'm just a big klutz when it comes to this. I guess I'm too frank and have no idea how to be more discreet. It's like I do either nothing, or too much. Like, I totally blew it with Kuroko the other night. And I still don't know if I should've just left him be.

But... I just didn't want him to feel alienated. I didn't want Koganei dumping his ignorance on him. I didn't want him to feel like the odd ball in that group. And I was right to be worried that he would feel like that. He really did feel like that. The problem is...

I guess it was far more common for him to feel like that, than I thought. And if it's common, then... It's not like I can make it go away just by pointing out it's stupid.

Yeah, I guess this time I blew it somewhere around there.

But...

Still. A small part of me is weirdly satisfied. Because I made him blush so bright. Because he cried for something as trivial as a movie.

But why? Why is that satisfying? Am I some kind of a sadist?

That's what I'm thinking when I get a basketball in the back of my head.

– Bakagami. Get your head in the game!

I frown at Coach.

– Well, I'm not _in_ the game, am I?

– You're supposed to follow it, regardless! Not stare at Kuroko-kun like some rare bird!

– Who's staring?! Who even cares about birds? It's you making me do these stupid toe stretches anyway! My mind is just wandering 'cause it's boring!

She just smirks.

– Not up for a new challenge, huh? she says.

– What challenge? Where did these rubber bands even come from?

She shrugs with a smile.

– It's just something they do... at ballet studios.

I stare at her.

– Then why the hell am I doing this?

She rolls her eyes and sighs.

– Because in the next game we're going to put you in a tutu to distract the opponent! Is that what you think I'm going to say? Moron! Have you ever seen ballet?

– Uh... Probably not.

She sighs again.

– Then I guess you haven't seen how they jump.

That's when she starts going on about some study on comparing of the physique and training of olympic swimmers, football players and professional ballet dancers, and how dancers came on top in virtually everything. I don't even understand half of what she's saying, and my mind starts to wander again.

The next day, at lunch, I'm complaining about it to Kuroko.

– I swear half of the words she used were French!

– Pft.

– Hey! You just tried to swallow a laugh.

– I'm sorry. I was merely imagining Kagami-kun leaping across the whole court in a white tutu.

I grab his head and shake it.

– This isn't funny! Don't you see? Coach has totally lost it! First conjoined twins. Last week she was into acrobatics. Now ballet. Who knows what it'll be next week! A modern art museum?

– Yes, Kuroko says with a hint of a smile. – She could have us search for the soul of basketball in the paintings.

– You're not being serious! Don't you get it! Yesterday, I heard her talking to Captain and I swear I heard the word ”Sparta”.

– Couldn't that be related to something else? Both of them probably have an interest for history...

– How can you not care at all!

– Kagami-kun. I don't think there is anything to worry about. Coach usually knows what she's doing.

– Well, lately it doesn't seem that much like it! She's, like, going through random things, and it's just getting further and further away from basketball!

Kuroko tilts his head slightly and doesn't look any more concerned.

– I think, she most likely has her reasons.

– I'm really not so sure this time...

– I don't think you are giving her enough credit.

– Well, I think you're being too trusting!

He shrugs.

– I suppose we'll figure that out in time.

It's fruitless to argue with him when he's in that unassuming mood. It's hard to argue with anyone, really. I guess Coach just isn't taking as much of her erratic energy out on anyone else.

That day, Coach is at home with the flu. To be honest, I'm slightly relieved at first.

But she has left ”special instructions” for us, which the captain reads aloud.

Each of us is supposed to crash some other club's activities today. We're supposed to just observe, and take note of anything useful that we might see, especially regarding their team work.

I can't say I see the point, but at least it isn't something more annoying this time. Except... I guess that depends on which club I get. There's a number of them that have already agreed, and the captain starts reading them aloud for us to take a pick.

So far everything sounds boring.

– Newspaper club?

Boring...

– Art club?

Way too close to that museum thing...

– Cooking club?

I raise a hand almost without thinking, because that's the first one that will probably be tolerable.

– Drama club?

The captain looks around.

– No one?

– Captain, I would like to.

That's Kuroko, raising a hand beside me.

– Oh, sorry, Kuroko. Okay...

When he gets to the end of the list there's some complaining about the remaining clubs and everyone too choosy is trying to sort it out.

So, we're in for another pointless activity. Soon everyone has gone their ways, and I'm heading toward that cooking club's location. Yay. Can't we just have normal practice

Someone needs to talk to Coach... I don't know what I would say, but I swear, one of these days I'll do something.

I have no idea what I'm supposed to take away from this. What can a couple of hours of watching people cook teach me? There's nothing even remotely new about this.

Besides, I'm probably making people uncomfortable, sitting here in the home economics classroom, wondering about what I should pay attention to. It's just too vague. I bet the coach was delirious with fever when she came up with this.

People just work in pairs, or alone here, and everyone is doing a different type of thing. I just follow someone for a while, and then it gets boring and I move on to the next...

– I knew it wouldn't work!

I hear someone say that with a whining voice, close to where I'm sitting. There's a guy and girl making something together and the guy is frying chicken.

– It never works, I just don't know what I'm doing wrong.

– You're right, it's still dry... Did you turn down the heat? the girl says.

– I told you, I did everything exactly as you said!

I don't know why I bother but suddenly I find myself saying what I'm thinking out loud:

– You should put boiling water on the pan.

Both of them turn to stare at me of course. If I'm not mistaken the girl looks frightened. What is it with people, really? I'm certain I didn't do anything scary, I just gave advice!

– Um... Do you know how to cook? the guy asks. I swear the girl is slowly moving behind him, step by step.

– Yeah, some.

He has the kind of hair that covers his brows, so I only see them when he squints at me.

– Aren't you the basketball guy?

– So?

He squints more. Yeah, okay, this club doesn't have too many guys and even this one looks kind of feminine by some standards, but seriously, his disbelief is annoying.

– So, you really know how to make good fried chicken? he asks.

I shrug.

– It turns out alright.

– Okay. Then get here and tell me what to do.

I can't tell if he actually wants help or if he's picking a fight or something. But I do go over and, seriously, the girl almost jumps out of my way and moves the vegetables she was cutting, to the other end of the table. Like... seriously?

It's too exhausting to try to figure out what it is about me that's so alarming to her. (If I cared every time something like that happened I'd go insane.) So I'll just ignore her and get this thing done.

– So, you should have full heat when you start...

Surprisingly enough, the guy seems to really listen when I start explaining and only occasionally glares at me, which still annoys me, but I manage to ignore it well enough. And, once the chicken is ready and turns out fine, he seems to have stopped. He thanks me surprisingly earnestly.

– Uh, yeah, whatever.

I leave them do their thing and go back to my watching spot.

I still can't say I've learned anything. I've taught someone something. I don't think that was the point of this. Kuroko is deluded, I just can't believe Coach knows what she's doing right now. It's like she's looking for something and expecting it to pop up anywhere, and on top of that she expects us to recognize it, whatever it is, if we happen to see it. Stupid.

– E-excuse me.

I turn to look, and it's the scared girl talking to me from the other side of her work table. She's not looking at me, but keeping her eyes in what she's cutting.

– Yeah?

– D-do you like cooking? she asks without a glance.

– Well enough, I guess.

– I s-see.

Why is she talking to me now? Is this about trying to be polite or what? If she's such a scared person, why even bother?

Uh...

That's not how it goes, is it? You're not supposed to avoid things just because you're scared. Maybe she... is talking to me because I do scare her. (God knows why.) Stupid.

But does it mean I'm a jerk now, if I don't talk to her? What a bother, this kind of situations. I hate small talk. But...

– I suppose you like cooking.

Yeah, idiot, she's in a fucking cooking club.

– Yes! she says, clearly startled, and the knife she's holding, snaps to the table so quickly I'm worried for her fingers for a moment. But this time she glances at me, so maybe I actually managed to do something right.

– I want to be a chef! she continues, with a somewhat flustered face. – Like, hard core grill master!

She sounds excited. Huh, so this scared girl actually has that kind of spirit.

– Yeah, that's all she ever talks about, says the guy, rolling his eyes. The girl sticks her tongue out at him.

– Takeda-kun is mean!

He shrugs.

– I'm just saying.

– No, you're just a snob! Not everyone wants to work at a French confectionary!

– I've never said a word about French!

They both ”hmph” at the same time, and look away from each other. But two seconds later they're commenting on the food and handing each other stuff from half a word.

– So, do you always cook together? I find myself asking.

They both look at me, and then at each other.

– Do we?

– Not really.

– Only occasionally.

– We do so different things.

They look at me again.

– Uh, I was just wondering. You seem to work well together.

– Hmm, really? the girl says.

– I guess. Well, we do most things together, anyway, says the Takeda guy.

– Hmm, I do things with other people, too! says the girl.

– Yeah yeah, I said most things.

– Fine.

I look from the girl to the guy, and back again, and suddenly the girl blushes, and says:

– We're not dating! If that's what you're thinking. We're just, like, best friends!

The guy frowns at her.

– ”Just”? ”Like”?

– You know what I mean! I just hate it when people get the wrong idea!

– Yeah yeah, fine.

– He's not my type! the girl says for some reason, pointing at him and looking at me. She's still bright red.

– Please, Yamamoto, cut it out...

Best friends she says, but for some reason they're still calling each other by surnames. I don't know why I pay attention to that. It's probably not uncommon to get stuck with whatever you first called someone.

The girl glances at me every once in a while now. Maybe it's starting to be disturbing, me being here, watching them. I guess I'll keep my attention away from them now, and see what other people are doing.

Crap, I can't believe it's only been forty minutes.

– C-can I ask you..., the girl starts again. Okay, so maybe I wasn't that bothersome. Or maybe this is just her trying to be polite again.

– What is it exactly that you are supposed to watch here?

Or maybe I am a bother and that's why she's asking. She glances at me with that scared way again.

I shrug.

– No idea.

She glances at me again, and back down at the table.

– Really? That's funny...

She actually looks like she's holding a laugh.

– No, not very funny, I say, and a then the laugh, or, more like a giggle, escapes her lips.

– Our coach has weird ideas sometimes, I explain, since I don't know what else to say.

– Yes, I'm sure, she says with a faint smile. – She seems like such an energetic person...

– Hmm? You know her?

She seems to blush again.

– Well, don't a lot of people now about her?

– I... guess. At least if they're into basketball.

– I... I think it's interesting. Just a little bit...

Takeda guy jumps in again with a sigh.

– You think everything is ”just a little bit” interesting, he says.

– Is that a bad thing? she says with a frown.

– No... But what is your talent going to be if you know just a little bit about everything, or like everything just a little?

– Well, maybe that is my talent!

He shakes his head with a laugh.

– Yeah, yeah.

– He's not serious by the way. He just likes to play the snob, the girl says, glancing at me.

I have no idea how you're supposed to converse with this kind of people. There's obviously not a lot of room there for anyone else when they're together, that's the feeling I get. Even if the girl talks to me every once in a while, it doesn't take long to turn into what I suppose is what they're generally like when it's just the two of them.

Or how the heck should I know. It just seems like I'm mostly air when they talk to each other.

As the time goes by and the clock shows there aren't that many minutes left, I'm relieved but also start feeling the pressure to come up with something useful here... Why the hell do I even feel like that, isn't it obvious anyway, that Coach herself doesn't know what we're looking for? Haven't I been sure of that for long enough?

Some people start packing their things early, so I figure I'll just leave too. I'm not going to learn anything and then I won't bother those two anymore either.

– C-come again! the girl calls after me.

– Idiot, why would he? the guy tells her.

– Uh... I'll be wherever Coach orders, I say, and then I'm out the door. I have to go back because I forgot to thank their club leader.

As I'm walking down the hallways I remember that Kuroko went to see the drama club. God knows why he'd pick that. (Hmm, I guess it does have something in common with books.) And god knows why, but I have an idea of where it is. So, I think maybe I'll catch him there since I left a bit early.

I do find the place, and it seems people are already leaving. I think maybe Kuroko has already left, and I didn't notice him pass by me on the way... It wouldn't be beyond him to pretend not to see me either just so he could get a kick out of making me search for him in vain.

Oh, but there he is. Talking to someone in the hallway. The girl looks vaguely familiar. I have no idea where I've seen her before, but I'm pretty sure I have. It looks like they're pretty deep into conversation. Maybe I'll just wait here, away from them, so they can finish whatever it is.

Then both seem to notice me, and soon Kuroko waves the girl goodbye and comes to me.

– I'm surprised you knew to come here, he says but doesn't really look surprised.

– Yeah, me too.

He falls into step beside me.

– Hmm... Did you have fun? he asks. I roll my eyes.

– What do you think?

– Hmm? Should I automatically think you didn't?

– Well, I would have had better things to do!

He blinks.

– Such as?

– What kind of a question is that! We were supposed to have practice!

– Kagami-kun, you can play basketball any time you want.

– Uh...

– Now, if you want to. I'm sure everyone else is up for it.

I stare at him.

– So... you actually did have fun in there?

– I did, actually.

– Huh. So, what were they doing? Romeo and Juliet?

– No, more than one of them writes plays, so they rehearse original scripts most of the time.

I frown.

– And that was fun? Aren't modern plays always just depressing?

– No, this one was a comedy.

– Huh.

– Someone was sick, so they asked me to read the lines. It was actually fun. I was really bad of course...

– So, you really had fun, huh.

He looks at me, pondering.

– I did... But, Kagami-kun, what's wrong? Why are you in a negative mood?

– Nah, I'm not. I just don't see the point of this. I didn't come up with any big realizations there. Did you?

– No..., he says, scratching his cheek. – I was just having fun. If I'm meant to realize something big, I'm sure it will come to me later.

– Huh.

Coach is a lunatic, and Kuroko... Well, was he always this... chill? Why is everybody acting weird, and it still feels as if I'm the only one who thinks there's anything wrong?

– So, who was the girl? I remember to ask.

– Hmm?

– The one you were talking to just now.

– Mitsuhara Tomie-san, he says.

– Okay...

Doesn't sound familiar.

– Should I know her from somewhere?

He tilts his head.

– I wouldn't know.

– Right, okay.

There's still something that bothers me, but I have no idea what it is. So, I ask:

– What were you talking about?

– Before you came, she was telling me I would have been a great actor if I didn't have so quiet and monotonic voice and ”zero charisma”.

– Huh. So, basically she was just saying that you suck, anyway.

– Yes, I believe that was her point exactly.

I'm still thinking about where I could have seen the girl. Well, at school obviously, but why would I remember her if she was just a random face in the crowd I've never talked to, or seen in any particular situation? There must be something like that...

– Kagami-kun?

– What?

He's frowning just a little bit now.

– Do I really have so monotonic voice?

My turn to frown.

– Uh, yeah, like, totally.

His brows relax but he still looks kind of confused.

– I see...

– What is there to see? Like, don't you know that yourself?

– Well, it's... Not really. I mean, everyone's voice probably sounds different in their own head.

– Uh. I guess.

– Kagami-kun, are you aware of how loud you are and how much you yell?

– Huh? No I don't!

– Yes, you're doing it now.

– I'm not loud, you're just abnormally quiet!

– I sound normal to me. But I still know, since people have told me...

– Whatever, don't complain to me.

– I wasn't. I was just stating a fact.

– Huh. Then what is your point?

– I... don't think there was one in particular. I was just wondering about something I hadn't realized so well before.

– Fine.

– Kagami-kun is oddly obsessed about what the “point” is in everything, lately.

– No I'm not!

He shrugs, and says:

– Okay.

Which is just annoying of course, since I'm totally sure he's just saying it.

Maybe there really is something wrong with me. Not the coach thing, but something else. Because Kuroko is annoying as heck. (That's normal.) And what I think isn't normal is that I don't seem to care for two seconds. No matter how sarcastic remarks I get, or how annoyed that makes me... The next thing I'm thinking about is whether he's coming over tonight.

Seriously, there must be something wrong with me for willingly ending up in the company of someone so annoying so much.

And the thing is, I probably only noticed it, because he's been especially annoying about this coach thing. I wouldn't have noticed if he wasn't being increasingly annoying, and if the time I spend with him hadn't increased as well.

What it makes me wonder is, whether or not it was always like this. Whether or not I cared about him being annoying before. I don't know. But if I didn't, then there was something wrong with me from the start.

I hate thinking about stuff like that anyway, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I don't do anything about it. It's just normal to have him over now. (Plus Nigou.) I don't feel like I'm even making it happen anymore, we just always end up at my place, doing whatever.

It doesn't matter that much I guess. Even homework is somehow more okay, when it's with him. So... So what if he's annoying, too? What should I be alarmed about? Why is getting along with someone who is also annoying, a bad thing?

I don't even know why I suddenly seem to find that kind of question relevant. I didn't even know there was a question like that. I don't go around asking questions. I just... do whatever feels good to me, don't I?

And having him around feels good, I admit that much. So, why is it harder to accept that I'm... letting someone annoy myself... and it doesn't even feel wrong?

Argh. Maybe what's really wrong with me isn't anything at all, except this looping. Why bother. It's just so easy when he's here.

Like, I never considered myself good at teaching, but it's still fun to cook with him, even though he doesn't know shit and I have to explain everything. While, I don't know a shit about books, but it's still fun when I can make him talk about them. It takes a while, but you just have to be a little patient to find the right question to ask. I think I noticed it back when we argued about that Schindler book, that he can be talkative about things that interest him. You just have to hit the right nerve somehow. Easier said than done, but every now and then, I succeed. It's hit and miss. But every time it works, I feel that weird kind of satisfaction again.

And then the dog. What the heck is it, that I'm getting out of the dog? I still catch myself sometimes, realizing I've just been watching it for no apparent reason when it's just sleeping on Kuroko's lap or demanding food or whatever the reason is that it's jumping against his legs or something. It's not like it makes me think about anything. For some reason it just draws my eyes to it, and I can't for god's sake figure out why.

 

Did Kuroko always disappear this much?

This is a bad day anyway, and for some reason the fact that he's just gone, when I look behind me at his desk (after a history class that just seemed to go on forever), makes it even worse. He must do that on purpose. But complaining about it isn't gonna do any good. I can just hear what he'd say. ”I didn't realize you would need to know where I was.” Or maybe just: ”Did you want to talk about something?”. And he would say it with that totally oblivious look that doesn't actually tell anything about whether he's really oblivious or not. And maybe tilt his head or scratch his cheek, and it would also tell nothing about the genuineness of his innocence. And that would be the end of it, because, after all, why would I need to know where he is every break? And I usually don't have anything particular to talk about.

Maybe, the fact that this does mean that I'm getting mad over nothing, is exactly why I get up and walk down the corridors, like I have nothing better to do, when really, I know it's to look for him. What a waste of time. If the history class didn't make me feel bored and dumb enough, this pointless activity definitely does. Speaking of pointless activities, Coach seems to have be taking it pretty easy, for a few days now, after that flu... Maybe she's calming down a bit. Or maybe that's wishful thinking...

I'm barely aware that someone is looking at me for a long time. Just when that pair of eyes is about to pass me by, I suddenly hear a vaguely familiar voice call out:

– H-hello!

I stop, and look down. I really have to look down, because the girl is so short.

– Uh, hi, I say.

She seems to hesitate, then kind of laughs, I guess. That's what it mostly sounds like.

– I wonder if you even remember me, she mutters.

– Uh, sure. Cooking club, I say with a shrug.

She smiles.

– Was it... Was it any help? Whatever it was you were doing there...

I don't know how to answer.

She sort of giggles. Then she looks kind of startled.

– I'm sorry! Were you in a hurry? I was just... Well, I had been thinking about asking you that. If you ever happened to pass by, so...

She still looks as scared as ever. Honestly, I don't understand why the heck she talks to me.

– Nah, not really, I say.

She smiles again, but seems unsure.

– Not really? she asks.

I don't get why she asks all these questions.

– Uh, I was just kind of looking for a friend but... I don't think I'll actually find him.

Her eyes seem to light up a bit.

– Your invisible friend?

I blink.

– You know Kuroko?

– Uh...

She was just smiling but now she looks terrified, again. I don't get why she seems to go back and forth with those two expressions.

– N-no, not really. I just... Uh, like I said, I was just a little interested in your club. So, I've heard things.

– Oh. I see.

I suppose it's not that uncommon for people to take an interest now, after the Winter Cup, or know some things. Even about Kuroko.

She still looks like maybe she's waiting for me to say something. I don't know.

– Yeah, I was looking for him, I say.

– Oh, well..., she says with a shrug. – I won't take more of your time then.

Her eyes linger on me, maybe she's waiting for something again. I don't know what it is, so I just shrug back.

– Yeah, okay, I say. Then I turn back to where I was going. And then she calls out after me:

– Um... See you around!

It makes me frown. Why would I see her around? My class isn't anywhere near here so I don't actually just walk around here much. But whatever I guess, I think, and glance back to her.

– Uh, yeah, I say.

She smiles, and then turns and goes her way. Go figure.

After that I keep walking, but I barely have time to think again, how pointless it is, looking for Kuroko in a crowd of people. Because I actually find him.

I have to squint, to believe my eyes.

He's just standing there, by the window, talking. And I'm not even surprised that it's with that girl again. The drama girl. The one I should remember. Neither of them is looking at my direction.

Maybe I saw him, because he's with that girl. Or maybe because he's talking. Quite a lot. Because that makes him look kind of more animate than usual.

So, I just stop and stand there, out of sight. I wonder why I do that. Why I keep looking. Or why I don't just go over there and pull him back to class with me, after going through the trouble of finding him. I guess I don't want to bother them. They seem to be deep in conversation. It seemed like that the other time I saw them too. They must have been talking about something more than just how bad of an actor Kuroko was.

It's strange. Watching Kuroko from... outside. It's strange.

I'm not used to it. Of course I'm not. Because why would I ever notice him unless he was directly in contact with me? Huh. I guess this is yet another illusion he's managed to create. Although, I'm pretty sure this one is unintentional. And really, it's probably just all on me. How to say it... I mean, of course he _exists_ outside the things I know, the things we... share. Basketball, the team, things like that. Outside... us. I mean, of course. It's just that I've never seen it, so it's been like it doesn't exist. I've never seen him without, somehow, being part of the situation. Not really. So... I guess I just didn't think of him outside... outside the things we both belong to. 

And it's strange. Being just an observer. Him being unaware of me. But... I think that's why I don't go over. Because... I can tell they're talking about something interesting. Interesting to them. Interesting to him. I can't tell what it is, of course, but... It's probably not anything I understand. Anything I can really talk about. It's probably something nerdy. Maybe books. I bet the girl is nerdy as heck. She's in a drama club. I bet she understands all those things about... ”plot elements” and ”themes” and ”imagery” and all those other words I've heard Kuroko use, words that mean nothing to me. All that shit about why different characters are interesting and what they, I don't know, say about humans? All that stuff.

Yeah, I think they must be talking about books. I don't know what else could make him talk that freely. And with someone so new. I almost find myself sighing, at how long it has taken me to get him to talk like that. Then I think, maybe she's not new. Maybe they didn't meet at the drama club. Maybe he's known her for... god knows how long. I wouldn't know, would I? It's not like he tells me things. Not really.

I don't know if this girl is just one of those things ”nobody asked about”. (I did though.) Or if he just genuinely doesn't want to tell me things about his life. After all... he never does. Not unless I ask. Maybe... Maybe I've just been deluded. Thinking that we were, somehow... close.

Ugh, come on. I'm starting to sound really pathetic to myself. I don't even know where these thoughts are coming from. I want to just shake them away. I'm not deluded. He wouldn't hang out with me so often if he didn't want to. And if he really didn't want to tell me anything about himself, he would just answer my questions with one or two words or something. I'm really being pathetic here. What the heck has come over me? Like, I can't seriously be shaken because I just fully realized that someone must have a life outside basketball? Or because there are things that he might rather talk about with someone else than me? That's pathetic.

And... When I look at them, it's not that I'm jealous. No, it really isn't that. (It would be stupid because I do have something as significant as basketball in common with him.) I'm... just a little defeated maybe, because I couldn't talk about nerdy things like that. But...

Even after all those pathetic thoughts my mind just put out, the strongest feeling now is not... negative. It's, like, everything I just thought was nothing but fleeting. And what's left is...

Curiosity? Excitement? Some kind of anticipation? It's probably all of that and other things I can't name.

It's just that... looking at him now, talking, somehow relaxed and... unguarded, I can't help but feel the echo of that satisfaction again. When he cried at the movie. And now I finally know where it's coming from.

No, it's not that I'm some kind of a sadist.

I just want to _know_ him.

There. That almost makes me laugh. It's so simple. Why was I weirded out about something so simple? I just want to know him better than I already do. What moves him, what makes him happy or sad, what makes him angry, all that stuff.

We've been through a lot, right? So I've seen bits of it. Here and there. What he really thinks. What he really feels. But...

Gods of basketball, if you exist, I deeply apologize for this thought, but there _is _more to life. There are a lot of other things to know about someone besides basketball. That's what I want to know, too. The other things. I don't actually care if I'm not the best person to talk about nerdy stuff with. It's fine if I don't always understand. I just want him to tell me. I want him to tell me about things he cares about.__

____

____

And I don't actually care if I can never understand him exactly like he understands people. It's fine if I don't see the same things he can read from people's eyes, when I look at him. I just want to see. I want to see him smile, and laugh, and blush, and cry. I want to see all the expressions, all the emotions I haven't seen yet. It's not enough, knowing that they must exist under the surface. I want to see it myself. I want to see it all.

Do I feel like his blank face is a challenge? Because the more I know him, the more expressions I see, and then he can just as suddenly return into that expressionless state again? So, maybe. But not really. Because he's not some kind of an opponent to defeat. Because this isn't something I need to win. I just want... that instead of disappearing to the kitchen because he's ashamed of crying, he could just stay, and tell me what it is that made him sad. That instead of disappearing to the balcony because he's ashamed of being tired, he would tell me what it is exactly that made him tired. That he would give me the chance to understand, not just assume I wouldn't, or that it's not my business. I want it to be my business.

Yeah. I want that. I want to know him on that level.

I'm just a little bit shaken, when I realize it sounds a lot like what Coach said some time ago. About knowing each other on another level. About knowing the other things. But, nah. This isn't some weird conspiracy. It's just a coincidence. It doesn't mean anything, that one of the random things she's been spouting these past months, just happens to feel right to me. This isn't her doing. This is just me.

The break is going to be over soon, I realize. They're still talking.

I'm still sure that normally I would just go and drag Kuroko away with me, if I wanted to. It's still weird to me that I don't do that.

Suddenly I just find myself walking away.

I'm not sure why.

When he comes back to class I don't ask him where he was.

Turns out it's not the only time I see Kuroko talking to that girl. So, of course I start wondering more and more, what it is they could be talking about. How they know each other. Or Why he hasn't ever mentioned her.

It bothers me that it bothers me.

Ugh.

I almost make up my mind to ask him about her again. Then I remember how I made up my mind to talk to Coach too. I still haven't. What is with me these days, can't I get anything done?

So, I never ask him either. When it occurs to me that I could, I just let the moment pass.

Soon enough it's clear that Coach has not calmed down, after all. One day she divides us into pairs (me and Kuroko together again), hands us all sealed envelopes, and tells us to devote some free afternoon to whatever is inside.

It can't be anything good.

I guess life is just a bother sometimes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is the weakest chapter of all I've written (and I've written about three times what I've posted). But I don't really know how to change it. So, here we go.
> 
> Just one inspiration song for this:
> 
> Outside - Taylor Swift
> 
> (Why do I have so much Taylor Swift...)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title says it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Riko is my favourite excuse for everything.

# Ninth: 20 questions

# Kuroko

It's a rather warm day, only a little cloudy, and the wind is just a breeze here and there, so we decide to meet outside to open the mystery envelope. I've kept it safe until now, since Kagami-kun has been so angry at Coach lately, I thought he might just open it on his own, which wouldn't have been fair.

I suspect it's more than Coach though, what has been annoying him lately. He's been tense, frowning even more than usual, lashing out about little things. I'm pretty sure that asking about it would just annoy him further. So, I've been thinking that it will just pass, or if it's important enough, it will just eventually leak so much that I'll understand. Or he'll just explode all at once, and then I might be able to ask about it.

I don't know if it's the nice weather, or anything in particular, but he doesn't seem angry today. That's the first thing I think about when I see him on the bench, at a park where we often go to play basketball. It's pretty quiet around. He's still wearing thick clothes, and a scarf. He's leaning his elbow over the back of the bench, looking like he might be deep in thought.

But, maybe he wasn't, because he seems to hear my steps on the sand, and turns to look.

– Yo, he says. He really does sound more normal than he's been lately.

I sit next to him and hand him the envelope.

– Go ahead, I say. He almost smiles when he takes it, and says:

– Yeah, let's just get another ridiculous thing over with.

He rips it open, crushing the envelope into a ball with his other hand while he stares at the single piece of paper that was inside. After a moment of silence, he says:

– I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

He tosses the ball of paper into a nearby rubbish bin. Then he hands the paper to me.

_Now, you take these questions seriously, guys! They're completely random, just generated them online, I haven't even looked at them that closely myself, the point is that no matter how personal they might get, each of you takes the time to answer them all in depth. Obviously, this is another trust exercise, so it's not really about the content, it's about being honest. And obviously, how thoroughly you talk and how many questions you skip is directly proportional to... well, you know what! Have fun getting to know random things about each other. There are 20 questions on the other side. Don't skip ahead!_

Yes, we probably really shouldn't be surprised. I hand the paper back to him.

– You can be in charge of the questions, if you want.

He takes it back, but kind of glares at me.

– Aren't we even going to complain about it first?

I'm not certain if he's completely serious or not.

– I don't have anything to complain about.

– Really? You're saying that without even knowing the questions, he says, raising his brows.

I shrug.

– As far as I'm concerned, I don't have any secrets.

He snorts.

– You? he says. – _You_ don't have any secrets? You're totally one of the most secretive people I know.

His disbelief seems genuine. I frown.

– I'm not secretive.

He rolls his eyes.

– Uh, duh, you totally are!

– No, Kagami-kun, I promise I'm an open book.

– Hah! You never tell anything about yourself if you can avoid it!

– No, that's not true...

– It totally is.

– Well, then it's because you don't ask me about anything else but books lately.

– I'm not talking about lately! I'm talking about always!

– What does that even mean?

– You always use ”no one asked” as an excuse not to tell things!

I blink.

– That isn't an excuse. It must be that no one did ask.

– So, what, you can't share anything unless someone asks?

– No, I didn't mean that...

I don't think this is going anywhere. I'm pretty sure I don't completely understand what he's talking about exactly, and I'm also pretty sure he doesn't understand what I'm saying. I don't think he's being fair, because it's not like Kagami-kun himself is the kind of person who would just blab about himself without asking. But it can't be that he doesn't realize that, so I'm not sure where he's coming from.

So, I just say:

– Kagami-kun, why don't you just read the first question?

He frowns.

– Really? You want to answer them?

– Yes, of course.

– Why? he says with a sigh.

– Because it's directly proportional to how much we care about basketball?

He rolls his eyes.

– That's just something she says!

– You took it seriously the first time.

– When I still thought she wasn't mental!

– Well, maybe she's back on track. This seems a lot more similar to the Siamese exercise, than anything she's been talking about lately.

– I think you're just too obedient.

It sounds to me like he needs a push.

– Why? Do _you_ have secrets, Kagami-kun?

– Hah!

– Oh, that reminds me. It's true you didn't want to participate in _Truth or Dare_. I was thinking it must be because you were too afraid of the questions...

– Yeah right!

Then he turns to sit so that he's facing me, lifting his other foot on the bench. He turns the paper and his eyes drop to it.

– Fine. You asked for this, he mumbles. – Okay. One: Who is your best friend?

– Granny.

He looks up briefly.

– Figures. Um...

He stops and squints, almost like he's never thought about the whole question.

– Um... I guess it would be Tatsuya, or Alex, or... you?

He looks up briefly again, then at the paper.

Me?

I wasn't expecting that. It just never occurred to me that he could think that highly of me. It just didn't. That he would put me in the same category with those two. And I can't pretend that, hearing him say that, something didn't feel like jumping inside of me. Besides, he was right. I almost can't believe it. But he was right about me. I stop myself from letting out a sigh.

One word. It took him exactly one word to make me realize again, that I'm dishonest. That I am secretive. One word to make me ashamed about insisting I was... an open book.

What an outright lie.

I just trusted that I had enough safe answers. Answers that aren't lies. True enough, and impersonal. Answers that can't make me feel insecure in any way. Am I so used to being guarded like that, that I don't even notice it myself? Not unless someone says something that feels so much like a punch in the chest.

Kagami-kun did that by simply being honest. I feel stupid. For not even making the slightest effort. This is a trust exercise. And I was going to go through it without having to trust at all. It's only the first question, and he's already doing so much better than me. He's already made me realize how much of a hypocrite I can be.

I'm an idiot. It's just Kagami-kun. I don't need to give him ”appropriate” half truths.

I need to make some effort.

– So..., I say, right when I find my voice. – I think the point of this exercise was to elaborate.

– Right, he says, shrugging. – You go first.

– Okay.

I take a deep breath.

– I dislike this kind of questions. I don't feel comfortable choosing my favourite person. But it's the kind of question you run into, you can't help it, and it's better to have an answer when you do. It's more trouble to say you don't want to choose. And that's why my answer has always been Granny. Because it could be her. But it could be other people. It could be you too.

He looks up quickly.

– Yeah, that's it, he says. – That's why I don't like it either. ”Choosing your favourite person”. That's what it feels like. Huh. I just didn't know how to say it. But that's it. Man, that's just dumb.

Then he sort of laughs and shakes his head.

– But of course you would go through your life obediently answering it anyway. Just 'cause you don't wanna cause trouble. Haha. That's so you.

I'm not sure what is amusing about that. And I have a vague feeling that I should maybe feel insulted. But for some reason I can't hear insult in his voice. All I can think of to say is:

– You answered it too.

– Like this even counts, he mumbles with a laugh.

– Okay. Maybe it's your turn to elaborate, Kagami-kun.

– Nah, you're not done yet.

I blink.

– Well, you didn't tell me anything about your grandmother, he says. – Why you're so close.

I stare.

– What? he says with a frown.

– It almost sounds like you want to do this ”ridiculous thing” thoroughly now.

He shrugs.

– Well, aren't we supposed to spend a whole afternoon with these? It's not going to take that long if we don't answer... thoroughly. Besides...

He adjusts his position on the bench slightly, like he's ready to listen.

– I'm not uninterested. To hear about your grandmother. Seems weird I don't really know anything about her.

– I see. Okay. Well... She's... a wise person. And... informed. Knowledgeable, and just... understanding.

I need to stop to gather my thoughts. Kagami-kun just waits in silence. I'm looking at the trees on the other side of the park, but I can see he's looking at me attentively. I guess I'm just finding it a little hard to believe he actually wants to hear this. But it seems like he does. I should just believe what he says.

– She has always been there. She was always home, more than my parents. She told me stories, read me books, and taught me to read, too. And she... always, somehow, knew how to make me talk about anything that was on my mind, even though, most of the time I had no idea I needed to talk. Um... Not that it's not like that now. It's still like that. She still makes me talk. And she... still tells me stories.

I glance at Kagami-kun, but it seems he's decidedly not saying anything. Like he just wants me to continue.

– On the surface, she probably seems very different from me. She's... erratic, and energetic, and funny. She can talk for hours, barely blinking. But... she's also not as wild as she seems. She loves to be at home, treasures alone time, and buries herself in books. I think she must be... the most well-rounded, the most self-actualized person I know. And maybe that's at least partially why I've always felt completely at peace with her. Because... she seems to be at complete peace with herself, and other people, at all times. I... wish I could be like that too.

I stop, and then I feel like facing Kagami-kun, like he's facing me, so I turn to sit with both of my feet on the bench.

– Wow, he says and scratches his head. – I... can't imagine having that kind of a relationship with a grandparent, he says with a shrug.

– I have come to realize it's rare.

– Yeah, I'm pretty sure it is. The age gap is just... well, huge.

– Growing up, I always thought it was because of her age, that Granny seemed to understand everything.

– Doesn't seem like that's what aging really does to most people, though.

– No, I've come to realize that, too.

– You're lucky, he says. Somehow, it seems to me like he means more than just that I'm lucky my grandmother isn't... behind her time. And it makes me smile.

– I know, I say.

There's a silence.

– I think, now it's your turn, I say.

– Yeah, okay.

He's rolling the paper in his hands, then opening it, and rolling it back, tighter and looser.

– It's not really fair though, he says then, his eyes on the paper. – Because I gave you a list.

– You can just tell me about one.

– Okay.

He rolls the paper into his fist, and then turns to look to the other side of the park. I try not to stare at him, to give him time to think.

– Well, you could be my best friend, because... you're really easy to talk to, he says then.

Now I'm glad he let me talk without saying anything, because it means that now I can just do the same. It’s just… hard to look at him, when he picked me.

– Because..., he continues. – I can count on you to call out my bullshit and punch me in the face when I don't want to know that I need it. When I'm so out of it that it's the only language I understand anymore.

He grins slightly. Then looks more serious again.

– And I'm at ease with you too. I mean... you said you wanted to be like your grandmother. Like, a peaceful person or something. I think you already are like that. At least you feel like that to me. Even though... Even though I sometimes think you should be more... assertive. That you don't put up enough of a fight with people unless they're bothering someone else. Well, then again, I realize it's just part of how... accepting of others you are. And in the end, I think that's what makes me feel at ease with you, so... Uh. I don't know if that made any sense.

Honestly, the only thing that excuses Kagami-kun's ability to make me feel exposed and embarrassed is his complete unawareness about it. And he says _I_ say embarrassing stuff?

– Sure, I shall continue to punch you in the face, I manage to say.

– Haah.

– And Nigou will help.

– Now you're just making fun of me. I was serious, you know.

I know, but I can't figure out a thing to say to that. So I say:

– What is the next question?

He rolls the paper open and looks at it.

– Two: Did you cry a lot as a child?

He looks to me.

– It's your turn to answer first, I say.

He raises his brows.

– As if I can remember something like that. I don't know. All kids cry I suppose. I doubt I was anything special. Hard to elaborate on that.

– Hmm... You must remember some incident.

He frowns.

– You want to hear about an incident when I cried as a kid?

– Well, since you didn't have anything to elaborate on...

– Fine, okay, he says and squints while he's thinking. – Um... I got lost in a store once.

Somehow, that makes me smile.

– I suppose everyone did, I say.

– Yeah, I guess.

– Did they call your name on the speaker, and everything?

– Yeah, the whole deal.

– That never happened to me.

– Huh? I thought you must have been left behind a lot as a kid.

– Hmm. I was, at school. But my parents were careful. I guess I was too. When I got lost I usually found them before really getting scared.

– Hmm. I guess that makes sense too.

His eyes move from corner to corner as he ponders.

– Well, I don't even remember the details, so maybe it's your turn.

– Okay. Well, apparently, I did cry a lot.

– Huh.

– So easily that my parents would have been worried if I didn't also laugh just as easily. That's what I've been told.

He smirks a little.

– Do you find it funny?

– Nah, he shrugs. – Not really funny. Just... interesting.

– Why is it interesting?

– Well...

He pauses and suddenly looks more serious, before he says:

– I guess you've just changed a lot.

I don't know what to say at first. I guess it's just weird to me, being the subject of the conversation like this. Then I just shake my head.

– Kagami-kun, don't you think everyone has to grow a thicker skin while growing up?

I don't think he can disagree with that. He just looks at me for a while, and then back to the paper.

– Three: Were you scared of the dark? he says, and gasps with frustration. – What the heck is with these questions, what kid wasn't?

– I wasn't.

He shoots me a look of disbelief, but then just frowns and sighs.

– Yeah, of course you weren't. What was I thinking.

Then he frowns more and says:

– _Really?_

– Yes, I always liked the dark.

– Huuh.

– What is wrong with that?

– You're weird.

For some reason it feels like he doesn't really mean it, like he isn't really as annoyed as he seems. So, I continue:

– If I was home alone, I sometimes turned off all the lights and pretended there were ghosts, and that they could talk to me.

– What the actual fuck.

He gawks at me.

– Granny told me a lot of ghost stories. So, I pretended they were real.

– What the... Ugh.

He leans his head into his hand. For some reason, I find his reaction rather amusing. Yes, I already know he doesn't like ghosts and that's why it probably just counts as teasing, but I can't help asking:

– What is it, Kagami-kun? Didn't you play pretend games?

– Well not that kind!

– Why not?

– What the...! I would have, like, died! From fear! he says, and stares at me with a challenging look, as if I might laugh or something, before he continues: – Yes, I admit it! Because that's normal. You are not normal... Geez, I wouldn't have slept for a year, if I did something like that...!

It's fun to see him get so worked up about this. It's fun because... I realize, he's not really so serious. The more he calls me weird and abnormal, it actually just seems like he's admitting a weakness. And there's just something funny about the way he does it. The challenge in his eyes isn't real, and I think I'm supposed to know it.

Maybe that's why I do start laughing a little.

– You think it's funny, huh! he says, like he's angry, but I can tell he isn't.

I like it when he gets like this. I like it that there is, after all, a little room for self-irony in him. I suppose that does mean he is at ease with me. It means I don't threaten him. I like that.

– So, you did fear the dark, I say.

– Duuh, he lets out.

– You still do, I say.

He's looking at the paper again, but glances up briefly. I think he can tell I'm not mocking him.

– Well, not like a kid, anymore, he says rather quietly. – But I'm not a fan, okay?

– Yes.

There's a silence. Then something just comes to my mind, so I say it.

– You're probably at least a little bit right, though.

He looks up.

– About what?

– That I'm weird. That you're normal. I've heard it's in human nature to fear the dark.

– Yeah, totally.

– But, it would only be that way because humans came to rely on sight the most of their senses. Just because you can't see in the dark. So, it's really just an instinct to prevent you from ending up in a situation where you would be disadvantaged compared to other animals, because you couldn't see a danger. But really, it makes no sense to be afraid in a safe environment. Instincts can be wrong. Your room doesn't suddenly change or become dangerous because it's dark. It's just your mind tricking you.

He rolls his eyes and says:

– How about we leave it at the part where you were weird, and I was normal?

That makes me smile.

– Whatever gets you asleep at night, I say.

– Haa haa. Next question.

He starts to roll the paper open again, and suddenly I can't help but feel a small... rush, of something. Anticipation, I guess. And that's when it hits me, that this is actually... fun. It's... exciting. Who knew, that just sharing this kind of little things, could feel like that? To be honest, it does make me feel a little silly. Feeling that, thinking that.

But then something gets my attention.

– Kagami-kun, you can't skip a question.

He looks up, and the guilt is obvious.

– I didn't, he still says.

– Well, you tried.

He sighs.

– How can you know?

– Your eyes skipped a line.

He shakes his head.

– Well, you're too observant for your own good, he says.

– Okay, now I'm interested to hear what could have made you skip.

He raises his brows and says:

– Fine. Four: What is your sexual orientation?

For some reason, now I just find his hesitation irritating.

– Really, Kagami-kun? That's all it takes for you to give up on the ”directly proportional”...

– Whatever..., he mutters, and blows out air dramatically.

– I can answer that, I say.

– You don't have to.

I don't have to? Somehow, I find it more irritating that he would assume I'm the one bothered by that kind of question.

– Why not? I ask.

– Because, I already know you're asexual.

I just stare at him for a while.

How does he even know that word? I just need a moment, because I wasn't prepared for him to even know that word. Not that I was any more prepared to explain it. But I thought I would need to. I thought, that just like that, suddenly the time had come. The first time I would have to use that word aloud, and explain it to someone.

But, I don't?

– Oh.

That's what I find myself saying. Then:

– How did you know?

He frowns.

– Seriously? It's pretty damn obvious.

I blink.

– It is?

– Have you forgotten your drunk confessions?

Right. That. That still makes me so embarrassed, I drop my gaze.

– It's not really like I remembered it in the first place, I say.

– Well, that, added up with everything else. Like, how much you don't like porn. But, if I had ever thought about it before, I'm pretty sure I would've assumed that's what you are. Because you've just never seemed interested in anything... related. Really, you're not _that_ mysterious.

Once again, I have no idea what to say.

Kagami-kun has known all this time. And he... didn't care one bit. It sounds like he didn't. Like, it wasn't even worth mentioning. It sounds like it's completely normal in his eyes.

– I'm surprised... that you would know a word like that existed.

He rolls his eyes.

– Yeah, you keep thinking I'm ignorant, huh?

– That's not... I mean, really, not that many people still know about it.

– Yeah, fine, I get it, he says, and scratches the back of his head. – I'm... pretty sure I wouldn't know, if I hadn't... looked stuff up. Because, I guess I'm kinda pan. So, that's why I know. I just happened to come across it.

Then he looks at me hesitantly, and says:

– Uh, you do know what that means, right?

– Yes, thanks to Granny.

– Really? he says, frowning.

– Yes, really. She's very much into anything concerning human rights. She's the one who told me about asexuality. I might never have looked for anything like that. Everything I know, I owe to her.

– Huh, he says, shrugging. – When did that happen, then?

– When she realized I was more bothered about getting Valentine's Day chocolate from someone, than about the years I never got any.

– Right, he says, nodding, then gives me a sideway glance. – Momoi?

I glance at him.

– Who else, Kagami-kun?

– Right.

The silence gives me a chance to remember something.

– Actually, I should confess that I probably figured out something about you, as well, I say.

– Hmm?

He tilts his head.

– What? he asks.

– Aren't you also kind of demi?

Somehow, I just feel like it isn't inappropriate to suggest that in this context, anymore.

But then he squints hard.

– A what? he asks.

Oh. So that's where his knowledge ends. Then I have to do some explaining after all.

– That's also a prefix. Like, demisexual or demiromantic. It means someone who could only be attracted to people they know well, people they... have a bond with.  
His eyes widen just a bit.

– Oh! So, that's a thing. Huh. I see... But why did you figure that?

– Because... didn't you tell me once that you couldn't be interested in someone you didn't know?

– Oh... I guess I did.

– Also, I... did think that was why you find porn cold. Because there's no personal connection.

He just stares at me for a while. I begin to wonder...

– I... I'm sorry if I said too much, I say.

He immediately shakes his head.

– No, no, I'm just thinking it makes sense!

– Oh.

Then he rubs his forehead.

– I was just processing. Back when I looked stuff up, I heard about two kinds of pansexuals. Those who just basically liked any gender, and those who didn't really see gender, or appearance, at all, and were attracted to people based on personality. I just figured I was more like that second type... But, you know, what you said might actually make more sense.

Suddenly, he leans his face to his hand, and starts to laugh.

– Damn, this whole conversation is crazy, he says.

– Hmm?

– Well, I've never talked about this kind of stuff with anyone!

– Right. I haven't either. Except for Granny.

– Like, this was just question four, and I'm, like, a million times wiser than I was half an hour ago.

He still laughs. I can't help but say:

– Then, I think you owe that to Coach.

– Yeah, right, he says with a smirk. – It's not Coach, it's just that most of the time, when I finally get you to open your mouth, I learn something new.

– Oh...?

– We should do more talking.

– Aren't we always talking?

– Not quite like this.

– I... guess.

I guess I can't come up with anything more to say, because I'm still taking in how... relaxed Kagami-kun looks now. Who would've thought that talking about something so personal could make him relax. Or something as trivial as the couple other questions.

But... It's not like I'm not happy. I'm happy we can talk like this, without him getting all grumpy or defensive. And without myself... feeling the need to avoid any questions or answers. It's... liberating.

When did it happen? When did it become this easy to talk with him?

– Okay, let's talk about the next question then, I say. He smiles, and gets up, saying:

– Let's take a walk while we do that.

So, we walk and talk.

The questions get silly. We agree that no one can possibly decide on their favourite song, or their most embarrassing moment. But then, that just means we could talk about the options forever. We even get into arguing about which one of us is more awkward. I'm honestly surprised that Kagami-kun seems so eager to claim the title.

– Okaay, Ten: What do you envy about each other?

We are walking through another rather quiet park, surrounded by awakening cherry trees. The day has become even more sunny now, so the sparse shades of pink seem bright for the first time this year. Maybe this is the day, that it really starts feeling like spring.

I think about saying as much, but, I realize I'm the only one with any interest for the trees, so, I just remind him:

– It's your turn.

– Yeah, um...

He scratches his head.

– I guess... that would be... how well you... express yourself.

I actually stop walking to understand what he just said.

– What? I ask, staring at him.

– What what?

– You... Are you serious, Kagami-kun?

He frowns.

– What do you mean?

– What do I... Kagami-kun, isn't that... like, the most obvious thing about me. That I _don't_ know how to express myself. Do you think I'm not self-aware enough, to know that?

His brows rise and his eyes widen a bit, with realization.

– Oh, right, I don't mean that. I mean, yeah, you're quiet and all, sure. You don't express yourself strongly. I don't mean that. And you don't usually talk much and all, but... when you do talk, it's always... to the point? How to say it... You have... clarity. In your expression. You're a word person. You always know how to say things. You don't need to waste energy in expressing yourself strongly, because you get your point across without it. That's what I envy.

I stop staring at him, and finally start walking again.

– I struggle with that, he says, his eyes on the road. – Everyday. Maybe... Maybe I wouldn't yell so much, if I could put things into words like you.

– Kagami-kun?

– What?

– You're doing it fine right now.

He glances at me.

– Well, I did say you're easy to talk to.

His honesty today, it's... disarming. I don't even know what to do with it. Could we really have talked like this without Coach's questions? It seems now like we could have. We could have, we just... didn't. And why? Because it's not... typical? Because it's not… scripted… into any social interaction?

– It's just that... Whenever I'm even a little bit under pressure, all the words I know seem to just go... poof. In the air, he says then.

I've known this, of course. I've always known that. As I've always known it doesn't mean he doesn't think. He just doesn't know how to say what he's thinking, and you don't actually need words to think. But it's only now that I completely realize... I haven't been aware of how deeply he actually thinks.

I've always known he _feels_ deeply. I've always taken him for a feeling person. And maybe it's true, in some sense, but... Just the amount of times I've been completely taken by surprise today, proves that his thoughts are actually a lot more complex than I ever gave him credit for.

Does this mean that I... actually, without knowing it, looked down on him, because he's not... a word person? Did I feel, in some sense, superior, just because I don't feel a disconnect between my thoughts and words? Just because I'm good with language. Because I'm... privileged, in this area.

At first, that thought is just alarming. Because that's not the kind of mistake that I'm supposed to make. Because life should have taught me not to judge others based on abilities. Because I've thought that ”I should know”.

But, it isn't like that. Being disadvantaged, and judged for abilities, no matter how much, or how often, or in how big of an area in your life... does not magically make you immune to making the same error with others. Not even your closest friends. No matter how much I want to treat everyone fairly.

As we walk, Kagami-kun leans forward, trying to catch my gaze.

– Hey, what's with that face? he says. – You're not feeling sorry for me, are you?

I look up to him.

– Of course not. It would be simply annoying, if you were good at everything.

– Haha. Right.

– But...

He frowns, like he's expecting to hear something he won't like.

– If you ever... feel trapped in your head... maybe... let me help you out of there?

His face relaxes, and he snorts.

– Trapped, huh? How dramatic.

He looks away.

– But, okay. I'll try to remember that, he says, then turns to look at me again, and says:

– So? Which of my many awesome qualities do you envy?

That makes me chuckle a bit, and then I take an unnecessarily long time to think, just to keep him wondering.

– I suppose it would be your honesty, I say then.

He raises his brows.

– Really? You think I'm honest all the time?

– No. It's more like... You don't need a permission to be yourself.

He frowns deeper.

– Of course I don't. What does that even mean?

– Well...

I fall into silence, but then an example comes to me.

– You just said it today. You said I probably answered that best friend question... obediently, through my life, regardless of what I actually thought about it. You wouldn't do that. You wouldn't be afraid of causing trouble to say what you really think. You would just call it... call it ”bullshit”, and move on.

He gives a laugh.

– Wait, did you just use the word ”bullshit”?

– Well, you would say that.

– Haha, yeah, sure.

He's still looking at me with wonder, like I said something hilarious.

– So... I guess, I, too, think that I should be more assertive, like you said, I continue. – More honest. Less... appropriate. I shouldn't go along with things that are not in line with how I really think.

– Well..., he says with a grimace. – It's not like you never put up a fight. I mean, I guess, when it really matters, you can do it. When it’s something big.  
I look at him, and sigh.

– Don't you think that things wouldn't get so big, if I could do that sooner? If I was less accommodating to begin with, all the troubles wouldn't... pile up? If I could... If I could say a simple ”no”, to things I'm not really okay with... I wouldn't eventually end up... having to scream a big one, worth of all those hundred smaller ”no”s I didn't say when I had the chance. If I could just speak up before I am... and everyone else is, up to our necks in the mess...

My voice trails off. I realize what I said turned into a rant just now. It wasn't supposed to, but... somehow, I got carried away. When was the last time something like that happened?

I hear Kagami-kun sigh. I glance at him.

– Kuroko...

He sighs again.

– Okay, what you are saying may be kind of true, but... You take way too much responsibility and guilt. Way too easily.

I frown at him.

– Are we just talking about my faults now?

– Well, you asked for it. It's just..., he says, with a frustrated wave of his hand. – It's not like other people aren't responsible for their own problems. And it bugs me to hear you talk like they're not.

– That isn't what I meant.

– Well, that's what it sounds like.

– But, Kagami-kun, don't you ever feel guilty, if you think that maybe you could have prevented something from happening. It's not like taking responsibility over everyone... it's just that if you see what you could've done differently...

– Kuroko.

Now he waves a hand in front of my eyes.

– That sounds to me _exactly_ like taking responsibility over everyone, he says. – Just... please, quit doing that. You'll just wear yourself out and no one's gonna be any happier.

I look at him, and he stares back with that serious, intense look. I try to think of something to say back, but... I decide it's not worth it. Because, I know that in some sense, he is right. I turn away and let out a sigh.

– Okay, I say. – Since you're the one who knows how to be assertive in the first place, I'm going to take your word for it.

– Yeah, he says with a nod, before turning back to the paper. – Okay, the next one's a bit lighter. Maybe?

– Okay. Go ahead

– 11: What would your life be like if you were the other gender?

– At this point, I'm pretty sure we can make that... not light.

– Yeah, well, anyway... your turn, he says and shrugs.

– Okay, hmm...

I suggest we turn back, because we are coming to a busier area, and it feels more difficult to talk there. So, we walk back the other side of the park, where there's another sand roan and a low stone wall going along the side of it.

– I'd like to think everything would be mostly the same, I say. – I would still play basketball, just in a different team.

– Yeah, and you'd be wearing a skirt to school, Kagami-kun says.

– Hmm...

I look at him in silence for long enough to make him irritated.

– What? he asks, frowning.

– Nothing, I say, and continue to stare. – I'm merely picturing you in a skirt.

He rolls his eyes.

– We're still talking about you!

I turn my head away.

– I know. I was saying... Yes, I know some of the messages I would receive from society would be completely different, and it's impossible to predict how exactly all of that would affect me, but... considering what my parents, and Granny, are like... I doubt my upbringing would be much different. I'd like to believe I would still like the same books, the same foods, the same weather... Everything that really matters, would be the same. I would just, still be me.

I turn to look at Kagami-kun, and he smirks.

– You forgot the most important thing, he says.

– And what is that?

He whispers dramatically:

– You would have to sit to pee.

I chuckle.

– Yes, Kagami-kun. I believe you truly nailed the most life changing factor.

He laughs, and then sighs loudly, looking relaxed again.

– I have to admit, I like your answer.

– Hmm? What were you expecting?

– I... don't know, he says slowly, his eyes moving from corner to corner. – I guess you could've just said it's too hard to imagine being a girl.

I find myself tilting my head at him.

– Why wouldn't I be able to imagine it? I read books, Kagami-kun. I could imagine being a dragon if I wanted to.

– Why would you ever..., he starts, then rolls his eyes. – Never mind.

– Are you saying it's too hard for you to imagine?

– Uh...

He squints hard while thinking.

– Not really? But kind of...? I mean, I can't guess, with any kind of certainty... about what would be different and what wouldn't. I mean, you said all that stuff about society's messages and all, but honestly, the peeing thing was my first thought when I read the question, so... I just don't have that kind of imagination. Sure, I can imagine things, like, random stuff, but... I can't just... put it together like you did. Not like that... like, uh... in a large scale?

– You can adopt the main point of my answer, if you liked it.

– Yeah, that'll work.

He gives me a long look.

– But... To be honest, that's not why I wasn't... expecting your answer.

– Hmm...

I look back at him, wondering why he looks kind of... wary, if not guilty.

– Correct me if I’m wrong… But could it possibly have something to do with that persistent reverse culture shock of yours?

To be honest, I'm not completely certain it's okay for me to joke about that, because I'm not sure he's over it yet, but... I took the risk. He only hits my head with that rolled paper in his hand, and lets out a somewhat defeated sounding sigh, so, I suppose it was okay.

– Yeah..., he mumbles. – Reverse culture shock. I guess you can call it that.

He looks somewhere over the trees.

– Well, yeah, it wasn't just basketball that bugged me when I came back here. It was... pretty much everything. And yeah, also how... gendered everything here is. It’s just so… I’m still not sure how I’m supposed to act all the time and can’t, for God’s sake figure out why I need to do certain things. So, excuse me if I sometimes get tired of all... all the fucking role play in this country. Or if I have my doubts about a Japanese person's opinion on a question about gender.

– Oh.

– Yeah.

We walk just for a moment, before I say:

– To be honest I didn't think you thought about things like that.

– Well, I didn't before coming back here! I had not reason to care before. But in this place... how could I not become aware of it? Even though I'd rather not think about stuff like that. 'Cause, you know what, I suck at thinking about stuff like that. That's what I've learned since coming back, he says, shaking his head. – I've learned that gender roles are convoluted and deluded and unnecessary, and that I don't have the slightest idea about where most of the people arguing about it are coming from. And that makes my opinion seem like the dumbest of them all.

– And, what is your opinion then?

– It's not really even an opinion. It's more like I've given up on it.

– Okay...

But I want to get it out of him, so I say:

– Then, what is your given up -message to the gendered society?

He exhales so that his shoulders drop, and says:

– Something like: ”Whatever, get a life, girls are just guys with their balls on their chest.”

He doesn't look at me, but of course, he's waiting for my reaction.

– Well... At least your language would distract everyone.

I say that, but really... I don't care how he put it. I'm actually just happy to hear something so... refreshingly provocative. Because... I would never say something like that. I probably would never have even thought about something like that. Something so black and white. Something so ignorant of the feelings of everyone related to the issue. I couldn't just say any opinion as if it existed in a vacuum. But he can. And that's refreshing. There's a sense of... freedom, in the way Kagami-kun can say things. And even if I'm too aware of all the countless viewpoints to an issue to ever be as blunt as him... It's still refreshing to know, to feel, that a freedom like that exists.

I know that what he said, may sound like apathy. It may sound like it's coming from nothing more than frustration with a culture he can't fully adapt to. And that probably is the main source, anyway. He did say he wouldn't have even cared, hadn't he come back here. So, of course it's all mostly because he's the one who feels limited in this environment. Because he doesn't like... ”role play” dictating how he should behave and treat others. Because he would rather have his own rules.

So, I know that coming from him, it's more of a cry for personal freedom than a concern with equality, but...

Then again, he has shown me before, that he has a capacity to care about that kind of things too. It's not obvious, because he can be harsh, and clumsy, in dealing with people in daily life. He can completely ignore... things like emotional atmosphere and often doesn't respond constructively to someone's immediate feelings. But that doesn't mean he doesn't have any... large scale values.

Yes, personal freedom may be his first concern. But, I'm probably not too far off if I think that it also implies he acknowledges the same freedom for everyone else. Sure, he would hardly jump in to defend that freedom for every stranger. First and foremost, he just wants to do what he wants. But... he also doesn't want to hinder anyone else's freedom to do what they want.

Isn't that exactly what he was saying to me, when he said I should be more assertive?

– I've said this before, I say then. – But... The world according to you does seem like a nice place.

– Hah.

– I'm serious, though.

– Oh?

I'm looking over the trees, where the sky is turning into pastel colours.

– We have been talking for hours, Kagami-kun, I say.

– So? Are you tired?

– No. But it's a rather good view from here. Let's watch the sunset.

He raises his brows.

– Hmm okay, he says and shrugs.

I go sit on the stone wall and he follows.

– You can still talk, right? he says.

– Sure.

– Then continue what you were saying.

I look up to him.

– That was it, I say.

– No, it demands an explanation.

– Oh...

I guess he's right. And then I remember that feeling again, the feeling that I don't need to give Kagami-kun appropriate answers.

So, I say:

– I... don't hate my culture.

– Figures, he says and turns his gaze somewhere over the horizon.

– But... I do... hate things that set people apart.

He looks at me and nods.

– I know that, too, he says.

I can feel the dissonance of what I said, lingering in the air, but it seems like he's not going to comment on it. If he thinks that I'm, yet again, just avoiding a conflict... I suppose he's letting me do it.

Then he just chuckles.

– We did get totally carried away, he says.

I guess we did.

– Doubt Coach meant these questions to get this serious.

– Didn't you say you don't believe her experiments so far have any purpose at all?

He looks at me and turns away.

– What does it matter what I believe anyway? he mumbles.

Then he seems to get restless and stands up. He starts kicking small stones on the road, arms crossed.

– Yeah, I do think there's something wrong with her. I think there's something wrong with everyone lately. It's as if... as if nobody is taking anything as seriously as before! I don't understand why no one else is bothered. Why you are not bothered. Why I have to be the one to think that okay, maybe I'm deluded after all, since no one else gives a crap!

He kicks a bigger stone and it hits a tree. He lets out a deep sigh. I can't help but smile a little, seeing him take it all so much to heart. That's when he looks at me.

– You still think this is funny?

– No, that's not...

– I can't believe you!

He kicks another bigger stone.

– No, Kagami-kun, you're right. You're right about Coach.

He stops still and stares at me.

– Then what the heck are you smiling for?

– Because... I think you're also freaking out over nothing.

– Huh?

He frowns deep, still looking at me like I can't be serious. Still, he has stopped kicking the stones, and just waits.

– You're right, that Coach may be... over-excited. Going through a bad stretch. Maybe she's stressed out, because winning increased all the pressure on her. She is a perfectionist, isn't she? But... don't you think, if she needs to go through that, the time is now?

He's still listening.

– Kagami-kun, there's less than a month of school left. The games are over for this year. There's no one to fight right now. We can't fight _all_ the time. We can have fun without a fight.

His arms are still crossed, and his serious expression seems as immovable as rock right now, but I continue.

– I... To be honest, I don't want to fight right now. Some part of me still needs to... recharge. We all need to, I think. This year was... in many ways, probably the happiest year for me ever. But, it was also the most stressful year ever. A lot happened, and... I just... don't need the remaining weeks of this year to be like that.

I shrug, smile, and add:

– Next year will probably bring many new variables none of us can predict yet, so... I think, now, if ever, is the time to not think about the future. So, I just want to... go with the flow for a little while, and enjoy everything we already have here. Without pressure. Without the need to do anything more or be anywhere else. Just... stay. Where we are.

I look up to him.

– I'm... really happy right now, you know, I say. – So, I just want to be happy for a while.

It looks like Kagami-kun relaxes a bit with the next exhale. And then he sighs, and his face relaxes with it.

– I think, maybe Coach is really just doing the same, I say. – Maybe this is just her way of letting loose. Maybe part of it is stress too, but I think this is just her way of coping. So, I'm not worried about it. When the next year begins, she'll be her usual self again. Everyone will be.

– But how can you just say that? he says.

– Because, I trust her? I trust everyone.

He sighs again.

– Yeah, okay, he says. – Maybe you're right. About everything.

– I'm pretty sure I am.

– Hah.

He kicks another stone but slower now, not frustrated anymore.

I shake my head.

– Honestly, Kagami-kun, can't you really do five seconds without someone to beat?

– Aren't you funny! he says, and turns to grab my head, but I dodge, so he grabs my ear instead.

And then, just as he's about to pull it, his grip loosens. And I swear... as he lets go, I feel his finger trace down the side of my ear.

But then he has turned away, his eyes on that piece of paper again, and I'm left wondering if he really did that on purpose.

– We still have nine questions left, he says. – And I'm totally hungry. Let's go eat burgers while we get through this.

I think I still feel a slight tingle on my ear.

– Hmm? What're you looking at? he asks with a frown.

So... I guess it was unintentional after all.

– Nothing, I say. – Okay, let's go.

He reads the next question.

 

– 19: How much do you care about clothes? Kagami-kun reads, his mouth full. He's already eaten most of his usual big pile of hamburgers. I have long since finished my shake.

– I care enough, I say. – I care that they're comfortable.

He munches and swallows.

– Your comfort zone is narrow, he says.

– Really? I say and raise my brows at him a little. – You're the one who wears a black shirt at least 80% of the time.

I can see he's wearing one now, under his hoodie.

He shrugs.

– I like black.

– Then your comfort zone is narrower. I like more colours.

– You always wear, like, blue and stripes. Like, right now.

– Not always.

– Pretty close.

– I find them calming.

– Okay, let's just say we could both expand, not that I see any reason to, and move on to the last question.

– You didn't answer, though.

– Well, I care it's comfortable too.

– Okay. Let's hear the last question then.

He takes a couple of big bites before turning back to the paper. Then his eyes widen like he's saying ”Oh” inside.

– It's not really fair to keep wondering about the question by yourself, I say. He glances at me, and reads:

– 20: Now you get to ask your friend whatever it is you've always wanted to know.

I guess I understand that ”Oh” expression, but I don't have anything like that in mind, to be honest. Had this question come up earlier, I might have gone out of my way, trying to poke him, get something interesting out of him, but now... Well, he's been so honest about everything today. We have talked about so personal things already. Much more than the questions actually demanded. So, I seem to have lost any will I might have otherwise had, to push him further. I don't feel like prying on any secrets he might have.

Luckily, it's his turn first, though. Looks like the question isn't immediately on his mind either. Or...

Could it be that it is, but he's hesitant to ask it. I think I know his hesitant look. Maybe he's pretending to think, but he looks too focused, his eyes don't wander at all. He just stares down at the hamburger in his hand. He finishes it in silence, then looks to me.

– Okay, he says with a serious look. – Who is that girl?

For a second, I honestly don't know what he's talking about.

– Who?

– The drama club girl, he says, unwrapping another burger.

And then I think that I guess I did expect him to bring her up eventually, but... It feels kind of odd he would use his question for something like that.

– I told you, I say. – She's Mitsuhara Tomie-san.

– But who is she really? Who is she to you?

I'm not going to direct this conversation.

– What do you mean?

– I just... happened to see you talking to her, he says, glancing away. – A couple of times.

– Yes, it seems we have run into each other a lot lately. And ended up having things to talk about.

– That's it? he says with a frown.

– What do you mean?

– Uh...

He rubs the bridge of his nose between his fingers.

– It's just... Um, I feel like I should remember her from somewhere. Maybe that's why it seemed weird, seeing you talk to her so often. Because I didn't remember knowing anything about her, and then suddenly she seemed to be everywhere... So, I was just wondering.

– Hmm. Can I ask what do you think about her, then?

He raises his brows.

– Is that your question?

– No.

He shrugs.

– What does that even mean? he asks. – What would I think about her? Nothing. She's just some random girl who I've seen talking to you.

– Who you've seen...

Wait. There is something odd about what he said just now. Wasn't she supposed to... Some time ago she said... I think I have to stop playing dumb now, to figure this out.

– Are you saying that you have only ever seen her talking to me?

He frowns.

– Where else would I have seen her?

Is he just saying that, or...?

– Do you mean, that she has never talked to you? I ask. I have to. I wasn't going to be a part of this, but now I have to know...

– Huh? Why the heck would she talk to me? I don't even know her.

He looks honest. He must be honest.

– Because, she said...

But I already know what's going on.

– Hello, what are you staring at now? He asks, with a sigh.

– Oh...

Now I... It seems that now I have to explain the whole thing.

– I... made a mistake, I say.

– Huh?

He leans forward as if trying to see me more clearly.

– Kagami-kun, tell me, has some other girl talked to you lately?

– Huh?

– Someone you don't know.

– What the... No? Oh, well, kind of. Someone in that cooking club. But what's that got to do with...

I find myself leaning my forehead to my hand.

– Huh? Kuroko? Did you just facepalm yourself? What's going on?

– It seems I have assumed too many things... I... I read her wrong, I say. – I thought... But she wasn't actually...

– Hey! What the heck are you talking to yourself? What is this?

I look at him.

– I'm sorry. I just needed to gather my thoughts.

– About what!

Now he's so frustrated he's completely forgotten he was even eating a hamburger.

– Okay. I need to explain this from the beginning.

– Then do!

– I will. You see... Sometime ago, Mitsuhara-san came to talk to me. About... well, about you.

His eyes widen.

– Huh?

– She wanted to ask me if you had gotten a note her friend gave you on Valentine's Day.

He sighs deeply.

– Oh god, I had just managed to forget something like that happened.

– I basically told her it wasn't my business.

– Well, good.

– But... the thing is, I thought she was just saying it was from her friend, to save face, or something. I thought the note was from her. Actually, I was sure about it.

He frowns.

– And?

– Well, then you came behind the corner in the corridor, just when she was leaving. You startled her badly. If I'm not mistaken, that should be where you remember her from.

His eyes widen again.

– Oh... That's right. Something like that did happen, he says, then his eyes get sharper. – Wait, so you didn't say anything to me? You just pretended you didn't know anything about her when I asked?

I frown.

– Would you really have appreciated knowing all that?

– Uh... Good point. Okay, go on.

– Well... As you know, that wasn't the only time I saw her. It was just a coincidence, but... we talked again. And she was embarrassed about that time, so we ended up talking about her friend more... And, after that, when we kept running into each other... Well, we talked about other things, but it came up sometimes. And...

Suddenly I find myself embarrassed. I really didn't think I would ever have to talk about this to him.

– Hey? What's that face? What did you do?

So it's that obvious. I let out a sigh.

– I... I didn't think it was anything, really. It's just that she told me about how much her friend talked about you, and she sounded so frustrated. And... All the time, I thought she was actually talking about herself. I felt bad for her... So I... I just said that maybe... her friend would calm down if she tried talking to you.

– Oh, he says, raising his brows. Then he blows out some air, and says:

– Don't scare me. It sounded like you had done something really stupid.

– But... I was so decided on... not meddling. But now I feel like I did anyway, because... Then, the next time she told me her friend really did talk to you, and was happy about it. And even then... All this time, I still thought she was talking about herself. But now you say that she hasn't talked to you...

Maybe I look at him in a little questioning way, because he frowns, and says:

– No she definitely hasn't.

– But some other girl did.

– Yeah.

– Only one, who you didn't know before?

– Yeah, just that cooking club girl. I swear, you know everyone else I talk to at school.

– I see.

– So?

– So, the note was from her. Not Mitsuhara-san.

– Oh.

– So now... I have meddled, and revealed her to you. It really wasn't my place to do either of those things... I... I think I have really messed up now.

– Oh, come on, he says and rolls his eyes. – I think I've finally caught on now. And they used you as their middleman, right? It's those two's fault. I mean what the hell...

He leans his head into both of his hands.

– What a bother... How did I end up as a target in this kind of drama? he mumbles.

– But... I still kept what I knew from you. I'm sorry.

– Nah, you were right. I absolutely did not need to know about this.

He lets out another frustrated sigh. And then he chuckles, and looks at me.

– ?

– This is just... bizarre.

– Is it?

– Well, yeah. I mean... I totally thought you were hiding something from me. I was... Heck, I was totally worked up about it. And I was right.

I look down.

– I'm sorry.

– Quit being sorry. It's just that I thought... Well, I guess I thought it was something bigger. I was... I was... paranoid.

I look up.

– You did seem angry about something, I say.

– Yeah, I probably did, huh.

He chuckles to himself again. It occurs to me, that he thought something like that was going on. He thought I was hiding things. And still he... All this day, he shared all those things with me. Somehow, that... seems to mean something. It seems to mean... that even if he was paranoid, as he said, he... still, somehow trusted me. Maybe that's not anything I should be surprised about. Maybe we're long past that kind of distrust. After everything we have been through, but still...

Maybe... Sometimes it just feels like, maybe basketball is another world. That maybe things that happen on the court don't automatically apply anywhere else. That maybe, while there, we're all under a spell. A spell that can be broken so easily, that... you can't just assume anything. And... when you're just dropped back into the real world, anything you thought was true, might not be anymore.

But... It can be. I must believe it can be true elsewhere.

– Actually..., he says then. – I guess I should be sorry. That I was angry. It's not like you need to tell me everything, you know. I was just... well, I don't know what I was.

– But you were right to suspect something. What I was hiding did have something to do with you.

– Uh... yeah, I guess.

He starts eating the last burger.

– So, um, he says, and his eyes wander. – You and that Mitsuhara-girl seem to have a lot to talk about.

– Hmm. I guess so. She's interesting.

– Hmm. Why?

– Well...

I still feel like I have to rearrange my thoughts about her, after learning... she's not the one who likes Kagami-kun. That still seems weird to me. I though...

I thought the reason why I found her interesting was related to that. I thought there was something... ”off” about her. I thought it was that she used a friend as a cover. But now it turns out she didn't. She was honest all the time. So... now I'm not sure what it is that I thought was interesting. I still feel like it can't be nothing, it couldn't have been just my imagination. There's still something. I just don't know what. But, I probably won't figure it out like this.

I just shrug.

– I guess I just like her as a person.

– Right. Then, what do you talk about?

– Her club. Plays. Our club. School. Normal things, I suppose.

– I see.

He munches the burger in silence.

– Do you feel like I've answered your question now? Is it my turn yet? I ask.

He shrugs.

– Sure.

– I don't actually have one, so...

– I wanna go home, so just ask whatever comes to your mind first.

– Okay. Then what happened with the girl in the cooking club?

He throws an empty burger wrapper at me.

– Seriously? That's your question?

– Well, you said...

– Obviously nothing happened. She talked to me, I couldn't figure out why, I left. End of story.

– What was she like then?

– Why do you want to know?

– Because I'm interested to know what kind of person has fallen for Kagami-kun.

– Huuh. Well, I'm not! Besides, I doubt that's really true, anyway...

– Hmm. Why?

– Because she just looks like I scare her to death!

– Pft. Isn't it obvious she likes you, then?

– What the heck! That's not how you're supposed to feel with someone you like!

– It can be, in some situations. She's probably just shy.

– Whatever, it's messed up, he says, shaking his head.

– So... you don't want to get to know her?

He raises his brows.

– Of course not.

– Why not?

– Hey... What is this, again? Tell me you're not trying to pair me up?

– No, of course not.

– Then what the heck are you pressing?

– I was just wondering.

– Well, stop wondering.

– Why is it ”of course not”, to getting to know someone?

– Hey, that's...! Because that's just not how it works for me! Because knowing that someone I don't even know, likes me, is, like, an immediate turn off. Shouldn't you of all people understand something like that?

– Oh. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking about it like that.

– Do me a favour, and please, just don't think about it, at all.

– Okay. I won't.

I guess, just to press his point further, he throws another wrapping paper at my head.

– I said okay. Will you, please, stop doing that?

– The world is messed up, and I need to take it out on someone.

– It's not fair to take it out on me.

– Well, you're here. Tough luck.

But, he stops. Then he looks at the questionnaire paper beside him, grabs it, and crushes it into just one more ball or trash on the pile of burger wrappers.

– We're done right? he asks then.

– Yes.

– Took us long enough.

– I'm sure Coach would gladly take this as a measure of who much we care.

– Well, that's what this was for, right?

– Right.

And that's all either of us says about it, as we leave the table, while we walk, before we go to our separate directions to head home.

But... I don't honestly believe that. Maybe that's how it started, but... in the end, we were just talking. Because it became easier and easier, as the hours passed. Because it was good to talk about all of those things, all of which I can't even recall anymore. Because... talking like that, was as if we went into some kind of bubble. As if, for a while, we weren't in this world.

Because we just wanted to talk.

And I'm sure he knows it too.  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise this chapter is one of a kind. No other will be _this_ plotless.
> 
> My inspiration music:
> 
> A Good Day - Amy Diamond  
> I'll Meet You There - Owl City


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A haunted house. (I'm so creative.)

# 10th: It's never really going to go away

# Kagami

I slam my hands on Kuroko's desk.

– We are going to an amusement park! I say. Or probably yell. I don't care. My morning has been too infuriating for that.

He looks up from the book he was reading.

– Why, all of sudden...

– Take a guess! I groan.

– How do you expect me to guess something like that?

– Obviously because of that idiot Aomine!

He looks at me blankly.

– I see. Obviously, the only reason for you to be angry about going to an amusement park would be somehow related to Aomine-kun. How silly of me.

I don't know if he's being serious, but who cares.

– Yeah, obviously! I say and throw my bag on my desk.

I hear Kuroko sigh behind me when I sit.

– What did he do? he asks.

– Why does he have my number is what I want to ask! I say, and turn to look at him, to see if there's even a hint of guilt in his eyes.

– He would have gotten it from Momoi-san, right?

– Why would she... Oh, whatever, never mind, I say, shaking my head. I guess that girl would have the prime minister's private number.

– Really, Kagami-kun, what did he do?

– Apparently there's a new super scary haunted house.

– Oh.

– Yeah, I say and turn back to my desk.

Kuroko is silent behind me for only a few seconds.

– So, he angered you by saying you would be too scared to go there, or something?

– Hah! More like he made a song about it and played it in my ear on repeat!

– Yes, of course...

– Who does he think he is...!

– Kagami-kun, honestly, why are you even giving him the satisfaction...?

– If that guy can do it, so can I!

– Okay...

– And that's why you have to come too, as a witness! I say, glancing over my shoulder.

Kuroko sighs.

– Not only do you play directly into his hands, but you have to get me involved as well, he says, looking at me with half closed eyes.

– What are you complaining? I'm paying, and you can name the day.

– Hmm...

– What!

I turn to him fully, and he still has that aloof look.

– Okay. On one condition, he says.

– And what is that?

– Once you're done proving yourself to Aomine-kun, once again...

– I don't need to prove him anything!

– Precisely my point.

– Agh! Whatever, go on.

– Okay. Once you're done with that, you'll let it go, and have some fun there instead.

I look at him in silence.

– That's it?

– Yes.

– Hah! Deal!

I'll show that idiot I'm not any more scared of a haunted house than he is! What the heck? Does he think I'm five? It's not a real haunted house. Even the most deluded person wouldn't fear there were real ghosts in there! It's just something totally made up. As if that would scare me! I'll show him... I'll show him he can't just call me and ruin my morning like that. There's nothing scary about a haunted house in an amusement park. It's a joke. It's not real. It won't be like a real empty house that might be haunted.  
Yeah, it's just completely different, right?

Of course, I wanted Kuroko to name the day right away, but he said he couldn't because he had some vague family plans, and when I pressed it, he just said it was better to go over the spring break, since there's only a week of school left anyway... Blah. At least Coach isn't loading me with too much non-basketball activities at practice today, so I don't have to take my anger out on an aerobic stick or some other stupid and useless object. And still, I feel like she's watching me more than anyone else! And I may not get her that well or anything, not like whatever that speech was that Kuroko gave about her some time ago that seemed to make so much sense... but I think I can tell when she's pissed, and she's definitely pissed with me today. God knows what I've done now.

I almost manage to forget about it though, until we're done for the day. Everyone is just about to go back to the club room to change, when she tells me to stay. For some reason she can't seem to say whatever it is she's got to say, in front of everyone? What, am I in that much trouble? I find myself racking my brain for everything I've done the past week...  
The gym door closes after someone behind me, and Coach stands on her toes for a bit, looking somewhere over my shoulder.

– Look, if this is about the mud in the storage, I swear it was either Nigou or Koganei...

– Shut up for a second, Bakagami, she says with a sigh, still eyeing the door behind me. I assume that's what she's doing. I take a look. It doesn't sound like anyone's still in the corridor if that's what she's thinking...

Then she turns her eyes to me.

– Listen, she says. All I note for now is, she's not yelling. Not even when she told me to shut up. It's weird. I'm sure I've done something, but she doesn't look like she's about to explode, just... somehow, serious.

I must have been staring blankly, because she tilts her head, and says:

– Are you listening?

– Yeah, yeah, what is it now?

– I've been considering when to say this to you, she says, crossing her arms. – And it's unpleasant, in a way, but I have everyone to consider and I've decided I have no other choice than to get this to your head.

I stare. Is she looking at me like I'm supposed to know what she's talking about? I don't know, maybe she's just having some kind of a dramatic silence, looking at me so straightforwardly...

But then her mouth opens.

– You can't date Kuroko-kun.

I do hear the sounds coming out of her quite well enough, but it sure takes me time to piece them all together.

And then the understanding goes through me as a shudder.

I must have been gaping at her the whole time.

– _What_? is what comes out of me first.

She sighs, and says:

– Look, I know you think I have no right to tell you...

– You _have_ no right to tell me...! Wait, that's not the point! The point is, _where_ the actual _hell_ did you get the idea…

She looks at me and squints.

– Don't play dumber than you are Kagami-kun. I see you all the time. I see how you look at him.

– What the...! You're _wrong_! You... I don't have any idea how that got into your head, but...

– Relax, Kagami-kun, there's nothing weird or unexpected about it.

– What the heck are you spouting!?

– Well, looking at it objectively, from a psychological viewpoint, it's never a surprise when people who went through something exciting, or scary, or otherwise emotionally intense together, start having romantic feelings for each other. There's a lot of research on it. Like, men who meet a woman on a hanging bridge, are inevitably more likely to find her attractive than men who meet the same woman sitting on a park bench...

– Just… stop! For a second!

Miraculously, she does.

I cover my head in my hands, and take a deep breath, because with everything she says, she's messing with my ability to think.

Then I look at her, and say:

– Like I said, you're wrong. I don't... I don't... I don't...

She raises her brows.

– Can't even say it, huh?

– I don't have that kind of feelings for him! I shout. – But that's not the point! Wait, no, that _is_ the point! That is exactly my point! But it's also my point that you can't tell something like that to me! It's none of your business! I can do whatever the heck I want!

– But it is my business.

– You're taking it too far! You're taking everything too far recently! This is just... Now you've definitely crossed the line!

She rolls her eyes and sighs again.

– I'm not saying you can't have a relationship with him.

– What, now you're taking it back?

She shakes her head.

– No, idiot. I'm just saying you can't _date_ him, like, lightly. If you're with him, then you're _with_ him. If you're not serious about it, don't do it. Because you have to last. At least until the end of next year, so your personal drama won't ruin my last chance... our chance, of winning. You have to think about everyone else.

– Oh yeah, well I hope you and Captain last 'til the end, otherwise you're going to sound like a hell of a hypocrite!

She inhales sharply.

– Of course we will last. What, do you think my rules don't apply to myself? I would never have entered a relationship like that if I wasn't serious.

– Okay, dating, bad, relationship, good, got it! But for some reason I do remember him saying that you were, in fact, dating.

– Oh gosh, stop playing with words, that's not your area! I only meant to highlight the fact that you need to be serious with things like these!

– Oh yeah, and what makes you think I'm not!

– I didn't say that. I'm just warning you, so you'll really think it through before you act! You know, that really is not your strong suit, and you can't deny that.

– That... That still really is none of your business!

…

I don't know why I'm arguing about this with her now. Why even hypothetically argue about something like this? This is by no means relevant for me...

– Besides, it's how I said it is! I say. – I don't want to date him. I don't want to date anyone! I don't want to be with, or _with_ anyone! Why would you even assume I like guys!

– I'm not, she says with a shrug. – I just don't assume people are straight, either. I've seen enough to know that.

– I still... I still don't see why you'd assume I would want to... why any of us would want to date each other!

Her eyelids seem to drop when she looks at me.

– What do you mean why? Isn't it a statistical probability? Do the math.

– I still don't get why me??

– Like I said, I see how you look at him.

She did say that...

– Urgh... Look, this is pointless. I can't believe I'm having this conversation.

– Huh...

– Okay, whatever, I say and raise my hands like she's won because I just don't want her to say anything anymore. - I don't even understand what exactly it is we're talking about anymore. You can relax. Because I'm not going to date _anyone_.

A sudden need to get out of here comes over me. I start towards the door.

– Look, I said I didn't mean I would try to interfere, if you...

– Got it! Perfectly clear! I'm just telling you to forget the whole lunacy!

– It's not..., she starts, but stops. – Fine, Kagami-kun. I'm sorry if I misunderstood you. You can just take this all as... precautionary.

– Yeah, fine, I say, and as I'm about to go through the door, I get the thought in my head, that Kuroko might be standing somewhere in the gym... But when I look around, he's not there.

I hurry into the corridor. It's empty. Thank God.

So is the locker room. I can't wait to get out of the school and just put the whole thing... whatever it was that happened, out of my mind.

 

So, the school year ends. I guess I barely notice because I don't know any of the seniors. And by the day I finally get the chance to prove I'm not scared of a freaking haunted house... To be honest, I don't care nearly as much as I did.

– You did this on purpose! I tell Kuroko when we meet in front of that amusement park.

– Hmm? What did I do on purpose?

– You forced me to wait over a week, so my mood would be totally gone!

– Don't be silly, Kagami-kun. I trust your ability to be provoked by Aomine-kun to be far greater than that.

– Hah!

– Don't tell me... you're feeling discouraged now? he says, with almost a squint.

– As if!

With that, I start toward the gates, and I am actually feeling like an idiot. I'm too clear headed now, and I realize that now I'm being provoked by him, too.

It's moments like these that I actually stop to wonder, how many things I wouldn't do if I wasn't so stupid. But, that's as far as the thought ever goes. So here I go again.

– Where is that stupid house!?

– We did get a map, Kagami-kun, it should be somewhere on the other side of the park...

So, we walk. I just want to get this over with now. I realize I walk too fast. Even if there aren't that many people, since the weather isn't too warm yet, I might still lose Kuroko somewhere. When I look, he's still coming behind me. I walk a little slower.

Then, suddenly, I see it. And I stop. And I stare. And I curse Aomine.

Kuroko stops beside me, and I'm aware he's looking at me more than he's looking at the thing in front of us.

– Kagami-kun... Could it be you didn't know what kind of haunted house it was?

– Why would I know that?? I didn't even think there were any kinds!

– Well, it says it right here on the map, ”The Haunted House of Happy Hounds”.

I find myself gritting my teeth.

– That bastard left that part out on purpose!

– Yes, he would, wouldn't he...?

I'm really staring at a grey, rotten, grim, tall house with... disturbingly real looking dog's heads on its outside walls, as if they were deer's heads. And each of them wears this really creepy smile...

– Hah! Whatever! Whatever happy dogs there are, they're dead, right?

– It is supposed to be a ghost house.

– Right! So we'll just go in, get through it, and get out!

– If you're sure...

– What do you mean?? Let's go and be done with it!

– Okay. As you wish.

As I take a step towards the house, he suddenly pulls at my hoodie. I stop, and turn. Suddenly that non-committal face he's been wearing since we got here, has disappeared, and he's looking at me with that... calm, reassuring expression I'm not a stranger to anymore.

– Let me just say this... Because I have teased you about both, dogs and ghosts... I just want to make sure you know I don't really mean it. I wouldn't laugh at you if you didn't want to go in. I wouldn't think it as cowardice, or anything.

– Huh? What is this now?

– I'm just saying that something like this is not important. I would still think you're brave.

– You... Seriously, what is this embarrassing talk again! I say, and turn towards the house. What is he saying that kind of things for, it's only making me angry! Even my face is starting to feel a bit hot... But this time he follows me without saying more.

I said it's fine since the dogs are dead, but... I do realize that if there were actual dogs in the house, them being dead would really make them ghost dogs. And that's just about the last thing that could be of any help.

A door closes behind us and we're standing in a dark room. It's not pitch black of course, but... the atmosphere changes so suddenly, so completely, that I just stop and stand there, wondering where the sunlight and all the noise disappeared... which I realize is dumb. But it's so quiet I can hear some electric humming in the room.  
And then someone screams upstairs. And there's barking.

I flinch heavily.

Kuroko is right beside me.

– I can go first, he says.

– Hah! There's no need!

I take a step towards the centre of the room, but I stop because I'm just so sure something will jump at me behind the dark, heavy curtains, hanging on the opposite wall...

– Okay, Kuroko says. – There are three floors, and the only way out is probably going through each floor, up to the third, and then back down again...

He sounds so damn unaffected.

– Let's go! I say, and start walking towards the stairs on the other side of the room.

I'm still conscious of every step. But nothing happens. I get to the stairs and nothing happens.

– Hold on to the railing, says Kuroko as he comes behind me.

– Hah!

I start climbing the stairs. Each step, I go a little faster. And then...

Many things happen at he same time. I feel a sudden wind blow at my face so strongly it makes me squint, I hear growling, sharp, as if it's coming right beside my ear, and a bright blue light appears on the wall, illuminating a head on it that looks just like a wolf's.

I gasp, and crouch, grabbing the railing with both hands, as if the head might really just jump at me.

– That's why I told you to hold on, Kuroko says. – I'm sure the scariest thing in this house is walking behind Kagami-kun. You can never know when you're going to fall down the stairs...

Only he doesn't sound scared, or serious at all, just very annoying. I sort of growl back at the wolf head, and start climbing the stairs again...

We make it to the second floor without more surprises, but... I find myself wondering how many rooms and how long stairs we have to get through before we're out of here, and... My heart is just pounding, no matter how much my head is saying it's stupid and unnecessary...

There's a short corridor leading to another room with an open door. It looks darker than the corridor. I start walking and the floor boards creak like crazy. And... then I hear another voice. Again, it goes straight past my ear.

It's a dog panting heavily. I've just been telling myself to keep walking, but I notice my body just seems to freeze on its own. Then the panting comes back, past my other ear, as if it's circling around me. And now I'm sure there are more than just one dog panting... My heart won't stop racing, it's like I can see those dogs, with their long tongues out, just circling, coming closer every round, like hyenas...

– The sound system seems pretty impressive, says Kuroko, and stops beside me again.

I shake my head to get a grip. If I just walk, the creaking of the floor will cover some of the panting, right? That's right, I'll just think that, and walk... I make it to the door, and the panting is gone. I take a look at the room. It's much like the one downstairs, with heavy curtains on the walls, making you think there simply must be something behind them that is not supposed to be there...

And there's rotten furniture, chairs missing legs and a table that looks like it was smashed in half...and it's so dark they're little more than shadows. I take a step, and then…

There's growling coming from the other side of the room.

But it's not like the one before, not that ”Go away!” kind.

This is sharper, deeper, quieter, eerie... It says: ”I'm actually coming to kill you”.

And then a pair of red eyes light up between the curtains on the opposite wall.

They stare right at me.

I take a step back.

Kuroko slaps my shoulder, and I shiver.

– Look, now that there's a little light, you can see the door knob on the other side, he says, and points to the door. That means...

Yes. The eyes are on the door.

– It's just beneath those little red lamps, Kuroko says.

I take a step. And another, and I continue. The growling doesn't stop. I inhale, walk faster towards the door and don't stop until I just grab the door knob, and get through the door. Kuroko closes it behind us, and the growling stops.

I realize I was holding my breath.

– Do you need a break? Kuroko asks. I notice I've been leaning my hands on my knees.

– Hah! As if, I say, and turn to face the narrow corridor ahead. It's longer than before. But I can't take back what I said now.

Of course it's full or barking dog heads bouncing from the walls when I walk through it. I'm so busy dodging them that I can't help a scream when I barge into one.

Suddenly Kuroko grabs my arm and pulls me back to the centre of the corridor.

– If you just walk steady, they won't even touch you. They are arranged that way on purpose, he says, and lets go of my shaky arm.

– Right, I mutter. First, I walk slowly, but then decide it's better to just go fast through it, to the next door... Though, God knows what's behind it. It's partially open, and I peek into the room before going in. It's small and looks empty, but as if that means anything. I flinch when someone screams upstairs again. God, why am I so pathetic? I know none of this is real. Why can't I just control my reactions to something that is not real? And how can I not get self-conscious about it, that I jump at the smallest creak, when Kuroko is watching my back all the time?

I glance over my shoulder, just to see he's still there. The time Coach forced us into that empty house, he totally disappeared on me... Right, that. This is nowhere near as bad as that place, right? This is all arranged. It's not even night. As soon as I get out of here, it'll be all sunlight...

I step over the doorstep, and an awful, high pitched howling begins all around me. Then there's that strong wind blowing at me again, and I hear foot steps, running, and more panting, and it's coming right at me...

I step back so fast that Kuroko gets slammed into the door frame behind me.

– Ugh, sorry..., I mutter. It sounds like the steps went past us.

– It's okay, he says, rubbing his arm. – That voice is most likely timed, so you might want to get to the next door now.

I guess that makes sense, and the room is small, so I hurry to reach the door with just a couple of long steps. The howling begins again when I get through it. And then I see the next stairs. At first I'm relieved but... We're not half way through the place yet. And that voice coming at me just now... It's just, it really sounded like it was coming _at_ me. Like it was... real.

I shake my head and get to the stairs. This time I really grab the railing. Nothing happens except for some low and quiet barking around us. But the stairs are really dark. Darker than anything yet... I can't see where I step properly. And Kuroko walks so quietly I have to stop to make sure he's still there. I almost want to tell him not to disappear on me here, but... It just sounds so idiotic.

I get to the next floor, and it's not as dark, and there's yet another door which I take a step towards but...

I have no time to react to the sudden crashing sound above me, the next thing I know is the ceiling bursts open and something falls right at me, crashes into my shoulder, and I stumble to the floor...

It's a fucking huge, black dog, hanging from the ceiling, rocking back and forth, barking and growling at me with the glowing eyes of a devil...

I wonder if I screamed. I'm not sure. My mind went totally blank for a second.

Suddenly Kuroko walks past me and the dog, to the door on the other side, and opens it...

The ceiling creaks, and it looks like the dog is being pulled back in, the barking disappears, even the hanging boards from the ceiling close...

– As I thought, the mechanism is connected to the door, Kuroko says.

I'm still on the floor. My throat is pounding. He looks at me.

– Kagami-kun, it's not real.

– Argh! I _know_ that!

I get up and walk right past him, into the next room... It's just that for a split second, I did, somehow, think it was real.

– Okay, what's next? Come at me! I say to the room. Nothing happens. Except the room is full of portraits on the walls, you can just barely make out that they're dogs, and their eyes glow...

Suddenly I feel really cold. It feels like it's creeping up my back. If I stop walking, I feel like I'm shivering. So, I just walk out, to the next corridor, and even though it's so long and dark I don't see the end of it, I just walk, because there's nothing else I can do to get out of here, so I walk, until...

The end of the corridor lights up.

Of course, there's another black dog, standing there. Huge, wolf-like, its tail moving... So how can I not freeze, looking at it. I know it's not real. It's not real, but...

It moves. It takes a couple of steps. Its teeth show. It sticks its tongue out. It runs.

It runs straight at me.

It runs straight at me from the end of the narrow corridor.

– _Oh my God it's real it's fucking real!_

I back away as fast as I can but I don't see the doorstep, and I trip...

– Oh my fucking God!

I know I don't have time to get away, so I just cover my head...

– Kagami-kun, calm down. Look at it, says Kuroko right next to me. Then he walks towards the dog. He sounds so sure... I take a peek.

The dog has stopped running. Kuroko goes right where it's standing. He stops, raises his hand and knocks at the air, but it's not air, because it makes a sound.

– Look, it's glass, he says. Then he kneels down to look at the dog that's still under a spotlight, behind a glass wall.

– Hmm. Looks like you're the only actually happy dog in this place. Make sure to check your employee benefits.

He knocks on the glass again, and the dog puts its foot on the glass.

– Look, it's just happy to see us.

But all I can do is drag myself from the doorstep to the room behind, and lean against a wall. I don't know what's come over me. I just sit there, my forehead on my knees, and put my hands on my head. I feel cold sweat on my neck. I feel sick. This is not normal... I'm not normal. I can't be this weak. I'm not supposed to be...

I hear Kuroko's steps from the corridor. Then he kneels before me.

– Kagami-kun, it's okay, he says.

– No, it's not, I get out, but my voice is embarrassingly hoarse.

– This is not real, he says.

– Yeah...! That's why... That's why I'm so pathetic.

– You are not pathetic.

– Look at me, I'm shivering for no reason!

– It's not for no reason. You're scared. That's fine.

My heart is pounding in my ears. I hate that I can't stop it. I hate that my breathing sounds unsteady.

– It's stupid, I say. – I hate this. I didn't... I didn't think it would be like this. As if I can't control my body. I know there's no danger now. My... my head knows that. But still... All I can think of, is, what about the next dog that will pass by on the street? What about the next time the electricity goes out for no apparent reason…

– It's okay. You were just triggered.

I hate this. I'm so cold right now I have goose bumps. And it's just all so embarrassing I can't even look at Kuroko. Then I hear him move, and next he's crouching against the wall, right beside me. He puts his arm on my shoulders. And his other hand on my arm. His side presses against mine.

God, he's warm.

– It's okay, he says again. – We'll just wait here for a while.

His head is so close to mine I can hear his breathing. It's so steady. Then, instead of horror images of ghost dogs, I'm reminded of the night of the ribbon exercise, and Nigou, and it seems to have a little calming effect on me. What the heck? Thinking about a dog makes me calmer? Well, no, of course not... It's just that I felt safe because Kuroko was there.  
And then it really is like he can fucking read my thoughts, because he says:

– You're safe.

– I know..., I mutter.

– Everything is fine.

Why do I want him to keep talking like that again? Why is his voice so calming, so close to my ear...

Maybe I didn't take him here as a witness. I thought I did, but... What if I just felt like I could only go if he came with me? What if I just thought that I would be safe with him?

– It's really okay to be scared, he says.

He did say that before. That it's okay if I don't want to go. That it's not important.

Why don't I want it to be that way?

But it's so good that he's here. So close. It's just good to be in his warmth. I realize my heart, and breathing, have calmed down.

He moves again, in front of me, but keeps his other hand on my arm.

– Kagami-kun, I've told you this before, but...

He pauses. And then there's a smile in his voice, as he says:

– Why don't we give up?

At that, it feels like my heart skips a beat. And it's not from fear. When the memory gets into its place, and I realize why, a laugh escapes me. I look at him.

I say:

– On fighting alone?

He smiles. I can just make that out in the darkness. I watch him put his hand on my knee and open his palm.

– Just take my hand, he says. I look at him.

– It doesn't make any sense to push yourself too far. You don't have to look. You can keep your eyes closed, he says. – I can be your eyes.

Only now I realize that I could have accepted his help right at the door of this dreadful place.

But I didn't. Again. I just had to be so stubborn. And now I realize he had my back the whole time. He wasn't being annoying. He was just pointing out the mechanisms and everything, to remind me it wasn't real.

I grab his hand. He rises to his feet.

– Kuroko?

– Yes?

– Just get me out of here.

He helps me to my feet.

 

It takes forever to get out. And I can still hear everything. The voices get worse, louder, heavier. But I keep my eyes shut, and I keep walking, just thinking about holding on to Kuroko's hand. And nothing else touches me.

When we get out, for a moment, the sunlight is blinding. I squint my eyes. Kuroko is still holding my hand, leading me far away from the house.

We're outside. We're really outside.

I stop to rub my eyes, so Kuroko stops too, and lets go of my hand. I look around. I'm about to relax...

Suddenly, every single person here seems to have a dog with them.

Not really, of course. But that's what it feels like right now. One of them, that goes right past us looks exactly like the one that came through the ceiling. Big and black.

I just stare, speechless.

– Can you move, Kagami-kun?

– Huh? Of course I can move!

But Kuroko looks serious when I turn to him.

– It still looks to me, like you might be going into a bit of a shock.

– Ugh...

He glances around, and then says:

– You're not scared of heights, right? Not at all?

– No, I'm not! Geez... What the heck are you-

– Let's go to the Ferris Wheel.

– Huh?

– There will be no pets. You can rest.

– I don't need to...

– Kagami-kun, would you, please, just suck it up, and do as I say, just this time?

– Uh.

He's really serious.

– Fine, fine, I mutter.

He leads, and I follow really close behind him, trying to stay away from people and their dogs.

It strikes me, that he might be a little bit right. Because it's like... I don't see very well around me. As if my field of vision is blurry on the edges. Like it's smaller. And it's making me anxious. Everything feels just slightly unreal. I might still be shivering a little. My God, how pathetic can I get today.

I just want something to distract me, so I say:

– Thanks.

Kuroko glances back at me.

– For help. In the dark. You know, I mutter. He grins a little bit as he turns back.

– I am your shadow, right?

No, it's more like... This time, you were the light. Because you dragged me out of darkness. Not like this was the only time, though. But, I can't say something so embarrassing. It's just too much. It's almost too much to just think it.

 

When we are inside the Ferris wheel, Kuroko tells me to lie down on the bench. I'm starting to feel tired, and it actually doesn't sound like a bad idea now, so I don't argue, I just mutter something and get down on my back.

Kuroko kneels on the floor beside me.

– Geez, you don't have to guard me.

– I'm not. Take off your pullover, please.

– Why? I'm cold!

– Right. Just pull up the sleeve then.

– Huh? Why the heck...

But he doesn't wait, he just pulls my sleeve up, and then he... presses his fingertips lightly on my skin, and starts moving his hand, slowly, up and down my arm.

– What are you doing? I spat.

– I'm trying to make you produce endorphin, he says, like it's the most obvious thing ever.

– Why would you touching me help? comes out of my mouth. I'm not aware of emphasizing any word, but he glances at me shortly, and says:

– It's not about who's doing it.

Yes, yes it is, my brain wants to think, for some reason.

– Just relax, okay? he says.

– My gosh...

I sigh and close my eyes. Of course I'm not going to push his hand away. It feels so good. The warm brush against my skin, the tips of his fingernails... Of course it helps. All my muscles start tingling as they relax.

I open my eyes to look at him. He's looking down. Looking so calm.

I'm so glad he's here. I'm so lucky he is. He's so... strong, and warm. I've called him weak, I know, but... Right now, I feel like all the strength I could muster up came from him. He's not bothered by dogs, or ghosts, or dark, or cold. Right now, I feel small beside him.

The strangest thing is, I'm not bothered by it.

We stay quiet. I don't know if he knows I'm looking at him. And I keep looking, because... I just like to. The closer I get to look at him, the softer even the most basic of his expressions looks. And his face looks more... nuanced. I'm not sure when it happened exactly, but he hasn't really looked expressionless to me anymore, for a while. Maybe I used to think that because I just didn't pay enough attention. Because his expressions were just too subtle.

And... his face is kind of... delicate. Again, at first when you meet him, he looks like nothing special, his face is nondescript, so easy to forget, but... It's just grown on me now. It doesn't look like that anymore. The more I look at him, the more I note the softness of his features, the depth of his eyes, the unusually light skin... Just because those aren't strong features, doesn't mean they're not defining ones. The more I know his face, the more I like it.

Suddenly, I get the picture in my head, of him, standing on a hill top in the dark, under the stars, his face illuminated by the cell phone's light.

I thought he was beautiful, back then.

I didn't want to admit it.

What the hell is wrong with thinking someone is beautiful?

Well. It's because... It feels like a dangerous area. An uncharted area. Because, I'm thinking he's beautiful now. And because it's... less thinking, and more feeling.

I close my eyes and put my free arm above them.

– Do you feel sick? Kuroko asks right away.

– Yeah, I mumble.

Even though it's probably not any better idea, I focus on his fingers on my arm again. Man, it still feels so good. So relaxing. I could just fall asleep. But then I wouldn't be aware of it anymore. The warmth of his skin.

Then, suddenly, there's a quiet voice.

I realize that he has started to hum something to himself. It's surprising, because I don't think I've heard him do that before. I don't recognize the melody, but listening to him, it's... Yes, more relaxing, but somehow... intriguing. His voice sounds surprisingly clear. And then I do just what I shouldn't do, open my eyes again to steal a look at him. His eyes are closed. My gaze drops lower, and maybe I'm just looking for the source of his voice, but it stops to his closed lips.

And that's when the thought is in my head:

_What if I kissed him?_

I am going to blame Coach for this, until the end of time, and beyond.

Because even if it doesn't mean anything, even if it's just a passing thought, even if it's just a bug that got into my brain, even if I'm only thinking it because the Haunted House of Happy Hounds made me crazy...

I know, that once a thought like that is in my head, it's never really going to go away.  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listened to:
> 
> Nightingale - Demi Lovato  
> When you believe - Celtic Woman (For some reason I wanted Kuroko to hum this song.)


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Really just Kuroko's introspection.
> 
> (Plus a conversation at the end that doesn't seem to contribute to anything much, but I liked it and didn't want to delete it.)

# 11th: Narcotisation

# Kuroko

I'm going to spend the rest of the spring break here; on the hill, surrounded by fields and batches of trees, the small river lining it behind the old house. Granny says, as a kid I wanted to stay in this place forever. It's true that I never miss the bustle of the city when I'm here. But these days it's only once or twice a year we get to visit my other grandparents.

It's another world, this place. It seems to me like the time is standing still, sometimes. Even thought I can see the house aging, as well as my grandparents. It just doesn't have anything to do with those things. It's something else. Lately I've been thinking, it must have something to do with the contrast with them and Granny: While she has fully adapted to each decade she has lived (actually, I often think she's ahead of her time) my other grandparents seem to have stayed somewhere in the times of their youth. Not that they stopped aging. Just, like they stopped moving. That's all I can think of, to explain the stillness I feel in their house. It's not a negative feeling, not necessarily. I think my grandparents are happy people. It's just a different kind of happiness from what I seem to be inclined to strive for. I can't seem to stop mentally moving towards the future at all times.

It's only the house, though. Outside feels completely different. Not still. Timeless. Stillness gets suffocating at times, but... timelessness is where you can truly breath. Well, that's what it feels like to me. I wouldn't claim it doesn't have anything to do with how the air is cleaner than in the city, or how this was the only place where I could really run free, when I was small. But, I also don't feel like that's all there is to it.

Maybe because it's another world, I also feel like I'm different here. Sort of like you're a little bit of a different person depending on who you're with, but it's stronger, because it's entirely another world. A world where I always like to be alone, and never feel lonely. Where there's always enough space to be, and I feel at ease not doing anything special. That's why it has become increasingly important to cherish the limited time I can spend here.

Right now, Granny is talking to Grandma, about some new cosmological detail she learned from a documentary a couple of days ago, over a cup of tea they're having in the kitchen. But it's not Granny's idea of tea: there is no large selection of either, tea or cookies. And it's not Grandma's idea of a good topic, since it's not something you can plant in the garden or use to clean the copper stains from the bathroom floor. At some point they will give up, and talk about cooking, which is the only thing they both seem to care about, even if their views about it are completely different. What I find interesting, and nice, is how they never agree about anything, yet I've never heard them raise their voices at each other. Grandpa is doing his favourite thing: showing off his stamp collection to my parents. Mom is endlessly fascinated, and Dad is endlessly bored by it, and neither of them can resist the opportunity to express their opinion: Mom enthusiastically, and Dad in subtle ways which won't get on Grandpa's nerves too much.

So, everyone is occupied for at least the next two hours. It's my cue to go out and wander. I know no one will mind.

It's funny how sometimes you don't even realize how much you miss something when you're used to being without it. Only when it's there again, you begin to wonder how you got by without it in the first place.

Like this: I walk outside and there's no one in sight. The only movement is leaves and grass rustling in the wind. It's quiet enough to hear it clearly. In the city you could never just walk out and immediately be alone. The familiarity of this scene makes me stop and sigh with satisfaction. It's been so long since the last time I was here, and still it feels as normal as anything.

There are so many memories attached to this place. So many places that used to feel magical. When you're a child, a batch of trees, nowhere near big enough to be a forest, can feel bigger than your entire world. Especially when you spend most of your time inside small rooms, and can't go out to wander alone. But that's also why my Dad wanted to bring me here often when I was smaller. He wanted me to also know what it's like to grow up with the kind of freedom he had in this place. I'll always be grateful for it, especially because ever since I was a child, I've felt like it's only here where my imagination can run wild without restrictions.

Maybe that's a part of how I feel like I change when I come here. Because, while we grow up, there's always a mold we're supposed to grow into, layer by layer. And one day it's supposed to be a perfect fit. Not that I believe it ever really is. No matter how much you look the part.

I feel like I never brought that mold with me when I came here. So, even now, it's like here it doesn't exist. Because this is the only place where I get to be completely alone. Where I don't have anyone to cast my shape. I'm just me. Maybe that's why I feel so different here. Maybe it means I can only really be me, when I'm alone.

It isn't a sad thought, though. I don't feel like there's anything inherently wrong with it. I think most people are like this, at least to some, small degree. For me the contrast just happens to be greater than average. So, more than anything, being as alone as this, is refreshing. Nobody knows the person who ran among the trees as a child. Nobody knows anything about the pretend games I played by myself. Not even my family. Nobody knows what goes through my mind when I come here, even now.

Again, it's not lonely. Somehow, I seem to get strength from it. Having something that's just mine: some things that don't have to have anything to do with anyone else but me. The world is such a loud place, and it's not just sounds. It's everything. Everything is so full of people's feelings, and energy, and the atmosphere all of it creates. And I seem to absorb it like a sponge. I think that's why I retreat into my head so much. But, the thing is, there's no way to completely escape the noise unless I'm really alone. Times like these are the only times when I really get to be in my head alone, without anyone else's energy invading the space.

And that's why it's only times like these... that I really notice my own thoughts. It's like, normally, the presence of everyone else's thoughts and feelings demands so much attention I hardly realize I have them too. I keep thinking that's the ultimate reason why it's hard for everyone else to see me. Because I don't see me either. It must be true that others will treat you like you treat yourself.

It's not like I'm doing it on purpose though. It's not like I know why it happens, why it seems to be so much easier to absorb what's coming from others, than to hear my own inner voice. But alone... I can hear myself clearly. I notice things I don't normally think about. Just by letting my mind wander, they occur to me. Sometimes they are specific past events, sometimes more general truths, that make me realize things I didn't notice at the moment they were happening. Things like...

When my opinion on something was asked, I ended up saying close to nothing, because I was thinking more about what everyone else might be thinking about it, than what I was. But while it all happened I didn't realize this. I only figured I didn't have much to say. Or somebody said I was quiet or calm and I accepted it. And only now when I'm alone, I notice that inside I was not quiet or calm. That there are a lot of things inside me that never get out.

To put it plainly, what I say and do, doesn't often reflect what's going on inside me very well. Because I'm too busy reflecting others.

I'm not a puppet. I don't think so, anyway. I have a sense of my own long term values. It's the immediate feelings and thoughts I get out of touch with. And that's why I need the solitude. I need it to check, every now and then, what I'm actually feeling. Because otherwise all of that is lost among everyone else's voices.

Maybe this is why Kagami-kun thinks I'm... an odd mix of a loner and a people person. Or something like that. I see now, where the guilt I felt back then was coming from. It's because “alone” is like a curse word to me. And yet, sometimes alone is the only way I feel I can breathe. I felt like a hypocrite, because he said I was “preaching togetherness”. I felt as if I would only be in a position to do that, if I kept no part of myself just for me.

But, I don't feel like that now. Today I see better. My head doesn't feel clouded by anything, so now it seems obvious to me there was nothing to feel guilty about in the first place. There are different kinds of being alone. It's not the same, being alone because you're running away from people, and being alone because you're trying to get in touch with yourself better. Those are completely different things. So, the times I need to be alone, are not because I don't want to be with others. They are so that I can be with others better.

Isn't that something I've already figured out a thousand times? How is it so easy to forget sometimes, to go back to old, bad habits of thought?

When I let my thoughts live their own life for long enough, I always start feeling like they are one with the surroundings. Like this time, when I'm walking down my grandparents' hill, towards the familiar lake, not too far away. My thoughts might just as well have been carried to me by the wind blowing at my face. Inside or outside, same difference. I entertain silly thoughts like that.

I walk through woods I used to play in, as a child. I pretended there were trolls and fairies in there. A memory comes back to me, that a few times I played there with a neighbourhood kid who was also spending the summer at his grandparents. I remember there was a fountain in the woods, and we were supposed to save it from an unknown curse that appeared as a dark substance that would engulf the woods by sundown. I made all that up, of course. In the end the other kid got so scared he ran home crying, and I never saw him again.

It was the first time I remember losing a friend over something that seems trivial in retrospect. I was more imaginative than most other kids, but I also had more control over my imagination. It was natural for me to blur the lines between reality and pretend, and I never thought anything about it. It never made me scared, because I never really lost track of what was real. Well, how could a child realize it wasn't like that for everyone? How could I have realized it wasn't enough for another kid, my word that something was safe?

Yes, imagination, I was always good at. Having friends, not so much, not when I was small. I only gradually became better at it.

The lake is shimmering in the sunlight. It brings back other kind of memories, more recent, and still they seem like they could be from someone else's life, much more than the older ones from the woods.

I have a cache here. I made it about a year ago, when I realized I was done with it. The notebook.

It seems sort of embarrassing, and this is the only place where it felt less like it. The only place where no one could accidentally find it and connect it to me in any way. I was thinking about burning it, but in the end, I couldn't, so I buried it here, under a rock.

I started writing poems in seventh grade. Unbelievably angsty, intense, romantic, naïve poems. Some of them less like poems, and more like rants, or letters to unknown people. They were loaded with feelings that weren't mine. I was never an angsty teenager, not even when things weren't so great for me. I was never any of the things I wrote on those pages of that notebook. It always confused me, back then. I didn't understand, where could all those feelings be coming from, if they weren't mine?

I only realized it after the impulse to write about them was already decreasing.

They really weren't my feelings. They were feelings of other people, things I was picking up on around me, mixed with my imagination and interpretation. I think, it was that time, around the start of middle school, that I really started to absorb those things, to much greater extend than I had as a child. And because it was new, I was so overwhelmed by it that I needed an outlet for it. Having read as many books as I had, and used my imagination as freely as I had as a child, what would have been more natural way to do it, than writing?

I guess it could be because the end of middle school was, in many ways a turning point for me, I also stopped writing those things. I... might have been thinking that nothing good had come out of that habit. It hadn't improved my understanding of other people at all, since everything ended so badly, back then. That's what I felt like. That in the end, even if those things I wrote did somewhat represent what went on in the heads of some of my peers, I had failed to use that understanding for any constructive purpose.

That was the other reason. The other was, that, if anyone ever happened to read those things... I realized how hard it would be to explain anyone how those things weren't my thoughts. All of them were written in first person and were vague enough to read as if they were all thoughts of one person only. Together with the fact that they actually weren't, the whole thing kind of read like a diary of someone manic-depressive and delusional. I just kept thinking how hard it would be to explain I wasn't really feeling those feelings, even though I took them upon me. Just like it was too hard to explain to that neighbourhood kid that the things I made up weren't actually real.

So, that's why I hid them somewhere as odd as this.

At least, I told myself that those were the only reasons. That it had nothing to do with the fact that most boys my age would consider writing poems embarrassing. But now I think it must have been a little bit about that too. I'm just not so cool that other people's opinions wouldn't affect me at all. They've never stopped me from doing things I want, but it's not like they don't make me _feel_ anything.

I think I'm going to dig the notebook up one of these days. And then I can probably laugh at my younger self. But not yet.

Suddenly I remember I did have something specific I thought I should figure out during the spring break. I don't know if it's because of the notebook: if I see some of the drama of my writings reflected back to me in her person, or if it's something else, but Mitsuhara-san's face seems to appear in front of me.

Yes, what is it, that still makes me think about her so often? I thought I only paid attention to her because I thought she liked Kagami-kun. But if that was true, figuring out it wasn't the case should have given me closure. But I keep thinking there's something I should figure out. Not really about her. I guess I need to figure out why she still remains so... interesting to me. So, I guess it's more about me then. Somehow it seems a little bit different from just... liking her as a person. If that was it, why would it bother me? Why would I feel uneasy about something?

I can't deny it, I'm kind of excited to see her again. But also uneasy, if not a little scared. Why would I feel like that?

My thoughts are starting to reach the point where I'm not so good at thinking about them alone anymore.

 

Mom is standing her back against the wall in the hallway when I get back. It's obvious she's playing hide and seek with Dad. She wins every time. Except, on special occasions she lets Dad win.

I whisper:

– I'm back. Where's Granny?

– Out in the back veranda, she answers, even more quietly. Then she grins slightly.

– Come play with us, she whispers.

– Maybe later. I need to find Granny first.

– Ok, take your time.

There she is, sitting behind the house in a garden chair, with a drink, when I go out through the back door in the living room. I go sit in the chair next to her. She has been humming to herself, eyes closed, but she opens them and turns to me, smiling.

– Done with your narcotisation in nature? she asks. Then her look turns curious and she tilts her head.

– Is something wrong, dear? she asks.

– I... hope not.

– But?

– I think I need your help.

– Hmm.

She seems to be in a good mood, (When isn't she, really?) looking relaxed, sipping her drink.

– So, tell me.

I start gathering my thoughts.

– Well. There's this girl...

I pause, and Granny bursts out laughing. She leans back in her chair and says:

– Don't tell me you were just trying to fool me into thinking you finally came to me for love advice!

– Yes. Because I knew you wouldn't fall for it.

She laughs more. Then I say:

– The truth is, it's partially ironic because I'm not… completely certain it’s not the case.

The curiosity in her eyes seems to get a slightly more serious look.

– Okay, bluebird, start singing, she says, and leans her chin to her fist.

I sigh.

– I know I like her. But I don't _like_ her like her. But then... I'm not sure I don't like her like her anymore.

– Hmm. Why not?

– Because... I might be in denial.

– And what is there to be in denial for?

– Because it's... really inconvenient.

– What is?

– To be asexual and not also be aromantic. It's just... it seems like it would be really complicated. That it's better to just not like anyone at all, if you're asexual. The chance that it could work out just seems so... small.

Granny exhales through her nose with a smile.

– But that's not really how it is, right? she says. – Everyone is complicated, and every relationship is complicated, be it a platonic or a romantic one. The only way to make things not complicated is to turn away from them. It might feel safe, but it's not healthy, you know that.

– I know. That's why I'm worried I'm doing it.

Granny nods.

– So, let's put it this way, she says. – You like this person. But you don't like like her. And yet, there's something a little bit different than usual.

I blink.

– Yes.

– Haha, don't look so surprised. There has to be something different, otherwise you wouldn't be doubting yourself, would you?

– I guess not.

– So, tell me again, how exactly does she make you feel?

Granny looks away. She knows I'm not good at explaining things like these. I look to the ground and try my best.

– I'm eager to see her. And I feel a little embarrassed about it. It's just... like there's something about the air around her that seems to... pull me. I don't know how else to put it. Like you said, it seems different than just liking someone as a person. But then again, not that much.

– Hmm. Well, there's definitely nothing wrong, I can guarantee you that, she says with a smirk. – Congratulations, I think what you're experiencing, might be a squish.

I blink.

– A what?

She chuckles.

– It's basically just an attraction for someone's personality. It can feel a lot like a crush, butterflies and all, but it's platonic. It's not a well-known word, but anyone can get them, not just aces and aros. God knows I've had squishes!

I nod.

– So, that's what it is, I say.

– Well, only you can know what you feel, dear.

I nod again.

– So, tell me about her, Granny says, relaxing in her chair again.

– What should I tell?

– Anything! She's a new friend right, so I don't know anything about her.

– Yes... Well, she's in the drama club. I sort of ended up helping them out with their practice once, and... I just had fun with her. I rarely feel that comfortable talking to someone right away. Maybe it's the way she seems to speak her mind without a second thought.

I pause. Granny waits.

– And there's something... a little bit edgy about her. And she's a little bit dramatic. Just a little. Like in the end she's actually holding most of herself back, even though she seems so outspoken.

I shrug and face the ground again.

– That's the feeling I get anyway. I don't know if it makes sense, but I feel like we are somehow similar, but at the same time completely different.

– Well, it's no wonder you like her then, says Granny, with a smile.

– I guess so, I answer with one too.

It seems simple enough now. I wonder what I was so worked up about. Maybe I'm just a kuudere, maybe that's my problem.

 

Towards the end of the spring break I start feeling a little self-conscious about how little contact I've had with the outside world. Any message I've got I've answered with barely more than a few words. I didn't think about it before, but now I'm hoping no one read anything into it. I especially hope Momoi-san doesn't think I was being cold on purpose, since her messages are clearly the longest. I'm wondering what I should say if she brings it up sometime. Somehow, “I just needed alone time” never works well with people, especially her type. They will immediately think they've done something wrong.

I make more effort the last one and a half day that's still left, and by the time school starts, I feel like I've mentally crawled out of the chamber of my mind, ready to be a part of the outside world again.

This year will bring a lot of new things with it. That much I'm sure of.

 

I need to get something off of my mind, so I go look for Mitsuhara-san the first lunch break. She's not at the library, or her club-, or her classroom. Eventually, I do see her from a window, sitting on a bench outside, eating alone. I go down to see her.

I lean over the back of the bench.

– How was your break, Mitsuhara-san?

– Argh! she yelps and turns to look at me. She shakes her head with a sigh.

– You... you've seriously got to stop giving people heart attacks! Especially when they're clearly thinking about something!

– I'm sorry.

– Yeah, yeah.

– Do you want to be alone and think?

– Nah. I think I've got it already, she says and pats the bench, so I sit next to her.

– So, how was your break? I ask again. She raises her brows at me.

– You actually want to know? You weren't just saying that?

I nod.

– Well, okay..., she says and munches her bread. – Well it was uneventful. I stayed inside playing video games. Hardly saw anyone.

I think she might be able to sense it, so I just say:

– Actually, I did come here for something.

– Figures, she says, shrugging with her brows.

– I sort of have a confession to make.

She stops munching and her eyes seem to narrow when she looks at me. Then she swallows, and says:

– Okay.

She keeps eating and looking at me.

– Last year when your friend was asking after Kagami-kun... The whole time, I actually thought it was you.

She squints.

– What?

– I thought you were talking about yourself instead of a friend. I got carried away. I'm sorry.

She stares at me blankly, then gives a laugh. She sounds a bit relieved.

– You know... for a second there I thought you had a _confession_ to make... God, stop scaring me.

Then her eyes widen a bit, and she adds:

– I didn't mean...! Geez, why do I open my mouth at all? I don't mean there's anything wrong with you, okay? I do like you, okay? Just not like that.

I can't help but smile. I'm not about to tell her I said what I did on purpose and got the reaction I wanted. I just wanted to make sure.

– Actually, I'm glad to hear that.

– You are? Oh, good, she says, and sighs. – That would've been awkward.

Then she turns sharply to me again.

– You thought I was lying about my friend? Please. Who is that unoriginal anymore?

– I'm sorry. Like I said, I got carried away.

She shrugs.

– I don't mean you need to apologize. You could've just let it be.

I shrug.

– I felt like I should get it off of my mind.

– Okay. Well, I guess I could be offended that you thought I would do such a thing. But you didn't know me, so that would be dumb. So, apology accepted, anyway.

– Thank you.

She finishes her bread.

– Oh, and she's over him, by the way. My friend. Said he wasn't at all like she thought he was.

I chuckle a bit.

– I see. Well, that's hardly surprising. Kagami-kun can be pretty clumsy when it comes to talking to people.

She nods absentmindedly. Then she winces a little.

– So, I do look like that, after all, huh, she says. Almost to herself, like she's still debating whether to say that, even though she already did.

– Um... like what?

She glances at me.

– Like... Like I’d be into guys.

She looks down. I blink.

– I... honestly didn't think whether you look like that or not. I think that's rarely something you can tell just by someone's looks. With most people.

She nods and gives me another look.

– Well, I'm not. Into guys.

She's looking at me like it's a challenge. I feel like I'm being tested, the way she's waiting for my reaction. I feel like there are more than one way to accept that challenge, and I find myself saying:

– Well, neither am I.

She squints.

– Very funny.

I find the will to go on.

– Why is it funny?

She rolls her eyes.

– It's just a supposedly funny way of saying you're straight!

– Is it? Because I don't feel that way about girls either.

She stares. I look back. She sighs.

– Okay, how did _I_ turn out as the inconsiderate heteronormative party in this conversation? You totally look the part!

I can't help but squint a little.

– I really don't think it's about looks.

– So now I'm also the one who stereotypes! she lets out with frustration.

– I never said that.

– Look, I'm really sorry! Okay? I'm aware that I'm tactless, and I hate it, but what can I do?

– It's okay.

She stops and looks at me.

– It is? she asks.

– Yes. I'm sorry too. I set a trap for you, so you would say those things, I admit. – I felt like you were testing me, so... I did the same. I shouldn't have.

Now the corner of her mouth curls slightly.

– So, you have a tiny bit of aggression somewhere in there, after all. Good to know, she says. Then her smile disappears, and her eyes sharpen. She leans a bit towards me and says:

– I'm not out, by the way. So you can't tell anyone. I decide who I trust enough.

– That goes without saying.

She nods, satisfied.

– I'm not either, I say. She smirks slightly.

– Can aces be out? I mean, if that's what you are.

I nod, but say:

– That is another inconsiderate thing to say, Mitsuhara-san.

She chuckles.

– I'm sorry, I suppose it's a bad joke. But it is a little funny, you have to admit, she says. – Because it's just... an absence of something. Like darkness is just an absence of light.

Somehow, it feels a little like she unknowingly punched me. Like I'm a little too true to my life style. She's looking ahead now, and nods towards a couple of trees on the grounds.

– Like those shadows of the trees, she says with a ghost of a smile. – I mean, they're not really there. They're not a thing. They are an un-thing. It's just a patch of grass the light doesn't touch. A shadow isn't something that really even exists. Isn't it funny?

What am I supposed to say to that?

I know she's just musing. But...

– That doesn't mean it has no meaning, I say, even though it seems a little difficult for my voice to come out.

She turns to me with surprise in her eyes.

– What you're saying, I continue. – Would you also say that about other things? Like... death? It's just an absence of life. But saying it's nothing, seems wrong, considering how much it means. To people.

She smiles again.

– But, metaphysically speaking, it _is_ nothing. It isn't anything.

– And yet, I force out. – It's something meaningful enough to need a name. Something so central to human experience there are countless of personifications, stories, rituals, music and art dedicated to it.

– Yes, she says, nodding. – But it's all just imagination. It's all illusion.

She looks absentminded again, fiddling with the hem of her skirt.

– Because none of those things really exist, she says. – They are all just the same, big, faceless nothing. Death, shadows, silence. Things like that. They're not really _things_. They're not even separate un-things. It's impossible for there to be more than just one nothing. Absence. People are fooling themselves by giving it different names. They're all the same big absence, that eventually engulfs all things that actually are.

I don't know where her thoughts are coming from. I don't know what it is inside her that makes her seem to partially drift away while she speaks of those things.

What she's saying has stopped feeling like accidental punches. This isn't about me, in anyway, and I don't know why I was self-conscious at all in the first place. Her metaphors are coming from a place different from mine. So, I'm just trying to understand. I'm just listening.

Somehow, she has painted the image of that unknown, dark substance in my mind, the thing I imagined engulfing the woods when I was child.

She looks down.

– Well, it's wrong to say “engulf”, she says. – It's nothing, so it can't do anything. It's not active. It's just that all things eventually... disappear. Collapse into nothing, like stars. And then there's just nothing. Then there just isn't anything.

She chuckles just a little bit.

– That's why I really want to... be something, while I'm alive, she says, and somehow, I get the impression that all light was drained from her face for a while, and now it has come back. It flickers in her eyes. She continues:

– I mean, of course, you're always _something_ when you're alive. But, I see some people acting like... like they're not trying to be anything. Or worse, they negate themselves. They're just the bare minimum on being something, because they happen to be alive. I want to be... as much “something” as I can, as opposed to “nothing”, while I can, you know? Like, I can only speak my mind while I'm alive, right? So I better speak as much of it as I can. Because that's something. Being silent is nothing. I'll be silent when I'm gone. When I turn to nothing. So why would I want to be silent, be nothing, while I'm still here?

She pauses, and sighs.

– Is that why you like acting? I ask. – So that you can be as many different people as possible, while you can?

She turns to me with a surprise in her smile. It widens a bit.

– Something like that, I guess, she says, nodding. Then she seems to get a bit self-conscious.

– Sorry for saying so much, she says. – You have... something about your presence. It's not the first time I feel like you're inviting me to speak without saying anything. It's curious.  
I look down.

– Maybe... I just seemed like an absence you should fill with something.

She chuckles and shakes her head.

– No. I don’t think that's it. Anyway, I got a little carried away.

– That's okay.

– I wasn't really saying that aces are nothing or anything like that, you know.

– I know.

– I mean. Everyone has things that are missing about them. Everyone has things they're not doing. I don't mean everyone should be doing everything. That's really dumb. Uh, especially in the dirty sense, but I didn't mean that. I just get sick of people who aren't really doing anything real, you know? People who have like, more absence of things in their life, than they have things. Like, they have so much time they could use, or silence they could fill, you know? Blank spaces in their lives. You know what happens, when that goes on? Someone else comes and fills those blanks for them, be it society, or family, or anyone... So, I feel like, people should take control of themselves while they can. They should be active, and not let things be decided for them.

She glances at me. I nod.

– Yes, I think what you are saying makes sense in many ways.

Still, when we are heading back to our classes, I feel sort of a hollowness somewhere in my mind.

 

I'm in the same class with Kagami-kun again. Surprisingly enough, we are still sitting close to the window, and I'm sitting in front of him now. He looks at me when I get to my desk, but he soon turns to look out the window, without saying anything.

I wonder if I've done something to annoy him. Or not done something. But it can't be my silence during the spring break, because he didn't keep any more contact than I did.

It might be nothing. Maybe he's just gone back to not wondering where I was every single time.

Or he could be avoiding me, I guess. But I can't think of a reason why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs I listened to:
> 
> 3 Things - Jason Mraz  
> 93 Million Miles - Jason Mraz


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title says it all.

# 12th: Denial

# Kagami

I'm _not_ falling for Kuroko. I mean, _why_ do I even have to consciously think about something that goes without saying? It's like Coach and her questions, I feel like a complete idiot even having to deny it, that's how much I _don't_ like him like that!

Right?

As I thought, it's all Coach's fault. That I'm looping. That I'm now aware of the theoretical possibility of it. Otherwise I never would've even thought about something so far-fetched! I mean, it's Kuroko, for God's sake. It's ridiculous... It's so ridiculous.

I mean, it's not like I've spent the spring break worrying about it. That's totally not how I've spend the precious days of freedom! No way...

I mean I don't _like_ him. Why would I like him? What is there that should make me fall for him? I can't come up with a single thing! Absolutely not. No way. He's not my type. Can't be.

I'm staring at his back right now, and all I can think of is how he's absolutely not my type.

I mean, not that I know what my type is. Not that I've actually even really fallen for a guy. (Heck, it's been years since I've liked anyone at all.) I just kinda always had a feeling I lacked the ability to care about what people have in their pants. Like, if I liked someone, that would not be one of my concerns. Like hell would something so trivial stop me, if I wanted to have sex with someone!

But, it was always hypothetical. So, I just hypothetically figured I would be pansexual. That, and because the couple of embarrassing crushes I had on girls in middle school had pretty much nothing to do with how they looked. I figured you don't fall for people for their looks. It's more like, if you come to like someone, they're gonna look great, no matter what!

There I was, thinking other guys were stupid and shallow, while all along, I was the odd one! Hah! Who would've thought? Apparently, it's a thing to be demisexual, and apparently I'm that. And if it's true, that I'm pan, and demi, then Kuroko is within the possible people I could fall for. Damn Coach for making me aware of it!

It's not like I'm usually aware of that type of thing. I'm just not one of those people who are constantly looking for a possible date. Most of the time, falling in love, and the like, seems more like insanity to me, than something worth all the time an energy and drama people put into it. I'm not saying I don't see any appeal in it. (Even though I can't say I liked it exactly, having embarrassing feelings for someone.) Anyway, It's just not one of my top priorities.

– Kagami-kun?

Hearing his voice, I get so startled I think my heart leaps into my throat.

– Argh! What?! Damn you, for always scaring me!

My heart is still pounding. Kuroko is standing next to my desk. Looking at his face, I get the impression he's not pleased.

– It's not my fault this time, he says. – You didn't even notice the class ended. I was merely trying to wake you up from your daydreams.

– Hah. Well, maybe I just didn't want to be woken up?

– ...

– What?

– You're in a bad mood.

– Hah. Not especially.

I turn back to the window. I expect Kuroko to say something, but he doesn't. When I glance back, he's gone.

Damn it. My heart still won't stop pounding.

 

I make more effort to act normal around Kuroko. I mean what the fuck, why should I be avoiding him? This isn't about him, really, right? It's all that damn Coach's fault. It's got nothing to do with him. Really. It's not like I was avoiding him during the break either. I mean, he was away most of it, so how could I have, right? It wasn't up to me.

He doesn't say anything about my mood again, so I must be acting normal? Right?

Or I don't know. Because suddenly he's not around much. Disappears every break for a few days. But it's not like it has to be because of me, right? It's not like he never did that before.

I wonder if he's with that girl again.

– Kagamiii? Hello?? Why do you look so angry?

It's Koganei waving his hand in front of my face.

– I'm not angry!

– Geez, you don't believe that yourself, yelling like that... You know you could have said if this bothered you that much.

Koganei made me help with putting up more flyers of the club. Said we'd have an advantage because I would be able to put them higher on the walls than anyone from most other clubs. According to his logic, if we worked fast, we'd have more flyers on the walls than anyone else, before someone would think of competing for the space up there, and bring ladders... He seems entirely too enthusiastic about getting lots of new members. I mean what the heck is that about? It's not like we've ever won by numbers. That's not our style. Too many new people could fuck up the whole system, if you ask me.

– That's not why I'm angry!

– Huh. So, you admit you're angry about something.

– No, I'm not angry about anything!

He squints hard.

– Then, did you hit your toe or something?

– No!

Insufferable. I mean, what the heck? I'm not angry. There's nothing for me to be angry about! Why would I be angry, huh?

I just don't think I like that girl. I mean, I'm not jealous! Hah! Why the heck would I be jealous? My instinct just says there's something unpleasant about her. I just don't like her. I don't know why Kuroko seems to.

 

So, try-outs come, and there's like a million guys wanting in. Seriously it's like five or more times the members we have now. Coach is exhilarated, so is Koganei. And it's not like everyone else is unenthusiastic.

– What the heck? At this rate we're gonna need fucking strings...

I must have said that out loud because Kuroko elbows me from behind, and says:

– Be more inclusive, Kagami-kun. You were just new yourself.

– Argh! Well, maybe I would if that mop head would stop glaring at me like I ate his shoes!

– Asahina-kun, you mean.

– Like I care!

On top of everything, I really didn't need some idiot freshman ogling me. I mean what the heck? What have I done to him? I've never seen the dude in my life!

I'm trying to be all rational and mature about it and ignore him. But it gets worse, 'cause the guy is acting like he owns the fucking club! Talking big at Coach and others... He just came here! I mean, I wasn't that bad last year? Right??

My attempt at confirming that doesn't go so great, because Kuroko just says I was mean to him back then. Is he angry at me for something now, or is he just being typically annoying?? I can't even tell.

Of course, I end up losing it and shouting at the new guy anyway, by day two. I mean, first, he's shaming this other new guy for being weak, and I think fine, whatever, best not to get involved, someone wiser will deal with it anyway. But of course, it's Kuroko who stands up for the new kid, and then I can't help it, the mop head guy really crosses the line, he has the nerve to look down on Kuroko, like he knows what he's talking about and everyone else here is a moron! The guy has no fucking clue about anything! So how on earth could I not blow up at him? He was so asking for it! Some guys just won't listen until you punch them in the face! (I didn't do it though! Not yet, anyway.)

But I'm just dumbfounded by the end of the day. 'Cause apparently this Asahina-dude was _admiring_ me. What the actual fuck. Like I even want someone so full of himself to admire me! He claims he wasn't glaring at me, but simply looking. Like hell. What the heck is wrong with people? Like, that girl who supposedly liked me, but she acted like I was an open fire she couldn't go near, even with a stick!

I just feel like giving up. I don't get people.

Okay, one good thing comes out of those painful days: Almost all the new guys give up after Coach has tortured them in every possible way. Only two of them remain. Downside: One of them is Asahina. And when I don't have the sense not to complain about it out loud, Kuroko lectures me again. I throw some magazine, that was lying on the bench, at him, and get out of the changing room.

I can't help but notice Kuroko hasn't talked to me all day. Great. So, I really must have made him angry, even though I've tried so hard to be normal, and put everything annoying that has to do with Coach's mindfuck, or the new annoying guys, out of my mind. But, after practise, Coach says the club room is dusty and makes me stay behind and clean it, instead of the first years, because I haven't been a good example to them these days!

Fuck. I don't even know what I'm doing wrong!

But everyone is gone already and I have no one to complain to, so I just sigh loudly and kick the bench in the middle of the room.

– Kagami-kun, please don't break it.

His voice doesn't even startle me. I just turn to see him standing behind me, leaning into the lockers.

– Hey, I don't need pity or help, so if that's why you're here...

– I have another reason, Kuroko says.

– Huh.

He just stands there, looking at me, his arms behind his back. Then he says:

– Have you... been avoiding me lately?

– Hah! It's you who hasn't talked to me all day!

– I'm not talking about today.

– Well, still! What are you complaining about? It's you who disappears every break, anyway!

His face doesn't say anything. Annoying.

– That's only because I thought you wanted to be alone.

– Why the heck would you think that! Isn't that just an excuse to run to that girl!

Now he blinks.

– Mitsuhara-san?

– Whatever!

– Of course not. She has other friends. It would be rude to monopolize someone like that.

– Huh, whatever.

– Why did you even bring her up, Kagami-kun?

– No reason! I just don't like her!

His brows move slightly, like he's annoyed.

– Of course you don't, he says quietly, averting his gaze, and something about it annoys me.

– What's that supposed to mean?

– Well. You just don't really like new people, he says, turning back to me.

– What do you mean?

– You don't like the new first years either.

– Huh. Whatever.

– It's just like you to resist change, he mumbles, looking away.

– Hey! If this is what you came here for..., I start yelling, but...

Then he looks at me again, and the look in his eyes is completely different. That aloof front is gone, and he's gazing at me with those sincere, concerned, caring... even vulnerable, blue eyes.

– Please, Kagami-kun. Tell me, have I done something to make you angry? he says, and there's no blame in his voice, only worry. Suddenly, in this small room, it feels like his face is really close.

Heat rises to my face. Next thing I know is, I slam my fist into the locker, just beside his ear. I don't know if his eyes widen slightly or not, but he doesn't blink.

– Stop prying, I snarl at him, staring straight into his eyes. He doesn't look away.

– I'm not. I'm only asking.

– Well, stop!

– Why?

– Because...

Yeah, why? Nothing's wrong with me, right?

– Because it's better this way, I say.

– Why?

His look is blank again.

– You wouldn't even understand! You don't know...

I swallow and follow the urge to punch the locker with my other fist too. I swear, I'm just as close to punching Kuroko as well...

Kuroko sighs.

– Kagami-kun. This is really unhealthy. Raging like this.

– Huh?

– You're just trying to scare me away.

– What?

– I'm not scared of you, Kagami-kun. I don't know why you're trying to make me think that whatever is bothering you is too much for me to handle, but it isn't working. So, give up.

And just like that he disarms me.

My head goes silent. My fists loosen on their own. That anger I said wasn't there... Now I couldn't hold on to it, if I wanted to. I just feel like an idiot. It's like he emptied me, somehow. And looking at those eyes, looking back at me, those open, deep, humble, blue eyes... How can I fight it?

My heart is pounding, faster and faster. My face is tingling with heat. My anger is gone, but still... I'm burning up.

When he opens his mouth to say something, I startle and step away from him. My mouth opens, but no sound comes out.

I run out of the room.

 

The next day, walking to school, I feel calmer. Actually, I feel a little ashamed, so I guess that's making it harder to be angry about anything. When I get to the classroom, I'm glad to see Kuroko is there already. I go straight to him.

– Hey. I'm sorry. About yesterday.

He glances in my general direction but doesn't fully look me in the eye.

– It's okay. I covered for you, so don't worry about it.

– Right, that...

I scratch my head. Yeah, it really wasn't cool to leave him there. He should've just left the room dusty, like it was, so I would have gotten into trouble again. I would've deserved it, after all.

– Yeah, I'm sorry about that too, I say. – But, other things as well.

He looks at his hands on his desk.

– I'm sorry too, he says. – I realize I must have pushed it too far. To make you that uncomfortable. I didn't realize it was something you really didn't want to talk about. So, I apologize.

– Uh. It's fine, it's not really that serious, I was sort of out of it...

– Besides, it isn't my business, he says, turning to look at me. – I mean, as long as it isn't somehow about me...

– Yeah..! I blurt. – Absolutely not about you.

He keeps looking at me for a moment. Then he nods.

– Okay.

– Yeah. Cool.

I move to my desk. When I sit, he turns halfway towards me.

– Kagami-kun... You still know you can talk to me, don't you?

My throat goes kinda dry. But I say:

– Yeah.

 

Obviously enough, Kuroko is the last person I can talk to. But it's not like I want to talk to anyone. This is something I need to get over by myself. The problem is, I don't know how. I've been this way the whole spring break and everyday since school started. Angry. Anxious. All because of... that, sheer possibility...

Pathetic.

I guess I've kinda calmed down now or something, today feels kinda different... But I still can't relax. Every time Kuroko comes around, my mouth dries and I start feeling like a stick...

Yeah, that's, if possible, even more pathetic. God knows how I ended up like this.

I need to be normal. Fake it, 'til you make it, right? Fake it 'til you make it... I just need to repeat that to myself often enough.

When Kuroko tries to leave during lunch break again, I tell him to eat with me. He looks a bit surprised I guess, but he stays.

I mean, I have to make conscious effort. I have to be able to be normal with him. I have to be able to work together with him. This, whatever it is, that's bugging my head, can't start affecting basketball. That would simply be the end of me. So, every time he tries to sneak away, I tell him to stay. I make up some reason. Something to talk about. Just to force myself to be with him. Avoiding him isn't going to help me.

I bet he can still tell I'm weird.

 

My God the day has been horrible. I'm so relieved when classes finally end, and club practice starts. Now I can put my useless thoughts away and forget about everything else. I mean, I'm not that far out of it yet. I can still do it. I just need to be playing basketball, and suddenly I'm not thinking about anything anymore. I can just forget about Kuroko too. I mean, not completely of course, just that I don't need to pay any more attention to him than is necessary. Any more than I normally do. I think it's working. It's so working. My mind is empty.

If I can only do this outside of court, everything will be fine. Everything's going to be fine. At least, I think so, before Coach comes up to me and says she needs to have a word with me, again, after practice.

So...

I was wrong. Something's wrong after all. It's affecting me anyway. Even here. I can't believe this. I don't want to talk to her, but of course I have to. If there really is something so seriously wrong with me, that she needs to lecture me again, then I can't do anything but suck it up, and face the facts.

When we're alone, I feel a pressing need to swallow hard and look away from her. But then she marches up to me, with her arms crossed, with a... smile on her face?

– Good work, Kagami-kun. That's the best you've been since the beginning of the semester. Whatever changed, keep it up, it seems to be working.

I stare at her, dumbfounded. No... she's lying. There has to be something wrong with me. There just has to be...

– But..., she says, and tilts her head. – Your face is telling me something else is wrong.

– There's nothing wrong with me!

It just comes out of my mouth before I can think anything. She sighs and looks kinda worked up.

– Then why do I get the feeling, like... like you want something to be wrong?

I just grunt, which is obviously the wrong thing to do. She narrows her eyes and looks at me sharply.

– You know, Kagami-kun... I was going to ask you what's wrong with you, just yesterday, in fact. But then you suddenly got better, and I thought I could let it go. But... Now, something is telling me we need to have a talk about it, after all.

– There's...! There's nothing...!

Why is everyone grilling me?

– Could it have something to do with what I told you before the break?

A wave of heat, and then of cold, goes through me. She so did not need to bring that up again.

– Why would it have anything to do with that??

I find myself gritting my teeth. Her brows draw closer together.

– Because, until today, you've been avoiding Kuroko-kun like a plague. And now, you're hyper aware of him.

– What!?

– So, obviously there's something going on there. And don't tell me it's not my business.

– Didn't you just say I was better today!?

– I did, she nods. – Apparently, it's not affecting you negatively. If we take it into consideration, it might even turn out usef–

– That's bullshit!

She sighs again, and squints.

– Please, Kagami-kun, relax. I'm not attacking you here, for God's sake! I told you before, didn't I? That I never meant you shouldn't have feelings for him, or anything like that...

– I don't!

– Then why are you so hyper aware of him?

– I'm not!

– Well, there's two things you definitely are: an idiot, and in denial!

She's going too far with this. She just is. I feel like the top of my head's gonna blow up.

– I _can't_ have feelings for him! I yell.

– Why?

She glares at me.

– Because... because it's going to affect my playing!

She raises one brow, and exhales.

– I don't think it does.

I open my mouth, but I can't remember what I was going to say next.

– I told you from the beginning, didn't I? The only thing affecting you badly was when you were avoiding him. You were better the second you stopped doing that.

I can't be fine. It can't be fine. It can't be fine like this. It just can't.

– You're wrong, I say, but it doesn't come out as strongly as I meant.

She shakes her head and sighs.

– Kagami-kun, grow up. The only thing that really matters, is that you were better today. I told you to keep doing what you did, right?

I'm at a loss for words. She doesn't let me think! She makes me give up.

– So, what the hell is it, that you want me to do, then? I ask.

She lifts her chin, just a bit.

– Be honest to yourself. You were almost normal today. If you do it, you'll get fully back on track.

I squint.

– And what is it I should be honest about? I say, even though I don't want to hear the answer. I don't want her to say it. And still, now it looks like I'm actually asking her to say it.

And then she says it, like it's nothing. Like it's absolutely nothing. Like it's the most common, most boring, most trivial thing in the world:

– That you have a crush.

I guess it might really be all of those things.

I shake my head.

– Never, I say. Then I walk out. She turns after me, and says:

– Fine, Bakagami, go this time. But sort it out. Or I'll have to talk about it with you again, until you're willing to deal.

 

The weekend goes by in a haze.

 

On Monday, when I'm walking through the school gates, I see Kuroko from the corner of my eye, walking towards the school, reading a book.

Coach is right. I'm hyper aware of him. Normally, I never would've seen him there. Normally, it would be really weird he didn't manage to sneak out of class even once without me noticing. So, she's right about that.

But she's also wrong.

It wouldn't be fine for me to have feelings for him. And it's got nothing to do with basketball.

 

– You seem to be getting along with Asahina-kun now, Kuroko tells me after practice.

– Huh? Hmm, I mumble, and shrug. – I guess he's not that difficult after all. At least not when I'm playing with him...

He smiles a little.

– That's just what I thought you would think.

– Huh? I thought you said I “resist change” or whatever.

I don't know if this is normal conversation now. I don't know if he can tell I'm still weird.

He smiles again.

– Yes. But once you stop resisting, you always adapt fast.

– Huh. Stop talking to me like I'm some kid.

– Maybe you should stop acting like one then.

But I can tell he's not completely serious. So, I just bump his shoulder lightly with a fist.

 

There's only one reason why I can't like Kuroko.

It's because he's off limits.

Out of bounds.

Because he's never going to feel the same way.

That's the only reason why I've been worrying my head off for weeks. Getting in the way with basketball was just an excuse. Coach was right, about that too. I was playing so much better simply by not avoiding him. Even when it meant I would be hyper conscious of him instead. So that's not what I need to worry about. It's other things.

It's just completely useless and self-destructive to like him. He told me himself, months ago, didn't he? He doesn't want that. He doesn't want anyone to fall for him. And Tatsuya was wrong, by the way, it's not for some stupid and complicated reason like self-esteem. It's simply because he can't answer those feelings, no matter who it is. Because he just doesn't feel that way toward anyone. He said he was sorry for anyone who liked him. I get why, now.

And that's why I can't like him. That's why I can't let it go that far. I just can't.

Now there's some honesty.

And now I just need to forget about all this.

 

And just like unfortunate magic, Tatsuya calls me online that night. It's just that it immediately brings back to my mind what I thought about our previous conversation today. Damn it, and that was months ago. It's not like we haven't talked since, so why do I have to remember just that, just now. Well, it's obvious why, but... It's just inconvenient because I'm sure he can tell immediately that something is bugging me, and I just don't want to talk about this. Not with him, not with anyone. I guess if I did talk to someone it would be him, but I seriously do not want to talk.

– ...also, I was thinking of dyeing my hair orange, what do you think about that?

– What? I blurt.

– So, you're finally back to earth, Tatsuya says.

– I was listening!

– Yeah, I'm sure. I bet you really think it's a good idea to make a wall paper of my own face.

– That's ridiculous.

He squints a little.

– Now, as it already became clear that I was testing you, should I take it that you would be able to believe I could actually do something like that?

– Just saying. Just in case.

– Hah! Aren't you so clever.

– No, it just came out of my mouth! I say and rub my forehead.

– Haha. Seriously, what is wrong with you tonight?

– Nothing.

– As if.

– Well, it's nothing, I said nothing!

– Okaay. Do you want to talk about this “nothing”?

– Shut uuup.

– You know, I already know something's wrong with you, and I know it's gonna take you about five minutes to admit something is wrong, and then about another five denying you want to talk about it, and we both know you will eventually talk about it anyway, so why not skip that part all together and go straight to the talking part?

Geez, sometimes it just seems to me like Tatsuya and Kuroko are way too similar in some ways. I can't win an argument against either one because they're just oh so darn smart. Sure, it's only Tatsuya who likes to lay it out so elaborately, 'cause he just enjoys his own cleverness way too much. Kuroko is way more subtle about it, but even if he doesn't brag like Tatsuya, I swear I'm not wrong when I sometimes think he gets a kick out of outsmarting me too.

Actually, I think that's kind of stupid. After all, I have officially been declared an idiot so many times. So, I don't really see the amusement in outsmarting me.

– I hate you, is all I can say.

– That's not nice. Especially, since you really like me so much.

– I can leave you to enjoy your own voice, you know...

– You won't, because you really do need to talk. I know you, remember.

– Mrgh.

– Don't tell me it's girl problems! I've so been waiting to be your confidant.

– Uh...

– Or guy problems. I won't assume anything, since you've never told me.

– Uh, you don't?

– Nah, he says, and smiles, with a shrug. – Seen way too much.

– I guess I should've expected you to pay enough attention. Even though you sometimes do seem to live in your own world...

– Hey! Do you want help or not?

– Not especially, no.

– Liar.

– Hah.

– So... Is it what I thought it was?

I shrug.

– Even I'm not sure.

– So, in short, that's what's bothering you.

I open my mouth to protest but then close it. Then roll my eyes. And then just say:

– Yep.

– But that's probably not all.

I guess I've already given up, so what the hell.

– No.

– Care to enlighten me?

I sigh.

– Ok. Well, tell me. Have you ever liked someone you shouldn't?

His brows draw a bit closer together.

– Well, that's kind of a broad description. I mean, it's kind of relative...

– Argh. Then, have you ever liked someone with... with the... wrong orientation.

It sounds weird, putting it that way, but whatever.

– Oh. I guess not, he says, then sighs. – But please, Taiga, could you even consider being less cryptic? I mean, just tell me the facts! I don't care in the slightest if you're gay, you know.

– Well, how was I supposed to know?

– Well, I'm telling you now!

– I'm not gay.

– Okay.

But it's like he knows that's not all, and he's waiting for it, when I add:

– But it's not... It's not… just girls for me.

He sighs again, through his nose, probably because I'm being so slow with everything I say. But hey, I'm not good at talking about stuff like this, so cut me some slack.

– Okay, he says. – So? Is it that you've fallen for a straight guy?

– Not straight.

His brows rise a little bit.

– Oh. Hmm.

Now it almost seems like he's enjoying it that I'm making him guess things.

– Then..., he ponders, and his eyes make a round before returning to me. – Someone asexual?

Of course, I'm surprised.

– So, you know that word, huh.

– I'm more surprised you know it!

– Hey, I'm the one who might have a useless crush on one! What's your excuse?

– Haha. Well, I just happen to know someone who is aromantic. People kinda lump those two together...

– Aromantic...?

Suddenly he grins.

– So! I am the more knowledgeable one, after all!

– Yeah, fine, just tell me what the difference is.

– Isn't it pretty obvious? Asexuals aren't sexually attracted to people. Aromantics aren't romantically attracted to people.

I have to put some pathetic math together in my head before I fully grasp the point.

– So... You're saying those feelings... can be different type of things?

He shrugs.

– Apparently. I mean, if you think about it, it's pretty obvious too. I mean, there are plenty of people who would just, you know, hook up with someone, but wouldn't like to be in a relationship with them. And then there are relationships like friends-with-benefits. Not exclusive to aromantics. So, there definitely is sex without romance, so... Why not romance without sex too?

– So..., I start. But my head seems stuck.

– So, your asexual may not necessarily be aromantic. Majority of them aren't, in fact. Seriously, do you never google?

– Uh...

– Of course, most of them are heteroromantic, so if it's a guy, the statistics still aren't on your side...

– Why do you know all this?! I shout at the screen.

– I just googled “aromantic”, when I needed it. It all just showed up from there. It was actually kind of fascinating. I mean, to think someone could be something like homoromantic heterosexual. Sounds like bad luck, if you ask me... Oh well, I bet that's really rare.

– You... Stop talking for a while.

I bury my head into my hands and exhale loudly.

– Aaw, is this too much for your little head at once?

– Shut up.

He does. When the quiet has gone on for a while, I sigh, lift my head, and say:

– I wasn't hoping for you to tell me I might have a chance after all. I needed you to tell me how to get over the whole thing before I have the time to figure out if I really like that person!

He raises one brow.

– Oh. Well that's idiotic. Firstly, that kind of thing doesn't really work in the end, and secondly, that sounds really unhealthy.

I sigh again. Him too, telling me I'm unhealthy...

– Seriously, he says, and looks at me accordingly. – If you like him, you'll like him, and there's little you can do about it.

– Didn't say it was a him.

– Oh come on, it was implied.

– Hmph...

Then his expression relaxes a little.

– On the other hand, most crushes fade away quickly, he adds. I roll my eyes.

– For you, maybe.

– Oh?

– Well! It's... I'm just not like that, okay?

He looks at me, pondering. I'm starting to get way too self-conscious. Then he says:

– Hmm. I guess you wouldn't be. You're way too single-minded. When you're passionate about something, there's little room for anything else, and little chance of it changing.

– Right, that's really great...

I bury my head into my hands again.

– Well, I think your single-mindedness is what usually gets you so far, he says, smirking. – It wouldn't be fair if there was no downside to it.

– Ok, enough speculation! I just need... I only need you to tell me what the hell to do now!

– Sorry. I was kinda just trying to get you to lighten up. I thought you were taking this too seriously. But maybe it really is that serious for you.

I don't say anything. He seems to be thinking.

– Well, he begins then. – Given how much this bothers you. And how likely it is to go on for a while... I think the only way is to see it until the end.

I grunt.

– And what the heck does that mean?

– First of all, whatever it is you're feeling, you won't find out if you keep denying.

– I'm not!

– Yeah, you are, he says, squinting. – Otherwise you wouldn't be talking about it so vaguely, like you want to keep it hypothetical.

– Argh...

He's just like Coach now.

– So, let go of your pride, or whatever it is... And figure it out. Then, if it turns out you really do like him, see if the feeling might be mutual. Just... go for it.

Heat creeps up my face right then.

– _What!_ No fucking way!

– Hey, chill...

– No! That's... That's just out of the question!

My heart won't stop racing again. And it's not a pleasant feeling in any way.

– Hey, it's fine if you're not ready yet.

– That's not it! No way!

– Okay...

But it's like he doesn't believe me.

– It's just... There's just no way!

He shrugs then.

– Oh well. That's pretty much all I can say to you.

I sigh.

– Thanks anyway, I guess, I mumble.

– Anytime, he says with a smirk, and adds: – Tell me at some point, if anything comes out of it...

– I'm hanging up on you!

– Okay, chill! Don't ever mention the whole thing again, then.

– Yeah, I'll do just that!

But he just smiles.

It's just... Okay, maybe he's right, maybe most asexuals aren't aromantic. But it's not like that means I should just “go for it”. No fucking way. I don't even know if I'd ever want to! So, it's no use thinking about stuff like that before hand...

Besides, the fact remains, he did already tell me. He told me he wasn't an option. No, wait, that might have been a dream. (Wait, I've dreamed about this?) But he did say, no one should fall in love with him. No one. Okay, so he might have been drunk, because of Koganei, but, still... he said that. Clearly. And didn't deny it afterwards.

So, I already know. If it ever comes down to it, I already know his answer.

He rejected me before I ever had the chance to figure out if I even.... Yeah.

So that's why this... useless possibility of a possible feeling is never going to grow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs I listened to:
> 
> Thinking About - Lauren Aquilina  
> Fire in My Heart - Simple Plan


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brace yourselves, it's going to be melodramatic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm. This chapter I'm not particularly fond of, and it was kind of depressing for me to write. And it's still depressing to read, but I felt like it needed to happen all the same and there was nothing I could do to avoid this.
> 
> And their online names make me laugh, but I felt like they're still the age where everyone had really embarrassing online names, so...
> 
> *I quietly glance at my username here and think I haven't come too far from that age*

# 13th: It's your fault

# Kuroko

– Hey, Kuroko-kun, what's wrong with Kagami-kun?

It's Furihata-kun, whispering to me at the end of club practice, while we are stretching. Kagami-kun is a safe distance away.

I almost wish Furihata-kun hadn't asked the question that has been colouring the background of each day lately. I've been trying to look away from it, even forget about it, pretend that there is nothing there. I've almost succeeded at it. After all, Kagami-kun has been acting in such contradictory ways, I can no longer tell if he really is avoiding me or not.

But, since Furihata-kun asked the question it becomes obvious to me, again, that it is all there.

– Kagami-kun says nothing is wrong with him, I tell him.

– Oh.

Furihata-kun goes silent for I while, but I get the feeling it isn't over yet. Then he turns to me again, and asks:

– Do you believe him?

I'm at a loss for words for a moment, and Furihata-kun immediately gets self-conscious.

– I'm sorry, he says, shaking his head slightly. – I know it isn't really anyone's business, but, I can't help but feel a bit worried. He's been acting weird for so long...

He looks around to check no one is listening to us. He leans in closer, and continues:

– You know, almost everyone else was gone the whole spring break, so Kagami-kun always called me to play with him, even though I'm not much of an opponent for him... But, anyway, he seemed really frustrated back then, too. I feel like he didn't go even a little easy on me, I got bruises, like, everyday. I'm not complaining, I just mean... it was weird. Usually when we've played together he hasn't been that rough, and not that... much in his own head? And I don't feel like his mood is much better now.

Furihata-kun glances at Kagami-kun, and then back to me.

– So... I guess, I was just thinking, if someone knew anything it would be you. I'm not trying to pry. I'm just... concerned.

I stretch down towards my legs, but nod slightly.

– I've been wondering too, I whisper. – But he doesn't seem to want to talk.

– Oh.

I wish I could say something more, ease Furihata-kun's mind, but I've really got nothing. I just don't seem to understand Kagami-kun any better myself. I thought I did. But right now, his behavior is a complete mystery to me. And I'm trying my hardest to respect his privacy.

It's not really helping, what Furihata-kun just told me, because it's obvious now that others can tell something is wrong with Kagami-kun too, and that's going to make it harder for me to pretend that everything is in my head. And the knowledge that he was already like this during the spring break too... All I can do is wonder what might have happened to him during the break.

But it's no use. He told me so blatantly that he didn't want to talk. So, all I can do is put it in the back of my mind again.

When I sit up again, Kagami-kun is looking at me. When our eyes meet, he seems to stiffen, ever so slightly, and immediately looks away.

This happens so often lately, that it's making it hard for me to believe that, whatever it is that's wrong with him, doesn't have anything to do with me. But... he told me it didn't. So, I must believe it.

 

Suddenly I don't have to think about how to act around Kagami-kun anymore, because he gets sick, and doesn't come to school. Even that feels off, though. I don't remember him ever being sick, not once last year. So, I can't help but feel slightly concerned about it too.

By the end of the day it all bothers me enough, so I offer to take the homework to him. The only problem is, he doesn't seem to be seeing my messages.

After school and club practice I consider just going home, but then I decide to go to his place anyway. I call him on the way, but he doesn't answer. Once I'm standing at his door, I debate whether to ring the door bell. Because I'm thinking Kagami-kun might be asleep, I end up trying the handle. It's not locked.

I step inside and listen to the quiet apartment. I'm not sure if he'll mind or not, but I find myself walking towards his room anyway. For some reason I just... need to see how he is. The door to his room is slightly open, so I push it quietly, and take a look inside.

Kagami-kun is asleep. I don't know why I seem to have thought he might not be there. I don't know why I needed to see it with my own eyes. But there he is.

I go to him quietly and kneel down beside his bed. He actually looks a little uncomfortable, even thought he seems to be in deep sleep. He's sweating slightly. I reach out and touch his forehead, trying to be careful not to wake him. It's hot. But the tips of his hair are cold with sweat, so the fever is already going down. I try to push his hair carefully away from his forehead, so the sweat won't drip into his eyes.

That's when his eyes open. He looks at me, and blinks a few times, but he doesn't look exactly surprised, or angry either. His hand moves to touch mine, which I realize is still on his forehead.

– Damn fever..., he mutters. Then his fingers curl slightly around mine. He seems to roll his eyes, and then they turn back to me.

– There you are again..., he whispers.

He looks feverish.

– I'm sorry, Kagami-kun. I didn't mean to wake you.

He doesn't answer. He just looks at me. And suddenly, I start feeling like there's something... odd about it. Something different. Somehow... I have never seen a look like that on his face. Even though I can't say what's different. It brings to mind the photo editing effect, the one that makes pictures look soft and hazy. Maybe it's just the fever?

Then he kind of snorts, very quietly.

– Can't you leave my head for five minutes? I'm tired, he says slowly, like he isn't fully awake.

– Kagami-kun, you are not making any sense. How high is your fever?

– Mh... It's your fault, this fever.

Hearing that kind of stops me, because... he claims he isn't acting weird because of me, but now his fever is somehow my fault? But I put the thought away, because it's not like things people say half asleep always make sense or mean anything.

I pull my hand free and wave it in front of his eyes. He starts to turn away.

– Kagami-kun? I say louder than before. His eyes wander, but then they stop at me again.

– Kuroko...? he mutters.

– Are you awake? How are you feeling?

– ...aren't you a hallucination?

– No, I'm definitely not a hallucination. Are you saying you're delirious?

He seems to back slightly away from me, while simultaneously trying to take a closer look at me.

– What are you doing here? he asks, squinting.

– I came to bring homework for you, but Kagami-kun, you're making me worried. If you have a fever this high, you should have called someone. You shouldn't be alone.

– Nah. I'm not that sick.

He pulls his blankets up to his neck and seems to crawl deeper into his bed, even though his face still looks sweaty.

– Then, have you eaten?

He just rolls his eyes.

– Hah. When would I skip eating?

And just like magic, his stomach growls. Just for a second, we look at each other in silence.

– Liar, I say.

– Well! he stammers. – You worry too much, that's why!

– But you won't get better if you don't eat properly.

– I've been asleep!

He looks flustered, though part of his face is now covered with the blanket. A sigh escapes me.

– Are you saying you haven't gotten out of bed today?

– Ugh, what is this, did you come here to nag?

I just feel like ignoring it, when he gets as childish as this.

– You need to eat.

– Of course I'll eat, you moron! Right after I get up!

– Okay. Let me see you can get up then.

– What the hell? Stop worrying, and just go. You'll catch my cold.

– I won't leave until you eat.

– What? He squints hard, and gets half way up, only to immediately look dizzy. – What's up with you? You're not usually this overbearing.

– You haven't been yourself, Kagami-kun. It's only natural that I would get worried.

– This again..., he mutters, and lies down with a thump.

– I'm serious, you know.

A silence falls between us. He closes his eyes and breathes slowly for a while. He dries his forehead with one swipe of his hand. Then he takes a look at me.

– Will you be at peace if I promise to get up and eat right after you've gone?

– I don't see why you can't do it while I'm here.

Even I'm not sure where the need to be this stubborn with him is coming from, but I don't feel like leaving him here like this. He stares at me in silence, and I keep looking at him. Finally, he sighs, and says:

– Fine.

He throws his blanket away without looking at me, and gets up, a little too fast, I think, but he seems to wobble to his door just fine. I get up and follow him.

– And then you'll check your fever, I tell him.

– Oh my fucking God.

 

I'm relieved to see that Kagami-kun's appetite hasn't gone anywhere. Once he has stopped complaining, he eats almost everything he has ready in the fridge. Before I even say anything, he tells me to shut up, he has enough food in the freezer, so I won't have to worry about what he'll eat tonight. I don't even have to tell him to check his fever again or take medicine to keep the fever down. Still, he glares at me, and asks if I'm happy now. I'm starting to get irritated, so I tell him that certainly seeing my friend do the bare minimum to keep himself alive is guaranteed to make me very happy. He actually snorts a little. Then he wants to go back to bed. He tells me I'll probably see him at school tomorrow. Somehow, I doubt it.

I'm just about to get out of his front door, when a sudden realization strikes me.

There was another reason I needed to see Kagami-kun. There was one, very specific thing about his behavior that was odd lately. One thing I needed to figure out. I just didn't realize what it was...

I close the door without getting out.

I quietly walk back to his bedroom door, that is still open. He's fast asleep again.

It fits my plan perfectly.

I know I'm going out of my way, but... I just need to make sure.

 

Kagami-kun wakes up again in less than two hours. He's been snoring loudly, and then it suddenly stops, and he makes a startled noise. He rubs his face with both hands, and mutters “Damn it”, so he must have seen some unpleasant dream. He throws the blanket away, and gets up fast, just like last time. He rubs his eyes, and I can tell he's just about to storm out of his room. But his eyes don't even have time to turn towards his door, because there's something else that catches his attention from the corner of his eye. Me.

He looks straight at me.

I've just been sitting there quietly with a book, leaning to the window wall, next to his bed. But he got up and looked straight at me. He was under the impression that he was alone. There's no way he normally would have seen me in a situation like this. I'm sure of it.

So, there's no mistake. I was right.

He stares at me, completely perplexed, like he might be hallucinating again.

– What the hell-

I put the book away and get up.

– Kagami-kun, I'm sorry. I just needed to know...

– Honestly...! What am I supposed to do to convince you... What the actual hell...!

He looks at me, like he doesn't know if he should be angry or confused, or what to say at all.

– I just needed to make sure..., I start.

He throws his arms in the air.

– I ate! What more do you want!?

– No, it's not that. Don't you understand, Kagami-kun?

– What am I supposed to understand!

– You see me.

– What? The fever didn't make me blind!

– No, Kagami-kun that's not what I mean. You _always_ see me.

That stops him, and suddenly the rage is gone. He just looks at me, like I caught him off guard. That tells me just one thing. He noticed this before. He noticed and didn't say anything.

He doesn't seem to know what to say now, either.

– I don't know how long it has been this way, I say. – I don't remember when the last time was... the last time you didn't see me.

It seems so odd now. That I wouldn't notice. I knew something was off, but... This honestly did not occur to me until today. It seems so blatantly obvious now, as I think back. How he always managed to stop me from sneaking away after class, and everything... Or just the fact I haven't startled him in such a long time...

Suddenly he sighs, and says:

– What do you want me to say?

I blink. He sounds... serious now. What is it that makes him sound so serious? What is going on?

– I... I don't know.

So, it... It really is something serious. And it most certainly has something to do with me. But I can't, for the life of me, figure out what it could be. And the fact that he doesn't have the slightest intention of telling me...

I can't help it, my throat just gets tight, and I freeze up inside. I'm scared.

I didn't think it could be serious at first. I just wanted to know what had changed. What had made me so visible to him. I didn't... to be honest, once I realized it, I didn't dislike that it happened, at all. But now that I can't make out what his serious face means, I just completely don't know what to do.

– I'm... sorry, I say. I can't look at him anymore. He just stands there, like maybe he's daring me to talk back at him, and... I can't.

First, I take one step towards the door, and then I'm hurrying out of it. But he doesn't hesitate to come after me.

– Hey, Kuroko... Okay, sure, maybe you didn't have to test me like that, but... hey, I'm not angry.

Still, I find myself walking away from him.

– Hey, I don't want you to run away!

Suddenly he strides fast after me and grabs my elbow. I stop, but something is still keeping me from looking at him.

– You did, though, I hear myself saying.

– Huh?

– Back when I tried to talk to you in the locker room.

– Agh... What the hell... You're not cutting me any slack!

Somehow, his words, and his exasperated tone makes me relax. He might feel it too, because he lets go of my arm. I turn towards him, my eyes still on the floor.

– I'm sorry, I say. – But you didn't say anything. And you were acting weird to begin with. How could you think I wouldn't be worried once I figured out something like this had happened, and you hadn't said anything?

By then, I'm looking at him. He blinks.

– Uh, I guess, I didn't really think that far. Sorry about that, okay? But really, why do you need to worry about something you didn't even notice until now...

– Because, it means something about us has changed!

That comes out louder than I meant it to. Kagami-kun looks a bit startled and looks at me in silence. Then he shakes his head, and sighs.

– You... this is why I didn't say anything. You always worry about nothing. It's not like that, okay? It's... Nothing has changed. It's not about us, and it's not about you, he says, and points at me with his finger, then pokes my forehead with it, as if to further illustrate his point. Then he puts his hands on his hips, looks at me with determined eyes, and says:

– This is about me, and me only. Me, me, me!

As a chuckle escapes me, I feel like he's trying to fool me into thinking nothing is wrong at all. I don't know if he realizes it, but he sighs a little, and says:

– Look, I know you're worried. But that's not making things any easier for me, he says, rubbing his forehead. – Some things... Some things you really do have to go through alone. And you getting worried about every little thing is not helping.

That really sends a wave of guilt through me. I look down.

– I'm... sorry. I... didn't even realize I was doing it. I was trying not to bother you.

– Nah, I noticed that... It's more like, I still knew you were worried, so I couldn't stop thinking about it...

– I truly want to respect it when you say you can't talk about something, or need to do something alone, I say, and I manage to look at him again.

– I know, uh... I don't know what to say anymore. This is such a mess already.

– Which you need to untangle alone, I say.

– Yeah.

He looks at me. I nod.

– I just have one more question, I say.

– Yeah?

– You, being so aware of me... Is it going to affect our play?

– I don't think so, he says right away, like he's had a lot of time to think about it.

So, I guess he really has thought about it then. A lot. It makes me feel bad about how completely unaware I've been until now. I almost can't believe myself. Suddenly, a bit painful reminiscence strikes me. Back in the Winter Cup finals, when Akashi-kun told me that he was disappointed in me. When I didn't notice my lack of presence fading.

Do I just have the most ironic blind spots?

Kagami-kun sighs again.

– Look... Just don't worry about it. This is nothing.

And I think I know what it means. This, him being aware of me, is not the problem, it's just a symptom of something. But that's just what makes me worried. I wouldn't have thought about it twice if the reason had been something like, he just got so used to me. I might have even thought that would have made sense. But now it's just obvious there is something bigger on his mind, something... important.

– I just need to figure some stuff out, he says. – But I'm working on it. So, don't worry, okay?

I nod.

I know I have to let it be. But that doesn't mean I'm not worried. Because there's obviously nothing I can do to help him. And somehow, that is the hardest part to accept. The hardest part is to leave him to his own devices. But, if I asked that of someone, I would expect them to leave me be. So, I have to do it too.

That doesn't mean I'm feeling any better, when I'm walking home.

 

It's kind of too bad that Nigou is taking a round at other people's homes. He's good to have around when I'm feeling down. I think he can sense it immediately when I walk into the room, and it has become somehow comforting these past months. When I sit down, he always jumps right into my lap, and makes these little noises, like he's asking me if I'm okay. But now I have no one to curl beside me on my bed. Still, what happened with Kagami-kun has worn me out, and after I've finished my homework, I try to take a nap.

But when I'm about to close my eyes, there's a little noise from my door, and I see our grumpy old cat slip in. I'm surprised, because growing old has made her kind of antisocial, and she rarely even comes to my room anymore. Even less since Nigou. They can live with each other's existence, but you couldn't call them friends.

She doesn't look at me, just wanders around my room, so I leave her be, and close my eyes. But it isn't long before she jumps to my bed. I open my eyes in surprise. She's looking at me with eyes rounder than usual. Then she walks slowly towards me and lies down at my side.

For a while I just lay still, because I almost can't believe she wanted to come to me by herself. I don't want to do anything that could make her go away. But she seems comfortable. She closes her eyes and her breathing sounds relaxed, in that shallow cat-way. So, I relax too. I hesitate, but then I rub her from head to neck and her back. She starts to purr. I'm not sure when the last time was that I heard it.

And maybe it's because I'm so tired, but her behavior moves me so much, that I start to tear up.

– I'm sorry, I whisper to her. – Keeping Nigou doesn't mean that I've abandoned you.

I've just realized that she wasn't randomly wandering around in my room. She was checking if Nigou might be hiding somewhere. I haven't given her enough attention since he came. I should have realized. Just because she's grumpy and angry and usually behaves badly, doesn't mean she can't get hurt. It doesn't mean she no longer cares about us, or that we shouldn't show her just as much love and care as before. I never should have overlooked her.

I curl around her on my bed, and she keeps purring. Even though now I feel bad about both, her and Kagami-kun, she has also managed to make me feel like, somehow, everything is okay. Or maybe it isn't yet, but it's going to be. With that feeling, I can fall asleep for a moment.

I wake up in twenty minutes or so, and decide I shouldn't sleep more before the night, even though I feel the taste of sleep in my mouth, and my eye lids really insist on closing again. But I force myself to sit up, and reach for my laptop on the desk, just to do something. There's a disappointed “meow”, but then our cat settles on top of my legs and looks satisfied again.

I open the computer and stare at the screen for a while, but I soon realize I don't have anything in mind I need it for, and I start to think about turning to my bookshelf instead. But just then a message pops up on the screen. I know immediately that it's Momoi-san, because no one else really messages me online. It seems like she's the type who is always logged in, and actually doing a million different things, on and off the computer, at the same time.

**weddingpeachsatsuma**  
Tetsu-kuuun~ ~ ~  <3! how is your weekend starting? are you free tomorrow? can you help me with some research??

The truth is, I'm still not feeling great, but that isn't something I can answer to her greeting, is it? Besides, her cheerfulness is contagious, even online.

**Bookwyrm11**  
Everything is fine. What about you, Momoi-san? I don't have any plans. What do you have in mind?

**weddingpeachsatsuma**  
Great! I'm good!

**weddingpeachsatsuma**  
there's been a real storm of new sports equipment in the stores lately, so I thought about assessing their development a little! taking some notes. It could come in handy.

**weddingpeachsatsuma**  
of course, if you help me I'll share all useful information with you, so it's fair.

**Bookwyrm11**  
That sounds interesting.

**weddingpeachsatsuma**  
Great! <3 So I'll see you tomorrow?? Of course, we can do other things too. Go eat and stuff!

**Bookwyrm11**  
Sure, let's do that.

**weddingpeachsatsuma**  
Can't wait! So, eleven-ish?

**Bookwyrm11**  
Okay, see you then.

**weddingpeachsatsuma**  
Yay! It's a date!

**Bookwyrm11**  
It's research, isn't it?

**weddingpeachsatsuma**  
It's a date! ;) Anyway, I gotta go now. See ya!

 

Sometimes I feel like she's treating me like an idiot.

But, right now I'm just happy to have something to do tomorrow, to take my mind off of things, and to be reminded that even if Kagami-kun needs time and space to figure things out, there are other people out there too. Usually I don't have anything against a quiet weekend indoors (on the contrary) but when I have something that worries me, it's far easier to distract myself with something that isn't happening in the same place as the worrying. In other words, with something that gets me out of my head. I guess having company is the first step to that direction.

 

We meet at the train station the next day, and I'm determined to have fun, and not let things get to me. Momoi-san looks happy and carefree from the start, and comments about the air feeling somehow light to breathe and making her feel especially refreshed today. I feel a sudden lift in my mood, because I was thinking the same thing this morning. This type of thing seems to happen pretty often. We are thinking the exact same thing, although she's always the one to say it out loud. It always makes me feel good. Sometimes I get happy over the oddest things, I guess.

Momoi-san has a long list of things we are looking for, so I help her find them from every store, but other than that, I don't think I'm actually that much of a help. She already knows what she's looking for, and takes notes furiously, muttering to herself. I, on the other hand, am not really too knowledgeable when it comes to sports equipment. Maybe I should be, but I guess I never found that aspect too interesting. Shoes are either comfortable or they aren't, and that's pretty much all that concerns me. But for Momoi-san, it's completely different. I quickly discover that the tiniest differences between different brands and models are so obvious to her, that my observations would be amateurish at best, and at worst, just really annoying to her. I don't want to disrupt her flow, so at some point I just end up looking for whatever it is she needs from time to time, so she can concentrate all her attention on taking notes.

It's all very entertaining, actually. I always enjoy looking at people immersed in what they're doing. Even if I'm not that interested in the subject itself, this is how it becomes interesting too. I learn a lot of things I had never thought about, because she thinks mostly out loud. Also, it's just fun, seeing her nerdy side. Her interest does not come solely from a practical point of view. She enjoys this for its own sake. That side of her just doesn't show as often as her practical side. Even if she usually excels at multitasking, there are times when she can concentrate on one thing so much that she mostly blocks out other things around her.

A couple of times I bring her the wrong item, and she almost snaps at me. Maybe it's a little weird, but in those moments, I'm really happy she asked me along. Because in those moments she is treating me like she would anyone else. Anyone whose attention she isn't constantly trying to get. Anyone whom she isn't always trying to get to like her better. Yes, I feel a little bad for thinking that. But I can't help it, it's refreshing. Because anyone can tell that most of her time with me, she isn't acting naturally. But if she can reveal her irritation, she is. And that seems to grant me the freedom to act more naturally around her, too. So, even though I don't like irritating her, I still like it. Even if it doesn't make any sense.

Three hours go by like it's nothing, and I don't think either of us notices the time flying by, until Momoi-san's stomach growls loudly. She blushes with surprise and embarrassment, which destroys her concentration completely. I tell her we can continue after eating, but she shakes her head and says there's no need, she thinks she got everything important already, and she doesn't want to spend all of this beautiful day indoors with her nose stuck in a notebook.

While we look for a place to eat, she tells me she will scan and mail all the notes to me, so I can share them with my team. When I ask if that's really okay, she says it's not the kind of information that she would want their winning to depend on, so it's actually better that way. And on the other hand, only she knows how to use her notes to the fullest, so it's fine. I think her smile gets a slightly sly edge, but it disappears as soon as it's there.

Once we find a café with enough room, Momoi-san takes nothing more than a tiny chocolate chip bread, and a coffee, even though her stomach sounded like she hadn't eaten all day. She seems oddly determined that it's enough for her.

Suddenly a thought strikes me: She couldn't be thinking she would lose femininity in my eyes, if she ate a lot in front of me? I'm not sure why I think that. It's... far-fetched, isn't it? I don't think I've ever thought of her as the type who would get that concerned about something like that. She always ate normally at school, didn't she? The thought only came to my mind because she was so self-conscious when her stomach growled... But why would she need to be embarrassed about that either?

I get an urge to tell her those are not the kind of things she should ever be worried about... But, I can't say something like that. If I'm wrong, it's embarrassing for her that I thought it. If I'm right, it's embarrassing for her too, and right now it's already too late. So, now I'm the one who is worried, and my good mood is gone. She still seems cheerful, and chatters away, but I can't help but think there's something forceful about it. And now I don't even know if I'm just imagining it.

When we’ve eaten, and she gets up from the table, something falls from her bag. I pick it up and see that it’s a book by an author I really like. Yoshimoto Banana. I hand it back to her, and I want to ask what she thinks about it, but she says:

– Oh, thanks, I almost forgot I needed to return this to the library.

She smiles.

– I’ve been really into this author lately. A lot of the girls I know at school are. But oh, you wouldn’t want to hear about something like this. It’s silly, she says, dropping the book into her bag.

I want to tell her I don’t think it’s silly at all. I want to tell her I like it too… but. I’m just… discouraged. I don’t know why. So, I just follow her outside.

She wants to take a walk around and asks if I'm in a hurry to get home, which I'm not. So, we walk, and she talks, but the book is still on my mind, and I have a hard time really focusing on what she’s saying. Until she suddenly goes silent and looks at me for a long while. I look back at her. She seems… thoughtful, but other than that, I don’t know what she’s thinking. Then she smiles faintly.

– I… I have been meaning to ask you something.

She turns to look at the sky. We’re just walking through a park, and the sparse trees give a good view of it. Her smile seems relaxed. So, I guess it’s nothing I should be alarmed about.

– What is it?

She glances at me again, and her smile gets a bit wider, but she’s looking at the sky again, when she says:

– Tetsu-kun, are you happy now?

I blink several times. Then I find myself smiling.

– Yes.

Maybe I haven’t had a great week, but, considering everything, considering last year… It just comes over me; happiness, joy.

She smiles at me.

– It’s been… such a wild ride. You know. I guess, it just occurred to me, we never really talked about… any of it. Not really. So, I just… wanted to know.

I nod. Just as I’m about to ask if she’s happy, she says:

– Dai-chan is… happy, too, I think. Happier. I mean, he’s not perfect. It’s not like everything that has ever troubled him has just gone away. I don’t think it’s that simple, but, he’s definitely better. I think he’ll keep going to the right direction, for now.

I just nod, again.

– Thanks to you, she says, with a quick glance to me, then back to the sky.

– I… Certainly, the credit goes to Aomine-kun himself, I say. She smiles more.

– Yeah…, she says, and nods. – But you’ve been a good influence.

– I think, you are a good influence for him, I say. – Even though, I don’t mean to imply he’s helpless.

She chuckles.

– Oh, he is sometimes. Really, really, helpless.

– Well, I guess we all are, I say with a shrug.

She rolls her shoulders, like she’s trying to relax them. Then she spins around, almost a full turn, and says:

– The sun is starting to set! Let’s sit down and watch it.

There’s an empty bench in our view, and she almost dances toward it. She sits down, and looks at me with a bright smile, until I sit beside her. She looks back to the sky.

– It looks like it’s going to be almost pink, she says with a sigh. – It’s so romantic.

I can never figure out fast enough what to say to a remark like that. The moment is over before I can decide whether I should let it pass or not. Because, it’s not like she said it clearly in relation to me. But, she might have, altogether.

– Dai-chan wouldn’t watch a sunset with me. I’m glad you don’t think it’s stupid.

– Momoi-san…

She turns to look at me.

– All you’ve been talking about is Aomine-kun. But… are _you_ happy? I ask. And she smiles, for a second, but then… her eyes start filling up with tears. She seems to startle and starts patting them with her hands.

– Oh… Oh my, this looks so wrong…, she gasps. – I… I am happy, everything is fine… It’s just… When you asked it… I don’t know what came over me…

She trails off, and tries to wipe her tears away, but they roll down her face.

– It’s fine, Momoi-san, I hurry to say. – If, after all, everything wasn’t fine. That, would be fine, you know.

She kind of loses it, then, which I guess I could’ve seen coming, and leans into me. I let her cry on my shoulder and put my arm around her shoulders. What else can I do? It’s better to let her just cry. If she wants to talk, she can. She should know she can, I think.

After a while, she stops crying. But she doesn’t talk. She just turns her face toward the horizon, leaning her head into my shoulder. I don’t dare to move my arm from her shoulder, she would definitely be offended. And it’s not like I find her closeness unpleasant… Not like that, it’s never been about that. It’s just that I have no way of knowing what she’ll read into things.

I’ve always hated it, that there’s just one thing that makes me unable to relax around her. But I don’t know what I could do to make it better.

– I really like being around you, Tetsu-kun, she says, out of the blue. And… I have to answer that. And what else can I answer that with, but the truth?

– I like being around you, too.

Because what she said, it’s not a confession. That’s the problem with everything ambiguous she ever says to me. It’s not a confession. But… Knowing her, how can I think it’s not romantically coded? Yet, pointing it out… saying something, seems impossible. My hands just feel tied.

And then she says something, that makes me feel like my stomach sinks.

– I’m so glad boys like you exist.

A wave of something, disappointment, I guess, washes over me. Or just plain… reality. Because that’s all I’ll ever be to her. A boy. Someone who makes a sunset romantic. If I comfort her, it’s not because I’m simply a person who cares about her. In her eyes, it’s chivalry.

It just… makes me feel defeated, to understand that. I feel like I could be so much more to her, if she gave me a chance. But she won’t. By saying what she said, she drew a firm line between us. She showed me, for the thousandth time, that in her eyes, even though I’m different from other boys, I’m also equally different from her. That I only have one role I can fill in her life.

How many more times will it take, before I just accept it, and move on?

– Tetsu-kun, what are you thinking? she asks, lifting her head slightly to see me, then leans back into my shoulder.

I close my eyes.

– I’m wondering…, I start. – What it is exactly that you think about me.

That’s the best I can do. I’m surprised I was able to say that much.

She doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t move. It’s silent around us. Silent enough for me to hear her breathing.

Suddenly my heart is pounding. I’m starting to realize I may have said something… Something that makes it impossible for either of us to pretend we have no clue what the other is thinking anymore. I don’t know how it got out. I must not have been thinking at all when I spoke. Or maybe she just asked what she did… at a perfect moment.

Just when the fact that she isn’t saying anything starts to worry me, she lifts her head. But… not to face me and talk to me. I realize too late. Before I have time to comprehend it, she… grabs my head. I have time to see she has tears in her eyes. She pulls my head toward her, and suddenly, she’s crying all over me.

She kisses me. Just like that.

I’m too dumbfounded to react.

She lets go for a second, and says:

– You know full well how I feel about you.

And then she kisses me again, with… more force. She’s pressing her lips so close to mine, that her tears are falling on my face. 

I… have to do something. And… there just aren’t that many options.

Suddenly my hands are on her shoulders, and… the movement seems to take a million times more strength than it logically should, but… I carefully push her away. Just enough to be out of her reach.

– I… Please, stop, I say, but my voice is barely more than a hoarse whisper. She finally lets go of me, and I turn my head away. And then, my eyes start filling with tears, too. My head is pounding, and I’m flustered. Just because…

Just because the simple act of pushing her away, and saying that word, “stop”, feels so... much. Just because of something like that…

She backs away to the other side of the bench, and sits there, crying on her sleeves. I… can’t look at her. I know I should say something. Explain. Tell her… how much she means to me. But what use would it be? And I can’t find my voice. My chest hurts, like an invisible hand just went through my back and started pulling at my heart.

– It’s unfair, she mumbles into her sleeves. I still can’t look at her.

– It’s unfair, Tetsu-kun, it’s so unfair!

I can see from the corner of my eye that she wipes her whole face into her sleeve, and then, gets up from the bench and stands there, looking at me.

– Why? she says, between sobs. – I had to go this far before you would push me away! Why? Why did you have to make me go this far!?

I look at her. I don’t know what to say. Her teary eyes are fierce. With anger. I don’t know what to say. I had no idea she would ever… But that’s no excuse.

– You knew how I felt. I know you did. All along. You should’ve told me from the start. You should’ve pushed me away the first time I threw myself on you! Why didn’t you? How could you let me go on like that? How could you? It’s so… horrible.

If I was unable to speak out of shock, now I’m unable to speak from quilt.

– You could’ve let me out of my misery! Why didn’t you just push me away from the start? Why did it take so much to make you do it? What did you get out of it? It’s so… It’s just so unfair!

She sobs, and hicks, and I stare at the ground. I have no answer. Yes. Why didn’t I do it? How could I do this to her?

My eyes squeeze shut.

– I… I’m… sorry. I’m… really sorry.

That’s all I can get out.

She sniffs loudly.

– It’s your fault, she says. – It’s all your fault.

I can feel her looking at me, but again, I can’t find the strength to look back at her.

I’m… such a coward.

And then, just like that, she… runs away. Without saying anything.

I get up from the bench. I shout after her. But she doesn’t turn back. She keeps running, until the darkening surroundings hide her from my view. I sit back on the bench and cry.

 

He’s calling me for the third time, when I answer.

– _Kuroko? Where the heck are you!?_

– Kagami-kun… What do you mean?

I try to keep my voice steady, but it’s still weak. I don’t know why I answered. I really don’t feel like talking to anyone right now. But I guess he would have just kept calling.

He sighs dramatically.

– _Your mom called ME, because you hadn’t come home! She asked if you were at my place!_

Oh. Right. It really is that late.

– _Hey? Are you home now? What is going on? I was worried, damn it!_

I only have one missed call from Mom.

– Did you… tell her I was there with you?

– _Uh… I did, okay! I panicked. I thought, maybe it was the kind of situation when I’m supposed to lie for you._

– Why?

– _Ugh, I don’t know, okay!_

I realize I really have no clue how much time has passed.

– _Kuroko? What’s going on? Where are you?_

– Outside.

I don’t know what else to say.

– _Why? It’s raining like crazy._

Yeah… it is. I’m soaking wet, because I haven’t moved from the bench.

– _Hey, what the heck? You don’t sound normal. What’s going on?_

– Nothing.

– _Yeah, right!_

– You don’t need to worry.

– _Where are you? I’m already looking for you, you know!_

– Why would you do that?

– _Because I was worried, idiot!_

– Well, you can stop now.

– _Where are you?_

I don’t feel like fighting him, or anyone, so I tell him the name of the park.

– _But why on earth!_

– I…

But nothing else comes out.

– _Did something happen with Momoi?_

My chest tightens at the sound of her name.

– How did you know I was with her?

– _Well, your mom said you went to see her, of course._

Right.

– _Just stay where you are, okay?_

I tell him I will. Where else would I suddenly go, after all?

It’s not long before he finds me. I hear that someone is running nearby, before I see the figure in the foggy rain. He stops in front of me, panting. He looks at me, as if to confirm I don’t look hurt. I only glance at him.

He shakes his head, grabs my arm, and pulls me under the umbrella he’s holding.

– Let’s go, he says, and drags me along. He doesn’t let go of my arm on the way to his place.

By the time we get there, I’m sneezing. He pushes me to the bathroom, and I realize if I don’t take a hot shower, he’ll just force me to do it.

Soon enough, I’m out of the bathroom, wearing his big pyjamas. He’s been waiting for me in the corridor. He sure knows how to make a big deal out of things. He’s leaning on the wall, but gets to his feet immediately, when I get out of the door.

Suddenly, he pushes me back to the bathroom, which is irritating, but I don’t have the energy to fight him.

– Your hair is still soaking wet! You’ll really catch a cold, if you don’t even try to dry it properly!

He throws a towel over my head and starts rubbing my hair with it.

– I can do that myself…

– Seems like you can’t.

– Stop it.

He does. He sighs, lets go of my head, and the towel falls on the floor.

– Look, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I can do, he says, looking at the floor. And then he turns, and goes, closing the door behind him. I pick up the towel from the floor, but… then I just sit on the floor for a while.

I don’t know what to do either. I just feel numb.

 

After a while I come out of the bathroom, only because I can’t just sit there forever.

I go to the living room, and Kagami-kun is there. The TV is on, but he isn’t really watching it, since he’s just standing there, leaning to the back of the sofa. He’s been waiting for me, again.

I stop in the middle of the room and manage to look at him. He’s just staring back at me with that intense look of his. Maybe he’s waiting for me to say something, but I don’t know what. I just let my gaze drop to the floor.

Suddenly he gets to his feet and grabs my arm. He pulls me against him. He wraps his arms around me.

– Tell me what happened, he says.

I don’t know what to say. I can’t find any words.

He squeezes me softly. And… suddenly, feeling seems to return to me. Just like that. Because he just holds me against him. Just because of that. Because he… caught me off guard. Because, I don’t think anyone, who isn’t family, has ever held me like this. This… gently. The numbness that was covering me, just cracks, like ice, and starts melting, dripping off of me, like the rain.

So, of course, I can’t stop tears rolling on my face again. I let my head drop onto his shoulder. He squeezes me tighter. My hands are shaking. I follow the urge to lift them onto his back, to lean into him. His hand travels up my back, into my hair. It’s odd. I was so numb, but… it’s like he wakes up my senses, his warmth, his smell… Why does he smell so good?

Suddenly I feel my throat tighten. I don’t want to let go of him, but… There’s something wrong. Something feels wrong. I don’t know why. There’s guilt. I don’t know why.

Maybe it’s just… her. Thoughts of her coming back to me.

I swallow nothing.

– I… I don’t think… I don’t think she’ll ever… forgive me.

Suddenly it comes out easier than I thought.

– Why? he asks.

– Because… because…

My heart starts pounding and my head goes hot, again.

– Because I… I knew what she wanted from me. And I kept pretending I didn’t. Because… because… I feared, that if I rejected her, she wouldn’t be my friend anymore. Because I wanted to be her friend so badly… So, I just kept pretending. I hurt her. For a selfish reason like that. I let it go too far, too long, and now… Now it’s just too late.

I get all that out, at once, and then I just cry silent tears into his shirt, because I don’t have the strength for anything else.

– Hey, that’s…, he starts, and hesitates. – I mean I still don’t know what happened, but… isn’t she just as responsible for herself? It’s not like you lied to her.

I shake my head.

– It’s… It’s as good as lying.

He shakes his head and sighs.

– But… why wouldn’t she forgive you?

– I… I just feel like… I hurt her too much.

– Hey…

He sighs again and is silent for a while. His hand is gripping my shoulder.

– Hey, isn’t she… more like the type, who flares up in a second, and cools down just as fast?

I don’t know what to say to that.

– Because, uh, I’m like that, too. So, I think I can recognize the type.

He goes silent, probably waiting for me to say something.

– Hey, say something.

– I think this time is different, I say.

It has to be. After all, she has never yelled at me like that. I’ve never seen her so hurt. So angry.

– Hey, it’s gonna be okay. I’m sure it will.

He says that like he just can’t think of anything else to say.

– I think she was serious.

– What happened, exactly? he asks again, and he’s starting to sound frustrated.

And because it's Kagami-kun, because he's so warm and concerned and persistent, I tell him. Well, most of it, anyway.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listened to:
> 
> Forest Fires - Lauren Aquilina  
> The Last Day on Earth - Kate Miller-Heidke  
> Never Alone - Winterpark


End file.
